Letters to Matt (17 page)

“Hey,” he says.

“Hello,” I answer. “What’s up?”

“Are you home alone?”

“Sophie is sleeping, but yeah, it’s just me and her. Why?”

He hesitates slightly. “This is going to sound so lame,” he says. “I have wants,” he continues after a brief pause. I raise my eyebrows even though he can’t see me. “I’m…lonely.”

I let out a laugh. “Cole, are you trying to tell me you’re horny?”

I hear his sigh over the phone. “Am I an asshole? I mean, we just met. And here I am calling you up for a…”

“A booty call?” I finish for him.

He sighs again. “This was a terrible idea. I mean, just because we slept together doesn’t mean that I have any reason to expect it again. And I don’t want you to think I’m just after sex, because I’m not.”

I consider his words for a moment. I mean, would it be the worst thing in the world if two consenting adults fool around while trying to get a feel for if there’s a relationship there? With this in mind, I say my next words. “Why don’t you head on over? If something happens, it happens. If not, we’ll just chill and watch movies or something.”

“Are you sure?” he asks. “I don’t want you to think I’m just trying to use you.”

“Yeah, come over,” I insist.  “And who knows, maybe I’ll use you a little, too.”

He laughs, and I realize how much I missed flirting. It always came so natural when I was with Matt. Saying cute little things to tease him or boost his ego was one of my favorite things. It was nice to do it again.

I give him my address and we end the call. I rush to the bathroom and brush my teeth. I consider changing back out of my yoga pants and tank top, but decide against it. I’m comfy and if he doesn’t like that, I guess he’ll just have to deal with it. The fact that I even considered it reminds me of how awkward all of this is. I had gotten to the point with Matt that I didn’t even worry about morning breath or bedhead. It just came natural that I knew Matt wouldn’t judge me regardless of how I looked. And it’s not as if I didn’t care about impressing Cole. Besides, he called me at ten o’clock on a Saturday to come over and hang out. He couldn’t very well expect me to be in my best get up.  

I sit on the couch and fiddle with my phone to help ease my nerves as I wait for Cole to show up. I see his headlights through the window and my heart speeds up. I wait with bated breath for the knock on the door. I force myself to remain sitting since I don’t want to seem like I was waiting at the door for him. Even if that’s exactly what I want to do.

The knock on the door resonates through the rest of the otherwise quiet apartment. I turned down the movie when he called and never turned it back up. I stand from the couch and fluff my hair once more. I had curled it for my lunch date with Connie. It, miraculously, still looks half-decent.

I open the door, and Cole stands there looking cute with his hand behind his back. He presents to me a single rose.

“I figured if I stopped off at the gas station and got you a plastic rose I would seem a little less sleazy.”

With a laugh, I reach out my hand to take the rose. “I love it. Come on in,” I offer, stepping back and allowing him inside.

He takes a look around the apartment as he slips off his shoes by the door. “Your hair looks nice,” he compliments, reaching up to play with a strand.

“Thanks,” I say, blushing. “It was the first time I’ve gone out in a while so I wanted to get all gussied up.”

“It suits you,” he adds with a smile. His eyes flicker to the TV. “I love this movie.”

“It’s a classic,” I agree. “We can watch the end of it if you’d like,” I suggest, mainly because I feel awkward just standing here, and watching the movie will give me something else to focus on.

He nods in agreement and we walk over to settle on the couch. I tuck my legs under me and reach for the remote to turn up the volume. After a few minutes, Cole tugs me to him, wrapping his arm around my shoulder. I rest my head on his shoulder and feel my nerves ease a little. I’m getting back into the movie when I feel Cole’s lips on my bare shoulder. The feeling of it sends shivers through my body. He kisses his way up to my neck and finds my pulse point. A small sigh escapes my lips and I feel his smile against my skin.

A hand gently prods at my chin, turning my head until his soft lips fall on mine. I kiss him back, and, at first, it’s slow and sweet, but it quickly builds and I turn my body so I’m facing him better while Cole pushes me back against the couch. I thread my fingers through his hair while one of his hands squeezes my thigh and the other rests against my head, helping to keep the pressure off my body.

The kiss intensifies and my breathing grows ragged, and the rest of my body responds. Kissing suddenly isn’t enough; I want all of Cole. I need all of him. I tug his shirt off before attacking his lips again. My hands run up and down his chest of their own free will.  

Cole’s hands make their way under my shirt. I gasp as his thumb plucks my nipple. I pull my lips from his.

“Let’s continue this in the bedroom,” I suggest and push on his chest slightly.

He obliges immediately and stands before grabbing my hand. I lead him back to my room. As soon as the door is shut, he slams me against it and pulls my shirt over my head. His lips move to the swell of my breast uncovered by material. I let out a moan as his tongue swirls against my sensitive skin. My hands go to his pants and start unbuttoning and unzipping them. His fingers run along the inside of my sweat pants before pushing them down. I move back to step out of my pants while Cole removes his own pants and socks.

We are both in our underwear and take in each other’s bodies. We didn’t have much time for this last time. It was so rushed that I was barely able to take him in. Now I can see that he has a small scar on his chest and a patch of hair that disappears under his boxers.

