Letters to Matt (2 page)

Matt merely smiled at me. “Lady!” he hollered.

My eyebrows raised in confusion. “You gave my ring to the dog?”

His response was another smile. “You’ll see.”

I glanced up to see a full grown pit bull trotting into the living room. She had one of the girls’ play wedding veils on her head. I laughed out loud at the sight. Behind her trailed Matt’s sisters. Mackenzie, everyone called her Mack, was ten, and Madison was five. Madison was in a white summer dress, holding a bouquet of paper flowers, and Mack wore a suit she’d insisted their mom buy her for dress up day at school and had her arms outstretched with a pillow atop her hands.

I felt my chest swell with happiness as they came to a stop next to Lady in front of the couch. With them right in front of us, I could see a small diamond ring on the pillow. Even with the distance, I could tell it was absolutely perfect.

Mack bounced in her spot and was giggling.

Madison shushed her. “This is serious, Mackenzie!” she scolded. I had to laugh. Madison was such a serious little girl. She refused to call Mack by her nickname, and everything always had to be perfect and proper.

Even funnier, Mack usually listened to Madison. She tried her best to compose herself.

“Hi, Jaden,” Mack said, which earned her a glare from Madison.

I bit back my laugh as I returned the greeting.

“The girls have something they want to say to you,” Matt prompted.

The room grew suddenly serious as Madison began speaking.

“My brother loves you very much,” she said.

“When he met you in 9
th
grade, he had the biggest crush on you. You were the prettiest girl he’d ever seen.”

I felt the tears well up in my eyes. Stupid hormones.

“Shh, don’t cry yet. We aren’t to the good part,” Matt whispered in my ear. I couldn’t stop the half laugh, half sob that emitted from my lips. 

“And he fell in love with you,” Madison continued where Mack left off.

“Will you be our new sister?” they asked at the same time.

Tears silently fell down my face. Before I could speak, Matt reached over and grabbed the ring. He slid off the couch and got on one knee before me and grabbed my hand.

“You and this baby mean the absolute world to me. Will you marry me, Jaden Rhea Prewitt?”

“Yes,” I choked out around my sob. He slid the ring on my finger. “Oh my God, yes!”

I slid down off the couch in front of Matt and wrapped my arms around his neck and pulled his mouth to mine. I heard the girls giggling beside us as we got lost in the kiss.

A knock on the door pulls me from my thoughts and I’m back in the hospital bathroom, staring at my shaking hand.

“Jaden, are you okay in there?” It came from a voice that I’d recognize anywhere.

I walk over to the door and pull it open to see my best friend, Mandy. Mandy is taller than me. She has fiery red hair that she’s pulled back into a ponytail. To her credit, she doesn’t look like she’s been crying or like she’s tired. She looks composed. She looks like Mandy.

“Matt’s dead.” My voice sounds deadpan.

“I know, sweetie. Are you okay?”

“I don’t know,” I answer honestly.

She gives a small nod. “Let’s get you back to bed. They’ll give you some wonderful drugs and hopefully you can get some sleep.”

This was Mandy. Always cracking jokes and trying to make light of the situation, even when it was horrific. I love her for it. I let her take my hand and lead me back to the bed. I draw in a deep breath when I see there are more people standing by my bed. As we continue making our way, I take the time to study them all.

My eyes fall on Mitch first. I don’t see any tears in his eyes, but he looks lost without his best friend beside him cracking up and making jokes. Next, I see Mandy’s twin, Adam. He has his arms around his girlfriend while Nadine cries quietly into his chest. Mandy joins my three friends and interlocks her hand with a fourth, Destinee, Mandy’s girlfriend. Matt’s parents, Connie and Doug, stand talking with my own. Rather, they’re talking to Mom while Dad stands there silently. My heart breaks as I force my eyes to the two little girls standing quietly in front of our parents. They have tears in their eyes and look confused at the whole situation, but they light up at the sight of me.

I have been a part of their family since they first moved here when Madison was just a toddler. I’m like the big sister they never had, and they’re like my young siblings. Some days I felt closer to them than my own sister.

