Letters to Matt (6 page)

His reaction was almost immediate. He grabbed my hips and ground his hardening manhood into my soft center with a groan. I moved my mouth to his.

“You are the most amazing boyfriend, ever,” I told him, peppering him with light kisses.

“Mmm?” he asked, his eyes still closed. “And why is that?”

“I know about the concert tickets,” I told him, kissing his neck.

He let out a groan, this time out of frustration. “I’m going to punch Mitch.”

“Mm mm,” I said, shaking my head. “He didn’t do it on purpose. You were still logged into
Skype,
and he didn’t realize I was on the computer.”

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I wanted it to be a surprise.”

“It was a surprise,” I told him. “This is the best damn anniversary present ever. I think you deserve a reward.”

His anger was completely subsided as he rubbed soft circles on my hips that drove me crazy.

“Oh yeah?” he asked.

“Definitely,” I agreed, pressing my mouth to his in a hot, desperate kiss.

He kissed me back with just as much passion. I rolled my hips on his hardened shaft. He groaned into my mouth and tried to flip me over. I anticipated the move and held tightly onto the headboard.

“Oh no. This is all about you; you just lay back and enjoy it,” I told him as I started kissing his neck again.

I sat up and took off my bra, before dropping it onto the floor. His hands immediately went to my now free boobs. He pulled and pinched in a way that felt wonderful. A soft moan escaped my lips before I bent down and kept kissing my way down his stomach. I pulled his boxers free and he sprang to life. I took his shaft gently in my hand before licking away the pre-cum from the head.

A lovely sound came from his mouth. I glanced up at him.

“Tell me what you want, baby,” I prompted, watching him under heavy eyelids.

“I want you on top of me,” he said. “I want to be inside your tight, sweet body. I want to watch your tits bounce as you ride me.” He reached down and pinched my nipple for emphasis.

I knew neither of us could last much longer, so I climbed back up his body and reached into his drawer for a condom. I ripped the foil open with my teeth and took my time rolling the condom down his ready manhood. He groaned at my touch, and I smiled, loving that I could make him react in such a way.

“Ready?” I asked, poising myself above him.

He could only nod as his hands gripped my waist, helping guide me down.

A voice breaks through my thoughts. I feel my face flush at my own thoughts.

“Jaden?” Connie repeats. “Are you okay?”

The embarrassment is quickly replaced with an overwhelming sadness. I turn to her, tears already streaming down my face.

“I miss him so much,” I tell her. “I miss him so damn much.”

“I know, honey. I know.” She pulls me to her in a tight hug. My tears quickly become contagious and soon we are holding each other, crying in the doorway to Matt’s old bedroom.

The past few months have passed in a blur. I have my good days and my bad days. I don’t miss Matt any less, but I find that each passing day it becomes a little easier to deal with. Everyone has kept me busy with preparing for the baby. Connie, Mandy, and Mom helped me finish getting the nursery ready. Matt had already set up the crib and put in the furniture, so it was only a matter of organizing everything. I know they wanted to throw me a baby shower, but I insisted I didn’t need one. Matt and I had everything we needed.

It also turns out that Matt had left all of his savings, which was more than I had even realized, to me and the baby. He left a little money to his parents, too, from his life insurance after what needed to be taken out for funeral expenses. Connie insisted I take it, but I told her Matt wanted her to have it. I know it seems a little crazy for a nineteen-year-old boy to have a will and all his affairs in order, but he was always so organized, especially after we found out we were pregnant. Not to mention that there was a certain amount of risk included in his roofing job.

He wanted to make sure me and this baby, and the rest of his family, were taken care of. It made me love him even more.

I’m lying in my dark room, staring at the ceiling. I’m still at Mom’s. I had only gone into my apartment a handful of times: when we went in to finish the nursery and when Connie and Mom went with me to box up Matt’s stuff a couple of weeks back. It had been hard, but we all knew it needed to be done. I was so grateful for Mom and Connie. I couldn’t imagine doing it by myself. It had been an emotional day filled with crying and packing, and more crying. We even managed to laugh a little. We joked about how Matt was notorious for losing his socks. Seriously, he could never find a matching pair. And how he left his work boots in the middle of the floor, even though it drove us crazy.

Now, I am focusing on breathing through another contraction. These damn
Braxton Hicks
are killing me. If this is just a test, I can’t imagine how the real thing is going to be. Suddenly, I feel wetness between my legs. I panic. It’s time.

These aren’t
Braxton Hicks
. This is the real thing. I wait for the contraction to stop and stand from the bed. I grab my phone and head down the hall to Mom and Dad’s room. I glance at my phone, realizing I have no idea what time it is.  The numbers on the screen tell me it’s one in the morning.

