Happy Chaos (29 page)

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.

Question of the day: What activity do you love doing with your kids most?

“My daughter is only 15 months, so we haven't had tons of experiences yet—but I just love bringing her out to do new things. Seeing her react to just being out among people, and all the new things she sees/hears/touches—it's exciting. Right now, our absolute favorite thing to do is dance!”

—Amanda

“I love to read to my kids and do adult size puzzles with them, they love to help me, but it's great quality time for everyone and no one gets into any fights!!!!”

—Irene

“Talking. I have a 21 year old son and a 13 year old daughter and they both talk to me often, sometimes about things I don't want to know, but I listen with an open mind.”

—Joseph

“Laughing, dancing, going to the beach, swimming, but mostly LAUGHING!!!!!”

—Natalie

“Arts and crafts.”

—Dana

 

I
grew up on back lots of studios, and just the smell of a soundstage can send me into a nostalgic dream state. When I was really little, my mom had meetings at all the studios for her catering business, and she'd take me along with her everywhere she went. And of course I was glued to her side when she took Meeno to the sets where he was working—I especially remember his time on
Voyagers
, and his incredibly handsome and sweet costar, Jon-Erik Hexum.

Some of my earliest memories are of tape marks and hot lights, the big blue sky on the Paramount lot, and the massive false front of New York Street on the Universal lot (for the longest time I thought that all buildings had fronts with no backs). I remember the big old cafeterias, the trams going by—all those movie magic moments are ingrained in my DNA.

Hollywood was a game of pretend on a massive, fantastic scale, and I loved make-believe. I knew that the actors on-set were working—but to me it was all play. My childhood was all about seeing the world as a bright place, full of possibility.

My life at home was also full of magical moments. I remember when I was a baby, not even walking yet, and my mother woke up me and my brother in the middle of the night and took us out onto our little deck because it was hailing outside. I remember my dad dancing me to sleep to Leonard Cohen songs. And I remember playing around the pool at my godparents' house—the amazing smell of wet cement, and all of us kids having the time of our lives with nothing but each other for entertainment. Now, that was magic.

I want my own girls' childhoods to be just as full of wonder. I'd be happy if they believed in Santa Claus forever. I hope they do. I mean, even I believe in Santa somewhere inside. For Jagger's last birthday, when the Mickey Mouse character came over, Poet noticed that there was a person inside. I swear I broke out in hives just imagining the floodgates of logic that were about to open up. If she learned that Mickey Mouse didn't exist, then what about the tooth fairy? And if the tooth fairy isn't real, then oh my God, what's next
?
I had to stop that right away—I think I said something about Mickey Mouse being so popular that he needed a little help.

When I'm playing with my girls, I'm still that little kid who loved magic and make-believe. Of course, it's hard sometimes to turn off the inner voices. But when I'm playing with them, I try to be in the moment. Sometimes there's nothing better for shutting off your brain than an eighties dance party. And I think it counts as exercise, too! (I do believe, I do believe.)

We invent lands and imagine them with mountains, rivers, and castles. On Earth Day we planted a strawberry garden and herbs that the girls could cook with. We love turning trash to treasure—we take old shoe boxes and paint them. We cover them with sparkles and glitter. I've come to realize that so much of what we can do with our kids doesn't cost any money. I can totally lose myself in coloring and playing dress-up with my girls.

I'll never forget the day I picked up Poet from school, and as we were driving home, there was a snowy shower in LA—it was a hailstorm. I suddenly remembered that hailstorm way back when I was a baby. I could still feel the cold pellets of that first hailstorm as they hit my face, and the way the cold felt under my little hands and feet. And here I was, enjoying the magic all over again with my daughter. It all comes full circle.

I love to transform our home into a princess palace, a barbershop, a camping trip, or a dance party. We get totally into it. Sometimes we get decked out as eighties prom queens, and other times we put on the stereo and just dance, dance, dance. It is great to see them being so free and for them to see that I can let go and have fun. Just tonight my girls said, “Mommy, come here.” I walked into the living room and they had turned it into their very own Manhattan apartment. They had taken pillows and put them all around with a stereo and some of their other favorite toys. We listened to music and sang to each other. It was awesome. Sometimes we need to step out of ourselves as adults and remember the children we once were, and it is there where we can find the heart of our inner child. So get that dance party going, dress up in your eighties best, and dance like crazy. The more wacky and outrageous, the more fun you will all have.

When I was a kid, I used to make believe that I . . .

“Was on the TV show
Kids Incorporated
. My sisters and I used to act out each episode and sing the songs after we watched it.”

