“I just mean I’m disease free. We got lucky back when that stuff happened. My dad took us to a clinic afterwards and got us tested. Those guys weren’t the sort to use condoms.”
“Well, I am, but that doesn’t mean shit. I’ve been with a lot of women and I’m careful because I never wanted kids or to have my dick rot off. Careful doesn’t mean safe though,” Judd said then sighed. “When I saw you that day and decided I was getting a second chance even if I had to beg like a bitch, I also knew I should get checked out. Bad enough I was going to chase you even if I knew I shouldn’t. If I caught you, I didn’t want to get you sick. Since I haven’t heard back yet, I’m trying to be safe here.”
“Uh, I licked you last night.”
“Shit, Tawny, stop talking about that stuff or else I’m putting you back on my lap.”
Grinning, I sighed. “What’s it like to have your balls under my control? Does it make you sad?”
Judd smirked. “Vaughn is getting his ass kicked for starting with the ball shit.”
“I like him.” When Judd frowned, I grinned at the possessive glare in his eyes. “I’m not done with you yet, stud, so don’t get so pissy.”
A grin lingered around his lips as he kissed my forehead. “He’s a good guy, but I doubt he’ll make it to thirty.”
“How come?”
“He pissed off the wrong people. Eventually, that decision will get him a bullet to the head. Well, that’s if he’s lucky. If they get the drop on him, Vaughn will wish he died quick.”
“What did he do?”
“Doesn’t matter. Shit gets done in the heat of the moment and we have to live with those decisions. Like with me hurting you that day. I made a decision and I fucked up. Then, I saw you and made another decision and fucked up again. We can only roll with our fuckups.”
“Very Yoda there.”
“I try,” he said, brushing hair from my face. “You look tired.”
“Stomach’s full and I came so hard I forget my name. That’s the kind of stuff that makes a girl sleepy.”
“Well,” Judd nearly whispered, “how about we go pick up some things at the store then head back to my place?”
“I need stuff too.”
“Fine, we’ll drop your stuff off at that shithole you call an apartment. Then, we’ll crash at my place.”
“Wanna take a nap? Cooper and Farah do it all the time.” A lazy grin lit up Judd’s face and I rolled my eyes. “Napping isn’t code.”
“I don’t nap, babe. I wouldn’t mind hanging out at home while you napped though. I wasn’t planning on doing anything today besides watching some crap on DVR.”
Staring up at him, I felt strangely nervous to say the words. Finally, I forced them out. “Can I sleep over tonight?”
Judd gave me another lazy grin. “Where else would you sleep, angel?”
Chapter Seventeen
Judd and I didn’t rest for a good hour after we returned to his place. By the time I dozed off on his comfy bed, every part of my body was in a state of bliss. Dreaming of nothing important, I avoided nightmares and ugly memories. My dreams were just mindless thoughts about wiping tables and petting Pearl.
Rolling around in bed, I refused to wake up, certain I hadn’t slept for very long. The clock didn’t agree with my assessment
“Shit,” I muttered, realizing most of the day was gone.
A shirtless Judd appeared at the bedroom door and leaned against the frame. His faded blue eyes studied me then a smile slowly lit up his handsome face.
“Your nipples miss me.”
Covering my chest, I rolled my eyes. “I’m just cold.”
“No, you’re not,” he murmured, popping the button on his jeans. “You were really tired, babe.”
“I’m sorry.”
Judd shook his head as he kicked off his jeans. “You were dead to the world. I even cuddled with you for a little bit, but you never woke up. Trust me that I gave you plenty of incentive too.”
Grinning, I glanced at his erection and sighed. “I’m fucked out. Sorry, lover.”
“You’ve got that look on your face,” Judd said, crawling onto the bed towards me as I pretended to be disinterested. “The look that says you need me to fill you and make you say my name as you come.”
“If you want me saying your name, you’ll need to fuck me softer. I came so hard the last few times, I was lucky to remember how to speak.”
Judd laughed deeply then his lips were on mine. “You looked so peaceful,” he whispered as he leaned over me and nibbled at my neck. “Like the weight of the world was lifted off you. I loved seeing you like that.”
Murmuring, he raked his teeth over my shoulder and down to my nipple. Tugging at the hard flesh, he glanced up at me.
