Letters to Matt (18 page)

I give a sad smile. “You’ve picked a winner, Mitch.”

“Oh, I know. She’s amazing.”

Destinee joins us all and places her hand in Mandy’s. I look up to see Connie waving us over. We make our way and Connie pulls me in a tight hug. I hear her sniffle in my ear and fight my own tears back. When we break apart from our hug, she wipes away her tears and Doug pulls me to him as well. Then it’s the girls’ turn. They both have on pretty, white dresses. Mack’s hair is in a French braid, probably because Connie didn’t want to fight with it anymore.

In the next ten minutes, my parents, Adam, and Nadine all show up. There is more hugging and more tears. Once everyone has said hello, Connie looks around at all of us.

“Well, let’s do this,” she prompts.

Everyone grabs each other’s hands and our little army walks toward the headstone in silence. I have Mack and Madison on either side of me, their little hands grasped tightly in mine, since Mandy still has Sophie. At first, no one says a word when we reach the headstone. After a minute, Connie collapses in a fresh wave of tears. Doug drops beside her and wraps his arm around her.

“My baby boy,” she howls, pain lacing her words.

The rest of us step back a ways to let them have a moment alone. After a few minutes, Connie waves for Mack and Madison. The girls both have tears streaming down their face as they let go of my hands and go to their parents. All four of them take turns speaking, but I can’t make out the words.

Five minutes later, Connie stands up, dusting the dirt off herself and her family. Next, Mitch walks up. I can’t make out the words, but I catch a few names, including mine and Sophie’s and Sydney’s. Then, Adam and Nadine walk up. Mandy hands me Sophie before taking Destinee’s hand and the two of them walk up. My parents go up next. When they make their way back to the group, Mom nods at me and gives my hand a tight squeeze before I walk up.

My legs feel like jelly as they carry me to the headstone. I squat down and set Sophie on my lap. Tears silently stream down my face as I trace Matt’s name in the headstone.

I don’t speak for a few moments before finally choking out, “I love you.”

The music and energy in the air surrounded me, making my whole body buzz with excitement. I stood at the punch table, filling a little plastic cup, and then gulped the punch down quickly. My face was flushed from dancing. I felt something brush up against me and mumbled my apology as I moved out of the way.

“It’s okay, sweetie,” I heard as a hand planted itself on my bottom.

I yelped and moved away. Before I could say a word, the voice spoke again. “You look real nice in that dress, baby.”

I looked up to see a guy standing in front of me. I didn’t know his name, but I was pretty sure he was a senior on the basketball team.

“Um, thanks,” I replied. “I picked it because orange is my boyfriend’s favorite color,” I said, hoping he would get the hint and go away.

“A boyfriend, huh? Figures a pretty girl like you would be snatched up. Let’s say you ditch the loser and let a real guy take you out?”

“No thanks,” I replied. “I, um…I’m gonna go back to dancing.” Truth be told, I was kind of nervous.

“Have a dance with me, baby,” he said, grabbing my arm.

“No, I really have to go find my boyfriend.” I started to panic slightly. No one had ever grabbed my arm like that, refusing to let go. I tried to remain calm, though, and reminded myself that I could scream if I needed help. We were in a crowded gym after all.

“C’mon, he can share. Just one dance. I’ll have you breaking his heart in no time.”

“I really think—“ I wasn’t able to get my words out before I saw Matt fly past me and push the guy away from me.

“She said no, asshole.”

“You little shit,” the guy growled. “I’ll kick your ass for that.” He raised his fist, but before he could swing, two of his buddies were grabbing onto him and pulling him away. I watched as they told him he was going to get himself into trouble.

Once the group was a safe distance away, I turned on Matt, my hands on my hips.

“Why did you do that?” I yelled. “I had it under control. I was just going to walk away. He could have seriously hurt you if his friends hadn’t pulled him back!”

“What? So I’m just supposed to stand back while some jackass harasses the girl I love?”

“Yes!” I told him. Then it dawned on me what he had said. “Wait. What? Did you—did you just say you love me?”

Matt rubbed the back of his neck. “Well, yeah. Because I do.”

I smiled and grabbed his hand. “Let’s go dance.”

There was a slow song playing. Matt wrapped his arms around me and I rested my head on his chest.

“I love you, too,” I said softly.

Matt pulled his head back while I looked up at him. He pulled me tightly against him as he placed a kiss on my forehead.

I pull away from the memory and reach up to wipe the tears from my eyes. Standing up, I join the rest of the group behind me. Mom wraps her arm around me. Without a word, everyone starts to walk back to the cars.

“So, does anyone have any suggestions to where we should eat?” Connie asks.

“How about
Pasta Palace
?” Mitch suggests. “It was always Matt’s favorite.”

“That sounds perfect,” Connie says as we all nod our head in agreement.

Everyone piles into their cars and we make our way to the restaurant. The look of shock on the hostess’ face when we all walk in is pretty funny. Connie walks up to her.

“Hello,” the hostess greets. “Are you all together?”

“Yes, please,” Connie says. “We have ten adults, two children, and we’ll be needing a high chair.”