—Sheila

“Was Barbie's manager and send her to autograph signings.”

—Mikala

“Was a detective searching for clues of a suspect in my front and backyard.”

—Collette

“Was Joey Lawrence (
Gimme a Break
, not
Blossom
) . . . and I'm a girl. Lol”

—Dana

“Was a Veterinarian and would take care of all my toy animals, as well as my real ones.”

—Nicole A.G.

“Lived in a fort—we actually had a playroom that could easily be transformed, and was often a mass of tented-up blankets that we played in.”

—Cari

Question of the day: What do you consider to be your best parenting moment?

“When I can cater to both girls at the same time and they are both happy and content . . . spread my time evenly at the same time.”

—Amy B.

“My little girl took stickers out of a book at a store and I had to explain to her that it was stealing since the book wasn't ours. I bought the book but told her she could not have it, she could earn it by doing little ‘chores' like picking up her dirty clothes. The woman working at the store said I handled it so well, that so many others would have turned the other cheek and left. I wanted my daughter to understand and I believe it is something that has stayed with her.”

—Amy L.

“It hasn't happened often but on really bad days I have my son write the specific date on a piece of paper, wad it up and throw it away. With the explanation that bad days happen, we don't have to dwell on it and tomorrow will be better. We don't have to think about it anymore.”

—Sherry

“I honestly hope that I haven't had my best parenting moment yet, because my little one is still so small. If I had to pick one for now though, it would be when Joseph said to me, ‘You're a good Mommy, Mommy.' He is the only critic that I need to worry about.”

—Nicole A.G.

 

S
ometimes we all feel a little lost. We ask ourselves if the path we are heading on is the right one. We question our choices and hope that everything will work out.

I remember when I was about twelve I got in an argument with my mom. I couldn't tell you now what it was about, but I said that I would go and live with my dad. I packed a little bag and went to my dad's, which lasted about twenty-four hours before I realized how much I missed home—the home my mom had built for us, the embrace of her warmth and love. Over the past year I felt a shift as a parent. I felt like I was getting deeper and deeper into the depths of parenthood. No one would ever say that being a parent is easy. But doesn't it seem like it should get a little easier as our kids get older? For me, not so much.

Over the past year, I've discovered that I'm going through my own growing pains as a parent. As my kids evolve from babies to toddlers to bigger kids, I have to grow right along with them. They need me more than ever before, and I am seeing in powerful ways how my behavior really affects theirs. I've seen how those times when I'm distracted can really result in them acting out. They need us so much, and yet sometimes Mom and Dad just want to curl up and have a few moments to catch their own breath.

Of course, it's totally healthy and necessary to take breaks, and no one can possibly be a perfect superparent all the time. We do the best that we can, but sometimes it can be hard, and that's okay.

Watching my kids grow into thoughtful, interesting people has taught me what the heart of parenting really is. It's much bigger, deeper, and more challenging than changing diapers and showering them with hugs and kisses. As our kids get more complicated, we need to become even more thoughtful as parents, and we have to figure out new ways to communicate with them.

Our kids are these little sponges soaking up their world, and we need to keep helping them understand it—even if we don't have all the answers. They have all these big emotions and new experiences to navigate—sibling dynamics, school, and first conflicts with friends. It's not enough to tell an upset child that everything will be okay. They need more than that from us. Just recently, Poet was really upset about some trouble she was having with a friend. It seemed like the end of the world to her. After listening to what was going on, I told her that when I was her age, I'd had conflicts with my friends, too, and that Tori and I used to get in fights all of the time. She looked at me with big, round eyes, and said, “You did?” And then I pointed out to Poet that Tori and I worked through all those conflicts and now we're still best friends, thirty years later. That made such a huge difference to Poet. Our kids can feel like they are totally alone in the experiences they are having, and it's so powerful for them to feel your compassion and realize that they're not the only person in the universe who has ever had whatever problem they're going through. Like us, as kids peel away the onion, the layers to who they are get deeper and reveal more to us each and every day.

It's awe-inspiring what a huge impact we have as parents. Our children's behavior is truly shaped by the experiences, attention, and nurturing that we give them. They grow up so fast, and the events of an afternoon spent reading with them, or running on a beach, or playing ball in the park can have an incredibly lasting effect. What an amazing gift that is to us as parents, and what a huge responsibility to live up to. But I really believe that everything we put into our children feeds their little roots and helps them grow into the big kids, tweens, and young adults that they'll be before we know it. And then one day we can stand back and see what amazing people we brought into this world.