“Lazy and whiny. Hard to believe I haven’t dropped my panties yet.”
Even though I wasn’t kidding, Judd grinned. Then, his gaze met the still frowning waiter.
“Do we have a problem, bud?” Judd asked in a low growl.
The waiter blinked once then suddenly wasn’t concerned at all. “Are you ready to order or do you need more time?”
“More time. Get me a beer.”
“Foreign or domestic?” the waiter asked, eliciting a dark frown from Judd. “I’ll get your beer.”
After the waiter left, I studied Judd who looked hot in a buttoned black shirt and jeans. His tanned skinned was warm like honey next to the darkness of his shirt. Catching me looking at him, Judd smiled, but his eyes weren’t amused. They were hungry.
Farah often talked about how Cooper was forever horny. I suspected Judd was horny, but I felt more than simple lust from him. He watched me like a predator starving for the meal just feet away. All I had to do was relent and allow him to snag his dinner.
“Why are you working?” he asked, setting aside the menu. “And living in that shithole apartment? Cooper has money and that big house in suburbia. You should be living there with your sister.”
“They’re gone all day at school. Besides, they just fell in love and now they want to fuck constantly,” I said, lifting my gaze to meet his. “And I mean constantly. They don’t need me around.”
“Can’t you go to school?”
“I hate school.”
“Me too, but I graduated high school. You should at least do that much.”
“Thanks for the advice, Dad.”
Eyes narrowed, Judd glared hard at me. I imitated him and we stared angrily at each other until the nervous waiter appeared. Once Judd took a swig of beer, he let me win the staring match. We ordered then the waiter left us to an awkward silence.
“You should get a better job,” Judd said, tapping his fingers on the table. “Something where you get paid more. Have Cooper find you something.”
“I want to do things on my own. Farah built a life here and I want to build one too. If I live there and rely on Cooper’s money, I’m just glomming onto their life.”
“Are you punishing yourself, is that it?”
Shrugging, I glanced around then back at Judd. “I want to be strong.”
“You are strong.”
“Not really.”
Judd exhaled softly. “No, I guess not, but you’re stronger than you think. You’re stronger than when we met. Hell, you told me no and we both know that couldn’t have been easy.”
Giving him a little grin, I shrugged again. “Wasn’t that hard either.”
“Liar.”
Grinning wider, I sighed. “I really wanted you.”
Judd’s smile faded. “I know. I wanted you too.”
“That time has passed.”
“No. We still want it. That’s why you look at me like I’m both your salvation and a death sentence. You still want me and I clearly still want you.”
“You walked away.”
“I wanted you to do well on your own.”
“Then let me.”
“Now, I want you to do well on your own with me standing nearby. Also with me frequently inside you.”
“Don’t be nasty.”
“It wouldn’t be. Somehow, it’d be better than anything I’ve known.”
Even as my skin flushed at the thought of us alone and naked, I shrugged with disinterest. “That’s the Arby’s thing talking.”
“Stop with the Arby’s shit, will you? You’re a beautiful chick and I can’t get you out of my head. Comparing you to a fucking shit eatery isn’t acceptable. It’s like comparing the Sistine Chapel to my auntie’s house. Ain’t even close.”
Lowering my head, I smiled behind my hand. Knowing I was stupid to fall for his compliments, I had needed him to want me since the first day we met. Now, he did, but it wouldn’t last.
“I like that shirt on you,” I said, sipping my drink and acting casual. “You clean up nice, Judd.”
Something hid behind his hunger and I saw it awaken in that moment. The emotion was like desperation. As if I offered every possibility for him, yet remained just out of reach. Then, Judd blinked and the emotion was hidden by his cold blue eyes.
“Tell me you didn’t want that guy.”
“You mean lie?”
Judd swallowed. “How can you want him and me? He’s a fucking child who nearly wet himself then ditched you like a coward. I’m a man.”
“I remember you mentioning you’re a man that day you ditched me like a coward.”
Judd exhaled softly. “Fuck,” he whispered.
“Yes, it’s cruel of me to use your words against you.”
“You want this.”
“I want to eat only candy and stay up late watching TV and sit on my ass like a lazy bitch every day. I want lots of things that are bad for me. I’m an adult now and I can’t afford to make bad choices.”
