still play?”
My fingers traced along the circles
of the belt that rotated the records on the
tables. I looked over to the kitchen as he
was putting things away and not paying
attention. Normally, you would ask a
person to touch their equipment, but he
always used to let me mess around on
them. I found the small velvet box and
gently removed the needles for the arm.
Everything appeared brand new – not
anything like the venues we frequented
every weekend while he played.
Connor developed a bit of cult
following in Denver and Colorado
Springs as a club DJ. The Five Points
area was not the safest place to be under
normal circumstances, but many nights
were spent dancing until dawn in large
warehouses. It made me so proud to be
his girlfriend when he was rocking out
with a large crowd of sweaty bodies
moving to the sounds vibrating out from
the speakers.
I thumbed through the vertical bins
for a few records. Under the cube
labeled Trip Hop, I found tracks I had
not heard in forever. Excitedly, I flipped
on the power buttons to everything and
gently placed the vinyl down. The
haunting sound of Portishead filled the
room, finally causing Connor to notice
what I was doing. He continued to move
about the kitchen as my fingers grazed
the spinning record on the other side to
catch the perfect moment. Cradling the
headphone with my left shoulder, I
silently counted beats in my head while
matching the speeds of the tempo. The
fader perfectly aligned in the center for a
few moments before shifting to the next
record.
Jumping up and down in excitement
caused the record to skip and scratch
slightly, which drew a stink eye look
from Connor. I mouthed an “oops”
before I popped off the headphones and
flipped wildly through the records for
more music. I became a little braver
with old drum and bass records that I
knew I couldn’t play, but wanted to
listen to anyway. The fast snares and
driving bass lines ripped through the
apartment, furiously shaking the glass
windows and picture frames. With a
small stack piled at my feet, I cranked up
the sound and started to shake my hips
and pound my fist into the air. Only half
of the song played before he came over
and turned down the volume, shaking his
head.
“Sorry, Vy.” He tapped his foot and
looked down, indicating I would be
bothering the business below.
Cupping my hands around my
mouth, I gave a low “boooooo” before
turning off the power.
“I didn’t say you had to stop; just
turn it down, sweetheart.” He walked
over to his shelf, leaving me to ponder
his choice of words. How easily they
slipped off his tongue.
The beauty of dusk pulled me to the
windows where I could see the shops
closing for the evening. I didn’t have to
ask why he chose this place. There was
a perfect view of Soda Springs Park and
the fountains down the street. The other
side gave a glimpse of the entrance to
the mountains. The silhouette stood
against a sky of fiery oranges and pinks.
Connor came up behind me and
wrapped his arms around my waist from
behind, slowly swaying back and forth
to another record. Sliding my palm over
his large hands and lacing my fingers in
between his, I pulled him tighter against
my back. I could feel his heart rate pick
up through my shoulder blade. With one
quick movement, he grasped my other
hand and spun me away, then back in,
facing him. Following his lead, we
waltzed around the large room. I looked
into his eyes and allowed his body to
direct my next steps. The seductive
tempo sent us effortlessly into a trance
while we stared at each other for a long
while, both disbelieving this was real.
Once upon a time, he was the only
future I saw. In a fraction of second, I
could wake up and our true lives would
reappear, leaving nothing but splinters of
memory. The mind could play cruel
tricks like that. I touched his face gently,
praying it would not happen. I could not
hold my anger against Connor and move
on. Even if I didn’t stay, I could leave
now, knowing that part of me has been
put to rest. The atrophy in my heart was
beginning to vanish with each passing
hour. I still loved him despite my hate
for him. People cheat and do horrible
things all the time. I was just as guilty of
being a dishonest person. Who was I to
judge him for his wrongs? It was a
mistake we have both paid dearly for
over many years. When I said yes, it
freed him. He was now able to atone for
the wrongs that made him the broken
man I saw now.
When the record ended, he led me
to the back of the apartment into the
master bathroom. I smiled as soon as I
saw the cavernous shower and the
multiple openings in the walls. An
electronic panel in the wall caused
steam to form slowly as a waterfall of
hot water poured from the ceiling. If I
were ever to have a dream bathroom,
this would be it. A giant steel trough tub
was set up in the corner. Round copper
sinks rested on rescued antique cabinets,
with exposed pendant light bulbs strung
from the ceiling. Connor walked over to
pull fluffy blue towels from a cupboard
that looked to be over a hundred years
old.
“You’re smiling like you approve.”
He was beaming at my reaction to the
room.
My clothing was peeling off
without a second thought. “It’s amazing;
I have never seen anything like it. Did
you do this?”
