Uncle John's Bathroom Reader The World's Gone Crazy (73 page)

Thrower:
Crystal Samuel of Manning, South Carolina
Thrown:
A waffle

Story:
Samuel and some friends were waiting for a takeout order at a Waffle House restaurant early one morning in May 2009. Her friends got their meals, but Samuel was still waiting, so her friends started eating. A waitress told the group that they couldn’t eat from takeout containers in the restaurant. Samuel explained that she didn’t have her food yet, but the waitress told her they all had to leave. An argument ensued—and Samuel threw a waffle at the waitress. They both went outside, and the waitress walked to her car…and took out a gun and shot Samuel in the arm. The waitress, Yakeisha Ward, was charged with assault and battery with intent to kill. Samuel told reporters she thought the incident showed that the restaurant had “bad customer service.”

Throwers:
Three police officers in Gainesville, Florida
Thrown:
Eggs

Story:
One night in November 2008, three off-duty cops were out drinking until around 2:00 a.m. when they decided to do something stupid: They went to a convenience store, bought four dozen eggs, and drove to a part of town known to have a high concentration of prostitutes and drug dealers. The cops then cruised the streets and threw eggs at people. They were finally pulled over by another off-duty cop, who recognized them because he’d pulled them over once before—for doing the same thing. After an investigation, the officers were given a written warning. (The citizens of Gainesville can sleep soundly now.)

Every year Americans use enough plastic wrap to cover the entire state of Texas
.

Thrower:
William Singalargh of Whakatane, New Zealand
Thrown:
A hedgehog

Story:
Singalargh, 27, was arrested in June 2008 after getting into an argument with a 15-year-old boy. During the confrontation, Singalargh reportedly grabbed a hedgehog (no word on where he got it) and threw it at the kid. The porcupine-like creature struck the boy’s leg, causing several punctures and severe swelling. Singalargh was fined $500 for simple assault—the original charge of assault with a deadly weapon was dropped when the hedgehog was determined “not deadly enough.”

Thrower:
Andrew Mizsak Jr. of Bedford, Ohio
Thrown:
A plate of food

Story:
In May 2008, Mizsak and his father, Andrew Sr., got into an argument at the dinner table over young Andrew’s messy bedroom. The junior Mizsak threw a plate of food across the table and “made a fist” at his father when he was told to clean it up—and the father called 911 on him. But when police arrived, the senior Mizsak told them that he didn’t want to press charges against his son. Why? “I don’t want to ruin his political career,” he said. Andrew Mizsak Jr., who was a member of the Bedford school board, was 28 years old and lived in his parents’ basement. “I know this looks bad,” Mizsak Jr. told reporters.

Thrower:
Douglas Jones, 57, of La Quinta, California
Thrown:
Golf balls, tennis balls, and cans of fruits and vegetables
Story:
In 2007 park rangers in Joshua Tree National Park in Southern California began finding golf balls near roads in the park—lots of golf balls. It continued for more than two years, during which between 2,000 and 3,000 balls were found. In August 2009, rangers finally solved the mystery when someone spotted Douglas Jones throwing golf balls out of his car as he drove through the park. Jones immediately confessed, saying that he threw the balls to “leave his mark” and to honor deceased golfers. Park rangers said that Jones also threw cans of food, which he claimed were intended for people who became stranded. He was cited for abandoning property, littering—and unauthorized feeding of wildlife.

In 2005 North Korea launched an ad campaign telling men to cut their hair The campaign’s slogan: “Trim Our Hair According to Socialist Lifestyle.”

Thrower:
Taesani
Thrown:
A rock

Story:
A woman identified only as Ms. Kim went to a South Korean police station in 2009 to report that someone had thrown a rock at her. Who threw it? Taesani, an elephant at a Seoul zoo. Kim told officers that on a trip to the zoo, she’d noticed the elephant picking up a stone with its trunk, didn’t think much about it, turned around—and felt the rock suddenly hit the back of her head. Police investigated the incident, but there were no witnesses, and it happened outside the view of surveillance cameras. No charges were filed against the elephant.

TWO CRAZY PRODUCTS

Julie Jackson from Dallas, Texas (who once worked as an intern on
Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood)
invented two products that have us scratching our heads (and our cats’ heads, too)
.