All eyes are on me as I approach and they’re filled with sympathy and sadness. I can’t find the words to say anything to them so I simply nod a quick hello before kneeling in front of Mack and Madison.

“Hey,” I say to both of them, taking in their small, sad faces. They are both so young and shouldn’t be dealing with this heartbreak. I see Matt in their faces. Mack has his lopsided grin while both Madison and Matt got their blue eyes from their mom.

Madison is the first to speak. “Mommy says that Matt is in Heaven with Grandpa George.”

I give a nod because there’s a lump in my throat.

“I don’t want Matt to be in Heaven!” Mack is angry.

“He’s supposed to marry you and you’re going to have a baby,” Madison says, tears streaming down her face as her small body collapses against me and she starts sobbing. I rub her back and catch Connie’s eye.

“I’m sorry,” she mouths.

I shake my head to indicate that it’s fine. I outstretch my other arm to prompt Mack into it. She hesitates for a second before walking to me and crumpling to the floor. I feel my heart break into a million pieces, but I can’t cry. These girls need me to be strong right now. We all stay on the floor for a few minutes. By the time the girls pull away from me, my knees are screaming from being on the linoleum tile.

I stand up and ruffle Mack’s hair. Once I’m upright and stable, Connie immediately pulls me into a hug.

“We’re so glad you’re okay,” she sobs. “I couldn’t imagine…” I know what she means to say. She couldn’t imagine losing both of us, all three of us. She lets herself cry for only a moment before composing herself. “Are you feeling okay?”

“My head hurts.” It doesn’t sound like the words come from my mouth. None of this feels real. It’s like I’m watching the scene from above instead of taking part in it.

“Let’s get you back in bed,” Mom prompts as I feel her hand on my back.

I nod and climb into bed. The nurse, Kayla, comes over and starts reapplying the IV and other wires. To her credit, she doesn’t chastise me for ripping everything off and running away.

“This will help the headache,” she tells me as she gives me some medicine from a syringe. “It’ll probably put you back to sleep, too.”

“Thank you.”

My friends walk up one at a time and tell me they’re sorry. I almost want to laugh. What do they have to be sorry for? They aren’t the reason Matt was in that car. They didn’t want chocolate ice cream with rainbow sprinkles. If anyone should be sorry, it’s me.

I’m the reason he was in the car. I’m the reason he was on the road. I’m the reason we were at that stop sign, I think as the memory starts rushing back to me. We were at a stop sign and Matt was talking to me about his day at work. He took his foot off the brake and started rolling forward. Neither of us noticed the SUV until it was too late, until it was inevitable that it would slam into us.

No. No one else should be sorry, because it’s my fault Matt’s dead.

They keep me in the hospital for a couple of days to keep an eye on me and the baby. Kayla and the doctors say they expect me to make a full recovery. Mom tells me how lucky I am—how lucky we are—that I sustained minimal injuries. I don’t know if I would call losing Matt “minimal”, but I understand what she means. It could have been a lot worse, injury wise. However, I don’t know that anything is worse than losing the love of my life. Matt and I have been…
had
been together since he moved here in 9
th
grade. It was damn near love at first sight.

“Have you seen the new guy?” Mandy asked, stealing fries from my plate. “He’s gorgeous. You know, if you’re into that kind of gross thing.”

I laughed out loud. I’d heard about this new kid and only held mild interest, but now that Mandy had given her seal of approval reserved for only a select few guys, I was excited to see him.

I started running my fingers through my hair, glad I had straightened it that morning instead of throwing it up like I’d been tempted to do.

“How do I look?” I asked.

“Jade, we had this conversation already. I’m not interested in you like that. Gosh, I’m a lesbian; not some sexual deviant.”

I glared at Mandy.

She let out a laugh at my expense. “You look fine.” I raised my eyebrows at her noncommittal comment. She noticed my small glare and rolled her eyes. “You look fantastic!” she added with sarcastic enthusiasm. “New Kid is going to fall all over himself to get to know you.”