“Absolutely,” she says. “Just give me a couple of minutes to put some tables together and I’ll be right out to get you.”

“Thank you.”

There’s a small waiting area with benches. We all gravitate toward it and take seats while we wait. Mandy and Adam whisper to each other, as do Mom and Connie, but the rest of us are quiet. I don’t think any of us quite know what to say after the emotions of the cemetery. I know I’m feeling pretty speechless.  A few minutes later, the hostess returns and guides us to our seats. We all follow her wordlessly.

I’m barely aware of the waiter coming over and introducing himself. I mindlessly order a
Dr. Pepper
. The small conversation at the table is strained as a few people try to make it a little less awkward. I don’t hear anything that’s said, though. I’m lost in my thoughts of what today means. I wonder what we would have been doing today instead if Matt had survived. I busy myself with digging some snacks out for Sophie and putting them on her high chair.

“So, I want to share a story with everyone that I think only Mandy and Destinee know about,” Mitch begins. This catches my attention and I glance up from dumping little cereal stars out for my daughter. “I remember when Matt decided he was going to propose to Jaden.” My breath hitches in my throat as I remember details of the night he gave me my ring. I feel the tears well up just thinking about how happy we had been that night. Without thinking, my hand gravitates to the ring. I’d placed it on a chain a few months back. It felt weird to have it on my finger, but I couldn’t handle not having it on me. “He was so nervous,” Mitch continues, and I force myself to push the agony away so I don’t miss a single word. “He agonized over the ring. ‘Was it too small? Was it ugly? Would Jaden like it?’ Matt was truly hopeless when it came to jewelry. He usually just paid attention when Jaden said she liked a certain necklace or bracelet.” He looks at me. I see a pain in his eyes, but I also see a hint of happiness as he remembers his best friend.  “But this time you were being a pain in the ass and not showing any interest to a particular ring—his words, not mine.” The sound of laughter interrupts his words and I find myself giggling before I wipe the tears from my face. “He made me go with him to the jeweler, because you know two eighteen year old guys trying to pick out an engagement ring is better than one. I swear, we spent an hour in there. I don’t know who was ready to strangle Matt more, me or the nice guy trying to help us.” Another round of laughter erupts around the table. “He kept saying ‘It has to be perfect. Jaden deserves a ring that’s as beautiful as she is. It has to be the perfect ring.’ And finally, finally after I was at my wits end, he picked one. I swear, he squealed and jumped like a school girl when he found it. I’m not making that up.” Laughter bubbles up inside of me again. I feel a hand on mine. I look up to see Connie giving me a smile and squeeze her hand back. “Then he panicked. ‘What if she says no? We’re only eighteen. What if she doesn’t want to marry me?’ I had to talk him down from his fit. That took another fifteen minutes. I told him—and I will never forget these words as long as I live. They are as true today as they were then—‘Man, look, Jaden loves you. Her whole face lights up when you’re around her, or someone even mentions your name. She is carrying your baby and she looks like the happiest person on the whole planet. I’ve never seen two people more perfect for each other.’  He walked out of that shop with a beautiful ring in a velvet box and a giant smile. He was the most excited, and most nervous, I’d ever seen him.” Mitch raises his glass. “To Matt. We miss you, man.” 

There’s a moment of shuffling as everyone grabs their glasses. “To Matt,” we say in unison, clinking our drinks together.

“And to Jaden,” Mitch adds. Every nods to me and half raises their glasses again.

I look to Mitch, with tears streaming down my face. “Thank you,” I mouth.

He nods his head.

“I remember when Matt was eight,” Connie begins. “He was huge into
Superman
. That kid ate, slept, and breathed the super hero. He even had a cape that he wore. That thing was so dirty and stunk so bad. I had to wrestle it off him just so I could wash it every week. He would sit by the washing machine, waiting until it was ready to be worn again.” I laugh at the thought of a young Matt sitting in front of a washing machine. “He was convinced that the cape gave him super powers. One day, he was jumping off the couch. I told him to be careful or he would hurt himself. He told me ‘Oh, Mom, I’m playing like
Superman
. I can’t get hurt.’ Oh, was he wrong. He got hurt alright. Jumped straight into the coffee table and busted open his head. He was such a big boy about it. Barely even cried. We took him to the ER, and he thought he was the coolest thing around with his stiches.” I can see the sadness in Connie’s eyes, but even more prominent than that is the smile on her face at the memory of her son.

I want to get up and hug her. I want to thank her for raising such an amazing son. Without her, I never would have had Matt in my life. And that thought is even more unbearable than losing him.

For the rest of the meal, everyone takes turns sharing sweet or funny stories about Matt. It’s bittersweet hearing them all. It makes me wonder how someone so loved and full of life could be taken so young. I don’t have it in me to share a story of my own without breaking down, so I enjoy everyone else speaking about how they remember him.

The waitress comes and asks how we would like the bill split up. Before anyone can get a turn, Mitch speaks.

“Put hers on my bill,” he says, pointing to me.

“Oh, no. That’s fine; I can get it.”

“You’re not paying, Jaden,” Connie says. “Because if Mitch hadn’t spoken up, I would have taken your bill.”