“You’re the best designated driver ever,” I said like an idiot.
“Don’t let Judd make you feel bad. I know it’s hard, but you have more to your life than a guy.”
Nodding, I hugged her then watched her walk back to Bailey’s SUV. Once she was gone, I really thought about Lark’s words. Maybe she was right, but Judd owned my heart and he’d tossed it aside like trash. In a way, I didn’t blame him.
Stumbling around my apartment, I finally sat in the middle of the floor. In this moment, drunk off my ass, I accepted Judd had dumped me. No more maybe about it. He was simply done with me.
Dialing his number, I wasn’t surprised when he didn’t answer. His message was short. “This is Judd O’Keefe. Leave a message.”
“It’s me and I get it. I know it’s over and I don’t blame you. I told you too much about all my fucked up stuff. I showed you how ugly and stupid I am. How foul I am. Ruined like shit and I should have hid it because that’s what girls do. They put their best face forward and sell their better qualities. I just thought…”
Crying, I wiped at my eyes and kicked off my shoes.
“Cooper loves Farah even though she had a shitty childhood. She has her issues and he still loves her. I thought you were my Cooper and would love me even though I suck. I wouldn’t want me if I were you. You say you’re a bad man, but you’re strong and beautiful and any woman would want you. No man would want me if he knew me like you do. No one would want what I am.”
I crawled into bed. “I should have lied. I should have put on a show, but I guess that wouldn’t work either. You saw what a loser I was back in Texas. You were attracted to me, but you couldn’t see past all the ugly. I’m sorry I messed up and made you not want me. I tried, but I’m not smart enough or good enough to fake it better. I’m trash just like everyone in my family except Farah. She’s the only one who wasn’t born a loser. I want to be like her so much, but I’m not. I’m stupid and ugly and bad and that’s why you dumped me. That’s why you left and didn’t even say goodbye. You saw a chance to get away and you took it and I don’t blame you. I want away from me too. I wish I could just leave me behind and run away, but my filth would follow me anywhere.”
As I pulled the blanket over me, I wasn’t even sure what I was saying anymore. “I’m sorry, Judd. I wish I was better for you, but please know I tried. I just couldn’t hide what I am, but I wanted you so much and I wished so much that I was better for you.”
Hanging up, I fell asleep crying and pretending he was wrapped around me. In my drunken state, I could almost feel him comforting me. I imagined him lying about my beauty and how much he wanted me. His words were my last thoughts before I dozed off into a dream where I was back with Farah, waiting to be handed off. Farah’s panic overwhelmed her until she shut down before the suffering began. I watched her and wanted to shut down too. Instead, I felt every moment of it.
Chapter Twenty
Standing at the second bus stop the next day after my shift, I noticed a Harley flying by in the direction of Denny’s. A second later, a few horns honked as the Harley turned recklessly into the other lane and returned towards me. I watched Judd brake hard by the stop and climb off his bike.
He looked great, of course. Tired, but gorgeous. I hated him for being out of reach, yet everything I wanted.
“Angel,” he said then glanced at the college guys staring. “Fuck off.”
As the guys moved, Judd led me farther away, so we might have a little privacy on the busy street.
“Back for a booty call?” I muttered, staring past him.
“Tawny, I got your message and came looking for you as soon as I got to town. Babe, why would you think we’re over?”
“You left without telling me. You never called me back. Never texted me. Never gave me any sign I mattered to you. I thought it was pretty obvious you were done with me.”
Judd cupped my face and forced me to look at him. “I’m not someone who checks in with people.”
“I thought I was more than people. I thought I was special, but I’m not. I’m trash you’re done with.”
“Damn,” he whispered, “the shit you think about yourself rips me apart.”
“What do you want?”
“I want my angel to understand I left on a job. I wasn’t leaving you. I figured you’d understand.”
“So it’s my fault?”
Judd let me go then glanced around. When his gaze returned to my face, I could see he was exhausted. He looked as wiped out as I felt.
“I fucked up, okay?” he said softly. “I’m not used to thinking about anyone’s feelings. I’m an idiot too. I couldn’t sleep for shit the whole time I was gone, but I didn’t know why. Couldn’t fucking figure it out until I saw some chick I used to hook up with. When she wanted to know if I was interested in going to her place, I said I had a woman. It was a fucking light bulb moment. Until then, I didn’t know what my problem was. Do you get it?”
