Letters to Matt (20 page)

I grab my cell phone and dial Mandy’s number first.

“We ready to get our drink on?” I ask when she picks up.

“Absolutely!” she says enthusiastically. “I’m on my way over. I just gotta swing by the store first. Want me to pick up your favorite?”

She knows that my favorite is
Boone’s Farm
. I can only handle so much of the hard stuff. I like my alcohol to be fruity.

“Yes, please.”

“Okay,” she replies. “I’ll see you in a little bit.”

Next, I call Mitch. He tells me he’ll be over in a few minutes. I hang up the phone and head into the kitchen to clean up our dinner mess. After wiping down the table, I set out some shot glasses and a few plastic cups. Then, I dig through the junk drawer for a deck of cards that Matt put in there after our housewarming party. I set out a bag of chips and check to make sure I have all the essentials for grilled cheese, our go-to drunken snack.

It’s been our favorite ever since my 17
th
birthday. Mom and Dad had let me have Mitch, Matt, Mandy, and Adam over for a sleepover. They’d let us each have a glass of wine with dinner. After they’d gone to bed, we got the bottle back out. It was the first time any of us had been drunk and we had a blast. We laughed so much that Dad came down to tell us to quiet down or we would have to go to bed. We were all standing there with guilty looks on our faces, but as soon as he left the room, we shared a look and burst into a fit of giggles.

Around one a.m., Matt announced he was hungry and we all agreed. I dug out the stuff for grilled cheese and Mitch made them. Ever since then, it’s been a tradition to make grilled cheese sandwiches when we were drunk.

After checking that everything in the kitchen is ready, I grab the baby monitor from my room and plug it in in the living room. Just as I am turning off the TV, there’s a knock on the door. I walk over and open it to see Mitch standing there with a bag in his hand.

“Ooh, what’d you bring?” I ask, stepping aside so he can walk in. 

“
Jack Daniels
and a two liter of Coke.”

“Awesome! Mandy is getting
Boone’s Farm
for sure. I don’t know if she’s picking up anything else. She should be here soon, though.”

“Sounds good,” Mitch says, making his way into the kitchen. He takes in everything I have laid out. “You’ve been busy.”

I give a shrug. “I needed something to keep me busy after Sophie went to bed. And I have stuff for grilled cheese sandwiches.”

Mitch’s face lights up. “Hell yeah!” he exclaims while pulling his drinks out of the bag and setting them on the table. “I remember your 17
th
birthday. That was a fucking blast. Your dad was so pissed, though.”

“I know,” I say. “I thought I was getting grounded or something.”

“Matt felt so bad,” Mitch says. “He was worried we had gotten you in trouble.”

I smile at Matt’s thoughtfulness. “No harm done.”

Just then, the front door opens and I look over to see Mandy walking in.

“Let’s get this party started!” she says, holding up two bottles in brown paper bags.

“Woo!” I exclaim. Mitch just laughs and shakes his head at us. “Don’t judge us!” I scold him. “Make yourself useful and pour the first shots.”

“Yes, Master!” he says, before making his way over to the bottle on the table. I laugh at the way he drags one leg behind him and breathes heavily.

“Is he drunk already?” Mandy mutters to me with a laugh.

I laugh and bump my hip into hers. “C’mon, let’s get our drunk on.”

“I’m glad neither of you had trouble getting the alcohol,” I tell them. “I was prepared to call Mom or Connie as back up.”

“The cashier barely even checked my ID,” Mitch says. “But I was still sweating bullets.”

“The guy at the grocery store didn’t even ask for mine,” Mandy states, proud of herself.

“Main word in that sentence?” Mitch begins, “Guy. You have tits. Of course he wasn’t about to ask for your ID.”

“Yeah, but he has like zero chance with these tits.”

“You still have them. That’s all that matters,” Mitch insists as he fills the shot glasses.

I let out a laugh. “Okay, are we gonna talk about Mandy’s boobs all night or drink?”

“Drink!” Mandy announces proudly.

