Letters to Matt (7 page)

“Thank you so much for this gift,” he tells me. “I know Matt is smiling down on you right now.”

“Thank you, Doug.”

Mack bounces off the small couch after Dad takes the baby back.

“Can I hug you?” she asks.             

“Absolutely,” I tell her. She climbs on the bed and pulls me into the tightest hug her little body can muster. “You and Madison are going to be the best aunts ever.”

“And you’re going to be a really good mommy.”

I stared down at the little blue line. Excitement bubbled up inside of me. It’s not that Matt and I were trying to get pregnant, and maybe it wasn’t the most ideal with us getting ready to start our last semester of high school, but shit happens and I couldn’t be happier about the little life growing in my belly.

I have to tell Matt
, I thought as I squealed. I put the cap back on the pregnancy test and dug an empty toothpaste box out of the trash. I ran to my room and grabbed some wrapping paper, wrapping the box as best I could with my shaking hands.

I resist the urge to run down the steps. I pass Mom in the living room.

“Whoa, where’s the fire?”

“Sorry. I have to go over to Matt’s. I…forgot something over there the other day and I really need it.” I almost laugh at the irony. It couldn’t be further from the truth. In fact, he kind of actually left something with me.

“Okay, well, be careful and don’t stay out too late. It’s supposed to start snowing in a few hours.”

“Will do. Love you!”

“Love you, too.”

My entire body was buzzing as I drove the familiar route to Matt’s house. I could probably drive it in my sleep. I parked in front of the house and ran up to the door. I walked in to see Connie and Doug sitting at the table.

“Hey, Jaden. Matt didn’t tell us you were coming over,” Connie said.

“He doesn’t know. I had to surprise him with something.” I smiled as I thought of the small box in my purse.

“Oh, okay. Well, I think he’s up in his room.”

I nodded and headed in that direction. I stopped just outside his door and set my purse down. I grabbed the small box out and knocked lightly on the door before opening it. Matt was lying on his bed reading some car magazine. He glanced up as I walked in.

His look of confusion quickly changed into happiness as he saw me.

“Hey, baby,” he greeted me, standing from the bed.

“Hi,” I said, nearly bouncing where I stood.

He cocked his head to the side, amused. “Are you okay?”

“I am absolutely perfect,” I assured him. “I got you a present,” I told him, shutting the door behind me.

He raised his eyebrows. “A present? Christmas isn’t for another two weeks.”

“I know. But this one really couldn’t wait.”

“Okay,” he said, his curiosity reaching its peak. “Gimme, gimme.”

I brandished the wrapped box from behind my back like I was handing him the secrets to all the happiness in the world. And honestly, that’s kind of what it felt like. I knew Matt would be thrilled. We had talked about having kids, and I knew he wanted them as much as I did. We’d spent countless hours daydreaming about what our kids would be like.

He took it from me, his excitement showing. He ripped the paper off the box and raised his eyebrows again.

“Toothpaste?” he asked. “Are you trying to tell me my breath stinks?”

“Open the box!” I could barely stand it. It felt like my heart was going to burst right through my chest.

He tipped the box and the pregnancy test slid out onto his hand. He stared at it for a few moments. I could see the wheels turning in his head. He held it carefully almost as if it might disappear if he squeezed too hard. The toothpaste box fell to the floor.

“Is this yours?”

I snorted. “Well, it’s not Evelyn Smith’s.”

He blanched and I giggled again.

He looked at the test and back at me again. “You’re pregnant? This isn’t some prank?” he asked, looking all around the test for some indication that it was faked.

I walked over to him slowly, placing my hands on his shoulder. My boyfriend was adorable when he was in shock.

“Matt, this is not some prank. The test is real. I’m pregnant. We’re going to have a baby!”

He dropped the test and threw his arms around me, lifting me up.

“We’re having a baby!” he said, fighting to keep his voice quiet so no one would hear. “This is fucking amazing. You are awesome. God, you’re so fucking beautiful.”

He smashed his lips to mine in a desperate kiss. I dug my fingers through his hair as he laid me gently down on the bed.

“Have you told your parents?” he asked.

I shook my head. “I hadn’t really thought of anything but telling you,” I admitted. “I guess we could sit them all down together.”

He nodded. “We’ll worry about it later. I just want to enjoy the news with you for now.” I smiled as he kissed my forehead. “You’re going to be a great mommy.”

The room is busy with people for a couple of hours. Most of our friends stop by to congratulate me and coo over the new baby. Everyone is happy to meet the new addition, but I hear agitation in Mitch’s voice when he mentions something I’ve dreaded since I made the decision.

“She didn’t give Sophie Matt’s last name?” he asks in a hushed whisper to Mandy. The hurt in his voice is evident and I don’t blame him.

