Uncle John's Bathroom Reader The World's Gone Crazy (72 page)

5
.
BAD LEGISLATION
. A few days after Jackson died, U.S. Rep. Sheila Jackson Lee (D-TX) proposed a nonbinding resolution that honored the King of Pop’s contributions “to the world on behalf of America.” At Jackson’s memorial, Lee held up a copy of the resolution and promised it would be debated on the House floor. However, when she arrived in Congress the following week, the resolution was met by jeers on both sides of the aisle, including Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, who said that the bill would “open up contrary views that are not necessary at this time.” (In other words, Jackson’s highly publicized legal problems would have made it controversial.) Undaunted, Lee promised, “We will work with this legislation as long as necessary.” It was never passed.

6
.
THE NOSE KNOWS
. For years, fans have wondered if Jackson’s nose was his own—or was it a prosthetic? That question may have been answered when it was reported that someone had stolen the artificial appendage while Jackson’s body lay in a Los Angeles morgue, leaving behind, according to press reports, “a small, dark hole surrounded by bits of cartilage” in the deceased singer’s surgically altered face. Police have yet to find the nose.

7
.
SPACE ODDITY
. There were hundreds of tributes to the fallen singer in summer 2009, but here’s one that never came to be: The Iowa State Fair had originally planned to feature a butter sculpture of Jackson performing his signature “Moonwalk” dance. The idea was nixed after 65% of 100,000 voters rejected it in an online poll. The butter sculpture was replaced with one commemorating astronaut Neil Armstrong’s
actual
moon walk.

CRIMINALLY ODD

Featuring a reincarnated cat, a crook with image issues, a getaway driver who couldn’t drive, and heroic tobacco juice
.

K
IDNAPPED!
In April 2009, James Williams’s mother received some startling text messages on her cell phone: “we have ur son”; “pay $250 or we kill him”; “wire $ to the walmart in milwaukee”; “dont call cops.” She did call the cops, and when they traced the calls, they found Williams, 23, a few miles away in Kenosha, Wisconsin. He was sitting in his mother’s van—alone—feverishly texting more ransom messages to her. James was arrested and sentenced to 60 days in jail and one year’s probation.

BURNED!

Sharon Shelton, 66, the second ex-wife of Gerald Shelton of Madison, North Carolina, sent a cryptic letter to Gerald’s third ex-wife: “If you want to get even with him, burn the house down.” Ex-wife #3 turned the letter over to the police, so Sharon decided to do it herself: In October 2009, she broke into Gerald’s house, poured gasoline on his coffee table, lit it up, and ran away. Luckily, Gerald had a large, plastic spittoon on the coffee table—and the heat melted it, causing tobacco juice to spill out and extinguish the fire. Sharon was charged with attempted arson.

INCARCERATED!

In 2009 Peter Koenig, a convicted bank robber serving five years in a German prison, went to court for the right to receive visits…from his cat, Gisele. Koenig, a practicing Buddhist, believes Gisele is the reincarnation of his mother. “I know it is mummy,” he told the British newspaper
The Telegraph
. “She looks after me just the way she did. I need to see her like other prisoners see their wives and children.” The request was refused. “While we respect the religious freedom of individuals,” the judge said, “the accused has not been able to furnish proof that his deceased mother has been reborn in a cat.” (The judge added that Koenig could always just write letters to the cat.)

A company called Drink Safe Texas sells bar coasters that test drinks for date-rape drugs
.

DISARMED!

Four men from Essex, England, robbed a jewelry store in September 2009. They ran outside and jumped into a waiting car driven by their friend, 18-year-old John Smith. One problem: Smith has no arms below his elbows, so his fellow crooks had to help him steer and change gears. They made it 30 miles before they lost control of the car and crashed. All four were arrested. Said Smith’s mother, “Because of his naïveté, he did not fully accept that by sitting in the car he was actually involved in the burglary.”

BURGLED!

A man broke into a home in Woodbridge, New Jersey, in May 2009, and left not only richer but better looking and with fresh breath, too. In addition to $500 in cash, the crook took some Life Savers candies but left behind the razor he had shaved with (and some whiskers in the sink). He also left behind a pair of smelly black socks. Police are still looking for the man.

BOOKED!

When Paul Baldwin was arrested for assault in New Hampshire in 2009, he didn’t have to be told where to go or what to do at the Portsmouth police station—he knew the drill. Why? He’d been booked there
152 times
before on various charges including felony theft, lewdness, arson, and shoplifting. At his trial, Baldwin told the judge that he didn’t need a lawyer because, “I’ve been in this courtroom more than you have.” (He went to jail.)

ESCAPED!