We laugh as we each take a shot glass filled with amber liquid. Mitch raises his glass in a toast.

“To boobs.”.”

“To boobs,” Mandy and I echo with a laugh before the three of us down our shots.

The burn in my throat makes me cough. “Okay, maybe it wasn’t such a good idea to start with the hard stuff.”

Mandy laughs as she pours me a glass of
Boone’s Farm
and hands it to me.

“Here ya go, you wuss.”

I glare at her slightly before taking the glass and sipping on it. I let the fruity drink soothe my burning throat. Mitch and Mandy each mix themselves a glass of Jack and Coke before we sit down at the table. The warmth of the shot is washing over me and I feel a slight buzz in my head. It’s been entirely too long since I drank and I was always a bit of a light weight.

“I got cards out,” I say. “I figured we could play something. Any suggestions?”

“Go Fish!” Mandy suggests excitedly.

Mitch and I look at each other and laugh before shrugging.

“Sure!” I say, handing the deck of cards to Mandy. “Deal ‘em out.”

“Let’s make this interesting,” Mitch suggests.

“What’s more interesting than three nineteen-year-olds drinking and playing Go Fish?” I ask with a laugh.

“Every time you get Go Fished, you have to take a drink or a shot.”

I can’t help but smile at Mitch’s genius idea. I almost laugh out loud at the ridiculousness of it. I can’t deny that it’ll be fun, though. I glance at Mandy, who seems to be into the idea. A mischievous glint glows in her eye before she smiles. 

“And who ever says Go Fish, they get to decide what the other has to take, a drink or a shot,” Mandy throws out there.

“Hell no!” I immediately shoot down the idea. “Because you two jerks will make me take shots every time. I do still have a baby here that I have to take care of if she wakes up,” I remind them.

“Okay, fine, we won’t use that rule,” Mandy says.

“Thank you,” I say as Mandy starts to deal out the cards.

Mandy goes first and ends up with a pair of Queens, thanks to Mitch. Then it’s Mitch’s turn.

“Jaden, do you have any Aces?”

“Go Fish!” I push the bottle of Jack to him, knowing he won’t back down from the challenge. He pours himself a shot. “Drink up!” I tell him.

“Ooh!” Mandy says. “That’s what we should say instead of Go Fish. Drink Up!”

“Yes!” I laugh. “That’s awesome.”

Twenty minutes later, the game has ended and I have a good buzz going thanks to sufficiently sucking at Go Fish, or Drink Up.

“Since Mandy was our winner,” Mitch begins, “I think she should have to do two shots.”

“Hey, that wasn’t part of the rules!” Mandy protests and Mitch fills up two shot glasses.

“Don’t be a sore winner,” I tease.

“Drink Up!” Mitch and I chorus as Mandy grabs the first shot glass.

“Fuck you both,” Mandy swears before downing the first shot.

A few hours later, we’re all feeling pretty good. We dealt out the cards for a game of Egyptian Rat Screw. After that, I put my phone in the middle of the table and put on some music. Mandy and I had danced a little, but mostly we just sat around talking and laughing. We are talking about the time Adam had been dared to streak down his and Mandy’s street in our junior year during one of our gatherings. The memory of Adam’s naked butt was forever engrained in my brain. I have my head rested on my arm on the table, and I’m laughing so hard I can’t breathe as I remember how close he came to being caught when a neighbor’s porch light came on just as he was running back in the door. Mandy and Mitch are laughing just as hard. It takes us a couple of minutes to catch our breath. When we do, Mitch stands from the table. He wobbles some, causing Mandy and I to snort in laughter. 

“Who’s hungry?” Mitch asks, walking over and grabbing the bread.

“Are you sure you have the coordination to cook?” Mandy teases.

“I got this shit. How many does everyone want?”

“Two,” Mandy and I say at the time. Which we find absolutely hilarious and fall into a fit of giggles.

