Letters to Matt (9 page)

My whole body is suddenly exhausted. I fold up the paper and drop it in the desk drawer before walking over and climbing into my empty bed. Sleep claims me quickly. I dream of Matt. I dream of what we were and could’ve been.

The sound of Sophie cooing in her crib fills the room from the baby monitor and it pulls me from my slumber. For the first time, I find myself happy to hear her voice. I smile in triumph. Mandy is a fucking genius. I decide to lay there listening to her talk herself awake. I feel tears of joy swell in my eyes. They slide down my cheeks as I relish at how truly lucky I am to have this little girl. She is, as Connie put it, a piece of Matt that no one can take from me.

I have let myself lay here long enough. It’s really time to get up. Connie is bringing the girls over in a little bit. They are spending the day with us so Connie can have a much needed shopping day with some of her friends. I still need to get Sophie in the bath. I would have done it last night, but she was fussy and I don’t think either of us felt like dealing with it.

I climb out of the bed and walk down the hall to Sophie’s room. She’s sitting up in her bed, playing with a stuffed elephant that I left in there for her.

“Hey, baby girl,” I say.

Her grin is huge as she looks up at me. It absolutely melts my heart how happy she always is to see me even though I haven’t been the mother she deserves. Her love is unconditional.

I lift her from the crib and pull her close to me. She giggles and rests her hand on my face.

“Let’s get you some breakfast,” I offer, walking to the kitchen with her in my arms.

The apartment has started to feel more like a home in the past few months. It’s no longer void of activity. Toys and clothes that I was too lazy to pick up last night litter the floor and couch. I put Sophie in her high chair so I can make her a bottle. I grab myself a cereal bar from the cabinet and pick up Sophie. After laying her down on the floor on a blanket with her bottle, I settle onto the couch and munch on my cereal bar as I flip through the channels and decide on an old movie I haven’t seen in forever.

I make a mental list of things I need to do before the girls get here. I need to pick up the living room and get Sophie a bath. I need to dig out the coloring books and Barbies from the closet for Mack and Madison to play with.

A couple of hours later, I have completed my mental list and there’s a knock on the door. I lift Sophie from the floor where she’s playing with some blocks and hoist her onto my hip. I open the door and the sight that greets me brings a laugh to my mouth.

Madison is standing perfectly still like a little adult. Mack is more restless while Connie tries to gather up her hair. Connie has a ponytail holder in her mouth and she’s speaking around it.

“Your hair looked fine when we left the house. I don’t understand how you manage to mess it up in a ten minute car ride.” Mack has the curliest, craziest hair I have ever seen in my life. I think it fits her personality.

“Ouch!” Mack protests as Connie accidentally pulls her head back.

“Well, if you would have left it alone, I wouldn’t have to reapply it.”

“It was too tight, Mom,” Mack argues.

Connie sighs. “You said it felt fine when I was done.”

“But it was too tight. Only wrap it twice.”

Connie does as requested and lets out another sigh as she looks up at me. “I don’t even know why I bother. It’s not going to hold anything. The darn thing is going to fall out in ten minutes. Hello, dear,” she says, pulling me in for a hug as the girls rush in past me.

I can hear the excitement in their voice as they notice the toys laid out on the floor.

“Hey,” I say, returning Connie’s embrace.

“There’s my girl,” she says, turning her attention to Sophie. I hand her over and Connie plants sweet kisses all over her face as Sophie reaches for the sunglasses on top of her head. Connie laughs and looks back at me. “You okay?” she asks, studying my face. Connie, like Matt, is extremely perceptive.

I guess the emotions I felt from the letter last night affected me more than I thought.

“I’m fine,” I insist. “Just had a long night last night.”

“Oh, I thought Sophie was sleeping through the night.”

“She is,” I answer. “I was just thinking about stuff.”

Connie nods in understanding. I don’t know why I don’t want to tell her about the letters. I guess I just feel like if I tell people, it’ll make it less personal, less meaningful.

“Thanks again for taking the girls,” she says, changing the subject.

“It’s no problem. They’re perfect angels when they’re here.”

“Girls, come give Mom a hug and kiss goodbye.”

They abandon their toys and come running to her. She hands Sophie back to me before squatting down and embracing both of them. She tells them she loves them and kisses their foreheads. When she stands, she turns to me one last time.

“Thanks again, Jaden. Love you.”

“Love you. Have fun!” I wave at her as she gets in her car and drives off.

“Jaden, can we have some candy?” Mack asks, looking up at me. The girls know I keep a secret chocolate stash in one of the kitchen drawers.

“I thought your mom said she was cutting you off from candy,” I say sternly.

“Well…” she says sheepishly. She reminds me so much of Matt when he wanted something he knew he probably shouldn’t have. “Maybe it would be okay just this once.”

I laugh. “How about we eat lunch in a little while and see about it then?”

She looks heartbroken, but nods before running back to the toys where Madison is brushing Barbie’s hair. The girls sit and play quietly for a while until it’s time for lunch. I make hot dogs and put some potato chips on their plate. I put ketchup and mayonnaise on Mack’s plate. I make sure none of the food is touching on Madison’s plate and call them in as I grab a jar of baby food for Sophie, who’s cooing happily in her high chair.

I love having the girls over. It’s hectic and they can be a handful, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything. They come trouncing into the kitchen and take their seats.

