“Tawny, I love you.”
Turning around to face Judd, I nodded. “I feel like it’s my fault everything bad is happening.”
“That’s a fucking lie. Every damn good thing in my life is because of you. Until I met you, I didn’t even care if I died. I expected nothing and I got nothing. Then, I saw your scared face peeking out of the curtains at the motel and everything became more. What you’re feeling about being bad is a fucking lie and you need to ignore it. Just focus on how you saved me.”
Leaning against his shoulder, I focused on his words, instead of the ugly thoughts filling my mind. I didn’t ruin everything I touched. People needed me and I brought them happiness. Not only my beautiful Judd, but Farah and Bailey too. I made Lark laugh so hard one day she nearly passed out. People cared about me and my life had value in a way my father’s didn’t. He was why bad things happened this day. He was why his life had to end.
Even though I didn’t cry, I felt numb as we drove. I assumed Judd would take me to Farah, yet we parked on the curb next to a tall building in a newer trendy part of town.
Looking to Judd as he opened the door for me, I waited for him to explain. He simply took my hand and led me into the building. In the sales office on the main floor, a man wearing the nametag Donnie looked bored until he saw Judd. Bolting out of his chair, he smiled.
“You came back.”
“This is my woman and I want to show her the model and the unit on the top floor.”
“Of course,” Donnie said. “I’ll open the door and let you explore all the options.”
Judd directed me into a bottom floor condo smelling as if air fresheners had exploded inside. Everything was clean, new, and staged. While beautiful, it didn’t feel like a home.
“What are we doing here?” I asked after Donnie left us in a foyer leading into an ultra modern kitchen.
“This place has two units on the top floor. Big ones with decent views. Not like the hotel on the way here, but six floors up is still nice.”
“You want to move here?”
Judd shoved his hands into his pockets. “I want to have a home. Not my place with you living in it, but a real home for us. A place for the cats and a kid one day. I don’t want a house though or a yard. I can’t do that suburbia crap. If that’s what you want, I can fake it, but this is the kind of living I like. I don’t want to mow lawns or talk over fences to soccer dads. Like I said, I’ll fake it, but I hope I don’t have to.”
Glancing around the beautiful sterile condo, I shrugged. “I wouldn’t say no to living in a place like this, but you didn’t say anything before. Now, you make this big move.”
“I wasn’t sure if I should wait until after Farah’s wedding. But we’re talking about another cat and a baby down the road. My place doesn’t have a family vibe to it. I like my neighbors, but they’d hate having a kid crying. I’d hate it too, but it’d be my kid, so what can I do?”
Walking into the kitchen, I ran my fingers over the sleek countertops.
“We’d get to choose stuff,” Judd said, following me. “Personalize it. As much as I try to think of my place as our place, I can’t. It was mine for a long time and I want a place that feels like ours. Besides, my place was meant for me to be alone. With you, I never want to be alone again.”
Glancing at him over my shoulder, I smiled a little. “So this is the model, but the place we would get is on the top floor?”
“It’s huge too. Two bedrooms. Well three, but one is small as shit. More like an office. It can house the cat shit or kid stuff eventually. I mean, I don’t need a damn office.”
“Me either.”
“It’s up on the top floor and has access to the rooftop deck. We’d only have the one neighbor across the hall and it’s got a nice view. You can see the woods and I bet at night, we could see all the city lights. It’d be pretty nice.”
Imagining what Judd would give up by leaving his home, I caressed his cheek. “It wouldn’t be as quiet here.”
Judd placed his hand over mine and stared into my eyes. “It’s too easy for me to be quiet. Too easy to dig into my head and hide there. I need to stay out here with you. Not always. Sometimes, we need to be alone with ourselves, but I want the rest of my time to be with you and it’d be nice here.”
Glancing around, I tried to get excited about this step for us. “Can you show me around since you’ve been here before?”
“How you feeling?”
“Like I shot my dad and left him to be finished off,” I whispered. “I feel like something really bad happened today and not just with him. It’s like my past is clinging to me, but what you have found here. Bringing me here and telling me what we could build together, that feels like tomorrow. I want to dream of tomorrow because my dad and all that bullshit isn’t part of tomorrow. It’s the past and I want to leave it there.”
