Happy Chaos (10 page)

We're incredibly lucky that we found the perfect pediatrician for us. I know for myself that I need a lot of hand-holding. I also like to have a doctor who I can talk to openly and on a regular basis. And our doctor is comfortable with that. When you're interviewing pediatricians, think about the connection you want to have with your doctor. Always ask the questions close to your heart. I'm a firm believer that there's no such thing as a stupid question, and I don't think your pediatrician should ever make you feel bad about asking. Most important, trust your gut, and when in doubt, get a second opinion.

Question of the day: How do you best handle sibling rivalry?

“Having a large family (seven children at home), sibling rivalry could easily get out of hand, but honestly it's an easy one for us and doesn't happen very often in our family. If a sibling hurts another or is saying mean things, the offender spends the day serving the one they hurt. They must play with the one they hurt and let them pick the activities. The offender will also take care of their sibling's chore as well as serve their meals, get their drinks, etc. Our goal is to not only ‘pay restitution' for their offense but to also help teach how your actions create reactions and consequences.”

—Retta

“We have three of them and sibling rivalry seems to work in our favor. Two of them will always gang up on the third, but you never know which two it will be! Recently my wife and I had to talk to a clerk at a sales counter. We told our 9 year old to watch the other two. Five minutes later they were both sitting perfectly still and quiet. We asked our 9 year old how he did it and he said, ‘I told (the 4 year old) I had a job for him, which was to watch (the 2 year old) and make sure she didn't get off the bench, because she'd be in trouble if he told me. Then I told her the same thing.'”

—Allen

“Sibling rivalry is best handled by doing your best to assure your children you love them all the same and that everyone is unique and different and not everyone may be treated the same all the time, but the love is always the same no matter what. Even when you do not get along with your sibling love them as you want them to love you.”

—Paul

 

When I was born and my mother brought me home from the hospital, my big brother Meeno took one look at me and said, “Can brothers marry sisters?” Somehow, I was blessed with a sibling whose heart was so open to me that we were close from the moment I entered the world. Meeno is six years older, and in a lot of ways he's been more than a brother to me. He was like a second father. My mother worked so incredibly hard to support us, all on her own. When she couldn't be there, it was always Meeno. He changed my diapers; he tucked me in at night. He walked me hand in hand to my first day of preschool, and when I didn't want to be alone at night, he let me sleep in his room.

I would love for my girls to have just that kind of relationship, but of course they're a lot closer in age than Meeno and me. They love each other and they have great times together, but they also drive each other crazy. Poet adored her baby sister from the start, but it got a little harder once Jagger was old enough to take her toys away from her. Then things got a little more challenging.

Here I am with my big brother, who really helped raise me. He was my big brother, a second dad, and my best friend.

 

I know the whole sibling thing gets to be tricky at times. At least in our household it does. When the girls are fighting over something, sometimes I don't even care what started it. I just want them to stop arguing. On a few occasions, I actually bought two of everything just so the girls wouldn't fight over what belonged to who. If one got a coloring book, I would try to get the same coloring book for the other. If Poet was drinking from a pink cup, I would try to get the same cup for Jagger. Then I realized that even when there were two identical items, they would still manage to argue. One would decide that the identical thing that her sister had was better than her own in some way. I remember thinking early on in my new-mother bliss that when I had kids they would never fight. I would shower them with so much love that they would never feel the need to compete for my attention. Looking back, I just have to laugh at myself. Aw, the joy of thinking I could always make everyone get along. The reality of having two kids turned out to be totally different.

One day I must have been right at the breaking point, because I just sat in the hallway of the girls' school thinking about all the ways I was surely screwing up my kids. When Carol, the head of our school, caught sight of me, she sat down and got the gist of my dilemma. She asked if she'd ever told me the shoe story. I looked at her sideways. “The shoe story?”

Carol said, “Soleil, when one of your kids needs shoes and you take them both with you to shop, do you buy each a pair of shoes or only the one that really needs them?” I admitted that I usually bought both a pair, because I didn't want the other sibling to feel left out. Then Carol said an amazing thing, and it has truly changed my life. She pointed out that while I was trying to keep the peace by giving the same thing to both girls, I was actually taking attention away from the child who really needed it in that moment. Meanwhile, I was also not allowing the other child to be a part of helping her sibling. I swear, my head started to glow like a lightbulb. It was so simple, and it made such perfect sense.

