“If she’s a bitch, I’ll hold her down while you punch her in the face.”
Smiling weakly, I felt the panic growing. “What if she says I’m too fucked up to help?”
“She’s getting paid, babe. No way she tells you that you’re beyond help.”
Staring into his eyes, I fiddled with the crucifix necklace. “I’m scared.”
“I know, but I’ll be with you. If things go south, I’ll take you back to my place and make you feel better.”
“Therapy is for losers,” I whispered.
“My mom went to therapy and she’s not a loser.”
“Your mom has an exotic name. Is she exotic?”
“No. My grandparents just wanted to be different.”
Nodding again, I leaned my head against his shoulder and traced the angel on his forearm. Her lashes were thick and I wondered if mine looked that way too? We sat silently for the next few minutes until Dr. Nicholson called us into her office. She wanted to speak with me alone, but I told her no. Judd said nothing, only giving her the dark look that shut down further conversation.
The doctor said I could call her Tina. She even looked a bit like Aunt Pam except less rundown by life.
While I was afraid of her questions, she talked around things a lot that first day. She wanted to know about the medication my doctor prescribed and what I hoped to gain from taking it. When I told her how I kept thinking negative things about myself, she asked for examples. Instead of pacing myself, I blurted out how I was raped and a whore and I had all those orgasms and hated myself now. Tina only nodded and wrote something down on her clipboard.
While I should have been irritated by her lack of a reaction, it actually helped. Later, as we left, Tina explained how she often worked with rape victims in her practice. What I said wasn’t shocking to her and this made me feel less like a freak.
Judd never said anything during the session or on the ride to the restaurant. Simply there as moral support, he wanted me to take the reins. I wanted to be strong, so he trusted me to say what needed to be said. By the time we picked up the prescription for an anti-depressant, I did feel stronger. Healthy might be a long way down the road, but I was on my way.
Chapter Twenty Four
Normally when Judd and I woke up, we messed around for a good half hour or more before moving our games to the shower. This morning though, he wanted to shower alone. He didn’t say the words, but he asked if I wanted to clean up first. I caught the hint and was soon waiting for him to emerge from his solo shower.
My feelings were hurt because I sensed I was getting on his nerves. Judd shifted from never having a woman around to me around all the time. I knew logically how he should be restless with my constant presence. Yet, whenever I suggested I sleep at my place, he frowned like I was shitting on his feelings. Confused, I just waited for him to tell me what he wanted. I knew asking would lead to that blank stare he gave me whenever I sent a question his direction that he had no interest in answering.
Appearing from the steamy bathroom, Judd walked across the room in all of his naked glory and moved a gun into a top dresser drawer. I watched him and waited to touch all of the shiny clean skin. I could already taste it and my body responded with a flush of heat. Judd glanced at me then sighed.
“I have a confession.”
“What?” I mumbled, studying his hard chest covered in tattoos.
“I’m a virgin.”
Grinning, I leaned back and spread my legs slightly. “In the immortal words of Inigo Montoya, ‘I do not think that word means what you think it means.’ There’s a reason I call you, Judd the Stud, you know?”
Judd shared my smile. “I’ve never gone down on a woman before. I think today we pop my cherry on that one.”
Swallowing hard, I asked, “Are you sure it’s safe?”
Smile gone, Judd stepped closer to the bed. “Safe how? You think I can’t successfully make you come, babe?”
“You make me come by breathing on my neck. I just mean I could be…”
“Stop,” he barked and flinched. “You said you went to a doctor. You were tested. You need to stop letting the ugly part of your brain tell you stupid shit.”
“I’m sorry.”
Judd exhaled hard. “You’re beautiful and delicate and perfect, but you see only shit in yourself. It drives me crazy.”
“Are you not going to kiss me down there now?” I asked, swinging my knees and trying to get us back to the part where I popped Judd’s oral cherry.
Judd’s gaze latched onto where I slid my hand and opened myself to him. When he smiled, I knew we were back on track.
“It’s my first time,” he said, grinning slyly. “Be patient with me.”
“Fuck,” I said, already breathing too fast as I imagined how good it would feel.
Judd crawled over me and kissed me gently. Nipping at my lower lip as he pulled away, Judd smiled. “You’re ready to come already, aren’t you?”
