Happy Chaos (22 page)

A few months ago my girls went through a phase of acting a little edgy. I couldn't figure it out, the eye rolls and flipping of the hair. I kept thinking to myself,
What in the world is going on
? They had a favorite movie that they loved watching. Every few days, I would let them indulge in it. One day as I was sitting with them watching it, I noticed one of the characters acting out. In that moment I realized they were copying the character. I then sat down with them and explained that the girl on-screen was playing someone who is not nice and that she is a character and we don't want to copy what she does. They really listened to what I said and took it to heart. Now if a character in a movie is acting out, Poet will say, “Don't worry, Mommy. I won't act like that.” This can happen with friends, commercials, and just observation of the people and world around us. They are human sponges, so I always try to pay attention to what is going on in their environment and have a deeper understanding so that I can help guide them through it.

So next time you're at the dinner table, or you're watching a television show, and you're discussing situations where people hurt the feelings of others, talk it through. I believe communication is the best recipe for connecting with our little ones.

Question of the day: How do you talk to your kids about difficult subjects?

“I talk to them like people. I don't break it down in baby language—if they don't understand, they ask for explanations.”

—Cari

“Openly and honestly. I want my girls to be able to come to me with any problem, no matter what it is. I try to keep it simple, though, so it's easier to process. Sometimes that approach doesn't work out too well, though. When explaining to my 5 year old what her daddy does (he's in the army), I told her ‘He is protecting people from bad guys.' Her response was ‘Like zombies?'”

—Dana

“I have found that telling the truth to my daughter has her coming back to me time after time to ‘get the truth.' No matter how tough the issue, I stick to the facts. I also try to tell her what I did at her age in that situation & what I would have done differently & the outcomes that are possible.”

—Kimberly

 

L
ately it's really hit me how fleeting everything is. The time we have on this earth, the time we have with our babies, and our families, and our dear friends—it's all incredibly short, and so precious.

Bryten Goss was one of my best friends since kindergarten. As an adult he became a highly regarded artist. Then, at age thirty, he took a trip to Mexico for an art project, and when he came home, a virus attacked his heart. He died a few weeks later. It was a horrible shock to all of us who loved him. His amazing mother, Rose Goss, would always say, “There's the time you're born, the time you die, and the dash in between. The important thing is what you do with that dash.” This is such a beautiful sentiment that I've never forgotten it.

Bryten and me at one of his art showings

 

Bryten's life was way too short, but what he did with that dash he spent with us was incredible. He traveled the world and painted places that drew you into his world so completely. You would look at his artwork and it was as if he had lived a thousand lives before because he was that deep and soulful.

I've been blessed to know so many wonderful people who have done inspiring things with their dash on this earth. And they have made my world so much more colorful, rich, and meaningful.

My godfather, Joseph, was the patriarch of our family, and he and I were incredibly close. He was a truly amazing director, and he always encouraged me in all of my creative pursuits. When I wrote my first screenplay, a gangster story called
Blood and Brotherhood
, he was the first person I sent it to. He was there when I was born, and he walked me down the aisle when Jason and I got married. Joseph was there for every important milestone in my life.

Not too long before Poet was born, we found out that Joseph had cancer. No one wanted to hold on to life more than Joseph did, and he pursued every treatment imaginable. He didn't miss a single big event in my life, even when he was terribly sick—he and my amazing godmother, Patricia, traveled all the way from Hawaii for my baby shower, and they stayed for Poet's birth. One of my most treasured memories is when Joseph held Poet in the hospital.

Before Joseph's health really started to fail, he had gone to Bhutan to make a documentary on solar power. It was his dying wish to finish the movie, so we made a bedroom for him in our house in Los Angeles, and we set up ramps so we could wheel him into the house. In our dining room, we installed a television, and there Joseph and his editor finished the movie.

While he stayed with us, Joseph and I had long conversations every evening, and I'm still so grateful for that intense, beautiful time with him. This was back when Poet was just a baby, and she'd cry at night. I remember I'd come down in the morning and ask Joseph if Poet had kept him awake. He'd smile and say, “It just makes me realize I'm still alive.” One of the last days he was with us in LA, even though he was weak with pain, he insisted on stopping to get Poet the biggest Halloween pumpkins you've ever seen. And that was just the nature of who he was. He was going to live life to the fullest as long as he could.