Mandy just shrugs, but it’s Connie that speaks. “She wanted to,” she defends. “Trust me, she fought us tooth and nail on it, but we convinced her it would be less confusing and easier on both of them if they shared a last name. It doesn’t make her any less Matt’s daughter, or any less our grandchild. A name is just that.”

I feel myself smile at Connie’s words. Mitch looks sheepish and bows his head, ashamed at being scolded. He glances up at me and I see the apology in his eyes. I nod my head to let him know it’s okay. The tension releases from the room and everyone goes back to fawning over Sophie.

My sister calls to tell me how excited she is to meet Sophie. She’s sad that she can’t make it down until the weekend. Mandy can tell I’m starting to get tired and ushers everyone out of the room.

I’m fighting to keep my eyes open as I thank Mandy. The nurses tell me that they’re going to give the baby a bath while I take a nap. I’m so exhausted. This day has taken so much out of me. I’m barely aware of the door clicking shut behind Mandy as I drift off into a dreamless sleep.

They keep me in the hospital for another day. They help me get in the swing of feeding and changing Sophie. Every single second I get to spend with the little girl is a blessing. It amazes me how much I can love a little six pound baby that wasn’t here just a few days ago. I know I have to share her and others want to hold her, but I feel like I’m always holding my breath until she’s in my arms again. I can only truly breathe when her skin is touching mine.

I’m brushing her cheek, watching as she sleeps peacefully when I hear the door open. It’s Mom returning from lunch.

“The nurse told me they’re ready to let you go home. You ready?”

“Yup,” I say, moving gently off the bed so as not to wake my snoozing daughter. Mom offers to take her with a reach of her arms, but I shake my head. I carefully set her down in her carrier and buckle her in, making sure she’s secure.

Mom stares down at her. “She’s so precious.”

“Yeah. She is,” I agree. “She has Matt’s nose.”

Mom smiles at me. I lean down to pick her up, but Dad stops me. He came in the room while I was securing Sophie. “Let me. You shouldn’t be lifting anything yet.”

“Thanks,” I tell him.

Mom and I grab the various flowers and stuffed animals and cards I’d received. Dad grabs our bags, and the four of us make our way out of the hospital. I am going home with Mom and Dad for a little while so they can help me with the baby.

The days turn into a week and then two. I’m still at Mom’s, but am getting antsy to go home with Sophie. Honestly, I am just antsy in general. That love and attachment I felt for Sophie when she was first born is starting to fade.

I still love her and I still do what it takes to care for her, but I don’t feel that connection new moms are always talking about. I want out of the house so that Mom and Dad won’t start to notice that I don’t love my daughter like I should.

Mom protests, of course, but I assure her that I can handle it and that I’ll call her if I need to. “Besides,” I argue, “Mandy will practically live with me.” She’s already become a permanent fixture at the house. She dotes on Sophie. She coos at her and holds her while she sleeps. She does all those things that I’ve had little desire to do since we left the hospital.

Mom finally agrees and helps me pack Sophie up in the car. The ride to the apartment is quiet except for the baby fussing in the backseat. When we reach the apartment, Mom tries to go in with me, but I refuse. She pulls me in for a hug and cries a little. Then she bends down and kisses Sophie on her forehead as I hold the carrier.

“I love you both,” she tells us.

“Love you, Mom,” I reply as I make my way to the door Saying the words to Sophie that first day had made them easier to say to everyone else who deserved to hear it. I unlock my apartment that has been abandoned for so long. It’s the same apartment that Matt and I lived in for a few short months before he passed away.

The landlord knows I’ve barely been here, but I’ve been paying the rent so he doesn’t complain. By the time we make it in, Sophie is on the verge of a full blown fit. I take her from her car seat and sit on the couch with her.

“It’s just us now, Sophie. We’re all we’ve got.”

She won’t stop crying and it makes me cry. I cry for the apartment that feels so empty. I cry for the lack of love I feel for my daughter. I cry for my daughter that has lost her father and is now stuck with a poor excuse for a mother.

The months fly by. As promised, Mandy spends every free moment she can at the apartment, helping me with Sophie. She’s been a life saver, truly. Babies need affection and what I lacked in giving Sophie, Mandy more than made up for. Mom and Dad came over a lot, too. As did Connie and Doug and the girls, and my various friends. I was hardly ever alone with Sophie, except at night.

She is seven months now and I still feel detached. I read that some women took a little while longer to bond with their babies, and I was hoping that had been the case, but, sadly, it wasn’t. I can still barely bring myself to feel much for her. I don’t neglect her. I still make sure she always has everything she needs, and I make sure she is taken care of, but I don’t snuggle with her. I don’t play with her. I don’t just watch her crawl on the floor playing.

