needed you, too?”
My heart grew heavy at his
declaration. I loved him. I knew that
even though I didn’t say it. Every fiber
of my being was tied into the man
holding me. The messed up part of me
kept repeating that I would hurt him, yet
the long forgotten goodness within
shouted for me to let him love me back. I
flipped around so we were chest to chest
and slid my arms around his neck to pull
him close. I would ignore that dark
voice in my head that made me believe I
was undeserving of such affection. For
one week, he was mine and I was his;
there was no room for doubt.
“I need to tell you something,
Shepard.”
I paused for a long time during
which he remained mute, waiting for
what I had to say.
“I have obviously fallen for you –
hard – harder than I could have ever
imagined. You are magnificent. And I am
scared as hell. I could never forgive
myself if I ever hurt you. It’s the one
thing holding me back and I don’t know
how to let go. If I am ever distant, it’s
not because you have done something
wrong, it’s because I am afraid I will.”
I leaned in and kissed his
collarbone, which released the breath he
was holding.
“I am pretty sure I am in love with
you, Violet, and it’s okay because I
know you feel the same way. So let’s
just leave it at that. Don’t over think it.
You will always find something wrong;
it’s the nature of the mind of a scientist.”
He laughed while gently chastising me
for my endless loop of mental analytics.
I nodded in approval before
stopping at what he had said.
“How do you know how I feel?
What makes you so sure?” I was
relieved at his comments, but at the same
time a little confused.
“You talk in your sleep, Violet.
You say some pretty strange things.
However, last night in bed you rolled
next to me and told me that you loved me
and you thanked me. You told me how
much you miss me and how you dream
about me. I thought you were awake for
a moment, and then you started mumbling
about a hard drive. It was really quick
and then you were out again.”
His arms tightened around me as I
nuzzled into his neck. The thought that I
verbalized my internal thoughts even in
sleep scared me more than falling in
love. I had too many secrets that couldn’t
afford to come out. Once again, I pushed
the consequences aside and allowed
myself to succumb to the present. I
focused on the smell of his skin; with
hints of earth, it was fully masculine.
Sweat and salt created a fine layer
between us, permeating every sense.
“I do love you, Shepard. I know it’s
soon, I just can’t help it. It’s been so
long since I have let anyone in; I don’t
know what to do. I am going to need
some help, okay?”
“Just be yourself, Violet. That’s all.
The rest will take care of itself. Now
sleep.” His lips found mine, signaling
the conversation was now over. Despite
the revelation of my unconscious
musings, I fell deeply into a dreamless
void.
The morning sun created the
slightest outline through the dark shades.
Only the sound of the captain’s notice
coming over an intercom let us know
what time it was. Both of us refused to
move, except towards each other to
touch hand against arm or leg. Sleep was
a luxury neither of us enjoyed often; the
world could wait on us for once.
Chapter 8 - Into the
Deep
The week had flown by without
warning. Days of sunning on the deck
and exploring the colorful seas left us
hesitant to return to reality. We had two
more days before landing in San Juan.
Reminiscing about certain fish we saw
while snorkeling or shops we enjoyed
filled most of our interactions.
One of our favorite stops so far had
been to Williamstad, Curacao. The
guidebook I purchased ahead of time
told me about the western hemisphere’s
oldest synagogue. I was not Jewish, but
we both shared a deep respect for
history. I mentioned it to Shepard the
first day and he was eager to explore the
vibrant town with me. After crossing the
Queen Emma Pontoon Bridge, we wove
our way through the brightly colored
buildings and found our way to the house
of worship. Upon entering, Shepard was
instructed to cover his head with the
traditional
kippah.
The floors were covered in sand,
surrounded by white plastered walls and
blue stained glass windows. The
furnishings were a gorgeous polished
mahogany, while gold and glass
chandeliers hung from the ceiling. It was
not elaborate, but it was beautiful.
Outside,
an
ancient
stone
mikvah
remained intact although no longer
functional. The practice of cleansing
oneself spiritually and physically once a
month or during certain celebrations
while honoring the very being of a
woman appealed to me. This age old
ritual continued even today among those
of the faith. A friend of mine once
explained how she would visit an
inconspicuous
building
after
each
menstrual
cycle
and
immaculately
prepare herself for the water, which was
ever flowing. Each of her nails had to be
clipped a certain way, her body
scrubbed clean, and she could not be
wearing any makeup or jewelry. A
woman inspected her to make sure she
had properly prepared herself to enter
the sacred pool. She told me the feeling
she got once she emerged from the brief
submersion in the water was similar to
what Christians might equate a baptism
to, except she was able to experience it
at
least
once
every
month
and
occasionally more often than that. I
wished I could feel that clean.