• Subversive Cross-Stitch Kits—$20:
They look just like the sweet embroidery samplers that Grandma used to make, except these kits (fabric, thread, pattern, embroidery hoop, and two needles) lets you make cross-stitch patterns that spell out vulgar messages, including “Homo Sweet Homo” and “Shut Your Whore Mouth.”

• Wigs for Cats—$50:
As presented in her book
Glamourpuss: The Enchanting World of Kitty Wigs
, Jackson (along with photographer Jill Johnson and her Siamese cat, Boone) show off the many colors and styles of cat wigs. You can choose from Pink Passion, Bashful Blonde, Electric Blue, and Silver Fox.

Both of Jackson’s products have been huge sellers.

PANTS ON FIRE

These people can’t handle the truth!

C
RIME SPREE
A Panama City Beach, Florida, man called 911 from a store in 2009 and said that he’d been robbed: He was getting into his car after leaving the store, he said, when a man “dressed in black” hit him and took $100 in cash from him. Police watched the store’s surveillance video and saw the “victim” walk out of the store, sit in his car for a while, then go back inside to call 911. When confronted, the man admitted he lied…because he was afraid to tell his wife that he’d spent the $100. He was arrested.

SURE, THAT WILL WORK

In August 2009, more than 100 friends and family of cancer patient Trista Joy Lathern, 24, held a benefit in her honor at a tavern in Waco, Texas. They raised more than $10,000 for her…and she used the money to get breast-augmentation surgery. Lathern had lied to her family and friends about having cancer (she even shaved her head so she’d look like she’d undergone cancer treatment). When the hoax was found out, Lathern told police she wanted the boob job…in order to save her marriage. Her husband filed for divorce shortly after her arrest.

A DAY OFF (FROM THINKING)

Aaron Siebers, 29, of Denver, Colorado, used a small knife to stab himself in the legs, arms, and upper body one day in November 2009. He then called police and said that he’d been attacked by three men who were either Hispanic…or possibly skinheads. Police questioned his story, and Siebers finally admitted that he’d faked the attack. Why? Because he didn’t want to go to his job at a video store. He was arrested.

SHE’S A LIAR (WHEW!)

A woman wearing a bandanna over her face posted a video on an Internet site in January 2010 in which she claimed that she had HIV/AIDS—and that she had infected more than 500 men in Detroit, Michigan, with the disease. And, she said, she planned to infect more, because she wanted to “destroy the world.” Within a few days, more than half a million people had watched the video. Detroit police were able to quickly identify the woman: Jackie Braxton, 23, a Detroit adult-film actress. After she was arrested, she admitted to making the video—and said it was a hoax. (She volunteered to take an HIV test, and it came back negative.) Braxton said she started the hoax to raise awareness about AIDS. Police decided she had not committed a crime.
Bonus:
Braxton apparently
did
raise awareness in Detroit: Michael McElrath, a spokesman for the city’s health department, said that after the video went viral, the number of men who went to clinics for HIV testing in Detroit more than doubled.

In the U.K., it’s considered treason to place a postage stamp bearing the Queen’s image upside down
.

WHO
ARE
THESE GUYS?

A customer walked into Goomba’s Pizzeria in Palm Coast, Florida, in 2009 and demanded his money back: His calzone, he said, hadn’t been made properly. The owner of the pizzeria jumped over the counter and pistol-whipped the customer. Police were called, and the restaurant’s owner, Joseph Milano, was arrested. The victim, Richard Phinney, was taken to the hospital. A few weeks later, police learned that Joseph Milano wasn’t really Joseph Milano; his name was actually Joseph Calco—and he was a New York mobster who was in the Witness Protection Program. He was supposed to be lying low—and it was illegal for him to have a gun. Calco was arrested.

Bonus:
A few weeks after finding out that Milano had lied about his identity, police found out that the victim, Richard Phinney, had lied about his, too—when the real Richard Phinney came forward and reported that his identity had been stolen. The victim’s real name: Jack Kilburne, who was wanted for failure to pay child support. He was also arrested.

“Everything great in the world is done by neurotics; they alone founded our religions and created our masterpieces.”

—Marcel Proust

The “naked recreation and travel” industry has grown by 233% in the past decade
.

JUST PLANE WEIRD

Crazy tales of flying high—and not flying at all
.