his eyes closed, just silent. Moments
passed before either of us spoke.
“I deserved that,” he said.
I remained tight-lipped, unsure how
to react. The beating in my heart began
to slow down. I took a deep breath; it
was now or never. I had buried this
secret so deep, it was as if it never
happened. But that was a lie I have been
reminded of every twenty-eight days --
the moment I first see the tinges of blood
on the paper along with the cramping of
my
stomach.
My
hands
had
unconsciously moved over my abdomen
while I collected my thoughts. Connor
still remained quiet.
“I made it to St. Louis before I
realized something was wrong and the
withdrawal kicked in. I landed in the ER
alone with a one hundred four degree
temperature and a wicked case of
Syphilis, thanks to your cheating ass!
They told me if the baby survived, that it
most likely would have issues.”
Connor looked over me in disbelief
with rounded eyes as they moved to my
stomach before traveling back to my
gaze. I slowly shook my head.
“I was pregnant when I left. They
offered to take it, so I consented.”
I closed my eyes tightly as the
words I hoped never to speak came out.
My hands were shaking as I turned my
back to him and started to pack my
suitcase. I had to get out of here, away
from him, away from everything. My
whole body started to tremble as the
breakdown commenced. I felt the
wailing coming from the deepest parts of
my soul, demanding absolution.
As my knees started to give way,
Connor pulled me tightly to his chest
while sinking to the ground behind me.
He held tight with a vice grip, doing his
best to restrain my thrashing body. I
wanted to fight, and run, and die at the
same time. It seemed like forever passed
while I simply laid there weeping. His
fingers gently traced my hairline and
rubbed my arms for comfort.
I was empty. The carpet might as
well have been cold hard stone, because
this felt like bottom. I heard noises that
were almost words, but could not be
fully distinguished in my grief. It
sounded like someone yelling at the end
of a tunnel, the echoes coming in
fragments. Connor rolled me onto my
back and leaned over me, kissing my
forehead. As he pulled back, I could see
the splotchy redness on his cheeks. His
eyes were puffy and damp.
“I’m sorry, I am so sorry,” he
choked out.
I simply turned to roll away from
him. He should have been sorry long
before now. He pulled me back once
again and kissed me deeply. He leaned
away only enough to rest against my
forehead. His eyes closed as he spoke
softly.
“I wasn’t there for you then, and I
can’t change that. Please, Violet…
please, for the love of God, let me be
here now.”
I felt the warm tears pour down the
sides of my face as his dripped down
onto my nose.
“I loved you so much, Connor. Why
did you have to hurt me?”
His head fell down to my shoulder
as he took deep breaths he seemed
unable to catch. This was his moment of
reconciliation. I felt the weight of the
world crashing down upon him. He was
crying so hard, no sound escaped. My
arms wrapped around him and pulled
him closer, consoling him just as he had
done for me not long before. After a long
while, his cracked voice began to speak.
“It’s not an excuse. I was thinking
with my cock and not my head. If I knew
for one moment what would really
happen, I wouldn’t have done it. She
came to me, jealous of you, telling me
she could please me in ways you
couldn’t. You and I were fighting all the
time; you were getting sick of my shit. I
couldn’t stand watching you dance for
those men – how they looked at you. You
were mine.”
I rolled onto my side and propped
my head up with my elbow to the
ground. “You told her you loved her
while you were fucking her in our bed.”
I looked at him for his response.
He washed his face with his hands
and held it for a while. “Violet, a guy
will tell a girl whatever she wants to
hear while he’s in the middle of getting
off so she doesn’t stop.”
“Wow, talk about us being honest
with each other,” I replied
“Vy, I have never fallen in love
with anyone since you. I knew I would
never see you again. I felt like maybe
that was God’s way of punishing me for
what I did to you. Only, I had no idea the
damage I caused.”
“Connor, I seriously doubt that God
had anything to do with our mess. That
was all our own creation, and we had to
suffer the consequences.”
The heater against the wall kicked
in, breaking the silence that was starting
to mount between us.
“Violet...”
“Yeah?”
“Please stay with me, even if it’s
only for a week.” I could hear the
desperation in his voice.
“I have a lot to do. I am sure you
have to work. I can’t play here. This
week is about my family, not me. I can’t
let them down. They are depending on
me to hold it all together, and I am doing
a piss poor job of it.”
“I can help, Vy. Let me.” His hands
traced along my neck and chest while he
gently kissed their trail.
“You have an extra two hundred
thousand lying around so I can save my
grandparents’ land?” I laughed at the
ridiculous statement. His face, however,
was completely serious.
“Actually, I do.”
“Connor, I was being sarcastic. I
could never ask that of you!”
“What if I wanted to buy it? It’s
close to my parents’ property, and it’s
worth at least five times that much.