Judd glanced around with a grumpy expression. He suddenly looked rather young and maybe a little lost too.
“Aren’t you going to say how you’re not a bad decision?” I asked when he said nothing.
“I’m a shit decision. The worst of your life, but we both need you to make it.”
Twirling my hair, I shook my head. “Farah came here and worked hard. She had to live with my mom. Farah made friends and met Cooper and took chances and made a new life. I’m doing that too because I want a good life. I never wanted anything besides not to die violently or for my sister to stop loving me. Now, I want nice things too.”
When he only watched me silently, I whispered, “You’re beautiful.”
Judd exhaled as if he was exhausted. “I need you to say yes.”
“I can’t.”
“Guys like that punk from earlier will treat you nice until they fuck you then they’ll walk away. This college town is full of those fuckers. Not just the college guys either. The club guys, men outside the club, but who work for the Johanssons. There are a lot of men around here who use young women. I should know. I was one of them.”
“Was?”
“I want you.”
“For how long?”
“Until I don’t.”
Deflating a little, I shrugged. “Nice sales pitch.”
“So you want to be sold on this.”
“I want you, but I can’t have you. I see how proud Farah is when she does well on a test. She’s different now. Confident and strong. She gets that from Cooper because she can be real with him. Maybe I can’t have school and a sense of accomplishment like that, but I can feel good about work. I’ve made friends and I’ve never had friends except for Farah. I like who I’m becoming, but I have to make good decisions and you said you’re a bad decision.”
“I’m not a man to depend on. I could lie and tell you to trust me, but you deserve better than bullshit.”
Judd and I shared the same habit as Farah and me where we could fall into silence for periods of time without it feeling weird. For the next few minutes until dinner arrived, we simply watched each other while hiding in our heads.
Dinner brought a few throwaway comments about how good the food tasted then we returned to silence. After I ate and enjoyed the sensation of a full stomach, I really looked at Judd.
Even knowing he was bad for me, I couldn’t shake how beautiful he was and how much I wanted to kiss him again. While he would discard me in a way I might never recover from, I needed to know.
“We should have sex.”
“We will,” he said, giving me a grin. “Not the way you mean.”
“Come again?”
“And again and again.”
Rolling my eyes, I ignored his grin. “Do you want to go somewhere and have sex?”
“Sex sounds too clinical.”
“Fuck then.”
Judd frowned. “No, I fuck other women. I don’t know what it would be called with you. Sex sounds like how my mom whispers the word though.”
“So do you want to go somewhere?”
“No.”
“Why?”
“Because you’re not looking at me like you did in the parking lot that day. You’re looking at me like this is an errand you need to run. The Arby’s you need to get out of your system. I want you to look at me like you did that day.”
“I don’t know how I looked at you.”
“Don’t expect me to imitate the facial expression. I only have three of them and I’m not angry or coming. That only leaves the expression you’re looking at right now.”
“You’re too fucking precious with all your sweet talk.”
Judd’s eyes narrowed, but I saw him fighting a grin. “I don’t sweet talk or romance chicks. I just talk them up and let them know I want to fuck. They either walk away or don’t. It’s not complicated. This here with you is all kinds of complicated.”
“I don’t know what to tell you.”
“Tell me you want me.”
“I want to…” With sex and fuck off the table, I finished with, “be naked with you.”
“You’re still not looking at me like you did that day.”
“It’s not that day anymore.”
Judd’s gaze darkened. “I need you to look at me like that. If you don’t, I’ll fuck you and use you like I use women. I need that damn look, but you’re looking at me like I’m shit.”
“You hurt me. Forgiving assholes is a loser move. I want to be stronger than that.”
“I want you to be stronger too, but you need to let me in because I need to know.”
“If I’m your Arby’s?”
Judd sagged a little in the chair. “I feel like I’ll never get what I want.”
“Don’t cry. You’re a man, remember?”
“And you’re being a nasty bitch.”
“Don’t call me a bitch. Ever.”
Judd grinned at my tone. “If you keep giving me that sexy look, I’m excusing myself to deal with something in the bathroom.”
“Ew.”
“You get me riled up.”
