Letters to Matt (5 page)

Mom thinks about it for a few more seconds. “Okay. And if you need anything, you can call me.”

I give her a small smile. “Thanks, Mom.”

She sets two pancakes on a plate before me and kisses my forehead.

“I love you, Jaden.”

The words are right on the tip of my tongue, but I can’t bring myself to let them fall out of my mouth. The last person I said that to was Matt. I’ve never been one to throw the phrase around lightly, and the thought of saying it again to someone knowing I can never say the words to Matt again hurts too much.

I busy myself with dressing my pancakes with the butter and syrup Mom set out for me. She makes herself a pancake and a cup of coffee and sits to join me.

A comfortable silence accompanies our breakfast. When I’m done, I thank my mom once again for breakfast. I head up to take a shower. It is my first one in three days and it’s not until I’m under the hot water that I realize how grimy I feel. I scrub every part of my body. I even shave my legs. It’s an awkward process with my growing belly. Half an hour later, I emerge from the shower feeling more alive than I have in a week.

I wrap myself in a big fluffy towel and study myself in the mirror. I wipe away the steam to get a better look. My brown hair hangs wet and sticks to my back, past my shoulder blades. My green eyes don’t hold that dead look in them anymore. I look more like Jaden, pre-loss of Matt. Guilt nags at me for thinking that I can ever return to normal without him, but I know it’s necessary.

I can’t be selfish. I have our child to think about. And I have our friends and family that he left behind. We are all still here, and I can’t disappear into nothing just because I lost Matt.

I place my hand on my stomach and feel Sophie moving around. I know it’s going to be hard raising her alone, but I’m lucky that I will always have a piece of Matt with me.

A single tear falls down my face, and I welcome it. I feel grateful that I’m still here, able to continue my life, and even feel sadness for Matt. Because it means I’m alive. And I have a purpose. To take care of this baby that Matt and I created with our love.

I go to my room to get dressed. I put on the one pair of maternity jeans that I own and a t-shirt that still fits me. I pick up my phone from the floor where it fell the night before. My hands shake as I dial Mandy’s number. I’m nervous that she’ll be mad at me for ignoring her.

She picks up on the second ring.

“Hey, Jaden!” She sounds happy to hear from me, and I suddenly feel foolish for thinking she would be mad. “How are you feeling?”

“I feel a lot better today,” I tell her. “I was actually wondering if you wanted to come over and hang out.”

“Absolutely,” she says, sounding excited. “Give me just a little bit. Destinee is over, but she’ll understand. I’ll be there in half an hour.”

“Sounds good,” I tell her. “See ya then.”

“Bye.” I let her hang up first so I don’t seem like I’m being rude.

I go downstairs to find Mom sitting in the living room, folding laundry.

“Mandy is on her way over,” I say as I sit down.

“Did you ask her about taking you to Connie’s?”

I shake my head. “No. I’ll wait until she gets here.”

Mom merely nods. I know she still doesn’t think it’s a good idea, but she’ll support me regardless. This is something I really want.

We sit there watching some dramatic reality TV show about wives of celebrities who have too much time on their hands. I stand when there’s a knock on the door. I know Mandy will just walk in, but I want to greet her at the door. She’s halfway through stepping in the door when I get there. She pulls me into a tight hug. Mandy has always been the touchy-feely type. Her love brings the overwhelming need to cry. A few tears fall from my eyes and she pulls back.

“Hey,” I say to her.

It’s hard to explain, but it feels like a weight has been lifted off my chest the moment Mandy stepped into the room. Mandy is my rock, my voice of reason. Matt had my heart, and Mandy has the rest of me. She was there long before Matt, and I know she’ll be by my side now that he’s gone.

“Hello.” She takes a few moments to take me in. Her eyes search my face. I don’t know what she is looking for, but apparently, she’s pleased. She gives me a small smile before turning to look at my mom. “Hey, Lydia.”

“Hi, Mandy. How are you?”

“I’m okay. And you?”

“I’m doing well.”

Mandy and I go sit on the couch. “So, how are things in the real world?” I ask.

“Sad,” she answers honestly. “But I think everything is going to be okay.”

We sit and talk for a while just like old times. I’m so incredibly grateful for Mandy. There’s a reason we’re best friends. Neither of us brings up Matt, but we still manage to find things to talk about. The conversation flows from one topic to another easily like it always has with us. Finally, I know I can’t put off asking any longer.

“I actually wanted to ask you a favor,” I tell Mandy. My hands twist nervously in my lap. I know what I want—I’m just not sure I have the courage to ask for it aloud.

“Anything, Jade. What’s up?”

“I was wondering if you would go see Connie with me.”

“Sure. Let’s go.” That was Mandy. She was no nonsense, no bullshit.

I stand from the couch. “Bye, Mom.”

“See you later, girls. Call me if you need anything. I love you, Jaden.”

Mom has been saying that a lot more than usual, but I don’t really blame her. It very easily could have been me that died. She could have been the one losing a child instead of Connie and Doug.

Mandy and I climb into her car. Luckily, the conversation basically picks up where it left off on the couch so I’m able to concentrate on that instead of on how nervous I am. We pull up to the familiar house. I suddenly realize that I probably should have called. I don’t know if Connie is busy. I know Doug will be at work, but Connie stays home to take care of the girls. Her car’s in the driveway so I know she is here.

