Never Without Hope (Sacred Vows Book 1) (15 page)

I sat on our bed wondering what he’d do next. Afraid to move.

After five minutes I decided to scoot toward the phone by our bed and call my sister.
“Allison? You there?”

She picked up the phone and sounded groggy.
“What’s up? It’s the middle of the night here. Is something wrong?”

“
I know it’s late,” I sobbed into the phone. “I just wanted you to know that I told James. I couldn’t wait for you to come. I’m sorry. I just need you to pray for me, okay? I’m really scared. I don’t know what to do.” I pressed the top of my hand against my mouth as I tried not to wail into the phone.

“
Sure, Hope. I’ll be there the day after tomorrow. I was going to call you anyway to tell you I got my ticket tonight. I’ll call you when I get there.”

The sound of breaking dishes made me jump.
“Now James is breaking stuff. Oh, God, this is worse than I thought.”

“
Has he hurt you?” I sensed the panic in her tone.

Before I had a chance to answer her James stormed in the room, swore like a gang banger in the heat of a street fight, and then snatched the phone from my hand. He threw the phone at the wall, shattering it to pieces. 
“Don’t you dare tell anyone what’s going on. You hear me? No one!”

I flinched and noticed he
’d grabbed a beer bottle. He swigged the rest down and I could tell he was holding himself back, drinking to numb the pain.

There
’d been a day when I was younger when I’d do the same thing. I’d try to blitz away the heartache with booze. But the effect never lasted long. It always came back, often stronger than before.

“
Why, Hope? Why’d you do that? I never thought you’d be a slut like my other ex-wives. I thought you were different. I can’t believe I trusted you!”

My quaking shoulders sagged. I didn
’t even try to defend myself. I knew I was wrong and was just waiting for him to cast a stone at me. He had every right to, and if he tore into me, I wouldn’t even defend myself. I would deserve every lash, every kick. Instead of punching me, in his rage James did something he knew would hurt even more.

He screamed in my face that he wanted Jimmy to know what kind of mother he had. Then he darted across the house and stormed into Jimmy
’s room. I heard him cussing and calling me every foul name in the book. That didn’t pierce my heart half as much as the sound of Jimmy’s wails. “Stop it, Daddy! Stop!”

I ran to see what had Jimmy so upset beyond his father
’s obvious language and anger. I found  James bent over, leaning in our son’s face. He’d never intimidated Jimmy before or humiliated me—and with such rage!

He screamed about what a whore I was and how Jimmy needed to know the truth about me. Then he said we
’d all be better off dead and stormed out of the room.

As I sat on Jimmy
’s bed shaking beside him, I cried. “I’m so sorry, Jimmy. I’m so sorry. It’s not your fault. None of this is your fault, I promise. I’m so sorry.”

Our son stared at me with his chin quivering, his blue eyes wide, and his blond hair mussed, probably shocked and a bit mystified from being woken up out of a sound sleep.
“What did you do, Mom? Why did Dad call you a whore?”

I tried to think of a way to explain things that would be truthful, yet would make sense to someone his age.
“Remember when you were in second grade and you wanted that colorful ball at the store? Remember how you took it and put it in your pocket even though you knew stealing was wrong? Then you tried to hide it from me because you knew I’d be upset?”

He nodded slowly.

“Well, I wanted something I didn’t have, too. Your dad hasn’t touched me in bed in a long time, so when this guy friend of mine started touching me, I let him do it. I was so lonely, Jimmy. I’m sorry this happened to you, to us. I’m sorry.” I started crying again, my shoulders slumped as I crossed my arms over my stomach.

“
That’s okay, Mom. There are lots of people in the Bible who did bad things. That’s why God had the stories there so we’d know that even if we did bad things that God would help us to not sin anymore. Have you told God you’re sorry?”

I shook my head.
“I’m too ashamed.”

My son touched my shoulder.
“But He said to the woman they caught in adultery that if she went and sinned no more He wouldn’t condemn her, right Mom?”

I nodded again.

“So tell Him you’re sorry and that you won’t do something like that again.”

“
It’s not that easy, Son. I wish it were.” I put my arm over his shoulder.

He snuggled close.
“Mom, if I can forgive you then of course He can. He’s much more holier than I am. That’s why He’s called our Savior. We can’t save ourselves no matter what we do.”

Everything Jimmy said was true, and I marveled that from the mouth of my son poured forth wisdom and not condemnation.
“I know. I am sorry. I didn’t say that to God before because I didn’t think I would stop and I didn’t want to lie, you know?”