Soon it became clear that he only had a few months to live, and he and Patricia wanted to go back to Hawaii for his final weeks. I talked to him constantly over the next few months, and then the first week of January I spoke to him and he said, “Get out here soon.” I asked him to promise that he'd wait for me, and he did. But again he said, “Just get here soon.”

I left the next day with Poet and Tori. By the time we got to Hawaii, we were exhausted, and we were juggling Poet, the luggage, and finding the rental car—in the rain. We were supposed to find the place where we were staying that night and then go to my godparents' house the next day, but I felt desperate. I couldn't find it, and something told me to just to go to my godparents' place and get my bearings. So I pulled off at their house, and Joseph was there, awake with a smile. He gave me a kiss and told me he loved me. Poet woke up in the car, so Tori brought her into the house, and Joseph got to see her. Then we left for the night.

By the next morning Joseph had started slipping away, and just days later he was gone.

I was always close to my godmother, and in the time since Joseph passed away, our relationship has grown only deeper. Our love has continued to grow, and the moments we spend when we are together, up until the late-night hours talking, are some of the most precious in my life, and ones I hold closest to my heart. She is truly remarkable.

I wouldn't be who I am if it weren't for Bryten, Joseph, and all the other dear friends I've known and lost. They are all still alive in me and those who loved them—which is exactly what we tell our girls. Bryten's legacy is in the art he made and the lives he touched. Joseph was one of the most creative, brilliant, and passionate people you could ever meet. He left behind a lifetime of incredible work and family who love him endlessly. He loved life and every breath of beauty that he took in. He is still such a huge part of our lives and our children's; they wave to him in the sunset, and look up and see him in the stars—and remember that amazing, inspiring dash he spent with us.

My godfather, Joseph, and me at my baby shower for Poet

What have been your favorite moments in life? Take the time to write down your most special memories so far and how you will inspire yourself and your children to make the most of the dash in between. Today I was watching my husband holding our daughters, and I literally held that moment close to my heart throughout the afternoon. I thought about how that was part of my dash. It is so easy to rush through life, but I really try to take time to treasure the moments. When you feel yourself getting overwhelmed, take a beat and think about what is really important. When we look back thirty or forty years from now, will it be the one deadline we reflect on, or the morning we dropped our kids off late for school? No, it will be the laughter and tears, the first steps, the birthdays, the growing, the weddings, the love, and the people we shared our lives with.

My girls ask me hard questions all the time. I used to ask my mother a thousand questions and now my kids are doing the exact same thing with me. The other day at breakfast Poet asked me, “Mom, what happens when we die?” I took a breath and then I said that everyone believes in different things. Some people think that we become stars in the sky and other people believe that we go to another place, somewhere that is beautiful and where the skies have cotton candy clouds. She and her sister smiled softly and then ran off to play. Sometimes our kids ask us questions that are really tough for us to answer, but I truly believe that compassion can help them evolve into incredible people. All of these questions and wonders about their world are so pivotal to the essence of their being and the dash that they create along the way.

Question of the day: What kinds of rules do you have in your house?

“My kids are toddler & preschool age. So our main rules are: be kind to each other, remember that the dog's water isn't a Little People pool, and no flipping off the back of the sofa.”

—Amy

“No TV or computer on Sundays; dinner every night with everyone in the family; and no phone calls during meals; if my kids are slow to get out of bed for school in the morning, they must go to bed earlier that night; everyone must do their best to show respect for one another, otherwise they get in trouble.”

—Irene

“The rules are pretty broad at our house: Love each other. Don't speak harsh words. Put your dirty clothes in the hamper. :) Share. Be helpful.”

—JoyfulTxGal

“The kids have to try whatever food is put in front of them—at least one bite. No one gets called ‘stupid.' Everyone gets a hug, kiss and ‘I love you' from everyone before bed.”

—Kelly F.

“Rules? Not enough! I'm going to end with that so that I don't incriminate myself lol!”

—Lisa U.

 

As
you have probably figured out by now, my mom's house was a totally free-spirited Nirvana kind of place. No one had what you would call a traditional job, and no one kept what you would call traditional hours. We often ate dinner cross-legged on the floor, we had a houseful of animals, and we almost always had a houseful of people—and nobody was waiting for an invitation. But manners were important to my mom—at least the really important ones, like saying “please” and “thank you.” And even when we were sitting on the floor to eat, we always took a few quiet moments to appreciate our blessings.