“I’m sorry, but I’m excited.”
“You look electric when you get aroused like this,” he said, sliding two fingers inside me and using the knuckle of his thumb to caress my clit. “Don’t worry about noise. Verna is out of town.”
Normally, I would have laughed, but instead I called out his name as I came hard against his fingers. Judd waited until the waves of pleasure eased then he removed his fingers and sucked the taste of me off them.
“I love when you say my name,” he murmured as his lips teased each nipple then moved down to my stomach. “The way it sounds when you come is like music.”
Watching him, I soaked in every blissful stroke from his lips, fingers, and that curious tongue. By the time Judd spread me open and blew softly on the wet flesh, I was ready to come again. Everything about the man from his soft wavy hair to his hard muscles and hot skin to the tip of his tongue stroking my clit was absolutely perfect.
After the second orgasm from him sucking softly at my clit, I lost the ability to communicate in words. Judd took his time and I came apart for him, melting under his touch. The arrogant look on his face when he climbed over me and stroked my wetness with his cock told me he knew exactly how much I was under his spell.
“I need to be inside you,” he murmured, still teasing me with his cock. “Do you want that?”
Only nodding because words weren’t possible, I reached for him then groaned as he filled me. His arrogant expression faded until he stared at me with a gaze full of intense need.
“Everything about you makes me crazy,” he said, thrusting harder. “I can’t think of anything without you at the edges. Everything I see is a reminder of you. My life was empty, yet sufficient a month ago. Now, it’s pointless without you.”
Staring up at him, I nearly cried out how much I loved him and hoped he loved me. Even with the words on the tip of my tongue, I held back. Judd was opening up to me, trusting me with his feelings, but he wasn’t ready yet for such a declaration. It was why he needed the private shower. Also, why after we were exhausted, he stared at the wall like the world was unbearable for him.
Eventually, we cleaned up again and headed to lunch at Tequila Jodi. Still in a quiet mood, Judd barely acknowledged Cooper who was talking to a few of his dad’s top guys. These were men who had known the mole for years and trusted the bastard. I suspected they originally had doubts that their friend would betray the club, but Judd said the guy confessed. He told them everything, so even his closest buddy was willing to put the fucker out of his misery in the end.
I refused to think how I helped a man die. Knowing he was a mole who caused the deaths of people working for the Johanssons didn’t make me feel much better. My unhappiness wasn’t guilt as much as confusion over if I should feel guilt.
Finally, Cooper walked over and sized up a quiet Judd before smiling at me. “So am I hiring you or what?”
“I’m not sure I want to work for you. I’ve heard you can be a huge asshole.”
“Really?” he asked, grinning. “Who told you that? Was it Bailey?”
“You wish.”
Cooper laughed and looked around. “I don’t know what an assistant would really do? Like do I have paperwork to fill out or whatever?”
Shrugging, I glanced at Judd who was watching someone in the corner. When I looked back at Cooper, he was studying the hair in my eyes.
“You look tired,” he said, reaching out to brush away the hair.
Cooper’s hand never reached my face before Judd grabbed his wrist and yanked it away. In that instant, everything shifted.
The men stepped closer, eyeballing each other as the heat of their anger became palatable. I thought to step between them and calm things before violence broke out. Then, I remembered when I tried to break up a fight between my uncle’s dogs. If Farah hadn’t pulled me out of the way, I’d have been mauled. That day, I learned if predators wanted to fight, you let them while staying as far back as possible.
“I’ll let this go because it’s your woman,” Cooper muttered, dark eyes still angry. “If you pull this shit again and it’s not your woman, you and I will have a problem.”
Once Cooper walked away, Judd finally relaxed. I just stared at him as he led me to a booth because a group of old timers were at his table. Sitting next to him, I caressed his face, soothing him. He finally gave me a little grin.
Suddenly, Vaughn appeared and took the spot across from us. “Why do you look so pissed off?”
“He almost went feral on Cooper for trying to touch me.”
Vaughn gave us a lazy grin. “So losing his balls makes a man stupid, eh? Good to know. Just another reason to keep mine attached.”
Judd exhaled hard. “You wouldn’t want anyone touching your woman. One day, you’ll know that despite your love affair with your balls.”
