Never Without Hope (Sacred Vows Book 1) (7 page)

Not sure I liked waiting for his call, I decided I really had no other choice if I wanted to see him again. It was hold my breath and wait, or no more Tony
…period. I decided on the first. Because I wanted Tony again, even if I only saw him one more time. “I think so. When can I see you again? Where can we meet?”

“
That is good news. My wife, she stay a few more days at her mom’s house. She say baby is not feeling well so she not want to drive back until baby’s ear infection clears. She say three more days and then she come home.”

“
What about her job?” I could’ve sworn he said she worked.

“
My wife make her own schedule. She have much vacation and sick time so if she need time off she get it.”

“
Oh, so tomorrow then?” I stood and peered out the door to make sure my husband hadn’t heard me. I saw him flick out the light in our bedroom.

Good.

“Tomorrow is not good for me. I work double shift then I must pack some things. If I not have this done when my wife comes home, she will be angry.”

“
Can’t you tell her you didn’t feel well or were busy or something?” Dang, did I just sound desperate or what?

“
My wife get very crazy when she angry. I not want to make her mad. Is scary.”

“
You’re scared of your wife?” That was the first time I’d heard a guy admit it.

“
Is not scared for me, but she make threats. Say I never see my son again. I must not lose my son. He is very important to me. If not for my son, I would not be with my wife.”

“
So you’re going to stay in an unhappy marriage just for your son?” Whoa. That was sheer martyrdom, in my not-so-humble opinion. But then again, I was in the same boat, wasn’t I?

“
I must. I not want my son to grow up and hate me, for my wife will do this to me.”

“
How awful.” I couldn’t imagine being in such a vulnerable position. “Maybe we should break it off now before she finds out. Then you won’t lose your son. I don’t want that to happen to you.”

“
But I must see you. I make time. You come to house day after tomorrow, yes?”

I thought about my schedule.
“I think I can figure out a reason to leave the house. What time are we talking?”

“
Say maybe eleven o’clock? Is good for you?”

“
I think I can do it. Sometimes my husband surprises me and pops in around lunch, but lately he hasn’t been coming home. It depends on where he’s working that day. He does construction work mostly. Some contract stuff.”

“
Is he still not making love to you?” His voice grew husky.

Just hearing Tony say those words gave me a delicious thrill. My wretched body wanted him so much
—wanted anyone really—that my brain just shut off and I decided it was worth the risk. As long as Tony was available, I’d be there. “No, he’s not.”

“
I am so sorry for hearing that. I make much love to you when I see you. You will not be sad anymore. Okay, my sweet?”

Ick, that
’s what he’d called his wife on the phone. For a moment I felt like I was being played, but rationalized that we were meeting each other’s needs. I was doing this willingly. I would pay for it, but while Tony was available I would find a way to see him.

“
Sure, Tony. I’ll be there. I’ll just say I need to run an errand or something if my husband comes home.”

“
See you then. I miss you so much,
Bella Speranza
. I think of you as I wait.”

“
Me, too.” I snapped my cell phone shut and tiptoed into my room so I wouldn’t wake James.

I pulled on a pair of sweats and an old T-shirt and climbed in bed. To my amazement my husband put his arms around me and held me close. Then, he started rubbing me in places that meant something could happen. I was delighted, yet afraid. My reason for seeing Tony was because of James
’s neglect. What if he came around and started loving me again? Would I still see Tony? I didn’t want to answer my own question because I knew the answer.

I was too weak.

Chapter 6

T
he next day I was so distracted with thoughts of Tony that I failed to hear my son come home from school until he stood behind me.

“
Hey, Mom. What’s for snack?” Jimmy dropped his backpack on my bed and kissed my cheek.

I snapped out of my daydream long enough to really look at my child. I loved my son. He was such a great kid. My obsession with Tony was causing me to really slack off at home. And last night when James rubbed my sensitive areas, I actually nudged him away. Was I crazy? Maybe.

But I was still feeling a bit hurt from the previous night. James had apologized, but would he change? I hadn’t felt his excitement against me when he touched me so I figured things would end in an argument anyway. Better to not even “go there.”

Ironically, James hadn
’t seemed to mind. Which, of course, proved my point.

“
Hey, Sport, I thought we’d go get something. What do you say? Want to bring home a pizza?” I rubbed my son’s head knowing full well that he’d jump and scream, “Yes!” Which he did. Right in my ear.

Sticking my finger in my ear, I jiggled
it inside and tossed an annoyed look at Jimmy. He knew my hearing was sensitive, the little stinker. But I love him so much. Tears filled my eyes when I considered what would happen if Jimmy found out about my affair. Swiping the moisture from my eyes before it spilled over, I sucked in a deep breath.

Jimmy paused and looked at me a bit closer.
“Are you feeling sad again, Mom?”