I grab his hand and pull him back to my bed. We fall onto it as another kiss starts. Cole removes my bra and brings a taught nipple into his mouth. I moan in pleasure and feel his growing manhood press into my stomach. I don’t know how much longer I can last and reach down to push off his boxers. He lifts his hips to help me.

Pulling his mouth from my breast, he speaks. “I have a condom in my jean pockets.”

“I’ll get it,” I offer. He moves to let me up from the bed. I find the condom in his back pocket and make my way back to him.

He instructs me to lie down as he opens the condom and rolls it onto himself. His attention turns back to me and he pulls my underwear down at an agonizingly slow pace.

He positions himself at my entrance and looks up at me.

“Are you sure this is okay?” he asks.

I nod my head.

The sex is slow and sensual this time. We aren’t rushed and enjoy each other.

“Okay, there are two steps. I’ll count them for you. One,” Matt prompted.

We were walking to…well, I didn’t know where we were. Matt had one hand over my eyes and the other on my arm, steadily guiding me. He’d told me he had a surprise for me. He even made me close my eyes the moment we’d left his house.

“Okay, step again,” he instructed. “Wait here for a second.”

I heard keys jangling and a door opening and wondered again what he was up to.

“One final step up,” he said. “But don’t open your eyes yet.” He led me a couple more steps inside. He removed his hand from my face and backed away from me. “Okay. Now!”

I opened my eyes and looked around. We were standing in an empty apartment. My eyes fell on Matt, and he was grinning, proud of himself.

“Where are we?” I asked.

“We are standing in our new living room.” He nearly bounced in his spot from the excitement. I couldn’t contain my giggle.

“This is ours? You got us an apartment?”

“Well, we’re going to be married with a baby. We can’t very well continue living at our parents’ houses. I thought about discussing it with you, but I wanted it to be a surprise. Do you like it?”

I felt excitement bubble up inside me and a grin grew on my face. “I love it!” I threw myself into his arms for a tight hug. “Show me the rest of it!”

He grabbed my hand and practically dragged me into the next room. “This is the kitchen,” he said. “Where you can cook those amazing meals and we can sit down and eat as a family.” He barely gave me time to take it all in before he grabbed my hand again. He swung open a door. “This is the bathroom.” We walked down to the next door. “This…this will be the baby’s room. I just have one request.”

I laughed. “Anything.”

“No pink, please. You can do purple and frills and make it as girly as you want, just please, please no pink. I don’t want our baby living in a
Pepto
bottle.”

I laughed out loud. Matt had always had an aversion to pink. You would think having two younger sisters would have cured him of that, but it hadn’t.

“Deal,” I said, taking in the small room. “Maybe a light purple instead? I think this room would look really nice in purple.”

“That works,” he agreed. “Okay, now for the best room!” He pulled me to the door across the hall. “Tada!” he presented, swinging the door open. “This is our room!” We stepped inside of it. “I was thinking we could put the bed along that wall,” he said as he started planning out the setup of the room. “And the very best part? We can make lots and lots of babies here!”

I let out a laugh. “That sounds wonderful, but how are we supposed to raise lots and lots of babies in a two bedroom apartment?”

He frowned. “Well, we can definitely work on baby number two, right?”

“Absolutely!” I agreed, pulling him to me for a kiss.

I slowly come out of my memory presented as a dream. The soft snoring and the arm around my waist register and I feel my heart soar.

“Matt!” I squeal out. 

I hear “Huh?” and my joy drops when I realize it’s Cole, not Matt. The guilt starts to build inside of me and I roll over.

“Oh, Cole, I am so sorry,” I say as his eyes flutter open.

He gives me a small, sad smile. “It’s okay,” he tells me, though I can see that it’s not.

“No, no, it’s not okay,” I say. “I just…I had a dream about when he surprised me with this apartment. It felt so real, like it had just happened.” Tears threaten to fall.

“Hey, I’m gonna start taking it personally if you keep crying every time we have sex,” Cole jokes, reaching up to wipe the tears.

I let out a soft laugh that comes out as part sob. “I really am sorry. I don’t mean to, and it’s nothing personal against you.”

“Jaden,” he says firmly, “you don’t have to keep apologizing. I get it. Really.”

I let out a sigh and cuddle up next to him. “I don’t know how you’re so amazing.”

He chuckles. “Well, what the hell am I supposed to do? Tell you you’re not supposed to be sad over losing your fiancé and father of your child?”

I laugh, too. “I mean, I guess not, but most guys wouldn’t be so wonderful about it all.”

He runs a hand through my hair. “I’m not most guys.”

I’m slowly figuring that out, I think, but don’t say so aloud. Sophie’s babbling comes through the baby monitor, breaking the moment. Cole looks over at the clock on my bedside table.

“I should get going. I told Mom I’d be there early, and I have to go home and get ready first.”

“Okay,” I say. “Thanks for last night.”

“No, thank you. And thanks for not thinking I’m some pervert or something.”

I laugh out loud. “Who said I didn’t think you were a pervert?”