“You ready for this?” Mandy asks, studying me.

“Let’s do it,” I say, opening the car door. I’m not convinced that I really am ready, but I’ll fake it until I feel it. And I know with Mandy by my side, I can do anything.

We walk up to the front door with Mandy holding my hand. I ring the doorbell, which is odd. I haven’t waited at the door in years. I have an open invitation to their house, so I usually just walk in.

It takes less than a minute before Connie is standing on the other side. Her eyes widen in surprise at seeing me, but she quickly recovers.

“Jaden, what a nice surprise.”

“Are you busy right now?” I ask, feeling self-conscious. “I can come back a different time.”

“No, no. Please, come in. I’m happy you’re here, and I’m sure the girls will love to see you.” She steps aside to let me and Mandy in. “Hello, Mandy.”

“Hi, Mrs. Hollis.”

“How are you doing?” I ask.

She lets out a sigh. “Taking it one day at a time. You?”

“Same,” I tell her as we walk through the kitchen into the living room.

“Have a seat. Can I get you girls anything to drink?”

We both shake our head.

“The girls are upstairs playing. They’ll probably come storming down any minute. It’s almost time for lunch.”

I nod my head. I’ve never been uncomfortable around Connie. Matt’s family accepted me from the first time he’d brought me over. I love his family and they love me. But right now, I have no idea what to say to her. What do you say to someone who just lost her son?

I start off with an apology. “I’m sorry I didn’t come say hi when you came over the other day.”

She waves her hand. “It’s fine, really. Your mom said you weren’t feeling well, which is understandable. I’m glad to see you up and about.”

I nod my head. “Thanks.”

Just then, the girls come running downstairs.

“Jaden!” they both screech when they see me. Suddenly, I am being tackled as they run at me full force and jump into my lap.

“Girls!” Connie scolds. “Be careful of her belly.”

“Sorry,” they say together as Madison puts her head down in shame.

I decide to break the tense silence. “I missed you both so much,” I say, hugging them tightly.

“We missed you, too, Jaden,” Mack says. “I was afraid you weren’t going to come around anymore.”

That breaks my heart and I feel tears well up in my eyes. “I’m sorry, sweetie. I wasn’t feeling very well for a while, but I’m getting better. I couldn’t stay away for too long. I’m family, remember?” My own words cause tears to slide down my cheek.

Madison reaches up and wipes them away. “Are you crying because you miss Matt?”

I nod my head. “Yeah, but I’m also crying because I’m so happy to see you two again.”

She grins. “I’m happy to see you again, too.”

The five of us sit on the couch talking until Connie says she’s going to get lunch started.

“Do you mind if I go up and see Matt’s room?” I ask. I know it’s going to be nearly empty since most of his stuff is at our apartment, but I have an overwhelming urge to see it. To stand in the place where he spent so much time.

“Of course,” Connie says. “Do you want me to go with you?”

I shake my head and stand from the couch.

“Jaden,” Mandy says, giving her own offer to go with.

“I’m okay. Thanks.”

I go up the stairs to his room. I open his door, and the room is empty just like I knew it would be. There are still some posters hanging up and a few clothes lying on the floor. He left his bean bag chair and lamp in the corner of the room. His PC is on the floor since I already had a laptop and he got one for graduation.

Seeing his computer prompts a memory.

I had been sitting at his computer for almost an hour. Matt had gotten up early this morning to go to work, so now he was napping. I didn’t realize he was sleeping when I came over, but I figured I would just play around on the computer for a while until he woke up. We had plans to go out later that night. I was checking
Facebook
when his
Skype
dinged and popped up. It was a message from Mitch. I was poising my hands to tell him Matt was sleeping when the message caught my eye.

Hey, man, I talked to my uncle about those concert tickets. He says he has two for you. Just get me the money by next weekend and they’re all yours.

I felt a smile grow on my face. There was a
Halestorm
concert I had wanted to go to, but the tickets were sold out. Apparently, Matt had found a way to get some as an anniversary present.

Mitch, this is Jaden. Matt’s sleeping.
I typed back.

Oh shit, Jaden. I’m so sorry. Matt was hoping to surprise you. You weren’t supposed to find out.

I laughed before typing back,
Yeah
.
That’s typically how a surprise works.

Shit. He’s going to fucking kill me.

The gears were turning in my head as I thought of the perfect way to thank him.
Oh, I have a feeling he’ll be thanking you pretty soon.

Oh, Lord. LOL Just don’t forget the condom.

I typed a smiley face and jumped out of the chair. My entire body was ready to go. It was amazing how Matt could stir those feelings in me. He was absolutely amazing. I looked to my sleeping boyfriend and I felt like the luckiest girl on the entire planet.

I stripped out my jeans and t-shirt, glad I’d had the foresight to wear my sexy lace bra and underwear. Matt looked amazing, even in his sleep. His muscles were well defined from working construction since he was sixteen. He kept his brown hair short these days, but there was still enough to run my fingers through. He had fallen asleep on his back in only his boxers.

I stood there, staring at him and licking my lips before moving into action. I knew he couldn’t see me, but I sauntered over sexily. I climbed onto the bed and straddled him. Leaning down, I started nibbling on his ear, knowing it would wake him up and drive him wild.