“
A little. Now go put your backpack away so we can get to the pizza place before dinner rush.” I swatted his behind with a little tap.

He laughed and ran off, backpack over his shoulder and a big grin on his face. What would happen to his delightful little world if I were exposed? Then again, I
’m sure he already sensed things weren’t that great between me and his dad lately. Jimmy was a pretty observant kid. I wouldn’t put it past him to try to find a way to work things out between his dad and me.

While he got ready
, I phoned in our order. Jimmy and I made it to the shop in record time and even had to wait a few minutes for our order. As we sat in the SUV, I noticed Tony’s truck pull up in the parking lot. My heart pounded so hard that I worried Jimmy would sense my guilt from the sound of it beating.

Tony shut the door, and peered over at me. He gave me a brief nod and walked into the pizza shop. As much as I wanted to see him alone, I knew any friendly action on my part could give us away, and I didn
’t want to hurt him. I just wanted to get close.

So I got out of the car. Jimmy was busy playing his Gameboy and didn
’t even look up when I stepped outside. I met Tony as he left the shop with about six pizzas balanced on his arms. Maybe I could talk to him about my book. Tell him I needed to go over a few things with him. Something that sounded legit. Instead my brain locked up.

“
Hey,” I said with a tentative smile.

“
Hi. Is pizza night for the guys. I talk to you later.” Then he piled the pizzas in his truck and pulled out of the parking lot. I noticed another man sitting in the seat beside him. Must be an employee. No wonder he played it cool with me. But still…

It hurt that we had a relationship only in secret. I didn
’t like that one bit. Then I realized that maybe I had feelings for Tony and that made me pause. I’d read somewhere that a woman’s brain actually secretes a substance after intercourse. That hormone causes emotional feelings, a bond of sorts with the partner. That would explain why women fell in love because of sex, and yet to guys it was just…sex.

From the corner of my eye I noticed the guy at the counter wave. My pizzas were done. I opened the door and picked up my order. The scent of cheese, bread, Italian sauce, pepperoni and garlic made my mouth water.

My tummy protested, wanting me to eat some pizza now. But I’d wait until we got home. I hadn’t been eating much in the past few days and I was already noticing that my pants seemed looser. Not a bad problem to have. Unless I was so lovesick that I would wither and dry up without my fill of Tony.

That thought scared me. Especially since I was
“the other woman.” It even sounded icky. Once again I wondered what I was thinking by hooking up with a man outside of marriage. I opened the door of my SUV and slipped the pizza onto Jimmy’s lap.

“
Ooh, these are nice and warm, Mommy.” He took a deep whiff.

I loved it when he called me Mommy.
“You have to wait until we get home.”

“
Aw, man!” Jimmy licked his lips. Poor kid was probably as hungry as I was. Who was I to deny him when I didn’t deny myself anything? It was then that I realized how truly selfish my meeting with Tony was…to my family, my friends, my church.

I could not be my true self in this state of transgression. I had to close myself off or be discovered. No matter which way I looked at it, the affair was a lose-lose, but when I was in Tony
’s arms, when he was making love to me, none of that mattered. Only him.

I glanced at Jimmy who was doing an admirable job of controlling himself. I couldn
’t help but give in. “Okay, you can have one slice. But only one.”

My cell phone rang. Steering with one hand, I answered the phone with the other.
“Hello, this is Hope.”

“
I am sorry I not talk to you. You look so good, Hope. I tried very hard not to stare at you. I can’t let people see my longing. That’s why I not stop and talk to you. The guy with me, he know my wife. He would tell her. Is not a good situation.”

“
Where is he now?” I glanced over at Jimmy who was contentedly munching, oblivious to the fact that I had my lover on the phone.

“
He is with guys in kitchen. I left to call you but must make it very fast. I see you tomorrow. I am excited just thinking about you in my arms. In my bed again. I miss you.”

“
Me, too.” I blinked back tears. “Bye.”

I had to hang up before I started sobbing. I already noticed Jimmy had finished his slice and was now watching me closely.

“Who was that, Mom?” His little eyebrows met as he questioned me.

I couldn
’t lie to my child. “A man I know. We’re close friends”

“
I wondered why you looked sad. I thought maybe that was Dad.”

“
No. Not this time.” I pulled into our driveway.

Jimmy started to open the door before I had fully parked. I threw the SUV into park and groused,
“How many times have I told you to wait until I park before you open the door?”

“
Too many times.” Jimmy laughed and raced toward the back door. He set the pizzas down on the porch table and opened the door with the key in his pocket. My little guy was growing up so fast. Pretty soon he wouldn’t need me anymore. The thought sobered me. Maybe he wouldn’t want to have anything to do with me if he found out what I was really doing on my free time. Forcing that thought from my mind, I locked the SUV and held my arms against my chest to ward off the slight chill in the air.