In 1987 Phillip Arnold Paul murdered an elderly woman because he believed she was a witch. He claimed that voices in his head made him do it, and was acquitted by reason of insanity and then locked up in Eastern State Mental Hospital in Washington. He tried to escape once, but was quickly captured. Other than being a flight risk, Paul was considered a “model patient.” So one day in 2009, staff decided to include him in their annual supervised field trip to the Spokane County Interstate Fair. Not surprisingly, Paul escaped. “It’s outrageous that security was so inept that a guy who’s officially regarded as criminally insane was able to just slip away from the group,” said state Rep. Matt Shea of Spokane Valley. At last report, Paul’s whereabouts were still unknown.

Less than 10% of Americans tell pollsters they are “very dissatisfied” with their jobs
.

DEADLY FLORIDA

Good thing it’s pretty in the Sunshine State. At least the view will be nice as you try to outrun all of these dangerous things
.

A
FRAID OF LIGHTNING?
Then don’t go to Florida. A study conducted from 2004 to 2007 by the American Meteorological Society found that people are more likely to get struck by lightning in Florida than anywhere else in North America. The state averages 35 lightning injuries and seven fatalities per year, and “Lightning Alley,” a hot spot that spans central Florida from Tampa to Titusville, receives an average of 50 strikes per square mile per year. And right in the middle of Lightning Alley: Disney World. Even with lightning rods strategically placed throughout the park, a quick-moving storm in 2003 caught animal handlers by surprise at Disney’s Kilimanjaro Safaris attraction. Before they could move the animals to safety, a lightning bolt killed a 12-foot-tall giraffe named Betsy. Also located in Lightning Alley: Universal Studios, SeaWorld, Daytona Beach, and NASA’s Kennedy Space Center, where they launch spaceships.

AFRAID OF ALLIGATORS?

Then don’t go to Florida. Although the Florida Wildlife Department insists that alligator attacks are rare and seldom fatal, incidents are on the rise. Protected by law, the alligator population has grown from 300,000 in 1967 to nearly two million today. And more and more, those gators are colliding with humans encroaching on their natural habitat. Result: a drastic increase in fatal attacks (three people were killed by gators in one week alone in 2006). Because there are no plans to reinstitute alligator-hunting and few plans to curb development, we’re likely to see more deadly gator encounters in the years to come.

AFRAID OF SHARKS?

Then don’t go to Florida. Just a short drive from Disney World is New Smyrna Beach, the shark-bite capital of the world. According to the 2008 International Shark Attack File, 32 of the 59 unprovoked shark attacks worldwide occurred in Florida—and New Smyrna Beach accounted for 21 of them. Most attacks occur at Ponce de Leon Inlet, where two rivers meet before emptying into the Atlantic Ocean. The confluence creates a smorgasbord for sharks looking for an easy meal: murky water from tidal flushing loaded with plenty of baitfish. The inlet also has some of the best and most consistent surf on the East Coast and, consequently, lots of surfers. In 2008, 57% of New Smyrna’s shark victims were attacked while surfing.

16 of the top 20 U.S. cities most often hit by hurricanes are located in Florida
.

AFRAID OF CROSSING THE STREET?

Then don’t go to Florida. A 2008 study by Surface Transportation Policy Partnership found that four of the top five most dangerous U.S. cities for pedestrians are in Florida. The national average for pedestrian deaths is 11.8% of all traffic deaths, but Florida topped out at 16.9%. America’s most dangerous city for pedestrians: Orlando.

AFRAID OF RIDING A BICYCLE?

Then don’t go to Florida. It’s also the most dangerous U.S. state for cyclists, with 113 fatalities in 2008. (That’s more than the #2 state, California, which has nearly twice as many people.) Why so dangerous? A lack of adequate bicycle lanes is one reason, but most Floridians agree that many drivers there just don’t like bike riders. According to Scott Gross, manager of Open Road Bicycles in Avondale, Florida: “People are very nice to cyclists in other parts of the world, but around here they just want you off the road.”

AMUSED BY DUMB CROOKS?

Then, by all means, go to Florida. Though it ranks in the top 15 states for assault, burglary, robbery, homicide, and car theft, some of our favorite dumb-crook stories come from the Sunshine State. Like this one: In 2009 a man burst into a home in Riverview, Florida, forced the residents into a bathroom, and proceeded to steal prescription drugs, cash, and some electronics. Fortunately, the man was easy to identify. When the victims were called into the police station to look at suspect photos, they pointed at one and said, “That’s him!” How did they know? Because on the 19-year-old robber’s left cheek was a large tattoo of the state of Florida.

In 2005 Officer Chris Legere gave speeding tickets to twins: same day, same car, separate incidents
.

NEWS FROM THE
THROWN ROOM

Sometimes you’re so mad, you just want to throw something…like a waffle. Or a plate of food. Or a jellyfish
.

T
hrower:
Keith Edward Marriott
Thrown:
Several jellyfish
Story:
In September 2009, sunbathers at Madiera Beach, Florida, saw Marriott, 41, as he seemed to be struggling in the surf. When they ran into the water to save him, he jumped up and started throwing jellyfish at them. Witnesses said he repeated the stunt several times, each time throwing jellyfish at people who ran to help him. He was arrested and charged with disorderly intoxication.