really was bottom.
Wine bottles and balled up tissues
littered the otherwise spotless hotel
room. My bottle of Valium sat on the
edge of the counter, begging to be
opened to dive back into the abyss.
When tragedy strikes, you always think it
cannot get any worse; then you find that
it can. Connor-fucking-Lewis. What a
piece of shit...but really, I am no better.
Looking out upon the crisp white
landscape, I cannot help but revisit the
last time I left here, and how I was just
as broken then because of him.
I stopped smoking years ago, but I
suddenly had the urge to light up and pull
the thick air deep into my lungs. I
ruthlessly brushed my teeth until blood
mingled with the remaining wine in the
bottom of the sink. Even the most basic
act of hygiene had become sadistic. I
knew what I had to do and it did not
make me happy. This demon would not
leave peacefully, so it had to be dealt
with head on. The understanding that I
could not drink for a while already made
me want nothing more than to find the
nearest bar. I allowed myself half a
sedative to get though the rest of the day,
detoxing everything else from my poor
liver. I felt nauseous driving to the
airport while memories flooded my
brain with sadness.
I was pregnant then. I went to tell
Connor when I caught him with her. I
was so angry with him. My hand rested
across my abdomen. He knew now...if I
were able to get pregnant, I wondered if
life would have tried again, and if so,
the outcome. It was like watching a
movie that didn’t seem real. Looking
down at my hands, I half expected to see
the bright crimson glow of something not
meant to be, but they were clean, as they
should be. Just like then, I had to wash
away regret and move on. My fingers
reached for the missing necklace, finding
nothing but bare skin. More tears poured
from the corners of my eyes. If there was
anyone worth destroying myself over, it
would be Shepard. He would have been
so ashamed of me.
Chapter 28 - Life
Raft
A month had passed since I arrived
back in Chicago. That morning, I
performed one last pap smear on myself
to ensure that I hadn’t contracted
anything again from Connor. I had
mastered the position to comfortably
insert the speculum and shine the light
and mirror to obtain the sample.
Checking my own slides kept the
indiscretion private. My obsessive
nature over the situation forced me to
rub my skin raw daily under near boiling
water, I was never clean enough. The
sterility of the lab was the only sense of
comfort I felt.
I didn’t hear Alessa walk in the
room; I only knew someone was there
from the sensation of the negative air
pressure created when she opened the
door. Remaining fixated on the computer
screens, my fingers typed furiously at the
endless codes. She took the seat next to
me and waited until I acknowledged her
presence. I wasn’t trying to be
intentionally rude; I just no longer gave a
shit about anything. My head dropped as
I pulled the small white buds from my
ears. No matter how loud I turned up the
music, it was never enough to drown out
my inner demons.
I didn’t look at her; I knew why she
was here. It was only a matter of time
before someone figured out what I was
doing. The blessing and the curse of
working here was that no one questioned
my actions. The sequencing before me
was a simple compound. If administered
intravenously, it would take mere
seconds to travel through my blood
stream and cross the blood brain barrier,
triggering
a
massive
dopamine
explosion. I could die a coward in bliss.
Like a cat, I could crawl away into a
dark place and let go.
Rubbing the cracked dry skin on my
knuckles, I watched as they started to
bleed from dehydration. Not a drop of
alcohol was in my system; I felt every
agonizing emotion keeping me pinned on
my back.
“Violet, we have to talk. I think you
need a break. We all do.”
I turned my head slightly to her
small voice. “I like how everyone
always seems to know what’s best for
me.” I laughed slightly at the irony.
“We just care about you, I care
about you. I called your sister and
bought you a ticket down to Key West.
You’re leaving in a few hours; let’s go
pack your bag.”
“What about here? I can’t just
leave.” That was a blatant lie. Looking
at the screen, she wasn’t a chemist but
she knew it wasn’t good. I was stupid to
think that Beacon didn’t have someone
monitoring the computers in the lab.
“Am I being let go?” I asked flatly.
“Violet, of course not. You think
Gladstone is going to give up his golden
child? He doesn’t know. Kimberly saw
the
algorithms
trigger
an
alarm.
Everyone thinks it’s just because of your
grandma. She called me so you don’t get
into trouble. Just because you can do
something doesn’t mean you should.
Were you really going to leave me just
like that?” Her expression was grieved.
Depression was a selfish bastard I
would never fully understand.
My chin started to tremble at her
altruism. No one had reached into my
darkness
before
except
Shepard.
Alessa’s eyes started to water once she
saw she got through to me. I was sinking
and here she was with a life raft.
“Destroy that, Violet, now.” As she
pointed to the screen, I followed her
direction and deleted all evidence of my
destruction.
“It’s backed up; I can’t get rid of all
of it. I need you to tell Ms. Knight.”