Again, I felt flustered by his comments because I really wanted him to find me beautiful. No one except Farah ever said I was, but I needed for Judd to see me that way. I might even think it about myself one day, if I knew this was how he saw me.
Instead of admitting my feelings, I remained angry. “If you call me a bitch again, I’ll really think you’re shit.”
“Dad called you a bitch, didn’t he?”
“Among other people.”
Judd watched me with those sad blue eyes. “I don’t want to be included with the other people.”
“Then, don’t say it to me.”
“Yes, ma’am,” he said, giving me a lazy smile.
“I want to be treated with respect,” I muttered, still irritated. “I’ve noticed how Bailey and her mom walk around expecting people to treat them with respect. They’re respected even when Bailey does dumb stuff.”
“That’s not respect, babe. That’s fear.”
“Maybe, but I’ll settle for respect.”
“I respect you.”
“No, you don’t.”
“I view you different than I view most people. You have value where most people don’t and I don’t respect most people. I figure that means I respect you.”
“I don’t think it means respect.”
“Whatever. You’re pissy now.”
“You called me a bitch.”
“I know. I was right here when it happened.”
At no point had Judd apologized for calling me a bitch. I knew this and so did he.
Glaring at him, I looked around. “I need to go home.”
Judd’s eyes held a cold indifference. Yet, I knew he was working things out, so he might still get what he wanted. I had offered my body, but he wanted my heart too. When I said no, he hurt me once again. Screw him!
“I’ll catch the bus,” I said, standing up. “Thanks for dinner.”
“What makes you think I’m paying for your half of the bill?” he muttered, glancing up at me as I slid on my jacket.
Panic struck as I imagined how much I’d spent then I shrugged. “Cooper will pay for it. I’ll call him and explain what happened.”
“Don’t threaten me.”
“Have a good night.”
Leaving the restaurant, I hoped to outmaneuver Judd. The moment I thought this, I knew I was being stupid. The man hunted criminals for other criminals. He was a killer like Cooper said, so I wasn’t outmaneuvering shit.
Walking towards the bus stop down the street, I heard a snap of thunder in the distance. More autumn storms were headed our way and I would likely get stuck waiting in the rain for my bus transfer.
Judd pulled his black SUV next to the bus stop. Leaning over to open the passenger door, he said, “I’m driving you home.”
When a drop of rain splashed down on my nose, I sighed at how the fucking weather was on Judd’s side. Yet, he needed to be punished. Even if he didn’t, I wanted to be strong and he always made me weak. However, there was nothing strong about throwing a fit and getting soaked to make a point.
Climbing into the SUV, I shut the door. “I assume you know where I live.”
“You need a new place.”
“I guess you don’t need directions then.”
Jaw twitching with irritation, Judd sighed. “This is happening.”
“I offered the naked thing, but you’re never satisfied.”
“You don’t want the naked thing,” he said, a mocking tone to the last two words. “Not the way you’re offering. You need it to be special. Some chicks can get off and walk away. You aren’t one of them.”
“I could be anyone I wanted, if I just worked hard enough.”
“You know that’s bullshit. People can’t choose to be whatever they want, but they believe the fairytale to give themselves false hope. You are what and who you are.”
“And what’s that?”
“Damaged and desperate to find a place where you fit,” he said and I frowned at him. “You fit with me.”
“Is that a dick pussy thing?”
“You know what it is. If I only wanted to fuck you, I’d have agreed earlier. I need this as much as you do.”
Leaning away from him, I stared out the window as the storm broke free. Judd watched me whenever we sat at lights, but I ignored him. Depression crept around my thoughts as I remembered how he smiled for me during our trip. How he carried me to bed when I had a nightmare. How he never touched me, despite promising he would take even if I didn’t offer. Mostly, I remembered how I felt in his arms.
As much as I needed him, he had hurt me once and I knew he would again. My heart was bruised from his last rejection. Yet, he needed what he needed and tomorrow wasn’t his concern. It was mine though.
Arriving at my apartment, I looked out at the dark evening. Everything was murky through the heavy rains.
“Thanks for dinner,” I said, reaching for the door handle.
Judd took my hand and watched me with pained eyes. “I don’t accept that.”