“
Yeah.” Jimmy wiped the tears from his cheeks and said, “No matter what you did, I love you, Mom. You don’t have to keep saying you’re sorry. I believe you.”

Of course, his loving statement just made me lose it all over again. I sobbed and clung to my boy, marveling at his soft heart
in spite of what had happened. Inwardly I dared to hope that God would forgive me, too. Though I went into the affair fully aware of how wrong it was, He would still forgive me if I truly repented. It sounded unbelievable.

James burst into the room, cursing.
“You lying to our son to win him over? Huh? Maybe I should just kill us all!” He made a gesture like he cocked a gun and pointed it at his head. He then growled and punched the wall, creating a fist-sized hole.

Jimmy started crying.
“Stop saying that, Daddy. Stop!”

I sat there, numb and yet feeling out of control. I didn
’t care about my own life at this point, but I needed to protect Jimmy. But how? Especially when I was the one that put us all at risk. I knew my husband would be angry, but never anticipated the kind of rage I witnessed as I clung to my child.

James slammed the door, making me flinch. After several minutes of waiting for him to return, I dared to get up and entered the living area with caution, Jimmy following close behind, clutching the back of my shirt. I noticed several empties lying on the table. James must have chugged the beer down, one right after the other. That had me worried given his fierce threat.

I’d never seen him drunk, but knew that condition would definitely impair his judgment, which, right now, wasn’t rational at all.

Plus I didn
’t know where James had gone. Didn’t know if he was still inside of the house or if he’d taken off in the car.

Until I heard a sob coming from the bedroom and what sounded like him beating the floor with his fists.
“Why God? Why?” He cried.

The sound of my husband
’s grief tore me up inside. Especially knowing that I was the cause of it all. Jimmy reached for my hand and squeezed so hard I flinched.

More crashing and banging. No doubt James pummeled everything in sight. What had me worried most was that he stored his guns in our bedroom. The key was in his dresser drawer. Now he had direct access to them both. Given his threatening statement and the fierce determination on his face, I didn
’t know what to think.

But for the first time in our marriage I  was so frightened my insides quaked, churning and cramping to the point I felt like I
’d vomit. Yet, I couldn’t move.

I was semi-frozen with a trauma reaction, almost catatonic. All I could do was stare at the wall and wait on fate, hoping I wouldn
’t lose the meager contents in my stomach, and sweating profusely. I wish I could say that I’d stood in front of my child and defended him with my life, but the truth was I couldn’t even speak.

While I waited, hoping his wrath would soon play out, I sat on the couch
—trembling—and held our son, whose fear mirrored my own. The sound of someone knocking on the door made me jump about an inch off the couch.

My head hammered
, and I grew dizzy from the stress of so much happening at once. So many things I couldn’t control. Couldn’t fix.

Jimmy stared at me, his brows furrowed as if deciding what to do.

When I hesitated, the knocking became more persistent. I heard a woman’s voice. “Anyone in there?”

Chapter 15

I watched, still mute and stiff, as Jimmy approached the door. “I’ll check, Mom.”

He waited for my nod of approval, then leaned forward.
“Who is it?” he asked through the wood.

Smart kid, he remembered our rule and didn
’t whip it open without checking first.

“
It’s the county sheriff’s department. We got a call that there may be trouble here. Can we please come in?”

Jimmy looked at me. Though the voice was female, her tone was kind. The person
’s voice didn’t sound harsh and screechy, so I forced myself to nod.

My son opened the door and ushered the two officers inside.

One male and one female officer, both roughly in their thirties, stepped in front of the couch and peered at me. I could hear my husband still beating on the floor and yelling in the other room, so most likely he didn’t even know they had come.

As Jimmy held open the door, I noticed they had arrived without their sirens blaring or lights flashing, and for that I was thankful. He peered outside for a moment, then shut it again.
“Brr…It’s cold out there.” His hands rubbed up and down his crossed arms.

The rush of cool air made my skin prickle and the hair on my arms stood on end.

The female officer looked toward the bedroom and nodded. “Do you feel safe here?”

I shrugged and rubbed my arms, imitating my son. I didn
’t know what to think. It took me a full minute to get the strength to speak. “My husband’s really angry.” I looked away, embarrassed by what I was about to say. “I told him I’d been having an affair. He never acts this crazy.” I swallowed hard.  “And  we have guns in the bedroom.”

My gaze returned to the officers, who didn
’t seem shocked at all. Concerned, yes, but not shocked. Maybe they’d seen this all before. Not that the notion comforted me any. I added, “I’ve never seen him this upset before, so I don’t know what he’ll do.”

