Uncle John's Bathroom Reader The World's Gone Crazy (14 page)

WE’RE IN THE WRONG BUSINESS

Most cell-phone carriers charge customers 20 cents for each text message. Actual cost to the provider: about a third of a cent. That’s a markup of 6,000 percent.

Philips Design sells an emotion-sensing bracelet. It lights up when you’re stressed
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CAN WE PLEASE HAVE
OUR (BLANK) BACK?

If you guessed the missing word was “lung,” you’re on the right track
.

C
an We Please Have Our ROAD SIGNS Back?
Police in Lincoln, Nebraska, went to a garage sale in May 2009 at the home of 42-year-old Bradley Hillhouse. And they arrested him. Why? Because he was selling road signs, 47 of them, that were owned by either local cities or the state of Nebraska. Possession of road signs is a Class II misdemeanor in Nebraska, punishable by up to six months in jail and $1,000 in fines (for each sign). Police had learned about the signs because Hillhouse had posted photos of them, and himself, on the Web site Craigslist to advertise the garage sale.

Can We Please Have Our TWO-HEADED TURTLE Back?
Sean Casey, owner of the Hamilton Dog House pet shop in Brooklyn, New York, reported in August 2008 that the store’s pet turtle, which had two heads, had disappeared from the shop. Casey had gotten the yellow-bellied cooter turtle from someone in Florida, he said, who had hatched it from rescued eggs after the mother turtle was killed by a car. Two-headedness is very rare in turtles, Casey said, adding that he’d take the turtle back without asking any questions because he was worried that it wouldn’t get the special care it needed. It had to be kept in shallow water, for example, and because the two independently thinking heads didn’t work together, it was unable to right itself if it flipped over. And it had to be fed by hand, one head at a time—otherwise the two heads would fight over the food. Casey offered a $1,000 reward for the turtle, and at last report, it was still missing.

Can We Please Have Our ALMOST EVERYTHING Back?
One day in March 2008, an ad appeared on the Craigslist Web site saying that a man in Jacksonville, Oregon, needed to move away suddenly and was leaving all of his possessions behind. Everything he owned, it said—including a horse—would be left at his house, free to anyone who wanted it. The problem was that the owner of the house, Robert Salisbury, didn’t place the ad. And he wasn’t moving. He was staying at a worksite about 50 miles away when he got a call from a local woman who tracked him down because she thought the ad seemed suspicious. As he rushed home, Salisbury flagged down a truck that was full of stuff he recognized—ladders, a lawn mower, and work gear from his job as a contractor. The truck got away, but when Salisbury got home, he found 30 people ransacking his house. After subpoenaing Craigslist for posting records, police located and arrested Brandon and Amber Herbert, who had posted the ad to cover up the fact that they’d stolen some saddles and other materials from Salisbury’s property at an earlier date.

How about you? About 15,000 Americans are currently in a coma
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Can We Please Have Our LUNG Back?
In October 2009, “Bodies: The Exhibition,” a traveling science exhibit featuring human cadavers, was visiting Lima, Peru, when they announced that a lung had been stolen while it was on display. The Atlanta-based owners of the show offered a $2,000 reward for the return of the stolen organ. A few days later, an anonymous tipster called and said they could find it outside the exhibit in a plastic bag. No one tried to collect the reward. “In the whole world,” an exhibition spokeswoman said, “this has never happened.”

Can We Please Have Our TOILET SEAT Back?
In August 2009, Trev Inwood, owner of the Belfast Tavern in Christchurch, New Zealand, called police to tell them that someone had stolen a “very significant” 20-year-old plastic toilet seat from the pub’s restroom. Why was it so important? The Belfast Tavern is a regular watering hole for celebrities, he said, and the butts of many famous people had sat on the seat. “It’s got a lot of history,” he said. “Prime ministers have sat on that thing.” Inwood offered a $100 reward for information leading to the return of the toilet seat, which he described as “well-used, with a few burn marks and stains.”

Washday worries: Dryers cause about 15,000 house fires each year, more than any other appliance
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POINT & SHOOT

Three stories to reinforce the fact: Guns are not toys!

N
OT QUITE SUPERMAN
In 2009 a Falmouth, Massachusetts, man bragged to a friend that if the friend shot a BB gun at him from across the room…he’d catch the pellet with his bare hand. So the friend picked up the gun and pulled the trigger. Good news: The man actually did snatch the BB out of the air with his hand. Bad news: The BB ended up lodged
in
his hand. He later explained to police at the hospital that the whole incident was just an “accident gone wrong.”

RUSSIAN TO THE HOSPITAL

Two teenage boys—William Rafferty, 18, and a 16-year-old friend (not named in press reports)—were at a girl’s house in Norwell, Massachusetts. The boys decided to go back to Rafferty’s house, but before they did, they stole a snub-nosed revolver from her father’s safe. Then they decided to play a game of Russian roulette. Rafferty pointed the gun at his head and pulled the trigger. Nothing happened. He handed it to his friend. Showing a
little
more sense, the boy aimed the gun at his thigh…and shot himself. Louellyn Lambros, Rafferty’s mom, drove him to the hospital, where she covered up for the boys, telling police that an intruder shot her son’s friend. When the girl’s father showed up to report the stolen gun, police arrested mom and son on a long list of charges.

