Uncle John's Bathroom Reader The World's Gone Crazy (15 page)

MODERN PIRACY

The Somali pirates that we see on the news are a far cry from the peg-legged, parrot-shouldered, arrrr-sayin’ marauders of yesteryear. Instead of swords and periscopes, these new pirates carry assault rifles and satellite phones. And, as twisted as it may seem, they’ve become folk heroes to a nation in turmoil
.

T
HE MOST DANGEROUS PLACE ON EARTH
Few countries are more unstable and chaotic than Somalia. Located on the Horn of Africa, the continent’s easternmost point, Somalia lies right next to the Gulf of Aden and its busy shipping lanes, carrying passengers and cargo from all over the world.

In 1991 Somalia’s government collapsed, leaving its nine million citizens to endure two decades of insurgencies, civil war, genocide, famine, drought, corruption, and crime. In 2008 more than 1,800 civilians were killed in violent clashes, and by the next year, more than 1.3 million people were displaced within Somalia and another 330,000 had fled to neighboring countries. Thousands more died from starvation and disease. Although there’s now a U.N.-backed government in power, it’s spending most of its resources fighting a fringe Islamic insurgency. And with no navy patrolling Somalia’s waters, other nations have taken the opportunity to overfish the waters and dump their toxic waste there. But it’s in those same waters that many Somalis see their salvation.

SEEKING NEW OPPORTUNITIES

With little hope at home and few prospects if they flee, some young Somali men have taken to a life of piracy. It’s not much more dangerous than trying to survive on the war-torn streets, and the pay is a lot better: A pirate can make $10,000 for a successful raid. (Somalia’s average wage is below $650 per year.)

Attacking from speedboats and armed with AK-47 assault rifles and rocket-propelled grenades, pirates stop ships and rob them of cash and equipment. The real prize, however, comes from taking hostages and collecting ransom for their release. The practice has become so profitable that at any given time, there are at least 200 hostages being held in the Gulf of Aden by Somali pirates. “They have a great business model,” according to Admiral Rick Gurnon, head of the Massachusetts Maritime Academy. “See ships, take ransom, and make millions.” Says one young pirate, “Foreign navies can do nothing to stop piracy.”

Chinese gym coach Xiao Lin rents himself out as a punching bag for stressed women
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DAVID VS. GOLIATH

Just how brash
are
Somali pirates? No ship is too big to take on, and no ransom demand is too high. But that doesn’t mean they don’t sometimes bite off more than they can chew:

• In 2005 the U.S. cruise ship
Seabourn Spirit
was carrying 311 crew and passengers through the Gulf of Aden. Two speedboats carrying 10 pirates raced up and started firing machine guns and grenades at the liner. The
Spirit’s
security team blasted the pirates with a high-pressure water cannon and then pierced their eardrums with an LRAD, or Long Range Acoustic Device, which emits a debilitating sound wave. The confrontation ended when the massive cruise ship simply ran over one of the speedboats.

• In 2006 two U.S. Navy warships spotted a suspicious vessel towing two fishing boats 25 miles off Somalia’s coast. This is a standard tactic for pirates: One medium-size “mothership” tows two smaller boats, which carry out the raids. The warships tailed the pirates through the night, and at dawn the Navy sent two boats to investigate. The pirates opened fire on the boarding party. It was the first attack on a U.S. Navy ship in the 21st century. The destroyers easily disabled the fishing boats.

• Seven Somali pirates spotted what appeared to be a commercial tanker on the horizon in March 2009. They approached it and started firing at its hull. But it wasn’t a commercial ship…and it wasn’t alone. Belonging to the German navy, the heavily armed tanker was participating in “Operation Atalanta”—a military operation designed to combat piracy. The pirates turned around and fled, but by then they’d attracted the attention of an international fleet that included two Greek warships, a Dutch frigate, a Spanish warship, a U.S. Navy amphibious assault ship, several Spanish fighter planes, and two U.S. Marine Cobra helicopters. The armada easily captured the pirates.

•
On November 29, 2009, about 800 miles off Somalia’s coast, pirates closed in on the
Maran Centaurus
, a Greek vessel carrying a crew of 28 people…and two million barrels of crude oil, worth $150 million. The pirates boarded the ship and captured the crew—who didn’t dare fight back because a single shot could have ignited the oil and blown up the ship. What followed was a month-and-a-half-long standoff, which lasted until the ship’s owner agreed to the ransom demands on January 18, 2010. But shortly before delivery, a rival group of pirates sped up to the ship, firing their weapons, determined to grab the ransom for themselves. The pirates onboard the
Maran Centaurus
, knowing how combustible the cargo was, actually radioed an anti-piracy task force for help. A nearby warship dispatched two helicopters to protect the ship
and
the pirates. A short time later, a plane flew over and dropped a package containing $9 million—the largest haul in the history of Somali piracy. The hostages, all unharmed, were released. And the pirates took their loot back home.

