Uncle John's Bathroom Reader The World's Gone Crazy (68 page)

THE SKINNY

Not surprisingly, all this negative press didn’t go over too well in Huntington. When asked to comment on the CDC’s findings, Mayor David Felinton (who weighs 233 pounds) said, “We’ve got more important things to worry about down at City Hall.” Others complained that the CDC study was unfairly skewed against rural communities. According to a local doctor, Harry Tweel, there’s a stubborn cultural mindset also at work: “People here have an attitude of ‘You’re not going to tell me what I can’t eat. My parents ate that and my grandparents ate that.’”

Another local doctor, Thomas Dannals, is attempting to get his friends and neighbors off the couch and outside for some actual exercise, but it’s been difficult. He announced plans to hold a marathon and triathlon on the same weekend as the hot dog festival, and has also been working to get an exercise trail built. But because of the 2008 recession, he hasn’t been able to get much funding for either project.

The recession may have had other repercussions as well, as many Huntington residents blame the city’s poor health on the faltering economy. “It needs to pick up first so people can afford to get healthy,” 67-year-old Ronnie Adkins told a reporter…as he sat on the smoking porch of Huntington’s Jolly Pirate Donut shop.

Some users of prescription sleep aids report making phone calls, having sex, and driving in their sleep
.

REALITY SHOWS, PART II

More stories of behind-the-scenes betrayal, corruption, and cheating on America’s favorite reality shows
.

T
HE BIGGEST LOSER
(NBC, 2004–present)
Premise:
Obese people compete to lose the highest percentage of body weight. The winner takes home $250,000.
Story:
First-season winner Ryan C. Benson claimed producers left him out of a reunion special because he publicly admitted that he fasted and dehydrated himself for the show until he was urinating blood. Another contestant confessed to self-induced dehydration, and two others were taken to the hospital after collapsing from heat stroke during a one-mile race. Kai Hibbard, runner-up in Season 3, said she and other contestants would drink as little water as possible the day before a weigh-in and, when the cameras were off, would work out in heavy clothing to sweat off the pounds. Health experts say that these are unhealthy ways to lose weight.

SURVIVOR
(CBS, 2000–present)

Premise:
A group of strangers are marooned at a remote location. They must form “tribes” in order to survive and compete in various challenges. The winner receives $1 million.
Story:
Although the producers claim they try to find “regular people” to compete,
Survivor
’s casting director, Lynne Spillman, says that out of the thousands of applications they receive, very few meet their two main requirements: good looks (like models) and the ability to perform in front of a camera (like actors). So Spillman often hires model/actors—or, as she calls them, “mactors.” She admits that of the 19 contestants who competed in 2007’s
Survivor: Fiji
, 18 were recruited from talent agencies.

EXTREME MAKEOVER
(ABC, 2002–07)
Premise:
“Ugly ducklings” are transformed into “beautiful swans” via changes in wardrobe, makeup, exercise…and plastic surgery.
Story:
In 2005 contestant Deleese Williams filed a lawsuit against
Extreme Makeover
. According to Williams, the producers forced her sister to make false and cruel on-air remarks about Deleese’s appearance…something that made her sister feel so guilty that she later committed suicide. After a year of negotiations, Williams and the show’s producers settled for an undisclosed amount.

Among Lady Gaga’s backstage requirements: one plate of “non-smelly, non-sweaty cheese.”

EXTREME MAKEOVER: HOME EDITION
(ABC, 2003–present)

Premise:
A down-on-their-luck family gets a free new house.
Story #1:
Knowing that more people tune in when the family’s plight is
very
sad, producers circulated an internal e-mail (which was later leaked to the press) instructing casting agents to look for “skin cancer, Lou Gehrig’s disease, and muscular dystrophy.” If a family had more than one child with Down syndrome, they were prime picking, as were those with a child who’d been killed by a drunk driver. The biggest find: a family with a kid suffering from
Progeria
, the “little old man disease.”

Story #2:
Five African-American kids—Charles, Michael, Charis, Joshua, and Jeremiah Higgins—were left orphans when their parents died in 2004. They were taken in by two Caucasian members of their church, Firipeli and Lokilani Leomiti. But the boys discovered later that it was all a ploy by the Leomitis to get on the show and win a free addition to their house. After the episode aired in 2005, the couple allegedly kicked the boys out. The siblings sued ABC and the Leomitis for fraud and emotional distress. The kids lost the case after ABC’s lawyers argued that the five boys were only contracted to be “guests” in the Leomitis’ home (which doesn’t explain why, on the show, five bedrooms were added to the house).

THE BACHELOR
(ABC, 2002–present)
Premise:
Twenty-five women compete for the affections of a handsome, rich bachelor, who proposes marriage to the winner.
Story:
According to contestant Jeannette Pawula, “The producers know that alcohol ignites emotions, and you get better responses for TV.” Before the cameras rolled, she said, the women were given several glasses of wine. Then, if the sparks didn’t fly, the cameras shut off and trays of shots were carted out. “If you combine no sleep and no food with lots of alcohol,” said contestant Erica Rose, “emotions are going to run high and people are going to act crazy.”

The hairy frog breaks its own bones and pokes the ends through its skin to create defensive claws
.

