Uncle John's Bathroom Reader The World's Gone Crazy (71 page)

FOLLOWING THE ECONOMY OFF A CLIFF

Chinese newspapers reported in Febrary 2009 that a “Mr. Fan,” a successful business owner, had five mistresses. But after the economy tanked, he could afford only one. So Fan decided to hold a “Best Mistress” contest. He hired an instructor from a modeling agency to help judge which of his girlfriends possessed the most beauty—and the most talent at such tasks as singing and guzzling alcohol. The winner would receive a free apartment, a monthly allowance of $738, and of course, Mr. Fan’s affections (when he wasn’t with his wife). But after the contest was over, one of the losers, a woman named Yu, graciously offered to take her four competitors and soon-to-be-former lover on a sightseeing jaunt. She drove them up a scenic mountain road…and off a cliff. Yu was killed in the crash, and all of the passengers were badly injured. Police initially ruled the crash an accident until Yu’s parents showed them her suicide note. In the ensuing scandal, Fan was forced to shut down his business and pay compensation to Yu’s parents for her death. All four mistresses left Mr. Fan. And his wife—who, until then, hadn’t known about the other women—sued for divorce.

Studies show: Weightlifters can handle heavier weights when working out in blue gyms
.

BLONDES TO THE RESCUE

Of all the nations in the European Union, Latvia may have been hit the hardest by the recession, with frightened, suddenly penniless citizens rioting in the capital city of Riga. A group called the Latvian Blondes Association came up with a unique way to beat back the financial gloom: Under a banner proclaiming “Make the World a Brighter Place,” hundreds of blonde women dressed in pink and white marched through Riga, accompanied by an orchestra and a fleet of well-dressed lapdogs. It was all part of “Blonde Weekend,” which also featured a golf and tennis tournament. Organizer Marika Gederte declared the event a success, saying, “People need positive emotions, especially in hard times.” She insisted that there was no discrimination against brunettes or redheads, and she is hoping to make the Riga parade an annual event.

MAKING CRIME PAY

• In Nigeria, where motorcycles are a popular form of transportation, a new law requires riders to wear helmets. The money collected from violators would be a boon to the cash-strapped nation, but many cash-strapped riders can’t afford to pay the tickets…or even buy helmets. Result: Riders have started wearing cooking pots on their heads, as well as dried gourds and hollowed-out pumpkins.

• A Michigan postal carrier, John Auito, fell behind on his mortgage. To save his home from foreclosure, he stole postage stamps and then sold them on eBay at a 15-percent discount. Business was so good that Auito had sold $20,000 worth of stamps before authorities caught up with him. He was arrested for stealing government property.

• Another effect of the recession: more bank robberies, especially during the holidays. Just before Christmas in 2009, a stout Santa Claus, dressed in his trademark red suit (along with dark sunglasses) entered a bank in Nashville, Tennessee. When a teller asked him to remove the shades, Santa pulled out a gun and told her to fill his Santa sack with cash. He then drove away and was never found. Bank workers reported that the man was very “jovial” and had told them that times were tough, and he was robbing the bank because “Santa has to pay his elves.”

On September 11, 2002, New York’s winning lottery numbers were 9-1-1
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THE RECESSION IN BRIEF

Retail sales plummeted in 2009. Among the hardest-hit items: men’s underwear. Apparently, say retailers, the less underwear they sell, the worse the financial prognosis. Men just don’t seem to replace their boxers and briefs when times are tight. (Uncle John can confirm this.)

VIRTUAL RELIEF

• In Tokyo, workers suffering from financial frustration can head to “The Venting Place” in a busy shopping district. For a small fee, customers can smash china cups and plates against a concrete block.

• Are you tired of seeing phrases like “rising unemployment,” “growing foreclosures,” and “increasingly cash-strapped”? There’s a Web site called Recession Blocker that automatically filters out those kinds of phrases from news articles so you don’t have to keep reading them over and over.

• There’s another Web site called Shoot the Banker. People who are angry with their banker can fire a robotic paintball gun that shoots real paintballs at a live actor playing the role of a wealthy, arrogant bank owner.

TWO WEEKS’ NOTICE

In September 2008, Alan Fishman was appointed CEO of Washington Mutual bank and received a $7.5 million “signing bonus.” Just 17 days later, the bank collapsed and was temporarily taken over by government regulatory bodies. Fishman was no longer needed, but his contract with WaMu guaranteed him $11.6 million for a premature exit. So, for just over two weeks on the job, Fishman netted $19.1 million.

John Wheeler coined the term “black hole” in 1967, two years before the first black hole was discovered
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A BODY OF CASH

Need some extra cash? You could get a second job or sell off your CD collection. Or you could try selling something a bit more…biological. Sound yucky? Don’t let that put you off—it’s a serious business
.