“Oh, she has jokes,” he teases while rolling out of bed.

I stick my tongue out at him and follow him out of bed. It’s a little awkward since we’re both naked. Being nude in front of him in the light of the day is a little nerve-wracking. Luckily, he doesn’t make a big deal out of it and starts putting on his clothes, so I follow his lead.

“I’ll walk you to the door,” I offer as we head out of my room.

We stop in front of the door. Suddenly, a look of uneasiness crosses his face and he shifts from one foot to the other. “Can I—I mean, would it be okay if I gave you a goodbye kiss?”

I laugh. “I’d be a little offended if you didn’t.” The truth is, I probably wouldn’t think twice about it if he didn’t give me a kiss, but I was trying to lighten the mood since he seemed so unsure.

He places his hand on my waist and leans down to give me a chaste kiss on the lips. “I’ll text you later when I’m done at my mom’s.”

“Okay,” I reply. “I’ll talk to you later.”

I go back to get Sophie. Once I have her settled down on the living room floor with a bottle, I go back to my room to grab my phone. I have a new message from Mandy.

Hey, how are you holding up today?

Confusion floods me until the date above the message catches my eye. It feels like someone has kicked me in the stomach and my heart aches. Today is the one year anniversary of Matt’s death. And I spent it waking up in someone else’s arms. I honestly don’t know which upsets me more—that I didn’t realize what today was until this moment, or that I woke up to Cole instead of Matt. Even though I logically couldn’t wake up next to Matt today, it still hurts.

My head is swimming and I drop onto the bed, the phone still clutched in my hand. I call Mandy and nearly break out into hysterics when her voice answers.

“I forgot,” I say before she has a chance to say anything more than hi. “I totally didn’t realize today was…well, today. I had Cole over last night. I woke up with him in my bed—our bed—this morning. I’m awful. I’m truly the worst person who ever walked this earth. How could I have Cole stay over last night of all days?”

“Whoa, take a breath, Jade,” Mandy instructs. “What are you babbling on about? Cole stayed the night last night?”

“Yeah,” I say. “He texted and asked if I was busy.” I give her a rundown of the night’s events. “I don’t know how I didn’t realize what today was. Everything has just been so crazy I guess it slipped my mind.” Saying the words out loud makes me sick to my stomach. How do you forget one of the most significant days of your life? The tears fall before I can stop them. “What kind of person…forgets the day…that their fiancé…died? How can I even…think about…sleeping with…someone else?” I’m hyperventilating and fighting to get my words out. It feels like I just lost Matt all over again.

“Jaden, I’m on my way over,” Mandy tells me. “Just hang tight, okay? I’ll be there in five minutes.”

I nod my head and set the phone down after she hangs up. Remembering Sophie is in the living room by herself, I go in there. She’s finished her bottle and is sitting up, playing with the now empty bottle. I scoop her up and hold her tight as sobs wrack my whole body. I’m vaguely aware of Mandy showing up and taking Sophie from me. She places her in her bouncer and walks over to hug me.

“Shhh, it’s okay,” she tells me.

I’m not sure how long we have been sitting on the couch before the tears finally stop, but even then Mandy continues to hold me. Our silence is only broken when my phone vibrates next to us on the couch. She picks it up and looks at it.

“It’s Connie. Do you want to answer it?”

I nod my head and take the phone from her. “Hello?” I say, my voice scratchy.

“Oh, Jaden, sweetie, are you okay?” Connie asks. Of course she could tell I’d been crying.

“No,” I answer honestly. “Has it really been a year? I can’t decide if it feels like it just happened yesterday or forever ago.”

She lets out a sad sigh. “I know, honey. Listen, we were going to go to the cemetery here in a little while. Would you like to meet us there?” Even though Matt had been cremated and his ashes were sitting atop the fireplace at his parents’ house, Connie and Doug didn’t feel right not getting him a headstone.

“Can Mandy come?” I ask. I don’t think I can handle today without her.

“Of course,” she says. “In fact, why don’t you call your parents and see if they want to join us? Mitch and the rest of your friends, too. We’ll all go out to lunch together.”

I nod my head. “That sounds really nice,” I tell her. “Mandy and I will call everyone.”

“Okay, let’s meet there in an hour. That should give everyone time to get ready and be there, don’t you think?”

“Sounds perfect,” I agree. “See you in an hour.”

I hang up the phone and tell Mandy of the plans. I call my parents and Mitch while Mandy calls Adam and Destinee. Everyone agrees to meet in an hour. Mandy insists I hop in the shower while she watches Sophie.

Mandy and Destinee rode with me after we swung by to pick up Destinee and let Mandy change her clothes. Mitch is climbing out of his car as we pull up behind him. He stands and waits for us. As I climb out, I see Connie, Doug, and the girls up a little ways from us.

“You ready for this?” Mitch asks.

I shake my head. “No. Not even close.” He wraps his arm around me while Mandy walks around to get Sophie out of her car seat. “Where’s Sydney?”

“I invited her,” Mitch tells me, “but she said she would feel awkward since she didn’t actually know Matt. She said she wanted me to have this day with everyone else.”