“I missed you,” he said in a strange voice. “You were feet away from me, but I managed to miss you. What the fuck is happening to me?”
“I’ve seduced you good and hard, Judd the Stud. You’re mine now.”
Grinning, he licked at my other nipple. “Clinic called and I’m as safe as my angel. Afterward we celebrate this fact, let’s order food and play cards. I borrowed a pack from my neighbor Oliver. The old bastard would live at the casinos if he could.”
“Talk less, suck more,” I moaned and he pulled at one nipple with his fingers while licking the other. “Yes, thank you.”
Judd teased my nipples with his teeth then after a quick lick to his fingers, he caressed my clit and I was crying out his name just as he requested.
Before I had even stopped murmuring about his amazing talents, he spread my legs and leaned into me. A few good hard thrusts, teasing my clit just right and I was so loud he covered my mouth. Laughing, Judd kissed my face as I worked through the orgasm.
“You’re going to scare the shit out of my neighbor Verna. She survived four hundred years and you’ll kill her from coming so loud.”
When I could concentrate, I laughed as Judd propped himself over me.
“Are you ready for more fun, angel?”
Grabbing a pillow, I held it close to my face. “I’ll buffer the noise.”
Laughing again, Judd started moving and I moaned through my giggles. Our laughter ended after my third orgasm when hours of Judd’s anticipation hit a fever pitch. The way he watched me as he moved closer to climax made me blush. Yet, his expression after he climaxed nearly brought me to tears.
So beautiful and open to me in that moment, Judd showed me a lifetime of disappointment and suffering. I saw a man who lived simply because he didn’t want to die. Yet, in the abyss of sorrow, I witnessed a newly lit glimmer of hope.
After a sexy soapy shower, we sat in the living room across from each other while I shuffled the cards. I still saw hints of what Judd usually hid from the world. With so much of the real man hidden behind his cold exterior now revealed to me, I knew I loved him. I just prayed he could love me one day too.
“What?” he asked, sitting in jeans with his bare feet brushing against mine on the table.
“I’m just happy.”
Judd started to smile, but then something switched off and the hints of the real man were gone. Walls returning, I watched him close himself off from me. Even hurt to lose that warmth in his eyes, I would be patient. He was mine and I would wait for him to be as ready for me as I was for him.
We played three hands before the Chinese food arrived. Watching
All of Me
on cable while eating, I cuddled next to him on the couch. As soon as the movie was over, he moved back to his side of the table.
“Let’s play strip poker.”
“Not yet, horny boy. I should call Farah first,” I said, reaching for my bag. “She might be worried.”
“You gonna do that girl talk stuff?”
“Gotta give her my report card on your naked talents.”
Judd rolled his eyes, but I saw him grin as I disappeared into the bedroom. On my phone were several messages from Farah and each one sounded more worried. Even unsure how to explain the shift in my relationship with Judd, I dialed her number.
Farah answered on the second ring, sounding like she was occupied. I appreciated how she stopped messing around with Cooper to take my call.
“I’ve been calling you,” she said, panicked and flustered. I suspected the flustered part was related to the sound of Cooper’s lips on her skin.
“I know. It’s been weird and I wasn’t ready to explain.”
“What’s weird? Are you alright? How did your date go? Coop asked around and the neighbors said you weren’t home all night. Where are you?”
“I’m at Judd’s place.”
Silence met me then Farah asked, “Did you sleep over there?”
“Yes. We had sex and it was really good.”
“Are you okay?”
“I didn’t cry. Not during sex anyway, but I got panicky afterwards. I told him what happened,” I said, pausing to gain my courage. “Not everything, but enough. I told him how they watched when the others were hurting us and I told him I was panicked because I felt exposed at my apartment. I felt like all the noise was people trying to get to me. I thought he would think I was crazy or stupid, but he didn’t. He brought me here and he still wanted me. When I started feeling bad or dirty or whatever, he took care of me.”
Farah said nothing for a few long minutes and I knew she didn’t like talking about what happened. She thought if she didn’t talk about it that somehow the memories would fade and disappear. I also thought her dreams of a better life kept her from having to remember so much, but I had nothing to distract me from that week. It was all I remembered some days, but I worried she wouldn’t like me talking about it now.
