Happy Chaos (30 page)

When our kids are upset about something, they don't always have the words to tell us what's wrong. Sometimes (often) they let actions speak louder than words . . . meaning, they act out. The girls and I recently made a deal that when they feel like they need some extra attention, rather than act out, all they have to do is come tell me that they need a little one-on-one time. I've also learned to be more attentive to the signs they are giving me, because I know that I have just as much to learn from them as they do from me.

I really believe that it's the quality of the time that we spend with our kids that makes all the difference in the world. The evolution of these minds is so inspired by how we connect with each other. I speak this from my heart, because this is a journey I am on, just like you, and I am a work in progress—we all are, but I really believe that we must get on the floor and play, dance our hearts out, share, and be present.

Question of the day: What do you think is the best part of being a dad?

“I think the best part of being a Dad, especially for stay-at-home mom situations, would have to be that when they come in the door . . . it's a celebration every time!”

—Nicole A.G.

“As a mom, I think the best part of being a dad is getting all the fun stuff while mom deals with all the icky stuff. Lol. I know, I know, not all dads avoid dirty diapers and booger noses like the plague.”

—Dana

“I'm not a dad, but I know that my dad loved it when we reminded him that he was our protector—bad storms, any kind of calamity, and he was the one we all turned to. He had broad shoulders, and was always making us feel safe and protected.”

—Cari

“While most parents today serve a few jobs to get by and my family is no different there is a great sense of pride and accomplishment to contribute as a provider to my family. The balance between the job and spending quality time with my family is always at odds and when we are in the moment as a family there is no better feeling. It really gives a sense of what matters most.”

—Jason G.

Jason and the girls on the beach in Hawaii

 

The other day, I was in the grocery store and I saw a dad there with his baby in a carrier, and I thought,
Oh my God, how great! What a good dad!
I wanted to go up and pat him on the shoulder. Then I stopped myself and I thought,
Wait a second. Why would I want to congratulate a dad on taking his kid to the grocery store? Would I ever do that to a mom? Never!

To tell the truth, it didn't even occur to me to do a special chapter in this book for dads, because I thought of the whole book as being for all parents. I mean, sure, there is some particularly mom-centric stuff in here (see: granny panties and/ or vagina spray), but I really think of all of us parents as being on this journey together. And I have a husband who is totally involved in our kids' lives, and I wouldn't want it any other way.

So I was really surprised when one day, my totally involved husband said, “You're doing a chapter for dads, right?” I told him that the whole book was for dads as well as moms. He shook his head. “You gotta do a chapter for dads.” He felt really strongly about it.

And I think I know why. It's for the same reason that I wanted to congratulate that dad in the grocery store. We moms often
say
that we want dads to be just as involved as moms, but then sometimes we treat them like they're—well, less important. Sometimes we even treat them like they don't know what they're doing. I've heard so many dads complain about being out with their babies and having total strangers (always women) come up to them to give them advice or tell them that they're doing something wrong. As much unwanted advice as moms can get, dads get way more. And how many times have you heard someone say that a dad was home “babysitting” his kids? Do we ever say that a mom is babysitting her kids? Of course not!

All those things we think and say can send the message that dads aren't really included in this parenting thing—at least not to the same degree that moms are. We say that we want parenting to be fifty-fifty, but how often do we try to control how our partners do things or hover over them when they're doing their part? And how often do we even roll our eyes when we think they're not doing things the right way (meaning: our way)?

I like to think that I've never rolled my eyes at Jason (at least not to his face), but I know that I've been guilty of grabbing more than my fifty percent share of parenting. Maybe I have a lot going on one day, and he offers to pick up the girls from school. Instead of gratefully accepting his help, I say, “No, no, I'll do it; I've got it covered.” Partly I think it's because, as moms, we feel guilty if we don't do everything for our kids, or that maybe we'll miss something important if we're not always there.

But of course, that's not doing us or our kids any favors. Single parenting is incredibly tough, and if we're lucky enough to have a partner to co-parent with us, why wouldn't we want to take full advantage? It makes us stronger as a couple when we're on the same page, and it gives our kids an incredibly important message that men are just as capable of being loving and nurturing as women are. And that's definitely the kind of world we want for our kids.

