Never Without Hope (Sacred Vows Book 1) (10 page)

Chapter 10

I knew I should’ve checked the bread. But I hadn’t stopped to look at it. Not closely anyway. Of course, James immediately noticed the brand the second I strolled in the door.

“
You know I hate wheat bread. What’d you get that kind for?”

“
Yeah, Mom. Ick.” Jimmy approached me and peered at the bag, inspecting it as if a bug clung to the outside.

Cringing, I prayed the questioning would end there. I had not thought out what to say, and I was a terrible liar.
“Sorry, guys. This was all they had.”
Technically that was true, since Tony gave me the loaf. Hopefully he wouldn’t ask to see the receipt
.

“
Well, that blows my gourmet dinner plans.” James waved his hand toward me and joked, “You can cook now, sweet peach.”

Like he would cook anyway. James hated cooking.

I rolled my eyes and made sure he saw what I thought of his lame joke. And he knew it bugged me when he called me his sweet peach, but I judiciously ignored his jesting. For now.

“
Grilled cheese sound all right?” I asked Jimmy.

“
Yes!” He pumped his arm. Jimmy loved grilled cheese sandwiches with tomato soup. At least one of my guys would be happy with his dinner.

James grunted near my ear,
“What about me, Babe?”

I wriggled away from him as I reached into the fridge for the butter and sliced cheese.

His hand slid around my waist as I stood and closed the door to the fridge. He hugged me from behind. When Jimmy left the room, James began nibbling on my earlobe and rubbing his thumbs across the tips of my breasts. I couldn’t help laughing. He knew that drove me crazy.

“
James! What are you doing?” I hissed and laughed at the same time.

“
Just getting a little appetizer.” He whispered huskily against my neck. “I’ve been neglecting you and tonight I plan to make it up to you. Hope you’re ready for me.”

Tingles of pleasure wafted over my skin and roared through me, as my body responded to his suggestion. Warmth infiltrated every cell inside me, and my femininity readied to receive him. The sensation
—delicious, and what I’d been craving from my husband for months; something glorious and beautiful that we inherently understood.

I
’d missed my husband so much.

No one
—not even Tony—could inspire me in the bedroom like my husband. The thought that my sweet, loving James had returned to me made my chest ache with joy and sorrow. I’d longed for this day.

Yet, it was bittersweet.

Needless to say, I couldn’t wait until our son went to sleep that night. I imagined reuniting with my husband in body and soul a hundred times over in my mind. While I felt a nagging guilt about what I’d done with Tony, I pushed that thought aside. I wanted my husband, and if things were going to be right between us again, I didn’t want to ruin it with my sordid confession. Not tonight.

Once our son went to sleep, I lit a few candles in our bedroom. For me, there is nothing more romantic than making love by candlelight. And I particularly enjoyed the scented ones. As I lit the vanilla cream candle in a hurricane vase, I watched the tiny flame grow. A grin formed on my lips. I hoped for a sweet experience with my true love, and prayed the candles would set the mood.

Forcing thoughts of my husband’s prior rejections under the same circumstances from my mind, I decided this time would be different between us. This time things wouldn’t unravel before they got started. That’s what I promised myself as I lay on the comforter wearing nothing but the skin God gave me, my body throbbing in anticipation.

James grinned at me as he entered our bedroom, glistening and clean. I loved when he came to our bed with damp hair. I reached for him and he waved his finger at me.
“Uh- uh, sweetheart. You need to lie still. I’m going to give you a massage first.”

Sweet heavens, I loved it when he did that. I
’m sure my face showed it before I rolled onto my tummy so he could rub me down. I heard a shaking and slapping sound, and then something reminding me of a near-empty ketchup bottle being squeezed dry. A cold substance—must be the massage lotion—hit my skin and I gasped. “James! Ooh! You know I hate that.”

My husband chuckled. Yep, he knew it, but being the tease that he was, he had to do it anyway.
“You may hate that, Babe, but you’re going to love this.”

Thus the ma
ssage began. The lotion warmed as he rubbed it into my skin. I was transported to a wonderful place where I had no business going, but I reminded myself that I couldn’t think about Tony now without spoiling my mood with guilt, so I stuffed the thought down deep. My skin reveled in his stroking  and I had relaxed to the point that I almost fell asleep.

“
There. Was that good?”

With droopy eyes, I rolled on to my back and sighed.
“Yeah.”

Pulling him toward me, I kissed my husband
’s mouth, clinging to his lips and lingering, just like he enjoyed. I nearly climaxed from the intensity of his kisses alone. Maple sugar candies weren’t as sweet as my James when he stirred my heart and offered deep kisses by candlelight.

My heart soared as my husband pulled me deeper into the rhythm of his love. Tears filled my eyes and spilled over in gratitude as James filled me with himself and with his passion. At last, a night where our hearts bonded in the way only couples who knew true marital love could experience.

And then it was over. That quick.

James cursed and rolled away from me. He groaned, sounding more frustrated than angry.
“I’m sorry, Hope. I didn’t mean to come so…so fast.”

I sensed the distress in his voice and pondered how to respond.

Yeah, I understood his disappointment, all right. I had just started sensing the intense pleasure of the marital act when it ended. So I admit I was a bit bummed out, but I kissed my husband’s cheek and consoled him. “That’s all right, honey. It’s only because it’s been such a long time, you know? We just have to do this more often. Then things will go back to how they used to be.”

James peered at me with a curious expression.
“You were crying?”