The female officer looked at my son, who had just shut the door quietly so my husband wouldn
’t hear the door slam and investigate who we were talking to.

“
Are you scared, son?”

Jimmy nodded at the officer, his face pale.
“He said he’d kill us all but that was awhile ago and he hasn’t come near us since he said that. But I’m still scared because he’s so mad.”

“
Tell you what,” the female officer said. “Why don’t you grab a few things and drive down the road and wait until we tell you everything is clear? We’ll talk to your husband and see if we can get him to calm down or leave the premises for a few days. Okay?”

“
Sure.” I stood like a stiff mummy and walked toward my purse, still in disbelief that the cops were at my house and about to confront my husband. Grabbing my coat, I marveled that things were so out of control, but at least with the sheriff’s department at my house I didn’t need to worry about Tony’s wife showing up tonight. Or James shooting us like he’d threatened.

I watched Jimmy slip on his coat as the male officer contacted someone on his radio. I wondered if he was calling for back up. I certainly hoped so, since James was so emotional it would take more than two cops to subdue him, if needed. James was very buff and in great shape. Except for the sexual problem. That still didn
’t make sense to me, how he could look so fine and healthy, but not be able to respond sexually.

As I touched the doorknob
, I no longer concerned myself with Tony or his wife. She’d be an idiot to approach my house, especially if she wanted to avoid arrest for threatening behavior. Of that I was certain.

So with Jimmy at my heels and my head hanging down, I left my house without looking back. We got into our SUV and I drove to the end of our block, turned the lights off, cut the engine, and waited, just like the officer had requested.

It was the longest 40 minutes of my life. I listened to the local Christian radio station as they played worship songs. More than once my son poked my arm and nodded as I listened to the words about forgiveness and healing. Could I really have a brand new start even this far into the nightmare I called my life? I hoped so, but couldn’t fathom that much grace. It overwhelmed me to think about it.

I
’d trampled on my salvation, on the blood of Christ.

I watched as Jimmy finally fell asleep with his head on my lap.

Stroking his light brown hair, I leaned down to kiss the side of his face. Pretty soon his hair would be as dark as mine. And it smelled so fresh. I savored the scent as I closed my eyes and reflected on the good times we’d had together. He was growing up so fast.

Jimmy had lived a pretty sheltered existence before this crisis. He
’d never experienced any real trauma. Not before today.

Despite the fact
he was only an infant when my parents were killed in the wreck, it was Jimmy and the Lord who had gotten me through that difficult time. Sure, James had been there for me, but he worked sixty hours a week, so he wasn’t home much. I reflected on the many nights when I had clung to my son, singing him lullabies, sniffing his silky soft hair, and cradling him as I nursed him.

My relationship with Christ and the love I had for my son had helped me survive the pain back then, because I knew Jimmy needed me. Like he needed me now.

I heard the sirens before I saw the ambulance arrive. More cops peeled down the road, kicking up dust as they pulled in front of my house and hopped out of their squad cars. No longer did they seem concerned about propriety, but a sense of urgency pricked at my nerves regarding their hasty arrival. Something was wrong.

My heart pounded. Choking fear grabbed hold of me and squeezed my throat. I could only think of one reason why so many officers were needed. James had gotten violent.

Then I realized the truth. My husband must have killed himself! Or maybe he’d forced them to shoot him!  I remembered that gesture, when he’d pointed the gun at his head. He must’ve meant it!

Oh, God. What have I done?

I bit my lip to stifle the rising emotion, but I couldn’t stop the pain from overwhelming my heart and pouring out. My silent tears dripped onto Jimmy’s face and woke him up.

“
Mom? What’s wrong?” He rubbed the sleep from his eyes and sat up. The swirling lights captured his attention. His mouth hung open.

“
Why are there so many cops at our house, Mommy?”

I stuffed my shaking hand in my mouth so I wouldn
’t scream. Jimmy’s eyes widened as I bit my knuckles and choked on my sorrow, shaking my head in denial. It couldn’t be true. I refused to believe it. But it was the only thing that explained the many officers converging on my house.

I knew the instant what I
’d feared had occurred to Jimmy, because he gasped and his eyes welled with tears.

“
You don’t think he shot himself, do you, Mom?” His voice sounded scratchy, rough. “Dad wouldn’t do that. He loves us too much. Right, Mommy? No matter what you did, he wouldn’t hurt himself.”

Jimmy reached for my arm and gently tugged until I released my fist from my mouth.
“Mom, it’s going to be okay. We’ll ask God to help us. To help Dad.”

I stared at my hand and inhaled a shaky breath. I had to hold it together, but so many scenarios filled my mind. James lying on the floor, blood on the walls. James on a stretcher, vacant eyes staring, lifeless. A white sheet being pulled over his face.