I WAS BLIND,
BUT NOW I SEE

The lesson here: Never give up hope (and get a second opinion)
.

I
WAS (NEARLY) BLIND…
In 1941, when Malcolm Darby of Rutland, England, was two years old, he contracted measles and was left with extremely poor eyesight. Throughout his life, he had to wear thick eyeglasses and could barely see. Then, when Darby was 70, he suffered a stroke. A blood clot lodged in his brain and required surgery.

BUT NOW I SEE
. When Darby woke up after the operation, he couldn’t speak, but he could see a nurse in his room carrying a newspaper under her arm. And he saw not only the nurse, but the words printed in the newspaper, clear as day…without his glasses on. Doctors said that it’s not uncommon for patients to
lose
their eyesight after a stroke, but it’s extremely rare for anyone’s eyesight to improve. Darby has since recovered and is enjoying his new lease on life…except for one thing: “Before the stroke, I could speak French, and now I just can’t get a word of it out.”

I WAS DEAF…
Emma Hassell was perfectly healthy—until she had a miscarriage in 2002 and was told that she may never be able to conceive another child. Then, two years later, the 21-year-old British woman got engaged. While getting ready for her engagement dinner, Hassell went upstairs to take a shower when she noticed that her hearing was “muffled.” She heard a loud pop—and then couldn’t hear anything at all. “I remember shouting down to my mum that I was deaf,” she said, “but I don’t know how it happened.” Doctors didn’t, either. They found nothing physically wrong with her ears. Their conclusion: It was psychosomatic. Hassell tried hypnotherapy, counseling, and acupuncture, but she remained completely deaf. For the next six months, she and her fiancé struggled to adjust to her handicap. A week before Christmas, Hassell visited her doctor, who had great news for her: She was pregnant!

BUT NOW I HEAR:
That evening, Hassell was home alone watching
Will & Grace
on television. As she was reading the closed-captioned subtitles, it seemed like she could actually hear the words. She thought her mind was playing tricks on her. Then she started banging on a table and realized she
could
hear. Elated, she phoned her fiancé: “I can hear! I can hear!” He remained silent. “Now is not the time to be speechless,” she said. Doctors are still at a loss to explain how Hassell lost her hearing…and how she got it back. “I’d been dreading Christmas,” she said, “but not anymore!”

“A question that sometimes drives me hazy: Am I or are the others crazy?”—Albert Einstein

I WAS (HALF) BLIND…
While Don Karkos was serving on a Navy tanker in World War II, an explosion sent shrapnel flying into his face. When he woke up in the hospital, he was told that his right eye was permanently blind. Doctors offered to remove it, but Karkos said they might as well keep it in there “for looks.” He returned to his home in Maine and started a family. Having one functioning eye was difficult (he often bumped into walls and other people), but Karkos managed. By the time he was in his 80s, he was still working, tending horses at Monticello Raceway in New York. One day in 2006, he was in the stable adjusting some equipment on a horse named My Buddy Chimo. “I reached underneath his chest,” he recalled. “And when I did, my head was right next to his. All of a sudden, Chimo turned and he whacked me one on the head, and that was it.” It was the hardest that Karkos had been hit since the explosion in 1942.

BUT NOW I SEE
. Karkos spent the rest of the day in a haze; nothing seemed “right.” And that night, as he was walking down his hallway, he realized why. He put his hand over his good eye…and he could still see. “Holy s***!” was all he managed to say. The incident became known as the “Monticello Miracle,” and My Buddy Chimo has become a star—people come to the track just to touch him. “I’m getting him a big bag of carrots for Christmas,” Karkos said. “Do you know what a doctor would have charged for this?”

I WAS DEAD…
In January 2008, doctors told the family of 65-year-old Raleane “Rae” Kupferschmidt that she was brain-dead. It had been three weeks since she’d suffered a massive cerebral hemorrhage, and her vegetative state showed no signs of improving. In keeping with her wishes, a feeding tube was removed and life support was turned off. Given only hours to live, Kupferschmidt was taken to her Lake Elmo, Minnesota, home to die. She lay in her bed while her family gathered and made funeral arrangements.

Many nursing homes and physical therapy centers use the Nintendo Wii for “Wii-habilitation.”

BUT NOW I LIVE:
To keep her mother hydrated, Kupferschmidt’s daughter, Lisa Sturm, wet her lips with an ice cube…and the old woman started sucking on it. “I knew suckling is a very basic brain-stem function,” said Sturm, “so I didn’t get real excited. But when I did it again, she just about sucked the ice cube out of my hand. So I leaned down and asked, ‘Mom, are you in there?’” Her mother quietly replied, “Yes.” Sturm nearly fell over in shock. Kupferschmidt was rushed back to the hospital, where doctors drained blood from her skull to relieve pressure on her brain. Within a few weeks, Kupferschmidt was walking on her own and living a normal life again. She remembers almost nothing about her coma, except for: “Angels. They were here to help me, to help me get over this.”

I WAS PARALYZED…
In 1988 David Blancarte of Manteca, California, wrecked his motorcycle and ended up in a wheelchair. The former boxer and dancer went into a deep depression, but still managed to move on with life, eventually marrying and having a family. Then, 21 years after his accident, Blancarte, 48, was reportedly bitten by a poisonous brown recluse spider in his California home.