Some Indian villages have a “No toilet, no bride” policy Men may not marry unless they have a toilet
.

BIG BUSINESS

As violent as these pirates are, they’re fairly tame compared to other crime syndicates. According to Steve Rosenbush of
Portfolio.com
, “For their part, at a time when terrorists and global drug cartels from Mexico to Brazil have pushed violence to mind-numbing levels, the Somali pirates seem positively businesslike, avoiding unnecessary gunplay and raising capital in an orderly fashion on a small stock exchange.” Stock exchange? Yes—in Somalia investors can buy shares of pirate operations and collect dividends after ransom money is delivered. This is the new face of piracy: well-organized plunderers who employ accountants…and even publicists to make statements to the media. And the well-insured shipping companies have come to expect piracy as a cost of doing business in the Gulf of Aden, so they’re likely to quietly give in to the demands rather than risk losing a crew, passengers, or cargo. The emboldened Somali pirates have even started patrolling their shores as a makeshift coast guard, running off fishing trawlers and capturing boats that dump their waste.

And much of the hundreds of millions of dollars made by Somali pirates each year goes straight back into the country’s tattered economy. As a result, poor coastal towns are starting to thrive again…and the pirates are looked upon as heroes in a country that has had little to cheer about for decades.

REALITY BLIGHTS

Even “normal” reality shows are weird. But these are not normal reality shows
.

S
uperstar USA
(2004, The WB)
Contestants on this show were told that they were in a singing competition, but they were actually being judged for their
lack
of singing ability. The show’s producers also told the live audience that the singers were terminally ill patients who were getting their last wishes fulfilled by the Make-A-Wish Foundation. The “winner,” a tone-deaf woman named Jamie Foss, won $50,000.

Mr. Personality
(2003, Fox)

This derivation of
The Bachelor
featured a woman choosing from a series of men. The twist was that she could judge potential mates only on their personalities—because all the men wore gruesome masks. The show was hosted by Monica Lewinsky (famous for her scandalous relationship with President Bill Clinton).

Dating in the Dark
(2009, ABC)

Another
Bachelor
variation, this show asked single people to pick partners based on personality instead of looks, but it upped the ante even more: They had to choose each other entirely in the dark. The show was shot with night-vision cameras, allowing viewers to watch the contestants not only flirt, but also bump into walls and each other.

My Bare Lady
(2006, U.K.)

Four American adult-film stars attempted to become legitimate actresses by performing scenes from classic musicals (including
My Fair Lady
) alongside British theater actors.

Gimme My Reality Show
(2008, Fox Reality)

Contestants from
other
reality shows competed on
this
reality show to win a contract to star in
another
reality show. It aired on the Fox Reality Channel, a short-lived network that showed only reality shows. Really.

Biggest complaint of office workers: The office is too cold. Second biggest: The office is too hot
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KILLER ’ROOS

As Australia’s population grows and more space is needed to put a couple shrimp on the barbie and throw back a few coldies, boomers are getting hopping mad at the humans encroaching on their territory—and they’re starting to fight back
.

D
ate:
October 27, 1996
Victim:
Steven Shorten, 13, of Grafton, New South Wales
Attack!
Steven was playing a round of golf at the Grafton District Golf Club when he hit a wayward shot into some tall grass. As he wandered into the grass to find the ball, he heard a sound “like the growling of a dog.” He looked up…and just a few yards away was a six-foot-tall “boomer,” or large male kangaroo. Before Steven could react, the animal leapt at him, grabbed him, threw him to the ground, and began to stomp on him with its powerful hind legs. Another golfer finally scared off the animal and Steven was rushed to the hospital, where he was treated for a fractured cheekbone and deep gouges all over his body. He couldn’t open one eye for a year, but eventually recovered from his wounds.

D
ate:
June 2003

Victims:
Doug and Pauline Lawson of Monto, Queensland
Attack!
Pauline Lawson looked out a window one day and saw her husband Doug running toward the house, screaming, with his face covered in blood. Doug ran into the house, and a large kangaroo hopped in after him—and began attacking both Doug and Pauline in their kitchen. The duo fought back with hands, feet, a broom, and a water hose until it finally left. The Lawsons were both badly bruised and scratched but not seriously injured. And that same animal is believed to have struck again…

Date:
July 2003

Victims:
John and Helen Crouch of New South Wales
Attack!
During a vacation in Monto, the site of the previous attack, the Crouches were standing outside their motor home when a huge kangaroo seemingly appeared out of nowhere and pounced on Helen. It gouged her on the face, back, and groin (kangaroos have stout, sharp claws on both their front and back legs) before John was able to get the animal off her. Then the kangaroo turned on him. “It was kill or be killed,” said John. He grabbed an axe and struck the kangaroo several times before finally killing it. Authorities believe it was the same animal that had attacked the Lawsons. It was probably driven by hunger because the area was suffering a severe drought.