B
LOOD BANKS
. Technically, it’s illegal to sell blood. You’re actually selling “plasma”—the yellowish base of blood that transports nutrients to your body’s cells. Blood banks collect plasma from donors (18 million people donated in 2008) and then sell it to hospitals, which use it for transfusions. So how do you go about selling your blood? Find a blood bank (they’re often in the seedier part of town, or near a college), and pass the screening. Drug users are excluded, as is anyone who’s gotten a tattoo in the past year—it’s a hepatitis risk. Blood banks also don’t accept anyone with a communicable disease (for obvious reasons) or major health problems. You’ll relax on a reclining chair while a medical technician sticks a needle in your arm. Thirty minutes later, you’ll be one fluid bag of plasma poorer, but about $30 (and a glass of juice) richer.

SPERM BANKS
. They may elicit chuckles, but sperm banks are a very important part of helping women or couples conceive children when they are not otherwise physically able to do so. And it’s a $75-million-a-year industry. Sperm banks and fertility clinics don’t accept just anybody—donors have to be pretty impressive guys for strangers to want to use their chromosomes. Standards vary, but most facilities want men who are healthy, have a relatively clean family medical history, are at least 5′10″ tall, and are college-educated. Average payout: around $100 per “donation.”

EGG BANKS
. Eggs are harvested from a woman’s ovaries and are used to conceive a child by combining them with donated sperm, then implanting one in the mother-to-be’s uterus. The most sought-after donors are women between the ages of 18 and 32 who are in generally good health and have a clean family medical history. The donor takes daily hormone-booster shots for a month. Then, at a clinic, she’s sedated and 10–15 eggs are extracted via a large needle. It’s a much more physically taxing process than sperm donation, so the payout is much larger: as much as $10,000.

In 1987 Peoria, IL, paid a PR firm $60,000 to help counter its image as America’s most average city
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THE JACKSON 7

Michael Jackson had
7
letters in both his first and last names. Born in 1958 (19 + 58 =
77)
, he was his parents’
7
th child. His two biggest hits stayed at #1 for
7
weeks. His three biggest albums each produced
7
top 40 hits. He signed his will on
7/7
/02. Exactly
7
years later his memorial was held on
7/7
/09. Here are
7
more strange stories surrounding the death of the King of Pop
.

1
EERIE PREDICTION
. In January 2009, the
National
Enquirer
ran this headline: “MICHAEL JACKSON IS
DYING, HAS ONLY SIX MONTHS TO LIVE, PALS FEAR.” According to the story, Jackson was battling a rare genetic disorder that required him to undergo a lung transplant in order to save his life, but his health was further deteriorating because of an addiction to painkillers and alcohol. A source close to Jackson said at the time, “It’s tragic. His condition is just so far gone, I’d be surprised if he lasts six months.” (He lasted five months.)

2
.
BUG ZAPPERS
. According to the family’s lawyer, Brian Oxman, Jackson was terrified in spring 2009 that “people would kill him to somehow try to take control of the Beatles back catalogue.” Jackson owned a share of the $1 billion publishing rights to the inventory of Beatles’ songs. Just four days before his death, Jackson reportedly told a close friend, “I’m better off dead. I don’t have anywhere left to turn. I’m done.”

3
.
A THRILLER OF A CONSPIRACY
. Shortly after Jackson’s death in 2009, his older sister, LaToya, claimed that Michael was murdered: “Not just one person was involved, rather it was a conspiracy of people who didn’t have his best interest at heart.” A month later, the L.A. County Coroner ruled the death a homicide, caused by a lethal combination of drugs. Police focused their investigation on one of those people in Jackson’s inner circle, his physician, Dr. Conrad Murray…who had allegedly administered Propofol, a powerful anesthetic, to Jackson shortly before his death. (Was MJ’s death a murder? Stay tuned to a future
Bathroom Reader
to find out.)

4
.
VIRTUAL CONFUSION
. Jackson’s sudden end sent shock waves across cyberspace: Only seconds after his death was announced, traffic doubled on the microblogging site Twitter, temporarily shutting it down. Google’s search engine was similarly inundated, causing the service to issue an error message when users entered Jackson’s name. (Google’s computers interpreted the surge as an attack from hackers.) The confusion led many to believe the news was a hoax. After gossip blogger Perez Hilton wrote, “Jackson is lying or making himself sick,” several mainstream news sites reported that. Some actual hoaxers used the confusion as an opportunity to spread rumors about other celebrity deaths, including a claim that actor Jeff Goldblum was killed in a fall while filming a movie in New Zealand. (He wasn’t.)

In the 48 hours after Michael Jackson died, cable news outlets devoted 93% of their air time to covering the story
.