Letters to Matt (24 page)

I walk up front and find the hostess at her stand.

“Everyone’s here for the Prewitt party. I think we’re ready to start ordering.”

“Okay. Sounds great. I’ll send a couple waiters in.”

I thank her and head back to my friends and family.

Conversation fills the room as I sit back and take it all in. When I woke up in that hospital the exact same age my daughter is now, I thought my life was over after hearing the terrible news about Matt. I never in a million years thought that Sophie and I would be blessed with so many amazing people. I know that I couldn’t have raised Sophie to be the wonderful young lady she is today without the help of each and every one of them.

The dinner is filled with great food, great conversation, and lots of laughter. Not a single tear is shed as we all reminisce and talk about what the future holds for all of us. We even share stories about Matt and how much we miss that he can’t be here to see this. But all in all, it’s happy thoughts only.

When the dinner is over and we’ve sat there talking over an hour after our plates have been cleared, we decide it’s time for everyone to head home. Sophie and I take turns thanking everyone for coming.

When we climb in the car to head home, Sophie turns to me.

“We’re really lucky, aren’t we, Mom?”

I reach over and place my hand on hers. “Yes, we are, baby girl. We are so lucky.”

I walk into the living room and find Sophie sitting at the couch with a notebook. She has a crease in her forehead, the same one Matt used to get when he was thinking hard about something. I stop and stare at her for a few moments, taking in how much she’s like he was at that age. Ever since she was little, every little thing she did reminded me of him. I also see a lot of myself in her. She’s like the perfect combination of us. It’s bittersweet that she grew into such a lovely young lady and Matt isn’t here to see it.

“You’re doing it again,” she says, not looking up.

“Doing what?” I ask, sitting down next to her.

She finally turns her attention from her notebook to look at me. “Thinking about Dad. And thinking about how much I’m like him.”

I smile to myself. She’s extremely perceptive when it comes to me. Instead of replying, I give a sad smile and ask, “What are you working on?”

“My valedictorian speech. I can’t believe I’m graduating from high school tomorrow.”

“How do you think I feel? My baby’s gonna be going out into the real world. I don’t think I can handle this. I’m going to be so alone with you gone,” I tease.

“Why didn’t you ever get married? I know Dad passed away before I was born. You were so young, so why didn’t you ever get with someone else?”

I give a shrug. “I tried, but no one could replace your father. He was my one and only.”

“Doesn’t that make you sad, though? That you spent your whole life alone?”

“I wasn’t alone. I had you. You were better than any man. My whole life was about taking care of you.”

“No offense, but that’s kind of depressing.”

“I want to show you something,” I say, standing up.

I walk to my room and dig out the shoe box stuffed in the back of the closet. I make my way back to the living room. Sitting next to Sophie, I open the box. Sophie sets down her notebook and peeks over with curiosity in her eyes.

“What are those?”

“Letters,” I answer. “They’re letters from your father to me, and letters I wrote to him after he passed. I didn’t know how to deal with losing him, so I started writing to him to sort out my feelings. I wrote about how I missed him, how much I loved him, how much he would have loved you. I kept him up to speed on how everyone in our world was doing without him here. And when I needed it, I could go back and read his letters about how much he loved me and how excited he was to meet you. I know it seems depressing that I never remarried or that I spent my life alone, but these letters prove that your father and I had a love that lasted a lifetime, even after he passed.”

“Can I read some?” Sophie asks.

“Of course,” I say, offering her the box.

She reaches her hand in and grabs one out. She’s quiet as her eyes move back and forth on the page. Her face blushes red.

“Mom, you were a little vixen.”

I laugh. “I guess I should have warned you that some of them aren’t exactly PG rating.”

She folds up the one she had and grabs another. I recognize that it’s the first one I wrote to him after he passed. I’m apprehensive about Sophie reading how I didn’t feel connected to her when she was first born.

Her eyes tear up as she reads.

“Sophie, I just want you to know that was a very dark period in my life. I didn’t know how to process losing him. And I felt so ashamed that I didn’t feel attached to you. I felt like I had failed all three of us. But after that letter, I made myself a promise that I would be the best mother I could, because you deserved better than losing us both.”

“That’s not why I’m crying,” she says. “I can physically feel your pain in this. I have always known Dad died before I was born, but I guess I never realized how much it had hurt you. You always seemed like the strongest, bravest person I’ve ever known.”

“It got easier with time, especially since I had you. It was like a piece of him never left me, and that made the pain more bearable.”

She folds up the letter and grabs another one. A smile graces her lips as she reads. “Dad was kind of a cheeseball, wasn’t he?”

I smile. “Only when it came to me.”