I slowly open the door.

“Mom,” I say softly, but she hears.

“What’s up, sweetie?”

“Mom,” I repeat. “I think it’s time.” I have the sudden urge to cry. I don’t want to do this without Matt.

“What, honey?” She’s still groggy from sleep as she reaches over to turn on the small lamp by her bed. She sees me standing there with tears in my eyes. “Oh, shit. It’s time!” She reaches over and shakes Dad. “Trevor. Trevor, wake up. We have to take Jaden to the hospital. It’s time!”

To his credit, Dad wakes up faster than Mom. He immediately jumps out of bed and starts to panic.

“Okay, where’s our overnight bags? Did someone call the doctor yet?”

“I have to call Mandy,” I say, starting to dial on my phone.

Luckily, Mom is the voice of reason as she slowly gets out of bed. “Okay, everyone just needs to calm down. The bags are downstairs by the door. You can call Mandy from the car. And Connie, too.”

Dad is throwing on jeans and a t-shirt as Mom also gets dressed. I don’t have the energy to change when they’re just going to throw me in a robe when I get there, anyway. We all make our way downstairs and slip on our shoes. Dad grabs his keys and the bags.

He instructs us to get in the car while he puts the bags in the trunk. Mom and I settle into the backseat.

“How are you contractions?” Mom asks.

“They hurt.” But I know that’s not what she’s asking. “They’re about ten minutes apart and I think my water broke.”

“Okay. Well, Dad’ll get us to the hospital. Why don’t you call Mandy, and I’ll call Connie?”

I nod and pull out my phone. I dial Mandy’s number. She’s sleeping so it takes almost six rings before she answers.

“’Lo?”

“Mandy.”

“Jaden?” she asks, her voice more alert. “Is everything okay?”

“Yeah, I’m just going into labor. We’re headed to the hospital now.” Beside me, I can hear Mom having a similar conversation with Connie.

“Okay. I’ll be there as soon as I can. Don’t have that baby without me.”

I laugh at her words.

“I’ll try not to.”

“I love you. See ya soon.”

“Bye,” I say, hanging up the phone. I still haven’t been able to say the words. It makes me feel like a terrible person.

On the way to the hospital, I have another contraction. Mom holds my hand and soothes me through it, but it’s not the same. I want Matt. I’m feeling a million different emotions. I’m nervous about labor, I’m excited to meet my daughter, I’m happy that she’s almost here, but I’m so crushed that Matt is missing this.

We park at the hospital and make our way in. Connie lives closer to the hospital so she’s already standing there waiting with a nurse and a wheelchair when we walk in. They prompt me into the wheelchair. Mom and Connie hug and cry.

“Where’re Doug and the girls?” Mom asks.

“They’re at home sleeping. I told Doug to bring the girls when they wake up. There’s no point in bringing the whole family. The baby won’t be here for a while.”

We’re all walking—well, I’m being wheeled—down the hallway when I hear a voice.

“I’m here! I’m here!”

I turn to see Mandy looking ruffled and out of breath. It looks like she threw on the same jeans she wore the day before and her shirt is on backward. I can’t help but laugh at my friend. A few nurses glare at her for yelling in the otherwise quiet hallway, but she pays them no mind.

We stop and wait for her to catch up. She makes her way to us and drops in front of me.

“Are you ready to do this, Mommy?”

I nod my head, feeling a million times better knowing I have Mandy. She’s no Matt, but she is a damn fine substitute.

“Alright, let’s go,” she says, grabbing my hand. “Now, if you have any contractions just squeeze…” The words are barely out of her mouth as another one hits me. I squeeze her hand, glad to have human flesh instead of the sheets I’d been gripping all night. “Ow ow!” she screeches. I would glare at her if I could. “Kidding. I’m only kidding.”

Mom and Connie shake their heads. The twinkle in their eyes tell me they are thankful that I have Mandy, though. Everyone stops as I work my way through the contraction.

The nurses set me up in the room, and the rest is a waiting game.

It’s noon and the baby still isn’t here. Mitch and the rest of my friends have stopped by to say hi. Friends of the family have popped in. Doug is sitting on the couch with the girls as they color. Mom and Connie are talking, while Mandy and Adam bicker in the corner. It’s not as bad as it used to be, but they still have their moments.

Grandma Pearl, my mom’s mom, is fussing around all the machines I’m hooked up to.

“I don’t know what any of this stuff means,” she says. “We didn’t have any of this fancy equipment when I was pregnant.”

