Uncle John's Bathroom Reader The World's Gone Crazy (67 page)

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Reverend Dan Willis
of Lighthouse Church of All Nations in Alsip, Illinois, saw attendance at his church grow from about 1,600 to more than 2,500 in just five weeks in 2009. How’d he do it? At the end of each of the church’s three Sunday services, Willis held a lottery—if he drew the number corresponding to your seat number on the pew, you won a prize of $500. (Two runners-up won $250.) Willis said he wanted to help out the congregation during these economically difficult times.

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Nick Wallace
, 22, of Oxford, England, was born with muscular dystrophy. He told the nuns at the Douglas House hospice that he wanted to lose his virginity before he died. So Sister Frances Dominica helped Wallace arrange a date with a “sex worker” he found in a magazine ad (she went to his house when his parents weren’t home). Afterward, Wallace admitted, “It was not emotionally fulfilling, but the lady was very pleasant.” Sister Dominica defended setting up the date: “I know that some people will say, ‘You are a Christian foundation—what are you thinking about?’ But we are here for all faiths and none.”

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In November 2009
, the Church of God in Christ, one of the largest black churches in the U.S., ordained Johnny Lee Clary, 50, making him a minister. What made the event notable? Clary is not only white—he’s a former Imperial Wizard of the Ku Klux Klan. After converting to Christianity, he left the KKK in 1990 (he had belonged to it since he was 14). Now he travels the world preaching against the evils of racism.

Der Waah! A German study found that within a week, newborn babies begin to cry with an accent
.

DISORDER
IN THE COURT

As “officers of the court,” you’d think lawyers would consider it their duty to make the simple decisions that are necessary to get the legal process going. And usually they do. But not in these cases
.

R
OCKY RELATIONSHIP
Dispute:
In a 2006 case between a utility company and an insurance company, two Tampa, Florida, lawyers for each side contested nearly every single thing that the other side did for more than a year. They couldn’t even decide where to depose witnesses, even though their offices were in the same building. The plaintiff’s attorney, David Pettinato, eventually filed a motion asking the court to pick a location, but Judge Gregory Presnell refused, noting that the attorneys ought to be able to resolve the matter “without enlisting the assistance of the federal courts.”

Solution:
Judge Presnell told them to meet on the front steps of the courthouse and “engage in one game of rock, paper, scissors.” The winner would get to pick the deposition site. Presnell was widely criticized by members of the legal community, who thought his ruling invited public ridicule. But Matti Lesham of the USA Rock Paper Scissors League thought the judge made a wise decision. “When someone uses this great game to adjudicate any kind of dispute,” he said, “it is a positive moment for the world.”

DEFIANT TODDLERS

Dispute:
In 2008 the state of Rhode Island and the town of Charleston, Rhode Island, were on the same side of a complicated Indian land case, but for months could not agree who would argue the case before the U.S. Supreme Court. Only one lawyer per side is allowed. The state wanted their lawyer, Theodore Olson (he argued and won the
Bush v. Gore
case for George W. Bush). Charleston preferred its own attorney, Joseph Larisa, who’d been with the case for ten years. A motion was filed to allow both lawyers to appear; it was rejected.

2,000 obsolete, nonfunctioning fire hydrants remain in place in New York City. Why? So the city can continue to collect the parking fines
.

Solution:
Larisa suggested a coin toss—which both the governor and the state attorney general rejected. Governor Donald Carcieri’s lawyer then suggested two coin tosses, one between Larisa and Olson and, if Larisa won, another between him and the attorney general (giving Larisa only a one in four chance of winning). Larisa rejected that plan. A spokesman for the attorney general’s office called Larisa a “defiant toddler” and said, “The only thing that has made this the controversy that it is is Joe Larisa’s ego.” In the end, Larisa decided to back down and let the state have its pick…but only after being promised a seat at the counsel table.

BORDER PATROL

Dispute:
Waggoner v. WalMart Stores
was a wrongful-death suit. Ruth Waggoner alleged that the corporation was liable for the death of her 88-year-old husband, who was hit by an automatic door at one of its stores. Waggoner’s attorney wanted to depose a WalMart representative, but the parties couldn’t agree on where to do it. Waggoner and her son wanted it held in San Antonio, Texas; WalMart preferred its hometown of Bentonville, Arkansas. The decision eventually went to Judge James Nowlin.
Solution:
“Surely,” wrote the Texas judge, “the Defendant’s corporate representative, a resident of Arkansas, would feel great humiliation by being forced to enter the home state of the legendary Texas Longhorns, who have wrought havoc on the Arkansas Razorbacks with an impressive 55–21 all-time series record. On the other hand, the Court is sympathetic with Plaintiff’s position. Plaintiffs might enter Arkansas with a bit of trepidation as many residents of Arkansas are still seeking retribution for the ‘Game of the Century,’ in which James Street and Darrell Royal stunned the Razorbacks by winning the 1969 National Championship. Because the Court is sympathetic to both parties’ positions, it has found a neutral site, intended to avoid both humiliation and trepidation of retribution.” Judge Nowlin directed that the deposition be taken on the steps of the federal building that sits on the Arkansas-Texas border…and that each party remain on their side of the state line.