It was my turn to roll my eyes. Sometimes Mandy was too much of a smart ass for her own good. Before I could say anything, there was a noise beside me. I glanced over to see Adam, Mandy’s twin brother, sitting down. It was obvious that they were identical twins. Honestly, if Mandy cut her hair short and chopped off her boobs, it would be impossible to tell them apart.

“Hey, bro,” Mandy said as she pulled her long red hair from her ponytail to reapply it.

“Do you really have to do that at the lunch table?” he scolded. She merely shrugged, but he’d already redirected his attention to me. “Hey, Jaden.”

“Hello, Adam. How was your weekend?”

He gave a shrug. “It was fine. I’m still grounded for sneaking out last month.”

“Dude, I told you Mom and Dad would find out.”

“They wouldn’t have if you didn’t narc me out.”

“I didn’t narc you out!” Mandy argued. “It’s not my fault you suck at sneaking out.”

“Whatever,” he grumbled, stabbing his chicken patty with his fork.

Mandy and Adam were always fighting. I don’t even know why they sat at lunch together; all they did was bicker. But they were each other’s best friends. Mandy had me, and Adam had us. The three of us had been friends since we were kids. I often played referee between the two siblings.

Excited whispering at the next table, full of the popular girls, caught my attention.

“Go talk to him, Evelyn,” one of the girls said, openly staring by the entrance to the cafeteria.

I followed her gaze. God, Mandy had been right. The new guy was extremely easy on the eyes. He was tall and lanky, wearing an
AC/DC
shirt and loose fitting jeans. His brown hair fell past his eyes. He looked nervous, but who wouldn’t be on their first day at a new school? It was adorable.

“Why don’t
you
talk to him, Amanda?”

“Because I didn’t spend all of math class staring at the back of his head,” Amanda retorted.

“Go on, Evelyn. I doubt he bites,” another girl prompted.

“Not that she would mind,” Amanda said, throwing the girls into a fit of giggles.

Evelyn huffed. “Fine. I’ll go.”

I watched as she stood from the table. She smoothed out her too tight shirt and ran her fingers through her platinum blonde hair. I knew she had protested, but Evelyn Smith couldn’t pass up the chance to flirt with any guy. I suspected it was a game for her.

I resisted rolling my eyes as she sauntered across the room to where New Kid stood, looking for a place to sit.

“Hey. It’s Mark, right?”

“Matt,” he corrected.

I snorted.

“Oh, my bad.” She giggled. I nearly gagged. Did guys really fall for that ditzy girl act? She raised her hand to his bicep. He didn’t look amused, so apparently not all of them did. “Well, if you’re looking for a place to sit, there’s room with me and my friends.” She indicated the table next to mine, where the girls all waved at him.

His eyes fell on mine for a brief second before he looked backed at Evelyn.

“Thanks, but I see a guy I talked to in Science. I think I’ll just sit there.”

“Oh.” Evelyn’s face fell.

Ha. Take that!
I thought to myself, enjoying her rejection entirely too much. I didn’t like Evelyn and her crew. They thought that just because they were pretty and their daddies were rich, it gave them free reign to be mean to everyone. They really weren’t even that nice to each other. I don’t know how they could stand to be friends with each other. I mean, I know Mandy and Adam fought all the time, but they were brother and sister; it was kind of expected.

Evelyn recovered quickly. “Well, the offer stands if you change your mind.”

“Thanks,” he said dryly.

She turned to head back to her table. I noticed he was looking at where her friends sat. Wait, no. Not at them. He was looking at me. And I was still staring at him after watching the encounter. I felt my face flush and ducked my head. I looked back up to see him smiling at me before he started walking again to sit with his new found friend.

“Dude, he was totally checking you out!”

“Shhhh,” I scolded my best friend. “God, Mand, a little volume control.”

She nearly laughed. “Well, he was! I told you. He’s cute, right?”

I shrugged, trying to seem nonchalant. “He’s okay.”

She snorted. “Yeah. Okay.”