The next week it was raining in Los Angeles, and Jagger needed some rain boots, so both girls and I went shopping. There we were at the store, and of course Poet saw a beautiful pair of pink rain boots that she wanted. But Poet didn't need rain boots—she had a pair at home. It was Jagger who needed rain boots. In the past I would have broken down and bought that pink pair for Poet, too, but instead I thought about Carol's advice. I gently took Poet aside and said, “Honey, you already have rain boots, and this is your sister's first pair. Can we make it special for her?” She looked at me with bright eyes and said, “Sure, Mom.” Then we excitedly rushed over to Jagger and helped her put on her new rain boots.

Now, I'm not saying that this strategy will work every time. But it's certainly worth trying. Almost everything is worth trying when you want to help your kids get along. Sometimes we just need to separate the girls—Jason will take one of the girls to go do something, and I'll take the other. But that's not always possible, and there are plenty of times that no matter what we do, the girls fight. And then Mommy curls up in a corner and cries. Not really—but sometimes I want to!

Thankfully, there are other times—quiet times, when neither of them realizes that anyone is watching. I quietly stroll by Poet's room, and there she is, holding her little sister in her lap. Their love for each other is so genuine. At moments like that—no matter how many arguments there might have been during the day—I know we've done something right.

My two little girls in the crib together. One of their favorite pastimes: playing in the crib instead of sleeping in it.

Ever since we first brought Jagger home from the hospital, we've included Poet in helping to take care of her. It has always empowered her and made her feel proud of being a big sister. So when the two of them are fighting over something silly, or maybe Jagger is having a hard time finding something fun to do, I'll ask Poet to help me out. From the time Jagger was a newborn, I'd ask Poet to please grab some wipes for me, or bring a diaper for her baby sister. Now, I might ask her to draw a picture with her sister because she is such a great teacher. It might get me only a few minutes of quiet before they're screaming at each other again, but I think it's good for our kids to play an active part in keeping the peace. It also creates an incredible bond, and they are protective of each other while being both nurturing and still having a sense of independence.

I wish I could say that I have found one strategy for smoothing out all sibling conflicts. Life would be so much easier! Sometimes the best way to make sure your kids don't fight is just to give each one a little space and alone time. There is a really great way to make sibling reunions sweeter, though. Sometimes when I have something special to do with one of my girls, we will make a point of bringing something home for the other sister. And it's important to let your child pick what that is—it should be their gift to their sibling. It doesn't have to be a big deal—a sheet of stickers or a ball. The key is that one sibling is doing something nice for the other, and they get to see how great that feels. And it makes them want to do it more often!

Poet takes a great theater class, and last week Jagger was invited to attend the class with her big sister. Jagger was so excited and she just loved it. Unfortunately, the next week there wasn't enough room in the class for Jagger. She was crushed. I was at a total loss for what to do. Should I take both girls home and wait for a class when they could go together? I didn't think that would be right, because it was a class Poet had signed up for, and she shouldn't have to miss it. So we explained the situation to Jagger in a way that she could really understand, and—miraculously—she was cool with it. And she happily watched while her sister took the class. Amazing! Sometimes a little compassion for our kids can go a long way. Sure, lots of sibling conflict is over silly things like who gets the pink cup and who gets the purple cup. But often there's a real reason for the conflict, and while you might not be able to completely fix the situation, you can listen and respect your child's feelings. The outcome can often surprise us!

Question of the day: How do you encourage open communication among members of your family?

“We have a chalkboard in our kitchen and this is where we encourage everyone to write whatever is on their minds for the whole family to see. I find that this brings positivity in our household, while solving any issues that might be circulating among the children.”

—Ashley

“In my family, honest opinions and thoughts can be hidden behind humor. While I try to allow the humor, I also take the time to get behind it and find the true thought.”

—Jill H.

“No matter how busy our week gets, we sit down AT LEAST once a week for a meal together and talk.”

—Amy L.

“We never let anything slide. We're such an open family that everyone feels comfortable enough to say what they need and want to.”