Judd kissed me gently, comforting me with his touch. “I would die without you, angel. I would fucking lose the will to live. My old life wouldn’t be worth shit. Not now that I’ve seen what it could be. I know what happened today was bad and I bet your fucking father said some evil shit. I know you want to go to that dark place inside you, but you need to stay with me. I need you too much for you to leave me, okay?”
“Okay,” I said, holding his face in my hands. “No one is ever taking me from you and that includes me.”
Grinning, Judd wrapped an arm protectively around my shoulder as he showed me the living room, the useless little bedroom, and the master bedroom. When we stepped into the bigger secondary bedroom, I felt a surge of excitement.
“It’s beautiful,” I cooed, hurrying into a baby’s room complete with a child’s name on the wall in white letters. “When we have a baby,” I said, pausing when I saw the horror in Judd’s eyes, “in a few years, I want the room to look like this one. Can you imagine how amazing it would be to grow up in such a beautiful room?”
“I come from shitty stock,” he said, hands shoved in his pockets again.
“Me too, but we’re starting over right now with us. Our kids won’t be shit. They’ll be the best of us plus a whole lot more.”
Judd gave me a grin. “My angel is coming out of the darkness.”
Sharing his smile, I asked, “Can we see the condo you want? The one up high.”
As Judd’s smile grew, I knew he was proud of himself for finding this place. I was proud of him too. It was so easy to remain in the old life where it was safe for him, but he was embracing the unknown. With me, he’d find his way.
Up on the top floor in the empty space, I imagined the condo finished with Pearl and our future kitten living there. I also pictured one day staring out of the big windows with Judd and our child. The future was so damn beautiful from where I was standing.
“You saved me, Judd. Months ago and that night in the rain and the day in the woods and today and every day we’re together, you always save me. You’re my knight.”
Giving me a heartbreakingly beautiful smile, Judd took my hand. “And you’re my angel.”
Chapter Thirty One
On Valentine’s Day, Farah married Cooper in the Ellsberg Baptist Church. Hair in ringlets around her beautiful face, she looked like a princess walking down the aisle on the arm of Kirk. Up at the altar, Cooper gave everyone his cocky smirk until he got a look at Farah. Expression softening, he actually looked stunned as she took his hand.
“Are you okay?” she whispered.
“Hell yeah, I am. My girl’s a goddess.”
Farah laughed and her jitters vanished. The rest of the wedding went off without a hitch. Even our grandmother seemed pleased.
By the time of the reception, everyone was in a great mood. Farah was so relaxed she never once glanced at me for support while sharing her first dance with Cooper as husband and wife. They were magic together. Watching them, I alternated from giggling and crying at the sight of Farah so happy.
After the first dance, others joined them for the next song. Jodi and Kirk looked as hot for each other as I suspected they were when they made Cooper. Tucker danced with one arm wrapped around Maddy and the other hand caressing where their daughter grew. Even Bailey danced with a barefoot Sawyer.
In Judd’s arms, I watched everyone in such a blissful state. While my face hurt from smiling so much, the day had been great and it wasn’t over yet.
“I got you a Valentine’s present,” I said, grinning up at Judd.
“I got you one too.”
“I know. Our sweet kitty Opal, but my gift might be better.”
“Oh, really?” he asked, swaying to the beat with me pressed against him.
Pulling up the sleeve of my dark red dress, I showed him the freshly inked tattoo on my wrist.
“I’ll be wearing this in five years and for the rest of my life.”
Looking at his name tattooed across my wrist, Judd stopped dancing.
“Angel,” he whispered, sounding choked up. “I hope you’ll want that on you forever.”
“Oh, I will.”
Wrapping his arms tighter around me, he swayed to the music again.
“Later, I have another gift for you,” he said and I immediately grinned. “No, not that. I didn’t want to steal Farah’s thunder and all that, but I have something special for my woman. Something in a small box that goes on her finger.”
Swallowing hard, I fought the urge to scream with joy. “Really?”
“The look on your face right now is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen,” Judd whispered. “Fuck, I hope you always look at me like that.”
“I will,” I murmured, tugging him closer. “You’re mine.”
“If I can get even five years with you, I’ll be a lucky bastard.”