Exhaling shaky breaths to keep from
losing it anymore, I watched her pull out
her phone and send a text.
“It’s done; let’s go.”
My suitcase still held most of the
possessions I had taken with me to
Colorado. I sat on the bed as Alessa
rifled through my drawers, pulling out
various items. At the airport, she walked
with me to the security screening to
ensure I went through. Giving a brave
smile, she hugged me tightly, then rubbed
my shoulders before backing away.
“If you decide not to come back, I
will understand. Send me lots of pictures
of the hot guys you meet on Duvall
Street. Maybe I can join you later.”
I cracked up at her good-bye.
Weaving into the line, I started to
remove my shoes and belt when I saw
her approach again. Separated by the
rope divider, her face had grown
serious.
“Stay alert, Violet. Distractions
will be your undoing.”
Embracing me once more, she let
go quickly and headed for the exit. Her
comment left me deeply unsettled. The
ticket in my hand started to suddenly
have a new meaning. While standing in
line to board the plane to Miami, I
picked apart the past few hours. My
grief left me in a haze of self-absorbed
darkness. Breaking down did not mean
my obligations went away. I was selfish;
that was why it felt so good. I tried to
justify why I would be better off dead,
yet each reason was never concrete
enough to take that leap. William was on
my mind every day. I devoted myself to
understanding what makes someone that
desperate. Perhaps I had created a self-
fulfilling prophecy.
My preoccupation with the human
brain was consuming…how we discern
reality from fiction… why we dream,
ration thoughts, and create emotions…
our perception of the world from
infancy, and how the slightest events can
alter what shapes us as adults. Even
though I knew what William did wasn’t
directly my fault, I couldn’t shake the
thought that if I was more attentive, I
could have stopped it somehow.
The small prop plane to Key West
made me a little nervous, flying low
over the Gulf Coast. Peering out over the
swamplands into the emerald water, I
started to feel a little better. Alessa was
always telling me I needed to make this
trip; of course I was always making
excuses why I was too busy. Vivienne
would make the trek north to visit my
father in Ohio and occasionally swing by
Chicago, but it was never long enough.
The flight was short, arriving at the
small building in the mid-afternoon. It
was no bigger than a roadside diner with
a thatched roof entry, providing shade
away from the warm spring sun. A man
with a parrot was sitting on a bench
outside of the luggage claim next to a
chocolate lab sprawled out on the
ground at his feet. I joined him while
waiting for Vivienne to arrive. Sensing
there was a new person, the lab came up
to me and rested his head on my lap,
demanding his ears be scratched. Dust
floated off his coat as my fingers moved
back and forth along his fur. With closed
eyes, he was so content with this simple
action from a stranger. His owner turned
to me with a toothy smile.
“I think you found a friend there.
Bear there likes you.”
The old dog made me smile as he
tried to step up into my lap. I propped
my suitcase against the wall and sat on
the sidewalk where he promptly laid
across my legs. I didn’t care how dirty I
got. It had been years since I felt the
pleasure of a loving animal wanting
nothing more than my affection. I was
completely covered in dirt and dark hair
when Vivienne strolled up.
Cocking her head, she grinned at
the sight.
“Welcome to Key West, sister. I
see you have met one of the locals.”
Bear looked at Vivienne with a
stink eye, warning her not to take away
his new person. She bent down and
scratched his belly, causing him to let
out a big groan, along with passing some
gas. I rolled the big dog off me while
letting out a gagging noise. His owner
and Vivienne both howled in amusement.
Brushing off as best I could, Bear stood
up with a wagging tail, following us to
the end of the sidewalk. I knelt down to
give him one last scratch. After he gave
me a giant lick on the cheek, I bid
farewell to the sweet boy.
The short time her car was parked,
the inside was already sweltering. I
rolled down the window until the air
kicked in enough. Any makeup I was
wearing melted the moment I stepped off
the plane. As I snapped my seat belt into
place, Vivienne seemed elated I was
there.
“I kind of love your friend, Alessa.
I’ve been waiting forever for you to get
your ass down here; I hope you’re
ready.”
Nodding my head, I wondered how
much Alessa told her, so I went ahead
and asked. Vivienne pursed her lips and
gave a dropped expression.
“She said you needed to get out of
there and that you weren’t doing too
well. She didn’t elaborate. She said that
wasn’t her place, so I didn’t push the
issue. I am just happy you’re here.”
Breathing out deeply, I was thankful
she didn’t know how far off the deep end
I had gone. I didn’t tell her about
walking in on Connor. She would have
been on the next plane with a machete
and shotgun. It was one of those things I
really didn’t want to deal with, although
I knew I would have to eventually. By
then, I hoped to have the money to pay
off my debt and erase him from my life
forever. We pulled into a small shopping
center and went into one of those beach
shops that sold a little bit of everything.