His head was bent down while
clutching
the
yellowed
piece
of
notebook paper. “You didn’t know, Vy,
did you? I tried to say I was sorry. They
didn’t tell you.”
I leaned against the entry of the
door, carefully crafting a response. He
knew why they didn’t tell me just like I
did. They knew if I stayed, I would have
died. Connor and I were two tornados
bound to destroy everything in our path.
Separating us was the only hope they had
for me coming out of that in one piece.
“Can you blame them?” I left it at
that and turned once again to leave. The
day was cloudy and snow began to flurry
all around. Funerals have a funny way of
making the weather add to the ambiance
of the day. The Jeep had heated seats
that didn’t require the engine to be on, so
I waited for Connor to lock up and get
going.
He opened the door and stepped in
slowly with the letter still gripped in his
hand. Holding it for a few moments
before looking at me, his eyes were
growing red as the blood started to fill
the vessels from emotional pressure.
“Please read it, Violet. I need you
to.” His hands trembled as they reached
across the divider and waited for me to
take it. I wasn’t sure I wanted to read
what he had to say then. I knew this was
important to him, so I gently pried the
folded paper from his fingers and
opened it up. In the world of digital
communication, a handwritten letter is a
rare commodity. You know when you
receive one that the author took a great
deal of time conveying what they felt.
Every word was written with precision,
which made me wonder how many drafts
he completed before finishing the final
product I now held. It was not long – just
half a page or so. That was all it took to
rip every piece down to the foundation.
My sweet Violet,
I fucked up. I know I did real
badly. I have nightmares about that
look on your face when you walked in
on us. I didn’t mean for it to happen.
That ain’t an excuse. You have given
me more chances than I deserved. I
don’t know where you are. I can’t find
you and I am going out of my mind. I
can’t eat or sleep. Drugs and drinkin’
don’t do a damn thing to make the pain
stop. I know I can’t call your dad, and
you stopped talking to everyone else.
I don’t blame you for running
away from me. I knew I was gonna hurt
you. I don’t want to, but I manage to
keep doing it. I hope someday you can
forgive me. I know I am never going to
see you again and it’s my own damn
fault. I deserve these nightmares. Since
I know it’s never going to be me, I want
you to find someone who can treat you
the way you should be. He’d better
worship the ground you walk on,
because any man who doesn’t is going
to be as broken as me.
I will love you forever, Violet
Phillips.
Connor
I clenched my jaw in a useless
attempt to hold back the tears…not just
for the man who was sitting next to me,
but for the other one I left behind. I did
find someone who loved me completely,
and I ran. I knew it must have hurt him,
but after seeing Connor in this moment, I
couldn’t bear the thought of what I truly
did. Yeah, Connor screwed up, but
Shepard never did – not once. I ran from
pain; it was easier than facing it, but you
can’t out-run yourself…
Chapter 24 -
Broken Vows
I had asked for big band music to
be played during the service because
that is what my grandma wanted. She
told me on several occasions, “Don’t be
sad when I die, because I won’t be. I
will be with Jesus, not in the ground.”
She requested to be cremated and have
her ashes spread off the mountain side
facing Colorado Springs. The snow
prevented us from getting up there today,
and it would be best to do during
warmer weather.
I had to come back to clean out the
house, but now that Connor had bought
it, I had time. He was sitting in a chair at
the edge of the room, letting me speak to
everyone and accept their condolences.
Vivienne came up behind me while
glancing at him and whispered, “She
would be furious to know he was here. I
am not happy one iota about this, Violet,
but it’s your life. Just do me a favor and
be smart. Yeah, he bought the ranch, but
what is it going cost you?”
With that, she plastered on her
bright smile and went about the room,
speaking words of encouragement.
Connor witnessed the exchange and I
knew it was concerning him. Looking
back over to Vivienne, he caught her evil
glare. If people were not in mourning,
they may have noticed, but no one did.
Everyone began to slowly enter the
sanctuary for the service. Grandma
didn’t want anything too fancy, so it
would be short and sweet. We waited
for everyone to go in first – Vivienne
ahead of me. I grabbed Connor’s hand
and opened the heavy wooden door.
Pausing for a second, the irony of the
situation made me smirk.
“Well, you kept one promise; you
always said one day you were going to
walk me down the aisle.” I tried to laugh
to keep from crying more.
Everyone turned around to watch us
as we made our way up the path, fingers
interlaced. I squeezed his hand tightly
while nearing the altar and the pastor
standing in the middle. The bitter
sweetness of this moment made my legs
feel like lead. Connor looked down at
me and grabbed my elbow to offer more
support. My tears of grief encompassed
not just the one life lost.
Once I was seated, the preacher
began. His booming voice filled the
room, echoing slightly through the
rafters.