That’s what I do now – I took over my
parents’ development firm.”
“If you did, I don’t know when I
could start to pay you back. I couldn’t
even afford the mortgage payments the
bank told me. Don’t worry about it,
some things just aren’t meant to be.
We’re just going to sign it over to bank.”
I watched his eyes follow the
clenching of my jaw as I looked away,
trying my best to stop crying. He leaned
down and kissed the spot on my neck
where you can feel the pulse. His lips
lingered for moments, simply rested
against the skin. Hot puffs of air came
out of his nostrils, giving intermediate
burst of warmth.
“I have some serious making up to
do; let this be a start.”
Before I could protest, his searing
mouth came over mine diverting an
argument.
“We can work out some kind of
payment plan, Violet.”
He licked his lips and went straight
for my breast.
“I’m not a whore!” I yelled.
His hand reached up and placed a
finger across my mouth as his other hand
kneaded my nipple between his fingers.
“You’re too expensive to be a whore; I
guess that makes you wife material.”
My jaw dropped at his crude
comment, no matter how funny he thought
he was being. As if that were not
enough, he slammed into me, then stilled,
taking possession of my body once more.
“I would gladly buy you a million
acres if it means that I get to feel the way
I do right now every day.”
“You’re pretty confident, you
pompous prick!” My eyes started to roll
in the back of my head as he continued to
move slowly in and out.
“Do you think that this is what
marriage is like?” he asked
“What the sex part? I surely hope
so!”
“No, the bantering back and forth.”
He was smiling at me, but all I could do
was freeze. He had just repeated the
word from my dream.
To keep him from noticing my little
freak out, I asked him to take me from
behind again. I rose up to my hands and
knees and braced for his entrance.
“Don’t tell me you love me right now,
you might lose a body part.” He tensed
at my comment until I turned around and
gave him a wink.
“What do you want me to say
then?” he asked quietly.
“Anything but that...”
Chapter 21 - Deal
with the Devil
We walked slowly around the lake
behind the historic hotel I loved so much
in silence for the most part. After so
much confrontation and confession, there
was not a lot left to say. I was nervous
about Connor buying the property – not
because he would not keep his end of the
bargain, but because it was a tether I
was unsure I could handle. It meant him
being in my life again, but even more so
with me being indebted to him. The
stolen glances became magnetic gazes.
Sunlight illuminated the web of wrinkles
starting to form around his eyes, a
testimony of the truth that everything
changes with time.
Could I honestly forgive him for
what he did to me? I had to if I planned
on going through with this. Anger had
bred into a contemptuous monster that
imprisoned my heart.
This wasn’t just about me. My
actions stood to affect multiple worlds;
just like everything else, it could never
be simple. The balmy winds gently blew
across the lake that reflected threads of
gold on the small waves. A low bench
faced towards the mountains and offered
the perfect opportunity to settle the
chaos.
It was less than twelve hours ago
that Connor and I collided, yet an entire
lifetime seems to have passed. He joined
me on the small iron sitting area and
waited for me to speak. I swallowed the
lump in my throat a few times. I did not
want to feel as though I was being
cornered. I needed to believe that this
was a choice made of free will. I could
walk away right now, free and clear, and
never speak to him again. If I were in my
right mind, that might be exactly what I
would do, but I am not and I won’t. Was
the ranch so important that I would make
a deal with the devil to keep it?
The cards were in my hands, but I
was cautious of my good fortune. Connor
was looking out into the distance, lost in
the sounds of the water lapping on the
rocky shoreline. Ducks became curious
of our presence and started to gather in
hopes of a few bread chunks or bags of
popcorn that people normally brought.
I knew it was getting time to head
to the bank and broke the silence.
“I will stay with you under one
condition. It’s not because of what you
are offering me, but because I think we
have more we need to work out. I don’t
want to leave here like I did the last
time, and I will need more than a few
hours with you to find some peace. I
cannot guarantee you anything; you must
accept that now.”
Connor slid to the ground and
nestled between my knees, wrapping his
arms around my waist. As he laid his
head gently on my lap, we remained
there for a long while. I hated to
interrupt this moment, yet the clock
ticked away relentlessly as a reminder
we were not in control.
“We have to go now; it’s time.” I
spoke quietly as I leaned in to kiss the
top of his head.
The fabric seam of my pants left a
red crease along his cheek. Using the
pad of my index finger, I traced along the
mark. Connor acted as if I was going to
vanish before his eyes – the way he
watched me while kissing my knuckles.
Holding onto my hand as I got to my
feet, he assisted me up without breaking
contact. For the rest of the afternoon, he
made every attempt to be continuously
touching me in some manner. Even under
the murderous stare of Vivienne, he
remained possessive. She and I both