We chat while Mitch cooks the sandwiches. When he’s done, he sets a plate of two steaming sandwiches in front of me. Being impatient, I grab the first one and take a giant bite. The burst of cheesy flavor engulfs my mouth. At this moment, I’m convinced that grilled cheese sandwiches are the food of the Gods. The three of us are silent as we devour our delicious late night meal.

“That was amazing, Mitch. Thank you,” I say as I push my empty plate away from me, feeling full.

“Yes, thank you, Mitch,” Mandy echoes.

“You’re very welcome,” Mitch says. “I think that was the best I’ve ever made them.”

I let out a laugh. “I’m a little drunk right now, so I might be wrong, but didn’t you say that the last time we had them?”

Mitch laughs. “I might have. But I really mean it this time.”

I laugh and shake my head. I glance over at the clock and realize it’s later than I thought.

“How about we play another round of Go Fish, drinking optional, and then head to bed?” I suggest. “Sophie will let me sleep in a little, but I don’t want to be a complete waste tomorrow.”

“Sounds good,” Mandy agrees.

We play another round and then head out of the kitchen. I grab extra blankets and pillows for Mitch. He’s crashing on the couch while Mandy and I sleep in my bed.

“Thank you guys for being here for me,” I say as Mitch makes up the couch. “Losing Matt is the hardest thing I’ve ever done and I know I wouldn’t have made it through without you two.”

Mitch comes over and he and Mandy engulf me in a hug.

“We would do anything for you, Jaden. Besides, Matt would personally haunt our asses if we left your side.”

I laugh. “Yeah, he probably would.”

We disengage from the hug before Mandy and I say goodnight to Mitch and head to my room. We settle into bed and I turn the baby monitor on. I can hear Sophie’s soft breathing over the machine and feel a smile form on my face. That little baby is the absolute angel of my life.

Within minutes, I hear Mandy snoring next to me. I laugh before closing my eyes and letting sleep claim me.

The sweet aroma of Mom’s chicken parmesan hits my nose as soon as I step in the door. 

“We’re here!” I call, hoisting an antsy Sophie higher up on my hip. She has a new found independence. For the past couple of weeks she’s gotten to the point that she only allows herself to be held for short periods of time before she starts squirming, wanting down.

“In the kitchen!” Mom calls back. Sophie squeals at the sound of her grandma’s voice. I give her a smile before following my nose to find Mom standing at the kitchen counter mixing up a salad. “Dad went up to take a shower after work. He should be down any minute,” she tells me as I move to stand next to her. “Hello there, my sweet girl,” she says, kissing Sophie on the forehead.

Sophie laughs before squirming in my arms. “Okay, okay. I’ll put you down,” I say to my daughter. I set Sophie on the floor before putting the diaper bag on the table. “I swear she only wants to be held when she’s tired or having a bottle. Otherwise, she wants to go go go. She even started standing on her own.”

“Won’t be long and she’ll be walking,” Mom says, grabbing dressing out of the fridge and handing me a water.

“Don’t even joke about that,” I say, opening the oven to check out the chicken. “I am so not ready for her to walk. She’s hard enough to keep up with now. Besides, she’s only nine months.” Frankly, the idea of Sophie walking scares the shit out of me. I think of all the ways she can fall and get hurt. Not to mention, her walking means my baby is growing up, and I just can’t handle that yet.

“Some babies walk that early.”

I groan. “She’s not allowed to walk yet. Wasn’t she born just yesterday? Where did the time go?”

Mom laughs. “Don’t even talk to me about time. My baby has a baby of her own.”

I laugh and sit down at the table. I would ask Mom if she needs any help, but she’ll tell me no and it looks like she’s almost done, anyway. Sophie crawls over to me and pulls herself up on my leg.

“Hi, honey,” I say, digging her favorite toy out of the bag and handing it to her. She spouts off some gibberish before plopping down on her butt and playing with the toy.

“Did you try the sippy cup last night?” Mom asks as she grabs plates out of the cabinet and sets them on the counter.

“Yeah,” I say with a smile as I remember that particular milestone. “I had to take the valve out of it. I think more juice got on her shirt than in her mouth, but she’s getting used to it. I think in a week I’ll be able to throw away the bottle all together.”