I
’d almost forgotten. “Yeah, I was. I missed you, James. I miss us.”

He sighed.
“I know, Babe. I know. It’s just…I’m not sure my body is working right. Sure, getting things off my chest about my ex helped, but I still sense that something isn’t right. I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to follow through. It’s so frustrating.”

I hugged him tight. Believe me, I understood frustration, but I didn
’t want to say that out loud because he might feel insulted, and that wouldn’t be my intent. So while I wanted to pledge my undying devotion, I knew it would be wrong to do so if I didn’t confess what I’d done with Tony first. 

But I didn
’t want to tell my husband about the affair after we’d just made love—short as the time had been. I’d at least wait until we were in a less intimate position. Meanwhile, my body still ached for release. I quietly eased his hand over so that he touched me in a sensitive area.

My subtle invitation wasn
’t well received. He moved his hand back over to his side of the bed. Short of screaming, “Give me some satisfaction!” I didn’t know how else to communicate that while he’d finished, I wasn’t done yet.

But he ignored my request like he
’d done so many times before. I wanted to weep out loud, but held in my pain. Somehow I had to find a way to cope with the disappointment. Short of plotting a rendezvous with Tony, who never let me down, I didn’t know what to do. And I’d feel weird providing release for myself with my husband mere inches from me. Didn’t he realize my needs were still there? Didn’t he care? I was afraid to ask.

Apparently he hadn
’t thought about my needs at all, because within minutes James’s breathing deepened and I knew he would sleep well tonight. I couldn’t say the same for myself. My body still hummed and needed more.

With a depressed sigh, I forced myself to get up. I slipped out from under the covers and went to the bathroom. As I sat down I glanced through the door at my husband lying peacefully in our bed, not having a clue about my betrayal, or how much his physical neglect continued to hurt me. I rubbed my forehead with both hands and finally allowed the tears to escape.

They quickly became wracking sobs as I released all the pain inside. Once I’d poured out of some of the guilt through my tears, I washed my face, hiccupping the entire time. I held my breath, lit a match in water, and jumped up and down, but nothing stopped the hiccups and I wanted to scream. I couldn’t make them stop, or make my body stop crying for release. Just like I couldn’t make myself stop sinning.

Not in my current unrepentant state.

But I wouldn’t lie to God. He knew that even if I confessed my sin tonight, if Tony asked me to meet with him tomorrow, I’d go in a heartbeat. I knew Tony would satisfy my needs. I wouldn’t have to beg and plead for him to touch me. Tony wanted me. Better than that, he responded like a man who wanted me. And I needed to be wanted so much right now.

So I didn
’t even try to confess and make things right. Not until I knew I could be halfway sincere, or at least mean what I said and be willing to at least try to stay away from Tony.

So as I hiccupped I plodded over to the guest room to check my e-mail. Nothing from Tony or any of my other friends. I did get a note from my agent. She said she was still negotiating with the publisher. Good thing I had another source of income.

I surfed the Internet and searched for information on impotency. I was fascinated with what I read, but rather than giving me hope it made me more depressed, because James refused to see a doctor. Then I glanced down and noticed the date and compared it to my paper desk calendar. My stomach did an uncomfortable flip and my hands started shaking when I saw the mark. I was supposed to get my period a few days ago.

I double checked. I triple checked. It never came.

And I was never late.

Terror struck my heart when I realized what that could mean.

But it made no sense. We’d always used protection.

I wasn
’t that stupid. Then again, the failure rate for condoms did exist and said so right on the box. I remembered that from my honeymoon with James. Without spermicidal foam there was a greater risk of pregnancy. No kidding.

I didn
’t sleep at all that night.

*****

The next few days passed in a blur. My nerves were on edge and I jumped at every little sound. When my friends approached me at church, I avoided them and I skipped Bible study. I told them my stomach hurt, which was true. Just thinking about having another man’s baby while married to my husband made my pulse race. I was terrified.

To make matters worse, I couldn
’t even call Tony to tell him without risking being caught by his wife. The whole situation seemed more out of hand than ever. I’d even started dreaming about giving birth to Tony’s child. Saw us as a little family in my mind’s eye. That unrealistic fantasy still haunted me.

And I cringed when I considered the ramifications of having another man
’s child.

When the following Saturday arrived, I couldn
’t stand it anymore, so I decided to call Tony and risk his wrath. My husband had taken Jimmy out four wheeling, so Tony and I could at least talk in person for a few minutes – if he could get away.

Tony needed to know about my present situation, because if I
was
pregnant, the child was his. I thought it only fair that I told him to his face.

But oh, how my stomach ached.

I could swear I was getting an ulcer over this whole ordeal.

After swigging yet another round of Pepto Bismol straight from the chilled bottle, I dialed his cell phone, my finger shaking as I struggled to hit the right numbers.

I squeezed my eyes tight. My chest pounded so hard I felt like my heart was banging against my ribcage.

“
Hope, why you call me now?” He whispered into the phone.

No,
“Hi, Hope. How are you doing?” Just a harsh question.

Suddenly I regretted calling him at all. But I forced myself to speak.
“I’m sorry. I have to talk to you in person.” I choked on my words, hoping he understood how much I needed to see him, but without sounding too pathetic.

He hesitated.
“My phone, it ring when I bring out garbage. I cannot talk long.”

“
This really isn’t something we can discuss over the phone or I’d do that. I need to talk to you in person. Please.”

I heard him sigh. He paused, then said,
“I find a way for to meet you. I say I need something at store. Where must I go?”