Uncle John's Bathroom Reader The World's Gone Crazy (69 page)

BUT NOW I WALK
. The bite sent Blancarte to a hospital, where a nurse noticed his legs twitching. After he was treated for the bite, the nurse enrolled Blancarte in a physical therapy program…and he slowly learned to walk again. A local TV station latched onto the story and within weeks, headlines all over the world read: “SPIDER BITE HEALS PARAPLEGIC!” News anchors hailed it as a “medical miracle” that “offers a ray of hope to others who are paralyzed.”

ACTUALLY…
The spider bite (which was never even confirmed—brown recluses don’t live in California) had little to do with Blancarte’s recovery except to get him to the hospital, where the astute nurse noticed that the nerves in his legs were still working. And, adding insult to recovery, the media frenzy attracted the attention of police—who arrested Blancarte on an outstanding warrant for domestic abuse. But at least he learned to walk again, which is nice.

A computer program designed to grade school essays gave Ernest Hemingway a failing grade
.

WEIRD, WITH A
SIDE OF ANIMALS

Some real-life news stories—of the odd variety—with some animals thrown in (sometimes literally)
.

V
ERY JACKIE CHAN
Verity Beman and her husband, Beat Ettlin, were sleeping peacefully in their home in Canberra, Australia, one night in March 2009 when a six-foot-tall kangaroo crashed through their bedroom window and landed on their bed. “It leaped in, this martial-arts kind of figure,” Beman told reporters the next day. “It was very Jackie Chan.” The kangaroo began thrashing around the house. Ettlin, in a frantic effort to get it outside, grabbed the animal in a headlock, dragged it to the front door, and threw it out. Beman said it was a good thing her husband was from Switzerland, because an Aussie would have never attempted to get a kangaroo in a headlock. “They would be fully aware of the risk,” she said. She added that she was very proud of her husband’s brave actions. “I called him my hero,” she said. “My hero in undies.”

DOES THIS FISH TASTE CORPSEY?

A newspaper reporter in the city of Agartala in northeastern India decided to go undercover in 2009 to investigate a rumor about the city’s trade in
hilsa
fish, a local delicacy. The reporter pretended to be a fish trader who needed space to store a load of hilsa he’d just bought in neighboring Bangladesh. He received an offer from one of the city’s hospitals, where employees said they could sell him space to store the fish in the morgue…in cooling boxes…alongside human cadavers. Other traders had been storing fish with dead bodies for years, they told him, before the fish were delivered to the city’s many street markets. They insisted that it was much cheaper than conventional storage methods, which saved the fish traders money, and it also brought in some extra cash for the hospital’s employees. The reporter’s exposé caused an outcry. “It is absolutely disgusting,” state Health Minister Tapan Chakrabarty said, promising that an investigation into the morgue-stored fish would begin immediately.

Is this some kind of stunt? Jackie Chan flushes the toilet only once a day
.

RABBITS: THE HORROR

In October 2009, Swedish newspapers reported that several thousand rabbits were shot every year in parks in the capital city of Stockholm. That’s not uncommon for large cities with rabbit overpopulation problems, but they also reported something that most of Stockholm’s citizens were unaware of: Once they were killed, the rabbits’ carcasses were frozen, shipped to the city of Karlskoga in central Sweden…and incinerated as fuel in the city’s heating plant. The heat generated by the thousands of dead rabbits helps to heat homes in the area. Animal rights groups, the reports said, were calling for an end to the bunny-burning.

RABBITS: THE HORROR RETURNS

On the South Island of New Zealand, the town of Waiau (population 400) has a different way of dealing with its dead rabbits: a throwing contest. Kicking off the town’s three-day pig-hunting festival every October is the “dead rabbit throw,” in which local children compete to see who can throw a dead rabbit the farthest. The town banned the contest in 2009 after receiving complaints from the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals. One angry resident defended the rabbit toss, claiming that the ban was “political correctness gone mad.” An SPCA representative disagreed, saying the event sent the message to kids that dead bodies were a “form of entertainment.” The ASPCA person asked, “Do you throw your dead grandmother around for a joke at her funeral?”

CHRISTIANIDDLY-DIDDLIANITY

According to
Christianity Today
, the name that most U.S. college students associate with Christianity is Jesus Christ. Who’s second? Is it Mother Theresa? Billy Graham? The Pope? Nope. It’s Ned Flanders, Homer’s church-lovin’ neighbor on
The Simpsons
.

In Australia, wearing hot pink pants on Sunday afternoon is illegal
.

QUICK FIXES

Bob Dylan sang, “There’s a brand-new gimmick every day, just to try and take somebody’s money away.” (And that was
before
informercials.)