Mom has barely left my side the whole time I’ve been in the hospital. Dad wanted to stay home from work, but Mom insisted that we were fine. Connie has texted me every day, but she couldn’t make it in. She’s been busy planning her son’s funeral.

Mandy came in to see me a couple of times. She tried to keep it light, cracking jokes and telling me that she bought some new stuff for the baby. She was super excited for me. Sometimes I felt like she was going to love this baby more than I did. She wanted kids so bad, but she knew that it would be more of a challenge for her. I was more than happy to let her borrow mine from time to time.

Mom is sitting with me as I try to make myself eat. I’m not hungry. I’m not feeling much of anything these days besides emptiness. I don’t know how I am supposed to want to live in a world without Matt, but I know I can’t completely let myself waste away for the sake of my baby. Our baby. She is the only thing driving me these days.

I set down my spoon to put my hand on my belly. “I swear, Sophie’s doing somersaults in there.”

“Sophie?” Mom repeats, looking up from her magazine.

I feel my face warm. “Yeah. Matt and I couldn’t decide on a name. I wanted Neveah Lynn, but Matt wanted Sophie Rhea. So, I’m going with Matt’s name.”

Mom smiles at me sadly. She reaches her hand under my tray of food and rubs my belly. “Well, Grandma can’t wait to meet you, Sophie Rhea.”

“Mom,” I began, looking over at her.

“Yeah, sweetie?”

“How am I supposed to do this without him?” I’ve done my best the past couple of days to avoid talking like Matt is no longer with us. It hurts too much to even say it out loud.

Mom lets out a small, sad sigh. “You’ll figure it out. And you have a lot of people here to help you. You aren’t in this alone.”

“It’s not the same,” I tell her, shaking my head.

She puts her hand on my shoulder. “I know.” We sit there in silence for a few more seconds before she speaks. “Why don’t you try to finish eating?”

I push the tray back. “I’ve lost my appetite.”

I know Mom wants to protest, but she keeps her mouth shut. Luckily, Kayla walks up. I love Kayla. She’s amazing. She’s so nice and she’s done her best to make me feel comfortable. And she doesn’t look at me like some poor victim. I am so fucking tired of everyone giving me those sad eyes. It’s bad enough that I lost Matt without being reminded of it every time someone looks at me.

“Are you ready to go home today?” she asks cheerfully.

“As much as I love it here, yeah, I think I am,” I say at an attempt to make a joke. It feels good. And then it feels terrible. How dare I try to make jokes when Matt’s lying dead on some table in the morgue?

Kayla immediately notices my face drop. She hurries to distract me. “Well, we need you to sign some paperwork and then Mom can take you home. Sound good?”

I’ve dropped my gaze to my nearly full tray of food, so I just nod, terrified of what horrible things might come out of my mouth if I open it again.

I barely read any of the paperwork she brings over for me to sign. Kayla reminds me and Mom to check my bandage daily. She makes me get wheeled out in a wheelchair, as part of hospital protocol.

“Call us if you need anything,” Kayla tells us at the door. “And I’m sure you don’t want to hear this, but I’m truly sorry for your loss.”

I nod, because I know she means it. “Thank you.”

Mom helps me into the passenger’s seat. Honestly, I’m terrified to be in a car again after last time, but I knew it was inevitable and I know that we can’t walk home. I was going to have to do it sooner or later. Luckily, I’m a rip-the-Band-Aid-off kinda girl. I realize that I don’t know where I’m headed. Mom and I haven’t discussed it yet.

“Mom?” I ask.

“Yeah, sweetie?”

“Can I go home with you? I don’t think I can go back to that apartment yet.”

“Of course,” she tells me. “To be honest, I’m glad you asked. I wasn’t trying to hover, but I was leery about letting you go home alone.”

I give a nod. “Thank you.”

“I’ll just drop you off and then I’ll head over to your apartment to pick up some clothes for you.” The car ride is silent as Mom drives, making sure she’s extra careful so as not to scare me. She would never admit it, but I think Mom is as nervous as I am. As we sit in silence, I let my mind wander. Something has been nagging at me for a few days, so I decide to ask.