Never Without Hope (Sacred Vows Book 1) (5 page)

Why now?

“I love you, too, James. So much. But…”

He tipped my chin so I had to look him in the eyes. His trusting expression was so vulnerable and sweet that I knew he
’d be crushed. Would it be crueler to tell him, or keep it a secret? What he didn’t know couldn’t hurt him, right?

I looked away.

“What is it, Hope? Talk to me.”

Slowly
I returned my gaze to his. I could only imagine how haunted my eyes looked as his gaze bore into mine. “If we talk about it, you’ll hate me.”

His hand dropped to the seat
, and he eased away from me, stunned. “There is nothing you could ever do that would make me hate you, darling. Nothing.”

I shrugged.
“I think there is.”

He exhaled sharply and with trembling hands he opened the door.
“Let’s eat first, then finish this conversation later. I’m starved, and my hands are getting shaky.”

I glanced at his hands. They were shaking. How odd. Did he know what I was about to tell him? The thought made my stomach flip. But he
’d said that nothing I could do would ever stop him from loving me.

But this was
so
bad. I almost didn’t have the heart to wound him with the truth.

After the food arrived, we ate in silence. It was over dessert that our earlier conversation picked up where we
’d left off.

“
I think there is something I could do that would make you stop loving me.”

My husband snorted.
“Yeah, right. Not you. You’re not like my ex-wives. You’re different.”

Forcing myself to admit my wrong, I tipped my head down and examined my split ends. My hands shook. I tucked a wayward lock of
hair behind my ear and I squeaked out hoarsely, “Maybe I could hurt you, too.”

Terrified that he
’d blow up and humiliate me in the restaurant once he realized what I meant, I scooped more ice cream and popped a spoonful into my mouth.

James stared at me hard, then shook his head.
“You’d never do that to me. Not you.”

I choked on the ice cream sliding down my throat. It was then that I decided to drop the subject. I knew I couldn
’t hurt him further, not like that. But at least I’d gotten the truth out, even if I had been vague about it.

But I think he still got the message. I could see pain and fear in his eyes.

His gorgeous, trusting blue eyes.

Chapter 4

Once we arrived home, I wondered if James had really understood what I’d done. What I’d tried to tell him. He acted like nothing had changed. I readied for bed, wearing my short pink silk gown with the low cut neckline, his favorite. My long brown hair caressed my shoulders like silk. I draped a section over the front of my gown so it covered part of my breast. I knew he liked my hair this way, so I gave it all I had, including the bedroom eyes.

He gazed at me with sadness in his eyes, and yearning. I wish I could take everything back and start over again. But some things couldn
’t be undone.

“
Come here.” My husband reached for me.

My skin tingled at his command
, and he hadn’t even touched me yet.

I threw myself into his arms.
“Oh, James. I love you so much.”

He held me tight for several minutes, then drew back until he could look into my eyes.
“You’re my best friend, you know that? I thank God for you every day.”

Closing my eyes, I turned my head away. When he looked at me with such emotion
, it haunted me. How could I have hurt him like that? I hated myself.

“
Look at me, Hope.” He touched my chin and guided my head. “I want you to look me in the eyes.”

I lifted my lids and peered at him, wondering what he
’d say next. Trembling at his touch. Pouring my heart out to him, but without words. I ached for intimacy and held my breath as I waited for his declaration of love.

“
I’m not the man I once was, Hope. I can’t satisfy you anymore. I’m sorry.” His eyes filled with tears, and I felt lower than dirt.

Resting my head on his shoulder I held him tight. What did that mean? Was he telling me we
’d never have sex again? I didn’t get it. With my face burrowed into his shoulder, I inhaled the scent of his musky skin, then asked, “What are you saying, James?”

“
You deserve a younger man, a man with some life still in him. I just don’t
feel
well anymore. My drive is gone. I don’t know what’s wrong.” He sighed and turned away.

Maybe he hadn
’t heard me when I’d told him what I’d done. Maybe I was too vague, or he really didn’t get it. Now another chance to tell him presented itself. I could make sure he understood this time. I opened my mouth, but the words wouldn’t come.

His gaze slowly covered me from head to toe and back again.
“You are so beautiful.”