“A man should love his balls,” Vaughn said, still grinning. “What if I touch her?” he asked, his hand moving slowly towards my face.
“I’ll stab you in the fucking eye.”
Grinning, Vaughn put down his hand. “You’re pretty damn sexy when you go drama queen, O’Keefe.”
“He is, isn’t he?” I said, sliding closer to Judd. “I wish we were naked right now.”
Both men frowned at me, but I only smiled and Judd adjusted in the booth as his jeans grew too tight.
“Stop,” he warned.
“I’m not afraid of you.”
“I could make a liar of you.”
“You won’t though because you wish you were inside me.”
Judd exhaled hard like a pissed bull and adjusted in the booth again. I just laughed and rested my head against his shoulder.
“I so own you.”
Vaughn nodded. “He’s a keeper. I remember how poetic he was when I asked him if he could imagine himself as an old man. He turned to me and grunted. Real profound grunt too. Oh, and once I asked if he ever imagined himself as a father. I kid you not, he burped. The man is fucking Shakespeare.”
Vaughn and I laughed, but Judd only rolled his eyes. “Why are you two hassling me?”
“For me, it’s a distraction,” I murmured as he adjusted in the booth again.
“These jeans aren’t made for so much temptation.”
“I feel the same way about my bra. They can barely hold me in.”
The men laughed and I was glad to see Judd relax. Well, his face relaxed while the rest of him was still agitated and needing relief. I caressed the part in the most need and he nearly jumped out of the booth.
“Tawny.”
“Yes, Judd?” I asked softly and he just grinned. “I’m sorry, but you were pretty damn hot going psycho on Cooper. My man turned caveman and it was some sexy shit.”
“You two are grossing me out,” Vaughn said, seeming a little grumpy now. “Luckily, I have a strong stomach.”
“What are you up to today?” I asked, giving Judd a little space to ease his tight pants problem.
“Same shit,” Vaughn said and I notice a bigger chink in his affable armor. “When I was younger, I would bowl every weekend. Me and my cousin would hit the alley, drink beer, play for a few hours. I’d enjoy a chick then hit the hay. Those were the days.”
“Why can’t you do that anymore?”
“You saw Caleb,” Vaughn muttered. “You think he wants to bowl?”
Skipping over the cousin thing, I tried to lift his mood because I sensed he was growing angry. I also sensed an angry Outlaw was a bad thing.
“Why can you bowl with Judd? You two are best girlfriends and all that, right?”
Vaughn gave me a little grin, but the humor was gone from his blue eyes. “He doesn’t bowl. Says the noise bothers him. I just think he doesn’t like to fucking lose.”
Judd stared at Vaughn and something passed between them. If I had to guess, Judd was telling Vaughn to settle down because I was there. As curious as I was about the story behind Outlaw, this wasn’t the time to ask questions. Not with Vaughn on the verge of violence and Judd appearing ready to beat the shit out of his friend for getting pissy anywhere near me.
“I know we haven’t eaten, but I’m horny,” I said, shifting closer to Judd. “Can we leave?”
Judd glanced down at me and nodded. “Later, Vaughn.”
Vaughn barely acknowledged our departure. The dark look in his eyes hid none of his rage. In fact, his mood shifted so quickly that I would have feared him, if I didn’t have Judd to protect me.
Once on our way to the condo, I asked Judd, “Why did he get so upset?”
“Everyone has regrets.”
“And?” I pushed when he didn’t continue.
“Vaughn gave up his life on a whim. I suspect some days he wishes he hadn’t.”
“You’re not going to tell me, even after I helped smoke out the mole?”
Judd smirked. “Not after you got me riled up like that.”
“Was that why he got pissed?”
“Who the fuck knows? He’s moody and alone. I was alone too. Maybe he doesn’t like that I’m not like him now? I don’t really care.”
“Why are you so cranky?”
Judd glared at me then turned the SUV sharply down a street before parking in the lot behind the closed garage. The minute I saw where we were headed, I grinned.
“You really can’t wait the ten minute drive?”
Judd shut off the car and frowned at me. “My cock is so hard right now that I can’t think straight. Get in the backseat.”
“Say please,” I murmured then laughed while climbing between the seats. “See you in the back, stud.”