Judd glanced at me. “Are you challenging to prove my stud credentials?”
“Maybe.”
Our eyes met and held in that moment. Even though he sported those tattoos and I feared how strong he was and how easy it would be for him to hurt me, I was curious. About how his powerful arms would feel wrapped around me. About how his full lips would feel tasting mine. Would he kiss me soft or rough? Would he hold me too tightly and cause me to panic or would he know just how snug to keep me against him? I wanted to know what he felt like. Based on the look in Judd’s eyes, he wanted to know too.
Judd blinked and looked away. Frowning, he stared hard at the road as if angry with it. Maybe he was angry with himself? Then, he took a deep breath and let it all out. When his blue eyes found me again, they lacked the questioning hunger from moments earlier. He was back under control and I hated the distance between us now.
“You’re going to stop distracting me while I drive,” he said and there was no humor in his voice. “Do you understand?”
“Jeans tight?” I asked, daring him.
Judd narrowed his eyes at me in a rather scary way. Instead of shirking away from him, I remembered how it was his job to get me to Ellsberg safely. Narrowing my eyes, I glared right back at him. We held those angry gazes for a few minutes then he grinned.
“Yes,” he said, answering my question as he stared at the now moving traffic. “So shut up, will ya?”
Smiling, I leaned against the window. I had flirted for the first time in my life and it felt amazing. Sharing my ugly secrets, even if just a little of them, hadn’t made me feel like a piece of shit either. I felt stronger now, more adult, and less afraid of my past.
I couldn’t wait to tell Farah. She watched out for me over the years and I knew she worried I’d end up a loser with a dead-end job and an angry husband and rowdy kids. I’d be the sister she loved, but hated to have around for the holidays. Farah would never tell me these fears, but I knew she felt them. Yet, she would be proud of me for not hiding from Judd, even if he scared the crap out of me. Not only did he remind me of my dad who could lash out randomly, but Judd reminded me of those bikers. They claimed to be studs too.
Silence felt good as I was haunted by thoughts of the week as a motorcycle club’s plaything. I told myself it was too long ago to care about, but that was a lie. After so long with so many men, there was no washing away that week.
Judd said nothing until nearly four when we pulled into a Denny’s in Oklahoma. We were seated in a booth near a table full of noisy kids. Our waitress was friendly and I focused on her, instead of the people around me. Weeks alone in the motel had made me downright paranoid about people.
After Jennifer brought our food, Judd finally acknowledged me sitting across from him. I liked having his gaze on me, even though his eyes held a sadness to them. No matter if they were cold or hard or emotionless, I always felt the sadness. I didn’t think many people would notice because of his handsome, yet intimidating face. Women would want him. Men would fear him. I just wondered where the sadness came from and if I might help it fade?
“I’m almost eighteen.”
“It’s just an age.”
“I’ll be able to vote,” I said, watching him while he studied the menu.
“Voting doesn’t do anything except make people feel important.”
“I’m doing it anyway.”
“Good for you.”
“You should vote. You can get one of those ‘I vote. I count’ stickers.”
Glancing up at me, Judd frowned. “Why the fuck would I care about that?”
“You seem like the kind of man who would be tempted if stickers were involved.”
When Judd smiled big, his face changed from the cold, slightly sad expression into something amazing. I wish he would always smile because the world was so much more beautiful when he did.
“You’re a weird kid.”
“I’m not a kid. I don’t have to wait for two months for that.”
Judd’s smile faded and he stared at me in a weird way. I felt him pulling away then he exhaled hard.
“This,” he said, gesturing between us, “isn’t happening.”
“Why?”
“I have an old lady back in town and she’s the kind of woman to hack shit off a man who cheated on her.”
For a few seconds, I couldn’t breathe. As if someone punched me hard in the stomach, I waited for the air to return.
“What’s her name?” I asked as my eyes grew hot once I realized I was flirting with a taken man.
My family didn’t have many rules, but cheating was frowned upon. Well, unless money was involved like in a scam. In that case, it was completely acceptable to sleep with anyone.
Judd stared at me then looked away at a pair of loud happy children. “Jennifer.”