Each new accomplishment is a stab in my heart, knowing that I get to be there for it and Mat doesn’t.

If anyone notices my lack of emotions, they don’t say anything.

Adam and Mandy are over. The three of us sit on the couch, talking, while Sophie is sitting on the floor, playing.

“Holy shit, look!” Adam says suddenly. “Look, guys!”

Mandy and I glance over to see Sophie standing up, leaning against an overturned clothes basket.

“Ahh!” Mandy squeals. “Go, Sophie! Oh, where’s my phone? I have to get a picture!”

I sit watching my daughter’s new trick and the tears threaten to fall. I can’t stay in here. It is just one other thing that Matt is missing. I walk to the bathroom and sit down on the toilet. My head falls into my hands and I cry. I miss him so fucking much. It still feels like I lost him just yesterday.

I expect to hear him scooping Sophie up, telling her how proud daddy is of his big girl. I think about how I should be scooping her up and telling her how proud I am, but instead, I want to sit in the bathroom alone and wallow in my own self-pity. I’m pathetic.

There’s a knock on the door.

“Jaden, open the damn door.” It’s Mandy, and she’s fucking pissed.

It’s unlocked and I see the knob turn. Mandy walks in and closes the door behind her.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?” This only makes me cry harder. “Fine, you don’t want to talk, but you’re going to listen,” she tells me. She kneels down in front of me. I know she wants to be sympathetic, but I also know she doesn’t beat around the bush. “I don’t know what is up with you. I know you miss Matt. And I knew you never felt close with Sophie after you guys got home from the hospital. I pushed it off. I knew you were grieving, so I didn’t push you, but Sophie is seven months old. Matt’s been gone for almost a year. It’s time to stop the pity party.”

“Fuck you,” I say. I’m kind of hoping that I’ll piss her off enough that she’ll leave me alone, but I know better. This is serious and Mandy knows I need her. “You don’t understand anything. You didn’t lose someone you loved. I mean, I know you loved Matt, but it’s not the same. And you weren’t stuck raising a baby on your own.”

“I get it, Jade,” she tells me, her voice softening. “I really do. I can’t fathom how hard it is for you, but it’s time to move on, okay? Nothing can change what’s happened. The truth of the matter is Matt died and you do have to raise your daughter. She already lost her dad, don’t make her grow up without a mom, okay? You are so fucking lucky to have that beautiful girl out there. You need to realize that. You can’t bring back her dad, but you can be the mom she deserves.”

I wipe my eyes. “It’s so fucking hard, though. I don’t know how to stop missing him. I don’t know how to make myself appreciate Sophie.”

“Well, if you fix one, you fix the other. Maybe you could try going to back to counseling?” she suggests.

I had tried seeing a therapist when Sophie was three months old. It didn’t help, mainly because I couldn’t be honest with her. I talked about Matt, but I couldn’t bring myself to admit out loud that I felt nothing more than a general concern for my own daughter. I couldn’t stand having someone looking at me like I was a monster, because that’s exactly how I feel. My own self-deprecation is enough, thank you.

“It won’t help,” I insist, shaking my head.

“There has to be something you can do.”

“The only thing that would help is Matt being here,” I say. “Talking to him about Sophie and how much I love and miss him.”

“So do that,” Mandy suggests. I raise my eyebrows at her. “He used to write you those sappy love letters, right?” I nod my head. “Well, maybe you can write him letters. Tell him all the things you would if he were here. It’ll be kind of like coming full circle. He wrote letters to you, so you write letters to him. It’ll be all symbolic and shit.”

I laugh, despite myself, but I’m considering it. It sounds like a great idea. I can’t talk to Matt in person, so this is the next best thing. “I’ll give it a shot,” I tell her.

She smiles at me. Standing up, she claps her hands. “Now, get that skinny ass out there and be the awesome mom I know you can be!”

I give her a small smile and walk from the bathroom. I make my way into the living room. Sophie is sitting on the floor playing with blocks. I walk over and pick her up.

“Mommy’s so proud of you, baby girl,” I say, surprising myself when I find that I really mean the words.

I walked to my locker after school. I usually stood talking to Matt after class, but I’d needed to talk to the teacher about something, so I’d told him I would see him the next day. The meeting was pretty helpful. I felt confident that I understood the material after talking to Señor Hernandez. Foreign languages were not my strong point, but I felt like I would pass the class after all.

I opened my locker and noticed a piece of paper fall to the ground. I glanced at it in confusion. Glancing around the hallway, I looked to see if anyone was watching me, trying to catch the culprit. I bent down and picked up the note.