“Each of us is born with a purpose,
a calling from the Almighty. Too often,
we are distracted by the world to walk
in that destiny. Our lives are cluttered
with obligations and circumstances that
prevent us from the fullness we can
experience through reconciliation. Christ
does not look at the outside of a man, but
into his heart. When Christ looked at
Melody Latham, he beamed with pride at
his child and how she loved him and
those around her. She opened her home
to anyone who needed a hot meal, or a
place to stay for a while. Now, we all
know she had a backbone made of steel
and when crossed, she would put you in
your place, but few ever had need or
desire to find out.”
Connor looked down, no doubt
thinking about how everything happened.
Lacing my arm underneath his, I tried to
convey reassurance. His sweating palm
and shaking knee calmed a little at my
gesture. Using my other hand to gently
massage his upper arm, we rested our
heads against each other, secure in our
cocoon of solace.
I managed to laugh as people told
humorous stories about both of my
grandparents and us girls. There were so
many people there that I didn’t even
notice Connor’s parents come in the
back door. After the service, they were
waiting in the reception area for us. His
mother, JoEllen, was tearing up at the
sight of me. With outstretched arms, she
pulled me close to her chest and began
to bawl loudly.
“Oh, little Violet, how I have
missed you. Charles and I both have – so
much. Why didn’t you keep in touch with
us?” She looked genuinely wounded by
my lack of communication.
Charles’ jaw tensed while he
looked at a sullen Connor. Reaching up
to rub my shoulders, he smiled
affectionately and addressed his wife.
“She’s made something of herself;
Connor tells me she’s a doctor now. We
knew she would go far, didn’t we, Jo?”
This unprompted reunion gave
equal amounts of guilt and joy. They
were happy to see me, which was all
that mattered. It never even crossed my
mind they would be upset I left. I only
thought of myself. Connor’s actions were
selfish, yet they too affected everyone
around him. I had enough sadness for
today; I asked Charles and JoEllen if
they wanted to have dinner with us. They
politely declined and hugged me tightly
before leaving. Before walking away,
Charles turned to Connor.
“Not everyone gets second chances,
son. Don’t ruin yours.” He smiled at me
and then left.
Connor looked more crushed than I
had ever seen him before; I knew he was
done, too. I found Vivienne and told her
I was leaving. Her flight headed out later
in the evening, so we hugged and I
promised to call her. She once again
refused another dinner with us. Not
wanting to deal with anymore friction, I
put on my coat and kissed the last guest
good-bye. Connor walked with me to the
lot and opened the door without a word.
I waited for him to look at me before I
got in. He wouldn’t, though; he looked
everywhere else but at me.
With two leather gloved hands, I
held his face gently and turned it up
towards mine. He looked more like a
child than a grown man. In that moment, I
saw outside of myself and a glimpse of
the bigger picture. I wasn’t the only one
being confronted with my mistakes. The
weight of the world was crashing down
on his shoulders while he tried to make
some shelter over mine.
This karmic collision course was
not an accident. The urgency in my soul
started to press forth, feeling physically
uncomfortable in my skin; the only thing
that would sooth it was forgiveness. I
reached out and pulled him close,
refusing to let go first. He clung back,
saturating my neck in warm tears, as I
soaked his chest in mine. An eternity
passed before we broke the embrace.
Two wet, reddened faces greeted each
other while wiping snot away from our
noses.
With a laugh, I managed to sob out,
“Why does crying have to be so ugly?”
As Connor started to walk around
to his door, I grabbed his arm to pull him
back. Kissing him softly, I could feel the
peace wash over us both. He beamed at
me while helping me up into the seat.
“I’d like to take you somewhere,
Violet…somewhere special. Can I do
that? You have to stay an extra day, but it
would mean a lot to me.”
Not really having a reason to
decline, I simply nodded my head.
“I would like to go somewhere
special.”
Putting the Jeep into gear and
backing up slowly, he rested his hand on
my thigh with a grin.
“We need to pack then; we will
leave in the morning. It’s quite a drive
and I want to take my time getting there.”
Chapter 25 -
Shooting Stars
“Get up, Vy. We need to go now;
it’s a long drive.” Connor gently shook
my shoulders, attempting to rouse me
from the comatose state I was drifting
through. Sleepily rubbing my eyes and
pulling my boots on, I stumbled to the
door and down the steps, grabbing a
fleece blanket off the sofa along the way.
I wasn’t ready to wake up, and he was
driving. He helped me tilt the seat into a
reclined position and loaded the rest of
our things in the back. We were just
passing through the small town of
Penrose when the sun had enough of my
slumber.
“Morning, gorgeous. Good timing; I
need to get gas. We’re going to stop in
Canyon City – are you hungry?”
Stretching and yawning like a cat in a