Mom nods her head, but before she can speak, Dad walks into the room. Sophie smiles upon seeing him and crawls over. When he picks her up, he gives her a kiss on the cheek before she wiggles and whines to be put back down.

I laugh at my daughter. “She just wanted to say hi to you,” I tell him.

Dad walks over and places a kiss on my forehead. “How have you been?”

“Good,” I reply. “Just busy.”

“Dinner’s ready,” Mom announces, pulling the chicken out of the oven.

She’s added silverware to the plates she set out. Dad and I walk over to the counter, piling food onto our plates. I tell them I fed Sophie at home so we could just let her play while we ate.

“How’s work been going?” Mom asks once we are all sitting down at the table.

“It’s good,” I say. “I really love my job. I know a lot of people can’t say that, but I have fun and Marty, Sandy, and Susie have become like a second family. Plus, as much as I love Sophie, it’s nice to get out of the house and have some adult interaction.”

“That was the hardest part of being a stay at home mom,” Mom admits while cutting a piece of chicken. “Most of my conversations revolved around cartoons and potty habits. There were days that I literally counted the minutes until your father was home just to have someone over four foot tall to talk to. No offense, Jaden.”

I let out a laugh, because I completely understand. “No, I totally get it. I kind of can’t wait for Sophie to start talking. I love her gibberish, but sometimes it’s like talking to a wall.”

Mom and Dad laugh at my statement. Dad starts talking about some new guy at work that he’s taken under his wing. The conversation flows nicely after that. I soak it all in, enjoying this time with my parents. I know things got dark for a while, but I truly love and appreciate my parents. Seeing what they did for me after Matt passed just deepens those feelings. I’ve always gotten along with my parents well, and I adore the fact that we can get together like this for dinner and have a good time. Mostly, I just sit and smile at
their
interaction, chiming in only when I feel it’s necessary. When Mom brings up Sophie’s birthday, I shut it down immediately.

“Nope. I still have over three months until I have to face that reality,” I insist.

Mom laughs. “Yeah, but you need to get an idea of where you want to have it. We have to work on invitations and planning so we can get the invitations out by the end of July so everyone will have plenty of time to RSVP. I was thinking we could have it here. It’ll save on renting a hall. And if you start buying stuff now, it’ll make it easier so you don’t have to get everything at once.”

“La la la, I’m not listening,” I sing, plugging my ears. “I’ve decided that Sophie isn’t allowed to turn one. She has to stay a baby forever.”

“Well, you could always shove her in a closet and stop feeding her, but I’m pretty sure that’s called child abuse,” Dad jokes.

Mom and I laugh along with him.

When dinner is over, Dad and I insist on cleaning up. Mom protests a little before giving in and going to play with Sophie. Dad and I wash the dishes in silence. It’s always been like that with us. We can sit with each other or do a mundane task without talking. It isn’t uncomfortable or awkward. In fact, I think it brought us closer, knowing that we didn’t need words to let the other know we enjoyed their company.

A couple of hours later, Mom and I are sitting on the living room floor with Sophie. Dad is on the couch watching some sitcom. Mom is holding Sophie up and watching her stand on her own.

“She’s going to do it,” Mom says excitedly. “She’s going to walk.”

I chuckle and shake my head. “I told you, Mom. I’m not ready for her to walk.”

“Well, it doesn’t matter if you’re ready.”

“Still, I don’t think she’ll be walking for another couple of weeks.”

“You hear that, Sophie? Mommy doesn’t believe you’ll do it. C’mon, baby girl, prove her wrong.” At that, Sophie plopped back down onto her butt.

“See?” I laugh. “She’s not ready.”

I turn my attention to the TV when Mom hisses my name. I look back to see Sophie standing again.

“She’s going to do it,” Mom whispers so as not to startle Sophie.

I smile and am about to turn back to the TV when Sophie’s foot moves just a little bit. Joy fills my heart and I reach out my arms.

“C’mon, Sophie, you can do it,” I prompt.

