Happy Chaos (24 page)

I'm happy to think of all the wonderful things my girls are going to experience—even if it makes me sad when I realize I won't always be there to see them. One of these days I know I'm going to have to set them free and share my girls with the world just like my mom did with me. Then Poet and Jagger can have their own adventures—without me. And I'll be here, waiting for them to come home and tell me everything. Or at least call.

I find myself saying every day, “You will always be Mommy's little baby forever.” I say this over and over again, and I'm not sure if my kids like to hear it as much as I like to say it. It's probably my way of telling myself that no matter how far from the nest my kids wander, something will always bring them back. I just hope that wandering time doesn't come too fast.

It's hard to watch our children grow up, but at the same time we want to encourage them to be their own people. Writing a letter is a great way to show your love throughout time. One of my favorite things to do is to write my girls letters at different stages in their lives. I tell them about the people they are and how much they inspire me. I seal the envelope, and one day I hope that we get to read them together or that they will read them on their own. I want them to be able to reflect on the children that they were and see that throughout the different steps in their lives, Mom and Dad were there for them and loved them always with an open heart.

You might not be ready to send your five-year-old to camp, but your five-year-old can help choose clothes and even have fun getting themselves dressed. Just the other day Poet said, “Mom, I'm going to get myself dressed.” I replied, “Okay.” She came out in a colorful outfit that she had put together herself. It was unique and she was proud. I complimented her on what a great job she had done, and she felt really good about it. I think being aware of the power we have to build our children's spirit is so important to how we raise our little ones. And even if it is hard when your kid walks in with hot pink cowboy boots, mismatched socks, and a crazy-looking top, it's better to make them feel good about their choice and enjoy it for a little while than to knock them down. That free spirit is an amazing thing and can really help define the people they grow into. Who knows, you may have a future fashion designer in the making.

Last night the girls and I made a big feast for Jason. I asked Poet if she could help me make a Caprese salad. I then washed and sliced the tomatoes and basil. I gave her mozzarella and green olives to decorate the plate. She pulled a chair over to the counter, washed her hands, and started creating the most beautiful Caprese salad I have ever seen. I didn't try to change what she was doing or constantly correct her. I allowed her creative freedom to make it her own. She was so happy with it when she was finished, and both she and Jagger were thrilled when Jason came home from work and his face lit up seeing what they had created. So whether it is having your kids help in the kitchen, clean their rooms, help around the house, or create their own fashions, let them exercise a little independence while allowing them to do it in their own unique way.

My amazing achievements at summer camp :) lol

Question of the day: How do you plan on telling your kids where babies come from and at what age?

“I explained generally when my kids were about 10. But they don't know the specifics about sex yet. I don't think they are mature enough to hear that yet. I think it depends on the child though. Some might be ready to hear sooner than others.”

—Sheila

“Straightforward, lots of love and care, and when the conversations with my children lead to those topics.”

—Nicole P.

“Uh, I have an 11-year-old boy so my husband has already started the series of ‘talks' with him. He will tell our sons and I will tell our daughters. So far, whenever any of them have asked a question about where babies come from, I tell them simple truthful answers.”

—Irene

“When they are ready. The first time my son asked he was 5. I told him. I didn't use technical terms, I explained it in language he could understand. I did the same when he asked two years later, and last year when he asked I told him again. That time it stuck.”

—Allen

 

I
had endless adventures as a kid, and I got to do amazing things and meet fascinating people. No matter how much I did and saw, though, I still felt and acted like a kid. It's all thanks to my mother, who always worked incredibly hard to protect my innocence. When I was traveling for
Punky
, Tori usually came along with me, and instead of taking us shopping or out to a fancy restaurant, my mom would find out where the nearest carnival was and take us there.