I wanted Judd to be mine. He had saved me and I felt better when he was around. Even when his face was hard and all of the emotion faded from his eyes until he was just lost to me, I felt like he should be mine. He scared me like Cooper scared Farah. Yet, Farah got to keep Cooper. I didn’t get to keep Judd though.
After our order was taken, I was still fighting the urge to cry. “Jennifer,” I said, testing out the name of the woman who had what I wanted. “Jennifer,” I said again, smiling a little bit now.
Judd squinted at me. “What?”
“Like our waitress is named Jennifer?”
“Jennifer’s a common name,” he said, challenging me with his cold glare.
“Does your Jennifer have a long braid too?” I asked, taunting him.
Judd tried to keep up his lie for another minute. Finally, he swore while running his hands through his thick dark hair.
“I can’t lie for shit when you stare at me like that.”
Leaning back into the booth, I smiled brightly. “Well, it’s a good thing you and me ain’t happening because I would so own your ass, wouldn’t I? Lying is the key to winning an argument.”
“I could win it,” he said then shook his head. “I am winning it. You and I ain’t happening, kid.”
“I’m not a child.”
“Not happening,” he said slowly.
“Why?”
When Judd slapped his big hands together, the sound they made was loud enough to startle me into the corner of the booth. “That’s why, kid. You’re not ready for any man, let alone one like me.”
“Why like you?” I asked, shaking and nervous now.
“You don’t think Cooper sent me because I’m a boy scout, do you?
“No, but I want to be strong and strong women should be with strong men.”
Sighing, Judd rolled his eyes. “Strong? That’s what you got from what I said?”
“Scary. Violent. Whatever,” I said, sitting a little easier now. “You don’t scare me.”
“I just did.”
“You were loud. Those kids could have dropped something and I would have jumped just as much. They’re not scary.”
“Oh, I don’t know. The little girl looks like a terror.”
Our food arrived quickly, but I kept my gaze on Judd. “I’m not someone who’d be dirtied to be with a man like you.”
Judd watched me with a slight frown. “You’re not giving up.”
“No.”
“You will. You’ll get to town and see your sister and shit will be all kittens and puppies and bake sales. You’ll go to school and smile at boys your age and realize why this didn’t happen.”
“I’m not going to school and I would never smile at another boy. I’m loyal and I have only one boy I want to smile at.”
“I’m not a boy.”
“What makes you think I was talking about you?” I asked, cutting my pancakes. “Maybe I’ve got my eye on someone else.”
“Right,” he muttered, squinting at me.
“Farah told me about this guy she thinks I should date. She said he’s really hot and I’m super shallow. I plan to date him and smile at him and get naked with him. It’ll be so great.”
Staring at me, Judd almost thought I was telling the truth. That part of him was jealous.
Seeing this, I smiled. “Do you date a lot?”
“I like dating,” he said in a low voice. “It’s relaxing.”
Rolling my eyes, I shuddered. “Men are gross.”
Judd gave me another one of those smiles. “Trust me, kid. You don’t know the half of it.”
“Stop calling me that.”
“No.”
“Fine, if I’m a kid, I get to call you daddy.”
“Don’t,” he growled.
Instead of responding to his implied threat, I laughed. “You growled like a dog.”
“Just eat your food.”
“Okay, Daddy.”
“Fuck. Stop it.”
“Stop it what?”
Judd tensed his body and I watched all of those tanned muscles flex then he sighed. “Stop it, Tawny,” he said then added, “Or else.”
“Why did you call me angel this morning?”
Judd shook his head. “Doesn’t matter.”
“No one’s ever called me something pretty like that before.”
“You never had a guy call you anything nice?”
“Farah and I weren’t allowed to date.”
“If every kid listened to their parents, the world would be less crazy, but considerably less fun.”
“You ever try to sneak out of a motel room you share with your dad?”
“Can still have a boyfriend. Just harder to hook up.”
“Do you wish I had a boyfriend?”
Judd studied me in a soft way. “I wish you had someone to say sweet things to you.”
If I was braver, I would have jumped across the booth and kissed him. I’d hold him and never let him go. In my heart, I knew Judd was safe. Yet, my head viewed him as a threat and it had no interest in jumping across the table and kissing anyone. My head wasn’t running the show at the moment.