A smile graced my lips as I noticed the untidy handwriting. Matt and I had been sitting next to each other in Spanish for a month and we talked every day at school. He usually sat with Mitch and his friends at lunch, but some days he would sit with me. We flirted shamelessly. I had a slight crush on him, but was afraid to say anything in case it really was just harmless flirting on his end. As I scanned the first couple lines of the letter, I realized that wasn’t the case.

Jaden,

I wasn’t sure how to say this in person without sounding like a total spaz, so I decided to put it down on paper. I hope this isn’t creepy. Anyway, here it goes. I think you’re awesome. I love sitting next to you in Spanish, and I love talking to you. You are so funny and smart. You have the prettiest green eyes I have ever seen in my life. I can’t stop thinking about you. I think my mom is getting tired of hearing me talk about you. God, that sounded lame.

Anyway, here comes the really cheesy part. If you’ll notice down at the bottom, there are two boxes. Please check one to answer the next question: Will you be my girlfriend?

I smiled so big it felt like my face might crack in two. It was the sweetest thing I had ever seen. I read over it a couple of times to make sure I hadn’t misunderstood. Nope. He was pretty clear. Matt wanted me to be his girlfriend. Just then, I felt movement next to me.

I glanced over to see Mandy standing there. “Mandy, give me a pen!”

She raised her eyebrows at me. “What do you have there?” She snatched it out of my hand. Her eyes scanned the page and she grinned. “Aww, what a cheeseball.” I rolled my eyes at her as she handed me back the letter. “So, what are you going to put?” she asked, holding out a pen.

“What do you think I’m going to put?” I retorted, before putting a huge X in the ‘Yes’ spot. I folded the note back up and put it in my backpack so I wouldn’t forget it for the next day.

“Well, it’s about freaking time,” she said. “You two have been making gaga eyes at each other for the past month.”

I rolled my eyes. “C’mon, we’re going to miss the bus.”

She linked my arm in hers and we walked out the door together.

Later that night, I was sitting at my desk doing homework. My phone buzzed and I picked it up. It was a text from Mandy.

The Fields flooded!

I scrunched my forehead in confusion. Why would I care that The Fields flooded? I mean, it had been raining pretty hard lately, so this wasn’t exactly shocking news.

Okay?
I typed back.

It took less than a minute for the phone to go off again.

Okay, so you know the upperclassmen always hang out there when it floods.
This also wasn’t exactly groundbreaking. I’m sure I’d heard Mel talking about going. She was pissed, because Mom told her she had to clean the kitchen first.

“Oh, for crying out loud!” I sighed. It was going to take forever to get through this game of Twenty Questions. I picked up the phone and dialed Mandy’s number. She picked up on the first ring.

“What are you babbling on about?” I asked before she had a chance to speak.

“There’s a party there tonight.”

“So?”

“Sooo…Matt’s going.”

God, talking to Mandy was like playing a verbal game of Charades sometimes. “Why is Matt going? And how would you know?” Freshmen like us usually didn’t go, mainly because we couldn’t drive ourselves.

“Because Matt has P.E. with Scott Winchester and they’ve become friends. So Scott said he would take Matt.”

“Okay, and how do you know this?”

“Because Scott’s little sister is Rachel Winchester, and Rachel is best friends with Courtney Williams. And Courtney Williams often studies for math class with Adam. So, Rachel overheard Scott talking to Matt on the phone, so she called Courtney and told Courtney to call Adam and tell him to tell me to tell you that Matt is going to be at the party that I would bet my left leg your sister is going to go, too.”

“And why would Rachel tell Courtney to tell Adam to tell you to tell me that Matt is going to the same party as my sister?” God, it sounded even more ridiculous saying it out loud.

“Because Rachel is forever playing matchmaker and, as I noted earlier, you and Matt have chronic gaga eyes for each other.”

I had always liked Rachel. She was a hopeless romantic and, despite her sticking her nose in other people’s business, she was nice enough. Right then, though, I freaking loved Rachel Winchester and her figuratively big nose. I was so going to that party.

“You have to go with me!” I insisted.

“Oh, dear, I’m way ahead of you. That cute girl Adam has a crush on, Sally, is already on her way over here. Tell your sister to pick us up in fifteen minutes.”

I glanced down at my clothes. My t-shirt and jeans from today would have to do. I didn’t have time to change. I applied some eyeliner and a little bit of lip gloss. It would have to work. I grabbed the note from my backpack and shoved in my back pocket.

Next was convincing Mel. Lucky for me, I had some arsenal in my game plan. I knocked on her door and walked in.

“I want to go with you to The Fields,” I spat out.

She laughed, just like I knew she would. “And why would I take you?”

I decided to start off nice, try to appeal to her. “Because this guy in my class is going to be there. He’s really cute and he asked me to be his girlfriend. I want to go so I can tell him yes.”