I hope to do the same for my girls—expose them to lots of wonderful things, while not rushing them to grow up any faster than they already are. I know that it's easier said than done, though. I was at a party a few weeks ago and there was a nine-year-old girl all decked out in the height of tween fashion, carrying a purse and making calls on a cell phone. I was kind of horrified, but then I asked myself,
What about when my girls are a little older and they go someplace without me—will I want them to be able to call me, and will I give them a cell phone to use?
I guess I'll find out when the time comes!

I've always said that Poet is five going on fifteen at times, so I already know what it's like to gently put on the brakes. When we go into a clothing store, of course she gravitates to the brightest, most sparkly outfits, and she went through a stage where she absolutely refused to wear pants. So finally I convinced her to wear leggings under her bright, spinny skirts. I'd love to get her into a pair of jeans, but who am I to squelch her free expression, especially when it comes to clothes? Especially since my idea of getting dressed when I was little was to decorate myself head to toe in finger paints and wear nothing but a pair of roller skates.

My friend Danny Masterson will never let me forget that I'm responsible for robbing him of just a little bit of his innocence way back in preschool. Let's just say that I had a bit of a problem with underwear. Meaning: I refused to wear any. And I didn't really like pants, either. In fact, the only type of clothing that my mother could get me to wear without com - plaint was oversize T-shirts—and nothing else. The preschool agreed to allow me to go to school dressed like that, but given the lack of underwear, they asked my mother to make sure that my T-shirts were especially long. Right around that time, the boys at school launched “Flip-up Fridays,” when they'd flip up the girls' skirts. Danny said he got his first introduction to female anatomy when he flipped up my T-shirt.

My incredible friend Danny Masterson and me at five years old. I still have the picture in the same seventies frame on my mantel.

 

Our kids are learning all kinds of lessons from the world around them—and some take us by surprise. One of my favorite movies is
Grease
—I have an obsession with both
Grease
and
Grease 2
that has lived on through my girls. Remember in the “Happy Birthday” chapter when I told you about Poet's fifth-birthday party? It had a
Grease
theme and was as fun for me as it was for them. But even I gulped a little when we watched
Grease
together for the first time and we got to the make-out part (which I had conveniently forgotten all about).

Poet has seen enough kissing in movies to have some ideas about how and why it's done. These days her main response to the concept is “yuck,” but those curious wheels are already starting to turn in her head. A month or so ago she was riding along in the backseat of our car when suddenly she asked us, “How did you and Mommy have me?” So Jason said that he and I love each other, and then we made her together. That seemed to satisfy her for the time being. Then Jason and I shared a look as we wondered what our future conversations of this nature with our children would be like. Both of us sat in the car staring ahead, not saying a word. I began having flashbacks to my own childhood and all of my questions.
This is it,
I thought to myself.
Just a short time ago I was the kid asking my mom where babies came from, and in the blink of an eye, my own kids are asking me the same thing.
And just like that, I became my mother. We all do, if only for a moment at a time. That person we never think we will be like when we grow up is the person we see in our own reflection. How did that happen so fast? And how do our kids grow up so fast?

I think it may be a myth that there's one “big talk” about sex that you need to have with your kids. Maybe it's really lots of little talks, and they happen when your kid is ready (and yes, even if
you're
not ready). How do you know your kid is ready? When they're asking questions is one good sign. But you don't necessarily want to assume that this is the only time you should talk to them. Maybe there's a situation in a storybook, movie, or television show that you can use to explain a small concept. Or maybe you have a friend who's pregnant, and that's an opportunity for a talk. I think it's best to keep the lines of communication open. Thinking of outside-the-box ways to talk to your kids about subjects that can be sensitive for us is always helpful as well. When I talk about body image with my little ones, often I will refer to an Italian painting or piece of artwork that shows different shapes and sizes. I think the most important thing is to try not to make your children feel ashamed about their curiosity. When our kids see that there's no shame in asking questions or being confused—and that there are no shameful subjects—they're much more likely to raise their own questions when they have them. This allows us to try to help them have a better understanding while encouraging them to feel a comfort in confiding in us.