“He’s your Cooper,” she said finally. “He understands.”
Shuddering with relief, I nodded even though she couldn’t see me. “I love him,” I whispered. “I haven’t told him. I don’t think he’s ready for that, but I do love him. He’s mine and I feel different and better and beautiful when I’m with him. I want to feel that way so bad, Farah.”
“I know,” she whispered back and I heard Cooper’s sucking noises stop. I sensed Farah was crying. I was crying a little too.
“I feel ugly a lot,” I told her. “Bad too. You know that, don’t you? How I hate myself most of the time.”
“I do know,” Farah whimpered.
“Not with Judd though. When I start to feel that way, he finds a way to help me. He’s not sure about us though. My age and his job, they make him nervous, but he wants me and I don’t want to let him go.”
“I just don’t understand,” she said, calming herself, probably with Cooper’s help. “You went on that date then ended up with Judd?”
I heard Cooper grunt something then Farah shushed him.
“Judd showed up and ruined my date. He was acting so rude and I was mad at him, but he talked to me in a way that helped me forgive him. I really wanted to forgive him too. I missed him so much and I had to give him a chance. I had to know because he might be the only amazing thing I ever get in life besides you.”
Farah said nothing as Cooper whispered something. They had a mini conversation before she sighed. “Coop wants you to come to lunch tomorrow at the Johansson place. It’s a barbecue and all of the club guys will be there.”
“Okay.”
“He wants you to bring Judd.”
Cooper jumped in by adding, “I insist you bring him.”
“Why?”
“He wants to throw around his weight like he’s your dad, I guess,” Farah teased and Cooper responded by making her giggle. Likely he was tickling her, but Farah got away from him and her voice softened. “I’m glad you gave him a chance,” she told me. “I felt like you were lost and needed something I couldn’t give you. I think Judd is that something.”
“I hope so. I feel so much better with him. I think I make him feel better too. That’s how Cooper makes you feel, right?”
“Exactly,” she said and I heard the affection in her voice. “He’s my perfect guy. Judd is yours.”
“The guy isn’t good enough,” Cooper muttered loud enough to be heard.
“Will he be nice to Judd?” I asked.
“Probably not, but I’m sure Judd can handle him.”
“I’ll act as a human shield if necessary,” I said, grinning.
“Cooper really is a pussy when it comes to girls,” Farah teased and I heard Cooper laughing. “You come and have a nice lunch with the family. I want to see you happy, Tawny.”
“I love you, Farah. I just couldn’t stay there and hold you back.”
“You weren’t.”
“Maybe, but I felt like I was. I needed to be on my own and find pride in myself. It’s not about you. I love you and you’re my best friend. I just needed to be happy with me.”
“You’ve done a great job. You gave Judd another chance and sound happy.”
“I am and we’ll see you tomorrow for the barbecue.”
Hanging up and returning to the living room, I found Judd on the balcony in the cold. He turned when I touched his back. For a single moment, he was someone else. Those faded blue eyes were colder than anything I’d ever seen before. He truly terrified me because those were the eyes of a man who would kill me without a second thought.
“It’s too cold out here for you,” he whispered, reaching for my face.
I fought the urge to flinch as he stared at me with those eyes. “Do you still want me to stay here tonight?”
Judd blinked a few times then glanced out at the ravine. When he returned his gaze to me, those eyes broke my heart. So much pain and fear in a single glance.
“Do you want to stay the night?”
Even believing he was looking for an out, I told the truth. “Yes. I don’t want to leave you.”
A few seconds passed as Judd showed me nothing then a smile slowly warmed his face. “I was hoping you’d say that.”
“Why do you look sad?” I asked, finally finding the courage.
“Good shit doesn’t last for me, Tawny. I never let myself get used to anything nice, but I really want to get used to you.”
Lunging forward, I wrapped my arms around his waist. “The world is ugly except with you. In your arms, I see everything different and it’s beautiful and I never want it to go away. It scares me to see things that way, but it scares me more to I’ll lose that feeling.”
Judd cupped my face and sighed. “It’s too much, too soon. I want more though. I don’t know how to feel or what to do because I didn’t think you’d forgive me last night. I didn’t think you’d let me close again and I never guessed you let me as close as you have. I’m all fucked up inside, but I’m glad you’re staying.”