“I want to know why you called me that,” I said, slightly breathless between my nerves and growing lust.
Shrugging dismissively, he muttered, “No reason. I was dreaming.”
“You were awake when you said it.”
“I thought I was still dreaming.”
Sensing he wanted a reason to share, I offered, “I’ll tell you something if you tell me that.”
“Tell me what?”
“What do you want to know? It’ll be like an exchange of info.”
Judd poked hard at his food like he was working out an internal struggle in his head. Finally, he nodded.
“Fine. I want to know why you stayed in that room starving? I know you couldn’t move the dresser, but you could have climbed out the window.”
“I had no money and what was waiting outside was worse than starving to death.”
Studying me with his cold eyes, he asked, “If I hadn’t come, you would have let yourself die?”
“I figured I would die either way and my biggest fear is to die violently.”
“Why?”
“Would you want to die violently?”
“No, but most seventeen year old girls…”
“I’m not a girl. I’m a woman.”
“You can say that a million times and it doesn’t change anything in my head.”
“How about a million and one times?” I asked, giving him a grin. “I think you want me to change your mind.”
Judd watched me with those sad eyes. “Of course, I do. Any man would want an excuse to do something naked with you. Only an evil man would let you con him into it though.”
“It’s not evil to be close to someone you like.”
“You’re young.”
“Tell me why you called me angel.”
“Tell me why that’s your biggest fear.”
“No way. I shared my greatest fear with you, something only my sister knows, and you’re stalling. Don’t be a cheat. Just tell me.”
Placing his hands flat on the table, he glared at me. “I tell you this and you don’t make an issue of it. You don’t make it mean anything or get goo-goo eyes over it.”
“Is it sexy?” I asked with a hint of both excitement and dread in my voice.
Judd rolled his eyes. “When I was a kid, my mom took off for a while. Like she had to run to get away from my dad. One early morning, she came back for us and snuck into the house. I woke with the light bright behind her and she was dressed all in white looking like an angel,” he said, running a hand over his arm as if tense. “That’s what I thought she was for a minute. An angel saving me. So, yeah, when I woke up with you wrapped in that white blanket and the light all around you, I thought you were an angel. That’s all it was. Sleepy brain shit.”
“Did you think I was beautiful?” I asked like a dope.
Judd’s grumpy expression softened. “You are beautiful. You know that too.”
“I don’t feel beautiful. I don’t like looking in the mirror and seeing my reflection.”
“Why the fuck not?”
“I just don’t. I don’t like knowing what I look like. I force myself to look, just enough that I can check for gunk on my face and in my teeth. I don’t like doing it, so sometimes I just asked Farah.”
“That’s fucked up. You know that, right?”
I nodded. “You’re probably fucked up too. I think maybe we could be less fucked up if we were together.”
“Never happening.”
Grinning, I kicked him gently under the table. “The more you say that, the dumber you’ll look when you’re kissing me and hugging me and marrying me and pushing that baby carriage.”
“I don’t want kids.”
“Why?”
“My family has a genetic defect and I don’t want to pass it on.”
“What kind of defect?”
“We’re assholes.”
“I don’t think that’s genetic. If it is, I have it too.”
Judd smiled softly. “I wish you liked looking at yourself in the mirror. Not like a shallow bitch or anything, but you should like yourself more.”
“I like myself fine. I just don’t like my face.”
“That’s part of you.”
“Leave it alone.”
Judd smiled at my tone. “Do you look like your sister?”
“A little. We both have brown hair and eyes, but my facial features take after my mom more. I get my height from my dad. Haven’t you met Farah?”
“No, but she has the boss wrapped around her finger. Never thought I’d see that happen. Coop is a big time hitter. Having him go solo like that makes me think he’s found the one.”
“Hitter?” I asked, breathing too fast. “Like someone who hits people?”
“Girls,” Judd said, poking at his food. When he looked up at me and saw I was freaked, he added, “A player. He sleeps around, you know?”
“Oh. Do you?”
“Yes. Sex and relationships mean nothing to me,” he said, giving me a cold stare.
“I mean something to you though.”