BIG SHOT

Lukas Neuhardt, 27, of Saarbruecken, Germany, wanted to impress his friends with “something big.” He thought carrying a loaded pistol would be pretty impressive, so he hid a gun in his pants pocket. Only problem: He forgot to put the safety catch on. Sure enough, the pistol went off, blasting a hole in Lukas’ pocket (and his “manhood”). To avoid embarrassment, he told paramedics that he’d been shot by a masked attacker. But the cops noticed that Lukas had a bullet hole inside his pocket and not on his pants. Doctors got his parts back in working order, but now he’s facing three years in prison for breaking Germany’s strict gun laws.

The International Pole Dancing Fitness Association is trying to make pole dancing an Olympic sport
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THAT GUY IN THE UPPER
DECK IS GYRATING

He entertains most of the fans in the stands—and frightens a few. And he’s
everywhere.
Just who is this mysterious sports nut?

F
AN-SPASTIC
When Cameron Hughes attends a sporting event, he never goes unnoticed. It’s not just that he’s a husky, six-foot-tall man with fiery red hair sitting in the cheap seats. No matter how well or badly the home team is doing, he cheers into his megaphone, jumps up and down, pumps his fists—whatever it takes to get the fans around him excited. And in really desperate times—like when the home team is getting shellacked—Hughes does his infamous “stripper dance”: Slowly, he removes one of his 10 or so layered T-shirts, holds it up over his head, twirls it in the air, and then throws it. Then he starts gyrating. “I’m
that
guy,” he says, “the funny, happy, dancing, possibly very drunk guy you’ve seen at the ballpark at least once.”

Is he crazy? You might think so—and you might think he owns his own jet if you’ve noticed him cheering wildly at a Los Angeles Lakers game one night, a Toronto Blue Jays baseball game a few days later, and a Detroit Red Wings hockey game a few days after that. And then he’s off to do his thing at a high-school football game in Duluth. And at every venue, it’s always the same schtick: Cheer, jump, and dance.

And he never has to buy a ticket.

ALL THE STADIUM’S A STAGE

For 15 years, Hughes has been a “fan for hire”—teams pay him anywhere from $1,000 to $2,500 just to show up and be himself. It adds up to a lucrative career: Working more than 80 games per year, Hughes earns somewhere in the “six figures” (he won’t say how much).

It all began, quite humbly, when Hughes didn’t make it onto his high-school basketball squad in 1989. Still wanting to help the team, he played his part from the bleachers by painting the school’s colors on his face, waving homemade signs, and cheering louder than anyone else. Later, at Bishop’s University in Quebec, Hughes took the job of “Melonhead,” the team’s mascot.

Oregon, New Mexico, and Alabama all have annual UFO festivals
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And then destiny found him at an Ottawa Senators hockey game in 1994. More than a little drunk at the time, Hughes recalls, “I started dancing to ‘We Are Family,’ and everyone was like, ‘What is he doing?’ Then they all started clapping and cheering, and I thought, ‘Uh-oh, what did I just do?’ After the game, the team communications guy came up to me and said, ‘We want to hire you.’” Hughes took the gig, and then got another job (at $300 per game) cheering for the Toronto Maple Leafs. Hughes knew he’d found his true vocation—a professional sports nutcase.

The theory goes this way: If the fans sitting around him start acting a little nuttier, then the fans near
them
might get more excited as well. And hopefully that energy will transfer down to the home team and will translate into more wins. That’s what the teams who employ him hope, anyway.

WORKPLACE HAZARDS

The job may look like nothing but fun, but it isn’t easy. To stay in shape, Hughes trains by doing high-intensity aerobic workouts. And though he appears drunk when he’s doing his routine, he isn’t; his klutzy moves are all carefully choreographed, and three Red Bull energy drinks are usually enough to get him through the game. And with all the gyrating, Hughes gets his share of blisters, bleeding palms, bruises, sprains, and twisted ankles. At one game, he had to be rushed to the hospital suffering from dehydration. He’s also been known to upset grumpy fans, who have retaliated with hot popcorn, boos, and, in some cases, violence. Once, security didn’t get to him in time and Hughes was pushed down a flight of stairs.

So does all this effort actually help the home team play better? Hughes believes it does. So does Amanda Greco, a team official for the NBA’s Cleveland Cavaliers: “Having Cameron there adds just a little extra energy to the crowd, and it definitely gives the players an extra advantage.”

“It’s not just a job,” Hughes insists, “It’s something I live to do.”

Anton-Babinski Syndrome is a rare condition in which a blind person doesn’t realize they are blind
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