The scent of smoke from fireplaces drifted past. The fall season had begun. I remembered the times when James and I would lie down by the fire in the hearth and read our Bibles to each other and kiss. My heart pounded at the memory until the hurt within my soul swelled to overwhelming proportions.

I wanted to yell at God, my husband, the world. Anyone who got in my way. Most of all, I wanted to run away from the pressure, the pain. It was getting out of control. My life. Everything.

My cell phone rang again. The tone was my husband
’s. He must be working late. “Hey, Hope. How’s it going?”

“
Fine, I guess.” I hiked my purse up on my shoulder as I stepped onto the porch.

“
You have dinner ready, Babe?” His voice was soft, kind.

“
I brought pizza home.” I cringed, knowing he hated that. Thought it was a waste of money. But I didn’t feel like arguing about money tonight.

“
That’s fine. I’ll see you in a few minutes.” He hung up. Not reminding me how broke we always are, no nagging. I didn’t know what to think.

I opened the back door. With a shrug I removed my jacket and hung it on the coat tree.
“You leave me any pizza?”

“
Sure.” Jimmy approached me with a broad smile. Somehow he’d packed away four slices already. My goodness. Must be another growth spurt.

I grabbed a slice and plopped it on a paper plate, then headed over to the couch to finish sorting the whites that I
’d pulled from the dryer. After taking a bite, I set my pizza down and began folding socks. When I finished, I brought my husband’s underclothes to the dresser and opened his drawer. As I stuffed the bundle inside, I noticed an envelope. Curious, I pulled it out and looked at the return address.

Charlotte Grey, London, Canada
. The letter came from his ex-wife!

The date stamp was March, the same month I
’d flown to L.A. Maybe that was why my husband wouldn’t answer his phone when I called from the airport and the plane. He always left it on. Always.

The timing seemed too weird. Too coincidental. In fact, I realized the letter had arrived the same month that things had slowed down to a near-screeching halt for us in the bedroom. Mystified, I held the note with shaking hands.

Wondering why he hadn’t told me about the letter, I dared to look inside. I noticed a folded sheet of paper and the back side of a picture.

Though I normally respected the privacy of others, I just had to know
…What did his ex have to say to him, and why did she write now? After fifteen long years, when their marriage had dissolved. And why had my husband hidden it in his drawer?  To pull it out later? What did he do with the picture?

My chest tightened. Something was wrong. Very wrong.

He’d never had kids with either of his ex-wives, so for her to contact him out of the blue made no sense.

I pulled out
the picture first. My mouth hung open.

She
’d sent him a picture of herself in the buff. And she looked like a swimsuit model even though she was five years my senior. On a small sheet of pink paper she’d written a short note and signed her name.

Sorry about how everything ended between us.

I was wrong.

Love Charlotte, who will always be your wife in heart,

if not in reality.

The back door slammed and I quickly stuffed the letter back into his drawer. Maybe I
’d wait and see if James acted suspicious, or quiz him indirectly just to see what he’d say first. Whenever we finally dealt with this new issue, I didn’t want Jimmy to be around to hear the ugliness that would result from such a confrontation.

Now I wasn
’t so sure that James hadn’t cheated on me. Maybe the rift in our spiritual walks hadn’t started with me after all. Isn’t the man supposed to be the covering over his wife? Maybe my husband had left me wide open for attack. The thought made me shiver.

But I
’d hold it together until our son was asleep. It was the least I could do to protect him. James walked into the room and kissed my cheek. “Hey, Babe.”

I tried my best to look normal and not flinch as his mouth touched my face. He paused when he noticed I hadn
’t said anything back. “You okay?”

Jimmy ran into the room.
“Let’s play a game?” He held the Scrabble box in his hands and wore such an endearing grin that I couldn’t help but smile.

Wiping the tears from the corners of my eyes with both hands, I sucked in a cleansing breath and with a chuckle I followed our son. James didn
’t follow, but remained in the bedroom. I turned to wave him toward us. With a relieved look on his face, James joined us. What we needed to discuss would have to wait. 

While Jimmy set up the board and handed out the tiles, James watched me with a pensive look. I had no idea what he was thinking but I sensed he was worried. I just ignored his staring and tried to act pleasant.

Our son went first. He placed his tiles proudly on the board. L O V E. What a sweet kid. He grinned at my husband and said, “You’re next, Dad.”

James smiled back, then watched me closely as he placed his tiles down. He
’d added an R to L O V E, which spelled L O V E R, and with the same R tile he also added the word R I G H T. I couldn’t help wondering if my husband was speaking in code. The glint in his eyes didn’t imply accusation, but amusement. Hmmm…

Glancing down at my letters, I didn
’t have many options, so with warm cheeks I placed a B next to line that held the letter T. I then added more tiles to them, creating a new word, B R E A S T S. Holding my bottom lip with my teeth, I tried hard not to laugh.