held the flute stem and looked at
Shepard. It had to be a dream. “This has
to count as the drink you were going to
buy me. It’s technically breaking my one
drink rule, but it was so expensive, it
would be a shame to waste it. We should
toast.”
Looking off into the distance, I
could tell he was thinking of something
witty to say. Twisting his lips off to the
side into a winked expression, he
extended his glass towards me. “To
hope.”
Gently bumping the rims of our
glasses together before sipping the
bubbly liquid, the tart sweetness
reminded me of the bottle Alessa and I
shared.
“To hope.” Smiling into my glass
while taking another sip, it was the
same.
“
Veuve Clicquot
, fancy.” Both of
us turned to the attendant who was
pouring another glass out of the
trademark orange labeled bottle.
“Do you like it? You can have more
if you want.” His hand went up to call
the woman over as she was looking
around.
Lifting my wrist to raise the glass, I
watched her grin as she carefully topped
off the effervescent liquid. Cradling the
sides with my hands, I peered at the tiny
spheres rising rapidly to the surface.
“I had this for the first time not too
long ago. We drank nearly a whole
bottle in a half hour. It started out as
such a happy day. It feels like a million
years ago, not a few months.”
“You say started. What happened?”
Setting down his glass, he turned to give
me his full attention.
My eyes began to water. I pursed
my lips to breathe out and hold my
heartache in. Giggling to lighten the
situation, I shook my head and rubbed
my face. “Sorry, I have been a bit of a
mess lately. You always seem to appear
when I am a train wreck. You should
probably see if my seat is still available.
Ten hours is a long time to be exposed to
my current level of crazy.”
Pulling the napkin from under his
glass, he folded it and dabbed away at
the tears falling down my face. “Ten
hours is enough time for us to catch up. I
used to love your crazy. From what I
recall, I had a way of making you feel
better. Maybe I can today, too.”
His fingers went up and pinched my
nose gently in a playful fashion. Smiling
widely, he rested his head against the
seat and looked at me, taking everything
in.
“I already do feel better, Shepard,
you have no idea. I’m still not convinced
this isn’t a dream.”
He reached up to rest his palm
against my cheek, and I didn’t flinch. My
eyes closed and memorized the weight
and warmth of his touch.
The pilot came on over the
intercom to tell the flight attendants to
prepare for take-off and give the safety
speech. The engines hissed loudly while
the air pressure changed. Staring in
silence at each other as we felt
ourselves leave the ground, I wanted this
moment to last forever.
Not much more was said as we
were served dinner and a bottle of wine.
“I have been missing out my whole
life. I don’t know how I am going to sit
back there in a few days.”
Hiking my thumb and motioning to
coach between mouthfuls of butternut
squash ravioli, I saw his face drop.
“How long do you plan on being in
Germany?”
Finishing my bite, I wiped my
mouth, then set the napkin off to the side.
“A week. I have an interview in
Munich. A prestigious research company
approached me and I have been on leave
from work, so I thought it was worth a
shot.” I picked up my fork and scooted
the remains of my meal around the plate.
The discussion I wanted to avoid was on
the horizon.
“Why are you on leave? Are you
sick or something?” Concern was
washing over his face by the minute.
“A lot has happened recently. I felt
it was best. I just needed a break.”
His hand moved slowly across the
armrest and captured my restless fingers
tapping against the tray. Deep thumb
strokes along the crease in my palm
released a wave of calm. I had forgotten
what this was like. I would try and
recreate the motion when I was upset,
but it was never the same.
“Tell me what happened.” His
voice caressed my ears, penetrating into
my soul, the parched recesses of my
being begging for relief.
“Where do I even start?” I wiped
away the tears that seemed to never end.
His thumb continued the rhythmic
pattern of pressure, massaging the rest of
my hand with his other fingers.
“The beginning is always a good
place.”
I looked down at our hands,
cradled in each other as if they were
never apart. My heart stirred at the
unspoken request. He wanted to know
why I left. This wasn’t about me. He
wanted closure. Seeing me must have
woken something in him, too, but not
what I was feeling. My narcissism was
unbelievable.
With a deep inhale, my side of our
demise was about to meet his. The
dream was slowly turning into the
nightmare I feared. At least I knew when
I got off this plane; we would both be
able to go on, no longer carrying the
questions that burdened us.
“I woke up at a hospital in Chicago.
No one told me how I got there – just
that it was an upper level authorized
transfer. I was flown out of Lunken on a
private jet, and then transported by
helicopter. My sister filled me in on
many of the details. She also just told me
that you were at the hospital, but you
weren’t allowed to see me.”
His hand stopped rubbing upon
hearing that, yet he remained silent,
waiting for me to continue.