Noticing the bus approaching from down the street, I shook my head.
“I missed having you next to me while I slept. I missed waking up with you there and knowing you were okay. I couldn’t figure it out until that damn moment. I know you think I’m older and have my shit together, but I don’t know anything about relationships or caring about someone like I care about you.”
I watched the bus get closer. “You’re tired. You should go home,” I told him. “We’ll talk tomorrow.”
“No,” he said, glancing at the bus then corralling me against his Harley, so I was pinned. “I can’t sleep and I need to sleep tonight. When Cooper found out I was coming back early, he decided I have to go to his meeting tomorrow. This thing is a big fucking deal. Not just to me, but to Cooper and Vaughn. I need to be sharp and I can’t be if I don’t sleep. If I’m not sharp, someone could get hurt. I need you to come home with me.”
“That’s not fair,” I whined. “You ditched me and ignored me, but I have to fuck you now or else people will die.”
“No,” he soothed in a tender voice. “Just come to my place. You look ready to drop and we can sleep. You can even have the bed. I just need you there, so I can get some rest.”
The bus stopped a few yards away, but I wasn’t getting on it. Even if I wanted to run away, Judd blocked my exit.
“You promised you’d try not to hurt me,” I said, turning towards the Harley. “You promised, but you lied. I’ll sleep at your place for Cooper and Vaughn. I don’t trust you though. I don’t trust anything you tell me.”
Judd opened his mouth then likely decided he’d won and might as well keep his thoughts to himself. As the bus drove away, he climbed on his Harley and waited for me to join him. Wrapping my arms around his waist, I tried not to enjoy the feel of him. It was a losing proposition.
The ride to his place was a short one. We were soon leaving the parking garage to go up to his condo. I stood away from him and he pretended not to care. When I glanced at him though, I saw his jaw was tight with tension. Did he really expect me to welcome him home with open arms and legs? I would have, if he’d called just once or even sent a short message. Instead, he did nothing.
Pearl walked towards me then looked at Judd and meowed angrily.
“I was working,” he muttered as if he was the victim of us needy bitches. “Do you want something to eat or drink, Tawny?”
“No, I need a shower.”
“Shit,” he said, wiping the back of his neck. “I’ve been riding all day and need to get cleaned up too.”
Walking to his bedroom, I dropped my bag and opened his dresser to grab a tee. Once in the bathroom, I slammed and locked the door. No way was I sharing a shower with him.
Scrubbing off a long day of work, exhaustion, and depression, I worked to make sense of my feelings, but they were too painful and jumbled up.
When I returned to the bedroom wearing a towel around my hair and his shirt, Judd was sitting in the chair, staring at his hands. He looked up and I saw how his feelings were jumbled up too. I think he wanted to be angry and feel sorry for himself. I could imagine what he was thinking.
He was working, dammit! I was being a bitchy baby. He wasn’t wrong. I was wrong. Couldn’t we just fuck and make everything better?
I also saw longing and hurt around the edges of his irritation as he passed me to shower. Ignoring how he left the bathroom door open, I curled up in bed and pet a cranky Pearl.
“I know how you feel,” I whispered to her.
The shower ran for a long time and I had nearly dozed off when he appeared nude. Closing my eyes, I ignored him as he climbed into bed and rested away from me. I figured he was still throwing a fit about me throwing a fit. Then, I felt his hand run down my back. Just once, as if he needed to feel me before he could sleep. Minutes later, I heard his breathing change.
With Pearl’s purring and Judd’s steady breathing, I dozed off and dreamed of Judd in my arms. Soon, I awoke to a room smelling of him and glanced over my shoulder to find him still asleep. The clock showed only a few hours had passed, but my feelings had shifted in that time.
Emptied out of everything good when Judd discarded me, I was quickly left with only suffering. The last few painful days left me feeling like a loser who lost the man she wanted. I was also angry at him. Yet, I hadn’t lost him and he was resting inches from me. Missing him so much, I thought I’d never have another chance.
Turning over, I studied his relaxed face and wondered how he could be so cold to not even text me. I wished to understand, but my heart hurt too much to care about facts. I only wanted to feel like I did before he left town.
Stripping out of his shirt, I straddled Judd and kissed his lax lips. Startled, he flinched then his arms were immediately around me.
“I want you,” I said against his lips.