C
OMPLAINT:
“I can’t stop eating these tasty, fatty treats!”
SOLUTION:
Aroma-Trim
EXPLANATION:
To curb your appetite, just hold the plastic Aroma-Trim whiffer under your nose. It smells just like human vomit, instantly turning that sweet treat into an object of disgust. As one satisfied infomercial participant exclaimed: “Now I don’t even
want
to finish that donut!” Price: $49.95 (instruction booklet and VHS tape included).

COMPLAINT:
“My eyelashes are thinning out!”

SOLUTION:
Latisse

EXPLANATION:
Designed to combat the effects of
eyelash hypotrichosis
, a condition characterized by thin or inadequate eyelashes, Latisse is a prescription-only chemical solution. Just use the applicator to dab some Latisse onto your thinning lashes, and you’ll be rewarded with a miraculous burst of new eyelash growth. But be careful: If your aim is off, small hairs may start growing from the inside of your eye, or from your forehead, your cheek, your chin, your elbow, or any other part of your skin touched by…Latisse. Price: $150 for 1 bottle and 60 applicators.

COMPLAINT:
“My bust is so large that my car’s seat belt cuts into me!”

SOLUTION:
Tiddy Bear

EXPLANATION:
The Tiddy Bear is a small stuffed animal that looks like a spread-eagle Beanie Baby. You attach it to your car’s shoulder belt via a strap on its back, then slide the Tiddy Bear until its face rests between your breasts. According to the manufacturer, it relieves pressure on the bust and shoulder. Price: $14.95.

COMPLAINT:
“I need a tan for my hot date tonight, but I don’t have time to go to a tanning salon!”

It’s easier for a person with a severe mental illness to get arrested than to get treatment
.

SOLUTION:
Comodynes Self Tanning Wipes for Face and Body

EXPLANATION:
Reportedly used by “Christina Applegate, Lindsay Lohan, and the entire cast of
Friends,”
these towelettes soaked with a mild skin dye will tan you up in just two to three hours. Do they work? Kind of, according to one online review: “I had to use two for my legs, one for my arms, and one for my torso and most of my back. I used up a half of the box for one application. In a few hours, I saw color develop. It wasn’t perfect, but it wasn’t orange, either. But still, not a disaster.” Price: $12.99 for an 8-pack.

COMPLAINT:
“I want a butt like J-Lo’s, but mine sags!”

SOLUTION:
The Brazilian Butt Lift

EXPLANATION:
This reverse-liposuction procedure, invented by cosmetic surgeon Ricardo Rodriguez, harvests extra fat from your stomach or neck. Then the fat is spun in a centrifuge until it’s “purified.” After that, according to Dr. Rodriguez, “The process involves hundreds of fat injections, designed to fill the upper quadrant of your buttocks with fat so that the butt appears lifted and perky.” Price: $16,000 to $18,000.

COMPLAINT:
“I want a face-lift, but I can’t afford one!”

SOLUTION:
Rejuvenique

EXPLANATION:
If you don’t mind temporarily looking like Jason from the
Friday the 13th
movies, then try Rejuvenique. This battery-operated facial mask (with eyeholes) sends electric shocks into your face muscles, causing them to contract and ultimately tighten up. According to its inventor, George Springer, wearing the Rejuvenique mask is “like doing eight sit-ups a second with your face.” Price: Four easy payments of only $49.75 (9-volt battery included).

COMPLAINT:
“I’ve got no hair on the top of my head!”

SOLUTION:
Ronco’s GLH

EXPLANATION:
GLH stands for “Great-Looking Hair,” and it’s easy to apply. Just spray it on your bald spot, and
voilà!
—you have a brown spot that kind of looks like hair when viewed from across the street. Price: $19.95.

Two odd Texas attractions: the Cockroach Hall of Fame and the “Space Alien Pilot’s Grave.”

FUNERAL HOME
HORRORS

It’s a good thing these people aren’t in charge of taking care of the living
.

A
VERY PERSONAL EFFECT
In 2009 a New Mexico woman died in a car accident in Utah. Her body was taken to the Serenicare Funeral Home in the nearby town of Draper, and then was transferred to the DeVargas Funeral Home in Espanola Valley, New Mexico. Not long after the woman’s burial, her family received a package from one of the funeral homes containing her “personal effects.” They looked inside, and there, along with Grandma’s wallet, jewelry, and scarf, was her brain…in a plastic bag with her name and the word “brain” printed on it. The family sued both of the funeral homes. “No loved one’s brain,” their lawyer said, “should ever be part of those belongings.” The owner of the Utah funeral home said that it wasn’t uncommon for brains to be shipped separately from bodies after accidents, but he had no explanation for why one might be shipped to a family. The lawsuit has yet to be settled; the brain has since been buried with the woman’s body.