Shepard held my hand as we made
our way back to the ship. There was a
small bar near the dock where we tasted
a few samples of the island’s famous
orange flavored liquor. I watched him as
he interacted with the small market
vendors that were nearby. So full of life
and energy, he looked to be in his natural
element. He loved to listen, to observe,
and to truly understand what another
person felt. His empathy was admirable.
Stopping to look at me briefly and give a
smile, I waved as he returned his full
attention to the person he was speaking
to. They stood in front of a mobile
wooden cart full of tourist kitsch like
little wooden key chains, flags, and
necklaces. I didn’t see what he had
purchased; I only caught him shaking the
vendor’s hand and walking back with a
plastic bag and a naughty grin.
I pretended to ignore the bag he
placed on the bar while taking the stool
next to me, although I was extremely
curious. It was narcissistic to think it
was for me, then again, I did. He knew it
was killing me because he kept looking
at the bag and then back to me,
chuckling.
“Don’t tease me too much; I have
no reservations in cutting you off.” He
stopped laughing and went to open the
bag, but I reached out to stop him and
smiled.
“I am not that cruel, sweetheart.”
Popping off my stool to lace my arms
around his shoulders, I took in his
piercing blue eyes and freckles that were
emerging across the bridge of his nose
from the sun.
“No, you’re not cruel at all. I don’t
think you have a vicious bone in your
body. It’s one of my favorite things about
you. How do you know what is in the
bag isn’t meant to tease you?”
He was looking for an intrigue. My
attention went back to the inconspicuous
grey shopping bag that didn’t look like it
had much of anything in it. I tried to use
my index finger to peek inside, but
Shepard grabbed my wrist to stop me.
Whatever was inside of that bag was
building a curiosity within, growing
stronger by the moment, and he knew it.
Lifting my hand up to his mouth, he
gently
kissed
each
knuckle
with
intention.
“Let me surprise you.”
My
knees
began
to
buckle
underneath his gaze. His blue eyes
deepened as the dark clouds rolled in.
The ship’s television station announced
we would be sailing through a storm.
Noticing I was looking at the sky
nervously, he gently tugged me towards
the path leading back to the dock.
After moving up the gangway into
the main atrium area toward the
elevators, Shepard stepped back quickly
and told me to head on up without him;
he’d forgotten to grab something he
needed. Thinking nothing of it, I was
tired of all the walking and ready to take
a nap, but first, I wanted to soak for a bit
in the hot tub. I changed into my suit and
left a note for Shepard in case he wanted
to join me. Nearly an hour passed and I
was still alone in the Jacuzzi pool when
the rain started to pour. It chilled the air
enough to make the steaming water feel
rejuvenating. I laid back and watched the
surface of the pool next to me start to
chop roughly and splash to the sides.
Being under a covered area, I was not
too worried about being in the water, yet
my wrinkled fingers told me otherwise. I
returned to the darkened room to find
Shepard already passed out in bed, so I
slipped into the small shower to rinse
off.
After wrapping my hair into a
towel, I slid naked in between the cool
sheets next to him. For the first time, he
didn’t turn to snuggle against me.
Knowing he was asleep, the wheels in
my mind were spinning unnecessarily.
Small things like this made me realize
how insecure I really was. Shepard had
done nothing but show me complete
dedication for the past few months; there
was nothing to alert me otherwise.
I awoke to his face between my
legs, causing my body to writhe in
ecstasy. When I tried to move my feet,
they were bound by a slightly rough
rattan rope to a smooth wooden board
that prevented me from closing my
knees. Realizing I was awake, he
stopped and hovered above me smiling,
then backed away, leaving me panting
hard. He walked over to the table and
removed another thin board from the
gray bag that had rope looped around it.
His face remained placid as he
approached me.
“Put your hands to your sides; don’t
move them.”
Giving the command with an
authority I was unfamiliar with, I was
too turned on to question where this was
going and trusted him too much to refuse.
With one hand, he gently lifted my ankles
to rest on his shoulders while he bound
my arms underneath to the board. It
wasn’t uncomfortable, but if I were to
resist, the rope would surely dig and
leave deep burns.
“I am going to help you flip over.”
His hands gripped my hips as I
awkwardly flopped over to the side and
pulled my knees to my chest. I was in a
modified yoga resting pose.
“Can you grab the board? Use it for
stability if needed.”
My wrist had enough slack to twist
them slightly to hold the ends. The board
rested against the back of my thighs,
giving me balance. Although these
devices were primitive in nature, they
were clearly thought out. Images of what
they could be used for was quickly
overshadowed by the feeling of Shepard
plunging into me from behind, drawing