“Angel,” he moaned as I stroked his already hard cock.
“Tell me you want me.”
“More than anything. I know you don’t believe that, but it’s true.”
“Show me,” I said as he entered me. “Show me how much you missed me. Make me feel beautiful, instead of ugly.”
Judd stared at me and all of those walls fell. I saw the pain he felt at hurting me. There was so much guilt in his expression and I wished to forgive him everything. Yet, he hurt me so much and I needed him to help me be strong again.
Arms wound around me tightly, Judd kissed me hard, tugging at my lips with his teeth when I pulled away. My hips worked feverishly to find pleasure. With enough bliss, maybe the pain of the last week might fade away. I felt like I might never find relief until Judd’s kiss softened and his hands stopped gripping me as if keeping me from running away. Stroking my back, he relaxed me just enough to orgasm.
As soon as I caught my breath, Judd rolled us over and thrusted harder into me. I held onto his forearms and stared into his faded blue eyes filled so much hunger and fear. He wanted to say things he would never say. Unable to share those feelings, he just fucked me hard and deep.
Judd was close to coming, but he held back. Maybe fearing that as soon as he finished inside me that I would leave him, he refused to relent. I took the choice away by caressing my clit and orgasming. All of those tightening muscles around him proved to be too much and Judd finally gave in. Out of breath over me, he wrapped me in his arms and held me still. Feeling all of that fear radiating off him sent me into a panic.
“Get off,” I whimpered while pushing at him until he rolled onto his side and I broke free.
Sitting up, I stared into his eyes and all of the pain I felt those last days came rushing forward. Sobbing now, I wrapped my arms around my body, soothing myself like I did when Farah wasn’t around to comfort me.
“I though you were done with me. Like you saw I was no good and ditched me. I was so ashamed that I couldn’t make you stay. I hated myself for being so foul that you wouldn’t even say goodbye.”
Judd caressed my head as I wept. “It never occurred to me that you would think it was over. I know that seems stupid, but I just assumed you knew how I felt. To me, I’m so different with you and my feelings are obvious. Yet, you don’t know me and what I thought was obvious wasn’t. I fucked up, babe, but you did nothing wrong.”
“I’m a loser. I’ve always known that, but I had Farah to love me. I thought that was enough, but now I want you. These last few days, I imagined you with other women and laughing about how fucking stupid and horrible and filthy I am.”
Judd wrapped me up in his arms and pulled me against him. “You have to stop thinking those things about yourself.”
“I try, but they make sense.”
“Lies often sound good, but they’re still lies.”
Leaning my head against him, I settled my sobs. “I never dreamed of anything special for myself. While Farah dreamed of college, I dreamed of Arby’s. I’ve always aimed low, so I wouldn’t be disappointed, but I really wanted you.”
“You have me.”
“I didn’t know that though.”
“I fucked up,” he whispered, soothing me until my tears stopped and I rested quietly against him. “I assumed you knew. That was fucking stupid.”
Nuzzling his jaw with my lips, I sighed. “I want to be strong, but I’m not. I fell apart when you left. I wouldn’t have done that, if I knew you were coming back. Still, a strong person shouldn’t fall apart so easy.”
“Seeing you right now, feeling so bad and knowing it’s my fault, is making me weak too. No one can be strong all the time.”
“I missed you,” I whimpered. “I wanted you to give me another chance.”
Wrapping me tighter in his arms, Judd sighed. “When I’m with you, I feel like a different kind of man. I feel better than I’ve ever felt, but that kind of man isn’t any good for my kind of work. A man with all that need in his heart can’t do what needs to be done. So I returned to the man who doesn’t feel. I know I hurt you by doing that, but it was what needed to be done for me to survive. My job won’t allow for mistakes just because my heart belongs to a beautiful angel. What I do for Cooper is about making people bleed before they do the same to us.”
I studied him for a moment. “You have to be cold to do your job.”
“When I’m working, I care about nothing. Not my life back here. Not my mom. Not about Vaughn when we work together. I don’t care about me either. I just turn it all off, so I won’t fuck up. That way, if Vaughn gets killed or I’m cornered, I won’t panic and feel too much shit and make things worse. Yeah, I’m cold, but with you, I can’t be that way. I might seem cold sometimes. Quiet or indifferent, but inside I’m crazy with everything I feel. It’s almost too much and I had to turn that off to work.”