Tears now cascaded down my cheeks.
“Don’t give up, James. See the doctor and ask him to help you find out what’s wrong.”

“
No!” he yelled, making me jump. He shoved his finger in my face. “I’m not telling anyone about this. And you better not, either.”

“
But how will it get fixed if you don’t—”

His face darkened.
“I said no. I’m not talking about this anymore.” He stomped toward our bed and pulled back the sheets, then slid under them.

I stood with my mouth gaping.
“Does this mean that we won’t ever—”

“
Hope, honey, it’s not that bad.” His voice softened. “We love each other. What more do we need?” He peered up at me with a distant look in his eyes, like he’d resigned himself to a sexless marriage.

I hadn
’t thought I was being selfish, but was I?

“
James, there are things we can still do. Your hands work just fine. Sometimes I just like to kiss, you know? Nothing expected, just a kiss.”

He grunted.
“Yeah, right, Hope. Come on. You know what you want.”

Was that so wrong? To want my husband? I didn
’t get it. “Of course I want that, but I’ll take anything you give me, honey. Anything.”

“
No! Not if I can’t follow through.” Frowning, he rolled over until he faced the wall, just like that.

Anger welled up in me. He
’d given up too easily. It wasn’t right.

My fists clenched. I
’d make him respond to me. I just needed to try harder to get him aroused. So I slid under the sheets and pressed against his back. With our son staying at his friend’s house, we wouldn’t have to worry about him barging in on us. So I kissed James’s hair, his neck, and inhaled deeply. My hand rested on his abdomen. I slid it lower. “Baby, let’s make some noise.”

He wedged himself between my arm and his torso and flung my hand off him.
“Stop it, Hope. Just let me sleep.”

Let him sleep? Was this what I had to look forward to in our marriage from now on?

Fine!

I folded my hands over my chest, stormed into our guest room, and turned on the computer. I hadn
’t checked my e-mail yet, so until I cooled down, at least that would distract me from wanting to use his back as a punching bag.

After deleting junk mail, I scanned my list. Tony had e-mailed me. Excited and terrified, I gave in to the urge to find out what he
’d written. My blood pumped so hard it made my ears ring. Clicking on the message, I held my breath…

I still can
’t believe what happened. It was like a dream. You make me happy. Tony

Well, at least I made someone happy. I swallowed hard as I decided what I
’d say in return. After deleting several potential replies, I ended up with this…
You were great. I will never forget what happened either. I’ll dream about it tonight, for sure. Hope

Within seconds, he responded.
We can meet again. My wife, she is gone for two days so I am home tomorrow until I must leave for work. Call me? Tony

His wife would be gone? Wow. That meant I could see him one more time. So what if all he wanted from me was the same thing I wanted from him. It helped me cope with a miserable situation, and from what he
’d already told me about his wife, Tony wasn’t getting any action at home, either.
Okay, I’ll call you tomorrow. Hope.

Yawning, I stretched and started when my husband suddenly appeared behind me.
“Who is that e-mail from, your boyfriend?”

My face heated and I shrank from him.
“Would you care if it was?”

He flinched.
“Come on, Hope. I was being sarcastic. I know you’d never do that to me. Now let’s go to bed.”

“
But I don’t want to sleep yet.” I gave him my most pleading look and raised the skirt of my nightie. “Touch me, James.”

“
Dang it, woman! I told you how I felt! I just want you to come to bed. To
sleep
.”

“
Then I’ll stay up.” I turned away from him.

He stormed into the other room and I heard him crack open a beer. Well, he could have his beer. I decided to watch a chick flick, since that would be the only romance I
’d probably get. Too bad it had to be a fantasy, a work of fiction. I wanted the real thing, and from the looks of things, sex with my husband would never happen again.

Suddenly I felt less guilty about wanting to see Tony. If my own husband didn
’t want me, then what other option did I have? Besides, I’d only see Tony one more time. Then we’d end it. I’m sure he’d agree it was simply too risky to keep meeting, because one of these days we could get caught in the act.

I
’d rather be eaten alive by sharks.

*****

The next morning I got up and dressed for church. James decided he didn’t want to go and I didn’t push him. Let people ask me where he is. I might even tell the truth, that James was at home feeling sorry for himself.

Then we
’d see if he played hooky again.