I hear Dad pause the TV and can only assume that he has turned his attention to us. Sophie takes a full step and my heart soars with happiness. I hold out my arms and cheer her on.

“C’mere, sweet girl. Come to Mommy.”

She takes two more steps before she starts to wobble. She’s directly in front of me and I scoop her up. I pull her to me in a tight hug. Tears stream down my face as I celebrate this milestone. My mind goes back to just a couple months ago when I ran away to the bathroom instead of congratulating my daughter. It makes me cry even harder. I’m so sad for missing this joy the first seven months of her life, but I’m so happy that I’ve found it.

Sophie starts to wiggle in my arms and I set her back down. I glance up to see Mom looking at me with a smile on her face. Honestly, I had kind of forgotten there were other people in the room for a moment.

I stand Sophie back up again and we cheer her on until she walks to Mom. Dad joins us on the floor. While Sophie is taking a few steps to him, I get out my phone and call Mandy.

“Hey, chick,” she says.

“Hey, guess what I’m doing?”

“Having hot sex with Cole? You know, it’s kind of weird to call me during that. Kinky, but weird.”

I laugh at my best friend. “Nope. I’m watching Sophie take her first steps.”

“What?!” Mandy screeches. “And I’m stuck at Destinee’s family thing. No offense, babe,” she says to Destinee before explaining, “Sophie is taking her first steps.” She turns her attention back to me. “I’m coming over tomorrow after work and that little girl is going to walk all over the apartment for me.”

I laugh again. “No promises, but you’re more than welcome to try.”

“Oh, I’ll bribe her with brownie bites. I know her weakness.”

I smile. “Well, I’m at my parents’ house so I’m gonna hop off here, but I had to tell you.”

Sophie is still walking back and forth between Mom and Dad. I take a quick video and send it to Connie. My phone rings within minutes.

“Will you put it on speaker phone?” she asks. I do as requested. “Hey, sweet girl, Grandma Connie is so proud of you.” Sophie giggles and mutters some gibberish when she hears Connie’s voice. “I can’t wait for you guys to come over next weekend. I bet she’ll be walking all over the place by then.”

“Well, if Mandy’s plan to bribe her with brownie bites works, she will be.”

Connie laughs. “That sounds like Mandy. Well, I’m just about to get the girls in the bath, but I had to call and say how proud I was.”

“Thanks, Connie,” I say. “I’ll see you next weekend.”

“Love you. Love you, Sophie.”

“Love you, too. Bye.”

The call ends after that. Mom, Dad, and I spend the next five minutes trying to get Sophie to walk a little more, but she’s too tired and starts getting cranky. We stay for a little bit longer until Sophie is falling asleep in my dad’s arms.

“I guess I better get her home,” I say, standing from the floor. “Thanks for dinner.”

After I grab the bag and Sophie, Mom and Dad see us to the door. We say we love each other, and Sophie and I head home.

Three months later…

“Thank goodness you two are here!” I exclaim as Destinee and Mandy walk in the door. I see their arms full of gift bags and my face drops a little. “I don’t suppose the cake is in the car?” I ask.

Mandy’s smile drops while Destinee gets a smug look on her face. “I told you we were supposed to pick up the cake!”

“I could have sworn you said you were picking it up,” Mandy says to me, ignoring Destinee.

I let out a sigh. “No, I asked you to pick it up because I wasn’t going to have time.”

“I’m sorry, Jade, I really thought you were going to pick it up.”

I give a wave of my hand. I try not to be too irritated, but it feels like one thing after another has gone wrong today. In the middle of the week, they started calling for rain over the weekend. They’d retracted that saying it would be warm and sunny, but I’m still worried. Then the guys with the bounce house said they would be a little later than expected. Now it’s the issue with the cake.  “It’s fine. I’ll go real quick. If the guy with the bounce house comes, please sign for it. Mom had to go get the balloons, and Dad isn’t off work yet.”

“I’ll go,” Cole volunteers, stepping into the living room. He’s been here for the past hour helping set up.