“Dear Lord, be with us tonight. Help…”

I didn
’t hear another word as Jimmy prayed. I just examined my knuckles and focused on the dents where I’d plunged my teeth into my flesh. The accuser’s voice in my head grew louder, until I couldn’t stop the inevitable scream now bursting from my lips.
This is all your fault
.
All your fault
.
All your fault…

“
I killed him! Oh, God, I killed him.”

My shoulders shook as I buried my face in my hands, sobbing uncontrollably. The excruciating pain in my heart made me long for a way to quickly end it all. If James had felt half the pain I experienced at that moment, I could see why he
’d pull the trigger. Why he would give up.

If not for my son I would do the same. My sin had killed all hope of happiness in my family, my marriage, and my life, ever again.

“Mom, it’s not your fault. Stop saying that!” The pain in Jimmy’s voice made me look up. His precious face was streaked with tears.

“
But it’s true.” My chin quivered as I fought the next wave of grief that threatened to roll over me like a tsunami. The ambulance pulled onto the street and sped toward the hospital, giving me a flicker of hope. If he were dead, they wouldn’t be driving quickly. There would be no point.

“
Are you listening, Mom?”

I turned and focused on my son.
“I’m sorry. Say that again?”

“
I said It’s not true. Don’t believe that for a minute. It’s a lie. If Dad did something stupid, then he’s to blame. No matter how bad things feel, you always have a choice, Mom. Always. Isn’t that what you taught me?”

His face looked so mature, so serious, I couldn
’t help but nod my agreement.

Jimmy rubbed his face.
“But I still don’t think Dad did it.”

“
I hope you’re right.” I chewed on my lip and watched as several other officers drove away, following the ambulance.

“
But if for some reason he…he…you know, then it’s still not your fault. So stop blaming yourself. It’s not doing you any good to punish yourself, Mom.”

Out of the mouth of children comes wisdom. No kidding about the punishment. So far all of the self-flagellation had only caused me to sin more. I marveled as I absorbed the truth of his words. Just like my sin didn
’t justify James killing himself, my husband’s neglect of my physical needs didn’t justify my affair. Oh, that certainly made it easier to rationalize my sin, but what I’d done was ultimately my own choice.

Just like James. But what if he
’d pulled the trigger…

I squeezed my eyes shut and tried to force the horrible images from my mind.

Jimmy nudged me and whispered loudly, “Someone’s coming.”

Opening my eyes, I glanced up and saw the female officer approaching. I rolled down my window.
“What happened?”

Her eyes darted from mine, to my son
’s, then back again.

“
It’s okay. You can tell me even though he’s here. I want to know the truth, and I won’t hide anything from Jimmy.”

“
Your husband is on the way to the hospital.”

“
So he’s not dead?” I exhaled with relief. “Thank God.”

“
He looks like he’ll make it. But when we tazered him he started having chest pains and he went into cardiac arrest. I’m sorry, Ma’am, but he came out of the room so fast we didn’t have a chance to check him for weapons.”

“
I understand.” After all, I was the one who’d told them about the guns in the bedroom. If only I hadn’t mentioned the guns…but I was scared.

“
I need to take a short statement from you and your son.”

“
Sure.” I patted Jimmy’s arm then gave him a brief hug to encourage him.

So we went through the story again, one event at a time, careful not to leave anything out. When we finally finished
, my head throbbed from all of the crying and the stress.

“
Shall I escort you to the hospital so you can sign your husband in?”

“
Sure. I’m pretty tired and I have a wicked headache, so I need someone to follow.”

I looked at the dash and saw that it was two in the morning.

“We’ll need to hurry. They’re taking your husband to Strong Memorial hospital in Rochester. It’s a bit of a drive.”

Jimmy had wrapped his arms around my
waist and squeezed. He’d been so brave when he’d recounted the facts. But now I heard his muffled cries and knew he was too emotional to speak. He had to be worried about his dad, but I understood that he didn’t want the woman to see his grief. The poor kid had to deal with too much heartache for someone so young. And from a “Christian” home.

“
I’ll wait for you to pull out.” I turned the key and started the engine.

She nodded and headed for her car. I rolled up the window.

Life can be so unfair.

But it wasn
’t God’s fault. None of this.

It was all mine. I owned it. And  no one could change my mind. I would make it up to everyone. Somehow I
’d make things better.

“
Do you want me to take you to your friend’s house or do you want to come with me?” Not sure who I could call this late at night, I figured worst case scenario the youth pastor might help.