Stripping down himself, Connor
eyed me lustfully as I stepped under the
soothing water. “I actually thought of you
when I designed it.”
“Why?” I was curious, because I
loved it.
“Bathrooms were your refuge.
There was nothing a good soak or
shower couldn’t fix with you.” He
smiled affectionately at the memory.
“Um, they still kind of are. I had
this great old claw foot tub for a long
time when I moved back. It was my best
friend.” The thought created a sting that
started to pierce my stomach.
Connor watched as my mood
faltered. “What happened, Violet?” His
eyes widened in concern.
Turning my back so he couldn’t see
how much it pained me, I was getting
furious at the way fate kept repeating
these moments for me to live out. The
last time Connor and I showered
together like this was after the bridge
incident. My mistakes were becoming
demons, taunting me at every turn.
“It’s gone.” With that, I stepped out
of the shower and grabbed a towel.
Connor followed behind and spun me
around. With the strongest embrace and
the deepest kiss, he was resolved on
pulling me out of whatever gorge I had
fallen into.
“You sure you want my depressed
ass around you right now?” I laughed at
my sadness in an attempt to ease the
pain.
“I don’t care what mood your
fantastic ass is in; I want you around. I
never want to let you go. Now brush
your teeth because your breath is awful.”
With a playful punch, I went to my
bag to grab my toiletry kit and pajamas.
As Connor walked into the bedroom to
put a pair of shorts on, I studied the
tattoos he had across his chest and upper
arm. I remembered a few he had gotten
earlier in life, but they appeared to have
been covered up with much more
intricate pieces since then. Colorful koi
fish swam through turquoise water and
lily pads. A half broken heart was inked
on the left side of his chest. Instead of
being red like most people choose to
tattoo, it was a dark and faded shade of
purple. I didn’t have to ask what that one
was about.
He noticed my eyes wandering over
his body and studying that spot.
Unconsciously touching it with his
fingers was a simple warning he had
been burned. A man who chooses a
permanent reminder like that wants to
remember for a reason. Before I was
able to put my shirt on, he traced the
outline of the bite on my shoulder, and
then kissed it softly.
Crawling under the soft covers,
sleep overtook me before I hit the
pillow. There were no dreams or
nightmares – the world just disappeared.
I never thought I would find myself back
in Connor Lewis’s bed. I should have
known better than to say never.
Chapter 23 -
Foundations
She was my rock and she knew it. I
felt like a terrible granddaughter for
essentially abandoning her that day. The
last time I stepped foot in this house, I
was just moments from teetering on the
edge as a result of Connor’s actions and
the mess I created. I had to make
something of myself so she knew her
efforts spent on me were not in vain. She
constantly reminded me of how smart I
was, saying I could do anything I put my
mind to. I inherited her tenacious nature;
we never spoke of recklessness, but part
of me wondered where that came from,
too.
I always felt like Vivienne and I
were proof her lineage was substantial.
She would always comment about not
understanding how my mother could be
so detached from reality, when she
herself resided in the cold hard truth.
Until I grew older, I never understood,
either. Streams of sunlight poured in
through the old cotton drapes. A fine
layer of dust rested upon every surface,
undisturbed by our presence.
Connor followed silently as I
walked listlessly through every room. I
didn’t allow myself to come here, since
up until yesterday, I thought it was as
good as gone. I had already mentally
packed up and shipped everything off to
donation centers. It’s what she would
have wanted – to help others. There was
nothing in the house I was seeking except
the ship. She knew she was getting sick
and insisted on visiting me and Vivienne
as often as she could. She loved both
Cincinnati and Florida. Each time she
would make sure to send a small box of
things she thought we would want. There
were still so many items in every room; I
could not find my grandfather’s beloved
Esperanza. It was packed away long
ago, and there was no more time to
search for it today.
I walked by Connor, simply tilted
my head towards the door, and kept
going. Not a word was exchanged
between us during the time we were in
there. He knew what happened because
he tried to come after me. My
grandfather told him he would shoot him
on sight if he ever caught him on his
property again after what he did. I am
pretty sure that is what any father or
grandfather says to a young man after
they break their little lady’s heart.
Connor took the warning seriously, as he
should have, and had not been back
except to drop off my belongings in the
middle of the night on their front porch
with an apology letter. They never told
me about either incident. It came out by
accident when I called one of their
neighbors after my grandfather’s death,
which happened shortly after I left.
The box was still sitting on a chair
in one of the bedrooms I passed. I didn’t
recognize it because I had never seen it.
Noticing Connor was not following me, I
back tracked my steps to the spare
bedroom and found him sitting on the
bed, holding a letter.
“What are you looking at?”