Read Uncle John's Bathroom Reader The World's Gone Crazy Online
Authors: Bathroom Readers' Institute
Uncle John's Bathroom Reader The World's Gone Crazy (33 page)
“Is it weird in here, or is it just me?”
—Steven Wright
To demonstrate flaws in the patent system, in 2001 an Australian lawyer patented the wheel
.
With so much crime in the world, some states and businesses have adopted “zero-tolerance” policies. But sometimes they go a little too far
.
W
HOPPER, JR
.
Kaylin Frederich went into a Burger King in Sunset Hills, Missouri, with two relatives in August 2009. After the family had ordered their food and started eating, an employee told them that they had to leave—because Kaylin wasn’t wearing shoes, a violation of the restaurant’s “no shoes, no shirt, no service” policy. What was unusual about that? Kaylin was six months old at the time and was being carried by her mother because she wasn’t old enough to walk. Her mother, Jennifer Frederich, alerted the media, prompting a quick apology from Burger King.
GRANDMA METH-HEAD
Many states restrict or ban the sale of cold medicines that contain the ingredient pseudoephedrine because it can be used to make crystal methamphetamine. In Indiana, you can buy only a certain amount of pseudoephedrine-based medicines in a seven-day period (and you have to fill out a form). But 70-year-old Sally Harpold didn’t know that. One day in 2009, she bought a box of Zyrtec for her husband (who had allergies), and a few days later she bought her adult daughter some Mucinex-D for a cold. That was over the drug limit, so Harpold was arrested for intent to manufacture crystal meth. The charges were later dropped.
AN UNARMED MAN WALKS INTO A BANK
Steve Valdez of Tampa, Florida, went to a Bank of America in September 2009 to cash a check from his wife, but the bank refused. Why? Because B of A required a thumbprint as a form of identification, and Valdez could not provide one; he has two prosthetic arms. Even after presenting two forms of identification, he was denied and told by the manager to either come back with his wife or open an account. Bank of America later apologized to Valdez.
No pitstops! In 1999 Hank Harp drove the length of Britain (874 miles) on a motorized toilet
.
Maybe it’s just us, but there are a few things you just shouldn’t have to do to a toy—like shave it, or breast-feed it
.
S
HARP TOY
. In 2007 the toy company Zizzle introduced Jack Sparrow’s Spinning Dagger, a tie-in with the
Pirates of the Caribbean
movies. The toy, for kids “ages five and up,” consists of a plastic dagger attached to a wristband. With a flick of the wrist, the child can spin the dagger from a “concealed” position to one where it’s ready to stab—or at least ready to poke somebody’s eye out. Parents’ groups protested that the clearly dangerous toy lacked any kind of warning label.
HOMELESS TOY
. Mattel’s American Girl dolls are one of the most popular toy lines of the 2000s. Each doll represents a different era and has her own storyline: “Julie Albright” is a girl from San Francisco in the 1970s; “Kit Kitteridge” is from the ’30s. And then there’s a modern girl, “Gwen Thompson,” whose deadbeat dad walked out on the family, leaving her to be raised by her single mom…in a car. Cost: $95.
THIRSTY TOY
. Dolls that cry, eat, drink, poop, pee, and talk are old news. But Spanish toy company Berjuan went for a new level of realism: breast-feeding. Bebé Gloton (“Gluttonous Baby”) includes a special shirt that girls (target age: 8 to 10) put on. Bebé Gloton then latches on to a nipple on the shirt and makes sucking sounds. It’s available only in Spain.
ADULT TOY
. Obviously, Mattel couldn’t make a magic broomstick that actually flies. But their Nimbus 2000 (modeled on Harry Potter’s flying broomstick) should have been fine for kids playing make-believe, who would just put the foot-long toy between their legs and run around, pretending they were flying. The problem was that Mattel installed a battery that made the broomstick “simulate movement”…by vibrating. To recap: That’s a foot-long toy meant to be stuck between the legs that
vibrates
. The product was quickly discontinued.
Scorpions can survive being frozen solid for as long as three weeks
.
HAIRY TOY
. You Can Shave the Baby, a doll available only in Japan, is a baby with some unfortunate hair growth. Topped with a huge helmet of orange hair, the baby also sports hair “suspenders,” hairy ankles, and a nest of orange pubic hair that’s so overgrown that it looks like a diaper. Kids are supposed to have “fun” giving the baby a much-needed shave. (No word on whether the hair ever grows back.)
GROSS TOY
. The
placenta
is the organ that develops inside a woman’s uterus during pregnancy which nourishes the growing fetus. After childbirth it’s expelled, and normally it’s disposed of. But British designer Alex Green turns placentas into teddy bears. The skin of the five-inch tall toy is a placenta that’s been treated until it turns into a soft leather, then stuffed with brown rice. “Of course, a lot of people feel it’s grotesque,” said Green.
UNSETTLING TOY
. The German company Playmobil makes hundreds of different miniature play sets depicting everyday life, jobs, and fantasies, from suburban living rooms to hospitals to pirate ships. One of their weirder ones is the HAZMAT Disposal set. It consists of two action figures dressed head to toe in protective suits and helmets, along with large industrial vacuums, some “WARNING” signs…and a leaking plastic drum of toxic waste.
SEXY TOY
. Introduced in the U.K. in 2006, the Peekaboo Pole Dance was a collapsible, child-size stripper pole. It came complete with a CD of “stripping music,” a lacy garter, and a wad of play money. It was banned almost immediately.
ACTUAL WEB SITES DEDICATED TO HATING STUFF
The U.S. Congress is one of the few workplaces in the U.S. where it’s still legal to smoke indoors
.
Here’s a look at some of the more unusual mental conditions we’ve come across lately. (Uncle John has complained about having Exploding Head Syndrome more than once. The doctor says it’s all in his head.)
T
he Cotard Delusion
. In this condition, the sufferer perceives that he or she is dead, nonexistent, rotting away, or missing internal organs. The condition may be the result of a disconnect between two different parts of the brain: the part that recognizes faces and the part that responds emotionally to such recognition. When sufferers look at their reflection in the mirror and feel no emotional response or sense of self, the theory goes, they interpret this to mean that they are dead. The delusion is believed to be similar to one called the Capgras Delusion, in which the sufferer believes a loved one has been replaced by an identical-looking imposter.
Mirrored Self-Misidentification
. This is another self-perception disorder. When you look in the mirror, do you see yourself looking back at you? If so, you can check this mental illness off your “What’s wrong with me?” list. People suffering from Mirrored Self-Misidentification believe they see someone else staring back at them. In severe cases, the sufferer may even believe that the “other” person is following them around. Like the Cotard Delusion, Capgras Delusion, Reduplicative Paramnesia (see next page), and similar disorders, Mirrored Self-Misidentification is often experienced as a
monothematic delusion
—it’s the only delusion the person suffers from. They perceive the world normally…except for the person in the mirror who keeps following them around.
Exploding Head Syndrome
. This condition causes the sufferer to “hear” a loud noise going off as they drop off to sleep, or when they wake up in the middle of the night. To the sufferer, the sound—which has been described as similar to a firecracker going off, a gun being fired, or an electrical short circuit—seems to be coming from inside his or her own head. While Exploding Head Syndrome can be quite startling—some sufferers believe they are having a stroke or hearing actual gunfire—the condition is usually painless and always harmless. And since the sound is imagined, not real, it doesn’t damage hearing. The cause is unknown.