But honestly, I was relieved. Because if he stayed home, and with our son staying at a friend
’s house, I could slip out right after church to see Tony and my husband wouldn’t sense a thing. I always stayed after church and visited, sometimes for hours. Funny thing is the last thing I wanted to do right now was talk to my girlfriends. All it would take is one sincere “How are you doing?” and I’d probably fall apart and confess it all.

Better to avoid everyone. Maybe I
’d claim a stomachache. Just thinking about showing up in church after my rendezvous with Tony made my stomach cramp, so it would be truthful at least. I hated to be deceptive.

As long as nobody asked, I wouldn
’t tell them, or I could truthfully say it was the blues. Most of my close friends knew that I had trouble this time of year, so it wouldn’t take them by surprise.

Sucking in a deep breath, I inspected myself in the mirror and then kissed my husband
’s cheek as he sat in front of the television with a beer in his hand. In our thirteen years of marriage he’d never drunk more than one beer a day.

Lately he seemed to guzzle down two or three, minimum. That didn
’t help our relationship, and one time I’d even told him I thought it might be contributing to his problem. Boy, that really blew up in my face. Somehow it became my fault that he needed beer every night, supposedly because I was too sexually demanding. That was a poor excuse to smell like a brewery, but he clung to his belief about me.

Sheesh, most husbands would love a wife with an insatiable appetite for her husband. So why didn
’t he feel that way? I didn’t understand his rejection, and it didn’t make it hurt any less. He’d always been “into” me until this past year. We’d had a wonderful love life. I wish I could turn back the clock, in more ways than one.

So I sat through the service. My lips moved during the songs, but I couldn
’t make the words come from my mouth. How could I praise God and sing about my love for Him while planning to meet my lover after the service? It was despicable, so I faked it and hoped the sermon would be about God’s love, and not about sin, or adultery. I’d surely die on the spot if it was.

Regardless, I had to stay involved in church. If I suddenly dropped out, everyone would freak out and suspect the worst. Not that attending while in my backslidden state was a good plan, but if the Lord was going to give me the strength to say no, then going to church could only help. But I wouldn
’t sing. Not out loud anyway. And the Lord’s Prayer? Ditto on that. No way would I repeat those lines. Not yet.

When the service ended
, I slipped out the door before anyone had a chance to talk to me. I slid into my SUV and called Tony, my hands shaking as I waited for him to answer.

“
This is Tony.” His thickly accented English made me shiver with delight.

“
It’s me. Still want me to come over?” I closed my eyes as I waited for his answer. Safely away from my church friends, I hadn’t started the engine yet, so I could do that.

“
Oh, yes. I hoped you want to come by my house. It’s very exciting to see you,
Bella Speranza
.”

I loved how my
Italian nickname rolled off his tongue. “I’ll be there in ten minutes. Just give me directions.”

“
When you see my road, take a right, then left on Durango. My house is tan color. I wait for you in back so neighbors don’t see you.”

“
Will they say anything?” I was suddenly worried. What if they knew me?

“
Neighbors can’t see in back of my house. Is open field. Neighbors will think you are family friend. Your windows have tint, yes?”

“
Of course. I forgot about that. Okay, I’ll be there in a few.”

“
I can’t wait to hold you in my arms again.” His voice deepened to a purr.

“
Same here.” I clicked my phone shut and reveled in the feeling of being desired. I loved it and it frightened me at the same time.

Within minutes I arrived at his house and drove to the back, hidden from the street and the neighbor
’s view. Tony stood on the back step wearing a pair of sweatpants and nothing on top. I hurriedly shut off my cell phone. No way would I take a chance on being interrupted. Not today.

As I opened the door and stepped down, I kept my eyes on him. His tan, muscular arms and chest captivated me, excited me. I couldn
’t believe his wife didn’t want him. Was she crazy? Or blind?

The half grin on his mouth widened into a broad smile when I shut the door. I hurried to the steps and he ushered me inside.
“I can’t believe you come here.”

“
I can’t believe it either.” I set my purse on the dryer.

We huddled in the pantry, staring at each other for mere seconds when I decided to pounce. I could tell he liked it, and that made me feel very powerful. So I pushed him against the washing machine and kissed him with everything I had in me.