Mack rambles on about going to the zoo last week while everyone eats and I feed Sophie. When Mack is done, she sets down her fork.

“Can I have some candy now?”

“Do you want another hotdog?”

Mack shakes her head. “I want
Snickers
,” she states matter-of-factly.

I laugh again and walk over to the drawer and pull out two fun size
Snickers
.

“Do you want anything, Madison?”

Madison shakes her head. “Candy is bad for me. I don’t want cavities.”

“More for me!” Mack announces.

I laugh. “Just because your sister doesn’t want any doesn’t mean you get extra, Mack,” I chastise. “You get those two and that’s it.”

She frowns slightly, but goes about eating her
Snickers
. Madison climbs out of the chair. “Can I go color, Jaden?”

“Sure, sweetie.”

She takes off to the other room. Ten minutes later, Mack has finished her snack and I have put Sophie down for a nap. I lay on the floor with the girls and we color for a little while. It’s amazing how different the girls are even in their coloring. Mack is borderline scribbling on her purple mouse while Madison is meticulous, making sure everything is the right color and not a smidge of crayon reaches outside of the lines.

“Can we hang these up on your fridge, Jaden?” Madison asks.

“Absolutely, Madison. I was just thinking that my fridge was looking a little bare.”

She smiles, proud of herself, before going back to her task.

An hour later, we are all cuddled up on the couch, watching a movie. Madison is yawning even though she insists she’s too old for naps. The door opens and Connie walks in with bags in her hands.

“Mommy!” the girls squeal, scrambling off the couch.

They run into her open arms as she sets down the bags and squats down to their level.

“Did you girls have fun with Jaden and Sophie?”

“Yeah, we colored,” Mack informs her.

“Jaden said we could hang them on her fridge,” Madison adds as she takes off to the kitchen to grab the colored pages.

“Wow. Those are beautiful,” Connie gushes when Madison waves them in her face. “Great job of staying in the lines, Madison. Love the purple mouse, Mack!” she compliments.

I stand back and watch Connie with the girls. Connie is the perfect mother. I’m convinced of it. She is always so supportive and loving with her kids. That’s not to put down my own mother, but if I had to pick one that wasn’t my own mom, it would be Connie.

I know I’m extremely lucky to have her in my life. Some women might be resentful of the girl who walked away from the car crash that killed her son, but Connie never showed any disdain toward me. If anything, she pulled me closer to her after the loss of Matt. I have no doubt that wherever I go in life, she will always consider me family. I also know that it’s not just because I have her granddaughter. She loves me as one of her own and always will.

When we announced our pregnancy, she was the first to get up and hug me.

I walked out of the bathroom to find Matt just outside the door. I startled, not expecting him to be there. He smiled at me as I held my hand to my heart.

“I didn’t mean to scare you,” he said, though I could tell he was amused. “You ready to do this?”

I shook my head. “I know we’re excited, but our parents aren’t going to be exactly thrilled about us getting knocked up when we’re still in high school.”

“I know,” Matt said. “But I think when we explain to them that we both plan to finish school and that we’re getting an apartment, they’ll be proud of how responsible we are.”

I snorted slightly. “Let’s hope.”

Matt grabbed my hand and we headed back downstairs. I felt all the air leave my body as I watched our parents sit in the living room chatting. They were laughing and joking around. I kind of felt bad for ambushing them like this. Matt and I had invited my parents over, saying we wanted us all to sit down and have a nice dinner that Matt and I would cook. Truth be told, we were hoping to soften them up a bit. They were so happy, so unsuspecting that they were about to be told they would be grandparents in around seven months.

I took a deep breath and Matt leaned down to kiss my forehead.

“It’ll be okay,” he assured me.

I squeezed his hand and took the first step toward the love seat. My heart was pounding in my chest so hard I was sure everyone could hear it. I was so grateful for Matt at my side. He was the only thing keeping me as calm as I was.

We sat down, and Mom was the first one to notice us.

“Jaden, are you okay? You look a little ill, dear.”

I swallowed the lump in my throat and opened my mouth to speak. No words would come out. My parents were going to be so disappointed. It’s not like we planned it, though. These things happen. Luckily, Matt spoke up.

“So, we have a confession to make,” he said. “We had some ulterior motives for having everyone here for dinner tonight. Jaden and I have some news.” We both knew this was serious, but Matt couldn’t help the smile that spread across his face. Regardless of what our parents thought, we were excited and happy. This was exactly what we wanted.

I had been watching Matt while he spoke, but I forced my attention to our parents. Mom, Connie, and Dad were on the big couch. Mom and Connie looked worried, Dad was throwing daggers at Matt. Doug, who was in his own chair, looked confused.

“Mom, Dad,” I squeaked out. I cleared my throat and Matt squeezed my hand, giving me strength. I didn’t even know how to word it, so I just started rambling. “We didn’t mean for it to happen. We were being careful,” I said, all in one breath.

Realization dawned on their faces. Dad swore under his breath. Mom said, “Jaden Rhea, so help me…”

“Well, go on,” Doug said. “Tell us.” He wanted to hear the words come from our mouths.

Matt drew in a breath. “Jaden’s pregnant.”

Mom threw her face in her hands and started crying. Dad set his jaw and fixed a glare on Matt. Doug entwined his hands, and Connie looked like she was fighting off a smile.