(OVER)BOARD GAMES

Board games are big business, and each year hundreds are released, some hits…and some misses. Here are some of the misses
.

I
s the Pope Catholic? (1986)
This game combines goofy, satirical humor with trivia questions about the doctrine and history of the Catholic Church. The ultimate object is to become pope, which you do by correctly answering trivia questions and earning rosary beads. But don’t drink too much wine or spend all of your church’s money on candy!

Orgy (1967)
If you wanted to get in on the freewheeling sexual pursuits of the 1960s without
really
getting into them, you could buy the game of Orgy…which isn’t an orgy at all, but a simple drinking game. Couples take turns pouring wine (or whatever liquid they want) out of a genie lamp called a
porron
into each other’s mouths. The couple with the fewest spills wins.

Proud to Be Me! (1991)
This game is supposed to make kids feel good about themselves by answering probing questions printed on cards, such as “Why do you love your family?” Then they get to read affirmations like “I am a good person.” Naturally, there are no winners or losers in Proud to Be Me (because losing would make you feel bad about yourself).

Chutzpah! (1967)
Marketed to Jewish people—or to those who enjoyed Jewish stereotypes—Chutzpah!’s object was to hoard money that you could then spend on teeth-capping or a move to Florida.

Pain Doctors (1996)
This “Game of Recreational Surgery” was sort of an Operation for the ’90s. Players portray mad doctors and vie to keep the patient healthy enough so that they can perform unnecessary elective surgery, as determined by drawing random “surgery cards.”

Grade Up to Elite Cow (1986)
Produced by the British Beef Association to teach kids how beef is processed and graded, the game encourages players to compete at breeding and selling the highest-quality cattle. It begins with a bull-semen auction.

43% of psychiatrists say they would self-medicate if they were depressed. 16% say they have
.

FAT CITY

The media keeps telling us that the rate of obesity is skyrocketing in the United States. But the residents of one city really take the cake—and the ice cream, the donuts, the bacon bits
…

W
E’RE NUMBER ONE!
After the Centers for Disease Control (CDC) released the results of a 2008 study on obesity and related illnesses, the Associated Press crunched the numbers and singled out “America’s unhealthiest city”: Huntington, West Virginia. The area’s 284,000 people lead the nation in obesity rates, heart disease, diabetes, and several other unhealthy conditions.

Located in the foothills of the Appalachian mountain range, Huntington has an economy that was centered around coal mining and manufacturing until the 1950s. But as those labor-intensive, calorie-burning jobs moved elsewhere, the fabric of the town changed. Joblessness and poverty have been on the rise ever since.

One thing that hasn’t changed: the local diet. Fatty, fried, unhealthy (and totally delicious) food was—and still is—popular in Huntington. The deep-fried meats famous in the Southern U.S. and the fat-rich recipes brought over by English and German immigrants still make up the majority of the diet (they use lots of gravy). Because Huntington’s economy is now comprised mostly of service-sector office jobs, those calories don’t get burned off in the mines or at the factories anymore. Instead, they turn to fat. (Ironically, Huntington’s largest employer is the healthcare industry.)

ABOVE AVERAGE

Huntington beat just about all of the CDC’s national findings::

• National adult obesity rate: 34 percent. Huntington: 46 percent.

• National rate of adults who say they “never exercise”: 25 percent. Huntington: 31 percent.

• National rate of adults who smoke cigarettes: 18 percent. Huntington: 25 percent.

• National rate of senior citizens who have no teeth: 30 percent. Huntington: 48 percent.

Noah’s ark? In 2007 a deserted ship was discovered near China. On board: 5,000 live rare animals
.

CLOGGED

Perhaps most telling of all, a quarter of older adults in the Huntington area have been diagnosed with coronary heart disease, characterized by fatty buildup in the arteries. That’s two and a half times the national average. They also have higher rates of type 2 diabetes, which is caused by poor diet and inactivity. Here are two more alarming statistics
not
found in the CDC’s report:

• Huntington is home to 200 pizza parlors—more than the number of gyms and health clubs in the
entire state
of West Virginia.

• The number of McDonald’s restaurants per capita in U.S. is about one per 20,000 people; Huntington’s rate is triple that.

When residents don’t crave pizza or the Golden Arches, they can go to local favorite eateries, such as Big Loafer, Cam’s Hams, DP Dough, or Fat Patty’s. And every summer, the people come out en masse for the annual Hot Dog Festival.