Cupping his face, I caressed his freshly shaven skin. “I’ll love you always,” I whispered, lifting onto my tiptoes to kiss him. “Always.”
Epilogue
Everyone said Gunnar had my eyes. While we shared a deep shade of brown, every time he gave me his sad-eyed expression, our boy was all Judd. As I packed my suitcase for the trip to Vegas, he gave me that look a lot. At two, Gunnar didn’t understand vacations or wedding anniversaries, but he understood this was a trip he wasn’t taking with Mommy and Daddy. Instead, he was spending three days with Aunt Farah.
Standing in front of the mirror, I checked out my new bangs. Tina had suggested I try a new look to get out of my comfort zone. Judd enjoyed my new look and planned to show me how much on our vacation.
Cuddling up behind me as I messed with the bangs, he kissed my neck. “Three days with no noise constraints. I’m making you scream, babe.”
“You better keep that promise,” I whispered, glancing at Gunnar who pushed around a bubble toy. “It’ll be weird leaving him.”
“I know, but a five year anniversary deserves celebrating.”
“Hell yeah, it does.”
After giving me a hungry kiss, Judd picked up Gunnar who was giving us the look again. Daddy and son stood near the large windows, watching the traffic below. I recalled those nine months waiting for Gunnar to be born and how tense Judd had been through it all. A ball of nerves during the delivery, he even refused to hold Gunnar until we were alone in the room. Finally, he took his tiny son in his arms and wept.
Not with pride or joy, but fear at what his son might become.
“We’ll raise him to be honorable,” I said, caressing Judd’s head as he rocked his son and calmed himself. “We’ll raise him to take care of women like you take care of me. He’ll be a good man.”
Judd looked at me and forced a smile. “Promise.”
“I promise he’ll have honor and never be your dad or brother.”
Judd had sighed in a sad way as if he didn’t believe my words. The next day in the hospital, he barely looked at the baby. Yet, once we were home, Judd and his boy became inseparable. Quiet like his dad, Gunnar even smiled like him. Hell, his half grin killed me every time.
Bags packed, we left the cats and drove to Farah’s house. Things were moving slowly on the dream house she and Cooper were building in the woods. I suspected this pleased them both since they had enough new things to worry over without adding a move to the list.
Answering the door, Farah was still dressed for work in casual slacks and a stretchy pink shirt covering her latest baby bump. A son was on the way after two girls, but Cooper was just happy to have another baby. Crazy about the Irish twins Lily and Miranda sitting on his hips, he joined Farah at the door. Lily with her dark wavy hair and Miranda with her matching blonde locks waved at their little cousin who hid his face against Judd.
“He’s not thrilled,” I told Farah as she took his bag.
“We’ll keep him busy.”
Rubbing her bump, I felt Colton kick my hand. “Three more months and this place will be a zoo.”
“If you get your wish for a Vegas baby, you’ll add to our zoo soon enough,” she said, giving me a wink.
Laughing, I joined her on the couch. Even exhausted, Farah was happy and confident. Having found a job share arrangement with another second grade teacher, Farah worked in the mornings while the girls stayed with Aunt Maddy who ran a small daycare. Five year old Scarlet played big cousin and kept everyone entertained with her loud mouth and easy laugh.
Leaving Gunnar was harder than I expected, so we lingered at the house for as long as we could without missing our flight. Finally, Farah hugged me against her and glanced at where Judd settled Gunnar in with his cousins. on the ground with the kids, Cooper bench-pressed Lily to Miranda’s amusement. Even Gunnar laughed at his silly uncle.
Motorcycle club president and crime boss by trade, lawyer on the side, and Daddy and husband twenty four seven, Cooper had everything he wanted. Proving this fact, he paused his goofy play long enough to wink at a beaming Farah. My sister had her dream life and so much more.
Judd and I didn’t say much as we drove to the airport. Like most parents, we felt guilty for leaving our child, so we could party on our own. Yet, we deserved to celebrate. Early in our marriage, Judd hasn’t been sure we’d make the five year mark. In fact, there were days when I saw him waiting for me to leave. If I tried a new haircut or talked about learning a new skill, Judd gave me his sad-eyed look as if I was outgrowing him.
Of course, I never did or ever would. I’d always be his angel and he’d always be my knight.