“I used to have this dream that you
were there, telling me that everything
was going to be okay. Claira told me I
used to cry out for you when I was
sleeping. It scared her at first, but she
just chalked it up to the concussion. I
was kept in a light coma for a little
while until the swelling on my brain
went down. When I came out of it, a
legal team was waiting to see if I would
prosecute your dad. I was advised to
cease all contact with you until the trial.
When your dad…”
My chest shook violently thinking
about the call I received that William
had shot himself. Knowing that I single
handedly ruined Shepard’s life never
stopped tearing me to shreds. His hand
tensed and withdrew from mine, the
action reinforcing my thoughts.
“I’m so sorry, Shepard. I never
meant to hurt you. I thought you would be
better off without me. You deserve a
good life. I’ve brought you nothing but
grief. You can live knowing I am paying
for every moment of it.”
I pulled the small pillow I was
resting on and smashed my face to muffle
the noise. A flight attendant came over to
ask if I was okay. Shepard rubbed my
back in an attempt to soothe me as I
leaned over between my knees.
“She will be fine, just give her a
moment.” The woman walked away,
satisfied he was taking care of me and I
wouldn’t be disturbing the other
passengers much longer. Upset I was
doing the very thing that I wanted to
avoid, I reached beneath my seat to my
bag and removed the red bottle of
Valium.
As I cracked the lid, Shepard
snatched the bottle from my hands.
“What are you doing?” He gave me an
accusing look after seeing the label on
the bottle and I reached back out for it.
“I’m calming down; these people paid
too much to listen to some mad woman
freak out over the damage she’s done in
her life. I will go sit in the bathroom
until it kicks in.”
Grabbing
the
seatbelt
and
unbuckling it, he grasped my elbow to
yank me out of the seat and marched to
the lavatory. Opening the door and
shoving me inside, he locked the door
behind him and shook the bottle in my
face.
“Is this what you’re doing again?
Numbing yourself because you can’t
cope? You are too damn important to
waste away. There are other methods of
handling it, Violet. This is not the
answer!” His tone was low and
menacing. The veins in his forehead
pulsed as he forced himself to contain
his emotions.
I had never felt anger towards him
before, but his accusations were out of
line. Just because he did something nice
for me that I didn’t ask for was not an
excuse to make snap judgments about my
decisions. Without thinking, my hand
raised and slapped him hard across the
face. Looking at me with surprise, he
rubbed the red mark appearing on his
cheek. My teeth clenched as I tried to
withhold the venom in my tongue.
“You have no damn idea what I
have been through. I know I ruined your
life, but this right now is bullshit. Don’t
act like you know anything about me. Let
me out, I am moving my seat. I don’t
need this.”
His hand blocked the door as I
reached to release the lock. “Sit down!”
He barked the order as his chest pushed
me backward onto the toilet. Reaching
out to keep from falling, I reluctantly sat
on the plastic lid. “I don’t know what
you have been through, and you don’t
know what I have been through. All I
know is I never thought I would get to
look into your eyes again. Now that I
have that chance, I don’t want you a
zombie. I don’t care if every person
onboard thinks we have lost our minds.
You may get off this plane and walk out
of my life forever, but I want every
moment with you present.”
He handed me the bottle, which I
clutched to my chest as I began to weep.
“My grandma died a few months ago. It
was the night of my first drug launch…
the last time I had that champagne. I got
the call at the investors’ dinner. I hit
bottom and made some really bad
choices. I don’t take these all the time –
just when I have panic attacks.”
My head remained dropped as I
tried to pull it together. The mound of
toilet paper filling the small waste can
was growing larger every moment. A
quiet knock on the door snapped me out
of the fog. Shepard unlatched the door
and opened it slowly. The same flight
attendant looked at me with pity.
“I appreciate you coming in here,
but it’s not necessary. I have some
blankets for you on your seat and some
tea if you would like.”
I wondered if the other passengers
said something to her so they could get
some sleep. I nodded my head and she
stepped away. Shepard reached out his
hand to help me stand. Pulling me tight, I
could feel his heart rattle in his chest.
“Violet, I am so sorry. I didn’t
know. I just saw you grab the bottle and
something came over me. I’m sorry.
Please stay with me.”
His pleading broke my heart. We
were both lost when it came to each
other. There only were six more hours
left to find some semblance of peace. I
squeezed him tighter and nestled into his
embrace. His arm stayed wrapped
around my waist as we walked down the
aisle to our seats. Most of the people
had sleeping masks on and those silly
neck braces. Once we settled back in,
the woman approached us with two
steaming teacups and a box of various
flavors. I plucked a ginger peach and
Shepard chose Earl Grey.
Dunking the bag several times in
the steaming water, I felt him watching
me like a hawk. The small packets of
sugar flipped back and forth in my