“It’s just to make sure everything is okay with me and the baby, Grandma,” I tell her.

I’m trying not to be pissy, but I’m seriously so sick of these contractions and the amount of people in and out of the room. I just want Matt.

The nurse comes in and says she needs to check me. She asks everyone to clear out of the room except Mom, who stands at my head. The nurse’s name is Christy. She has caramel colored skin and her dark hair is pulled back into a bun. I find myself wishing I had Kayla as a nurse. Kayla heard I was here delivering the baby and stopped by on her break to say hi.

I stare up at the ceiling while Christy checks me.

“Well, darlin’, it looks like you’re ready to start pushing. Who would you like to stay in the room with you?”

“My mom, and Connie, and Mandy.” She frowns when I mention Mandy.

“We usually only allow two people in here for the delivery.”

My face drops. I can’t do this without the three of them. I don’t have Matt, so I need all the extra support I can get. I start to cry and she rushes to calm me.

“I’ll talk to the doctor. We’ll see if she can stay, if she just stands off to the side. Is that okay?”

I bite my bottom lip and nod.

“Okay, let me go get the doctor. Just hang in there, okay?”

She lets everyone come back one last time. Everyone tells me congratulations and that I’ll do wonderfully. Everyone files out but Mom, Connie, and Mandy. Mandy is holding my hand. The doctor walks in. He’s a little old man who delivered my mom. He’s really a wonderful doctor and I’m lucky I’ve had him.

“Okay, let’s have a baby!” he says cheerfully as he heads over to wash his hands.

Nobody says anything about the extra person, so I assume it’s safe for her to be here. The nurses busy themselves with setting up the bed and putting my legs in the stirrups.

“Okay, Grandmas, why don’t you get on either side of her?” he suggests. “Friend, do you want to stay over on the couch?”

Mandy nods and takes her hand from mine. The doctor sits on a small stool in front of me, examining everything.

“Okay. On the next contraction, I need you to push.”

I nod my head. The next contraction hits, and tears well up in my eyes. I can’t push. I just can’t.

“Jaden, you have to push,” Dr. Rush prompts.

I shake my head from side to side, crying. “I can’t. I can’t do it. It hurts.” I had opted out of an epidural and now I am really starting to regret that decision.

Mom squeezes my hand. “You have to, sweetie. You have to push.”

“I can’t!” I scream. “I want Matt! I can’t fucking do it without him.” Normally, Mom would scold me for using the F word. But right now she only looks at me with sadness.

I can see Mandy poising herself to stand from the couch. A look of despair crosses her face. I know she would take my place in a heartbeat if she could. 

It’s Connie that leans down to my ear, though.

“I know it hurts, Jaden. I know it’s hard. I know you want Matt here, we all do, but there’s nothing anyone can do to change that. If I could, I would in a heartbeat, but I can’t. That’s a part of my son in there, okay? That baby is a piece of Matt that no one can take from you. Matt would be so proud of you, Jaden. So, so proud,” she repeats as she pushes my hair back. “Now let’s have this baby, okay? We’re here with you every step of the way.”

I nod my head, determination winning over the aching in my heart. I steel myself and when the next contraction comes, I push with everything in me. For the next thirty minutes, it’s me screaming and pushing and the whole room cheering me on.

“We have a head,” Dr. Rush says. “One more push and you can meet your beautiful baby girl, okay, Jaden?”

I give it my all. I scream until my throat feels raw. I push and I scream, and I don’t stop until the sound of my daughter joins my voice. I immediately fall back onto the bed and start to sob. Relief and sadness and an unbelievable joy fill every fiber in my body. Connie presses a wet cloth to my head and tells me how awesome I did as Mom peaks over at the doctors, who are working to clean up the baby.

“Ten fingers and ten toes,” she announces.

Dr. Rush walks over with my naked child in his arms as the nurse starts to pull down my gown. He places her on my exposed chest.

“Congratulations, you gave birth to a perfectly healthy baby girl,” he tells me.

I’m crying so hard I can barely see her. I wrap an arm around my daughter so she doesn’t fall. Leaning down, I kiss her forehead even though she’s still covered in some blood and goop that the nurses missed. Mom rushes out of the room to tell every one of the new arrival.

“Welcome to the world, Sophie Rhea Prewitt,” I whisper against her forehead. “I love you.”

A little bit later, they take Sophie away so I can pass the afterbirth. After dressing the baby and wrapping her in a blanket and making sure I’m decent, we start letting people in. Dad, and Doug and the girls come in first.

They pass the baby around. Dad sits with the girls, letting them take turns holding Sophie. Doug walks over and kisses me on the forehead.