“He was sweet, though.”

“Yeah, he was. See, that’s why I think it’s silly that people say it’s depressing I spent my life alone. I had true love. I had the real thing with your dad. Sure, it’s sad that he passed away young and that we couldn’t spend our life together, but I’m also one of the lucky ones. I had what most people spend their lives searching for.” I can feel tears welling up in my eyes and wipe them away. “The real tragedy is that he never got to meet you. That he’s not here today to see the beautiful, smart, amazing young woman you’ve become.” My voice cracks as I speak. “That you had to grow up without a dad. I tried my best, but I know sometimes I fell short because there was only one of me. Matt would have been an amazing dad; he would have been a much better parent than I ever hoped to be.”

“Not possible,” Sophie says, choking up. “Because you’re the best parent I could ever imagine having.”

I pull Sophie to me in a tight hug, and we cry together. “Weren’t we supposed to save all this crying for tomorrow?” I joke.

“We’re girls. We can cry whenever we want to,” Sophie responds. She pulls away from the hug. “Thank you, Mom, for everything you did. I can’t imagine what it was like losing Dad and being a parent so young. But you did an amazing job. I never could have made Valedictorian without you supporting me every step of the way. I know you always say I’m just like Dad and I get all my good qualities from him, but you were the one here. You were the one that raised me. You have all the credit for the person I am today.”

I wipe the tears from my eyes. “Thank you for saying that. It means a lot to me. I always just tried my best.”

Sophie stands up, wiping her own face. “Thank you for showing me those letters. I’m sorry you and Dad couldn’t have your happily ever after. I’m gonna go jump in the shower.”

I watch my daughter retreat from the room and pull out another letter from Matt. I haven’t touched this box in a few years. Even after I boxed them up, I would pull them out every now and then just to remember. I haven’t needed to in a while. I moved on with my life, I focused on raising Sophie and being everything she needed me to be. While I’m reading, my mind wanders to when I was Sophie’s age. To the night before my own high school graduation.

“What are you thinking about?” I asked, running my fingers across Matt’s naked chest. We were laying on his bed and he was being unusually quiet.

“Life,” he replied. “I’m the luckiest son of a bitch to walk the planet. I don’t know what I did to deserve this.”

I glanced up at him. “What do you mean?”

“We’re graduating high school tomorrow. There are so many people in our class that are unsure of what they want to be or what they want to do, but I know exactly what I want. I want to be an amazing husband and father. I’ve got a great job. I have a scholarship to go to school to continue in a career that I love. I have what some people don’t get until their thirties.”

“That’s a good thing, right?”

“It’s amazing,” he admitted. “But it’s a little unnerving at the same time. Some days I feel like my life is a dream. There’s no possible way that someone can have it all at eighteen.”

I reached over and pinched him. He let out a yelp. “Well,” I said, laughing, “you are definitely awake.” He shook his head. “And about the other stuff, you have it all because you worked for it. You’ve busted your ass at your job since you were sixteen. You’ve done everything you ever needed to make sure me and this baby will have a good life.” I placed his hand on my belly. “Nothing was handed to you. It’s not like this all just fell into your lap. You busted your ass for it.”

“I guess. I mean, it kind of feels like it fell into my lap, or more specifically like puzzle pieces that just fell into place easily.”

“That’s how life works sometimes. Some days it feels like everything is a disaster. Others it feels like everything is going great and you’re headed in the right direction. We are definitely headed in the right direction. It’s not always going to feel like we have it together, but as long as we have each other, we’ll make it through whatever life throws at us.”

“You got that right,” Matt said, kissing my forehead.

“New rule,” I proposed. “No more talk of the future. We have less than twenty-four hours of being high school students. Let’s act like it.”

“And how do you suppose we do that?” Matt joked. “I’m sure I have some old book reports around here that we can rewrite.”

I laughed. “I was thinking something entirely different. Let’s go for a drive. One final road trip to nowhere without a care in the world. We’ll stop at the gas station and get a bunch of junk food. We’ll blast the radio entirely too loud. Oooh, better yet, let’s call everyone and tell them to meet us at the Fields .”

“That sounds perfect.”

Our friends were all too eager to have one last get together at the Fields. The night was filled with laughter. We reminisced about our four years of high school together. We talked about the future and how we would stay friends forever. We stayed out too late, and when it was finally time to head back home, we shared hugs and a few tears. Later, Matt and I were back in bed. Matt twirled my hair through his fingers.

“So, what’s next on this agenda of yours?” he asked.

“Sex,” I answered. “Lots of sex.”

He let out a low growl. “I love the way you think,” he said, pulling me on top of him.