From the time our babies are newborns, especially if the mom is breastfeeding and taking a maternity leave, moms can get it in their heads that their kids need them to do everything. Somehow it feels wrong not to take care of every single need that our children have. Soon it becomes second nature, and that pattern just keeps repeating itself even as our babies grow into bigger kids. Dads can get kind of used to it, too. If Mom has always been the one to go to the pediatrician's appointment, it might not occur to Dad to take time off from work and be the one to go instead of Mom. It's never too late to break that pattern, though. Sometimes it's as simple as speaking up. So to all you dads out there, if you want to be more involved, say so. And you moms out there, if you want your partner to be more involved, speak up. You might be surprised how happy your partner is to take on their fair share.

Question of the day: If you were going to make a mix tape of your life, what would your theme songs be?

“Everything . . . life has been one jumbled mess . . . but I wouldn't trade it for the world!”

—Nicole P.

“ ‘Keep the Car Running'—Arcade Fire . . . ‘Over My Head'—The Fray . . . ‘Divine Romance'—Phil Wickam . . . ‘Angel'—Jimi Hendrix . . . ‘Cry Baby'—Janis Joplin.”

—Collette

“Love Guns N' Roses, John Williams, Jerry Goldsmith, James Horner and Roxette. I listen to music nearly constantly. I'm thinking I would have a 16 volume CD set!”

—Allen

“ ‘Don't Worry, Be Happy' :) ‘I Hope You Dance,' and most of all: ‘God Bless the Broken Road.' ”

—Cari

 

I
f I had to come up with the soundtrack for my life, this would be it. Or at least a really good start. I love that the songs I sang in the car when I was eight are the same songs I'm singing with my little girls today. It was so much fun putting this list together, and I didn't want to stop. You'll see musicians and whole albums as well because sometimes I couldn't pick just one song. I could keep going and going, so consider this a partial list that is to be continued.

Putting this list together made me think how great it would be if we all made mix tapes for our kids on a regular basis—little musical autobiographies of ourselves to show them how we traveled the same path that they're just beginning. So, here's my mix tape . . . what's yours?

Here I am listening to music as a little girl. I miss cassette tapes and making mixes on them. Let's bring it back!

 

Picture me, ten years old, riding with Tori in the backseat of Rick Schroder's white Porsche. He was starring in
Silver Spoons
, and we'd all been at an event at Magic Mountain. My mom said it was okay for him to give us a ride to the restaurant where we were going for dinner. Rick blasted Journey on the stereo and drove as fast as he could, and Tori and I were in heaven. Now whenever this song comes on the radio, my girls say, “It's Mommy's song!”

 

Tom Petty always reminds me of the phase in my life when I was running around with Danny O'Connor (House of Pain). We would spend nights cruising around the city while I filmed everything on my video camera. One night in particular I found myself getting a tattoo on Sunset Boulevard while Tom Petty was playing in the background. I felt like I was in a music video.

 

Sigh. This brings back such sweet memories of summer camp in the 1980s, sitting around the bonfire, talking about life and love.

 

Best. Song. Ever. I'm pretty convinced of this. Tori and I danced through the aisles to this song when
Grease 2
came out, and I've sung “Cool Rider” probably every week since. Now my two
Grease
- obsessed girls do the same thing. There's nothing like seeing a five-year-old and a two-year-old singing “I want a c-o-o-o-o-l r-i-d-e-r.”

 

When I hear her voice, it reminds me so much of my teenage years. I would listen to her in the rain by myself and really feel my teen-angst blues when I had them.

 

This was our wedding song, and I still love it so much. It is also a classic example of a song with lyrics that seem a lot racier when grandparents are sitting in the room.

 

We always sang this song at camp, and now I sing it to the girls almost every night. But my most vivid memory of this song is when I was eight and I went to Puerto Rico with my mom, Meeno, and Tori to do a personal appearance. When we arrived, we found out that the organizers had thought that I was a singer as well as an actress. So my brother managed to bang out a few chords on a guitar, while Tori and I sang “Leaving on a Jet Plane” complete with choreography—in front of sixty thousand people. We reassured ourselves that no one we knew would ever see it. Then it was broadcast all over Telemundo. This was my one and only brush with being an actress-singer.