Beyond Repair (23 page)

His fingers started running through my hair. “Yes. I love coming home and seeing you and Mia.” He paused. “I love you both.”

I couldn’t stop the smile stretching my mouth farther than I thought possible. “And we both love you. I can’t even tell you how happy you’ve made me, how much better everything is with you. You make me feel safe.”

His warm breath tickled the top of my head. “I won’t let anything bad happen to either of you. I promise.”

At that perfect moment, with my happy daughter sleeping in her bed and me safe in Chris’s arms, I knew he meant it. His voice dripped with raw emotion and sincerity as the firm, steady beats of his heart thumped in sync with mine.

I closed my eyes and enjoyed the moment. There was no doubt in my mind that this was one of the best days of my life.

Chapter Twenty-One

“A
M I GOING TO NEED
a shot?”

Like any kid, Mia was not a fan of the doctor’s office. She liked the fun waiting room and the sticker that she got at the end of the checkup, but the dreaded shots were always on her mind. I rubbed the top of her head. “Yes. I’m sorry. But it doesn’t hurt for that long, and I’ll be right here with you.”

“But I don’t want it to hurt.”

“I don’t want it to hurt you either, but the shots protect you from getting really sick. So it’s something we need to do.” I tried to lighten the mood. “After this, we’ll go home and you can play with your new doll. And we have leftover birthday cake you can eat. Before dinner!”

“
Before
dinner?”

“Yes, if you sit still while you get your shots.”

I could see the wheels turning in Mia’s mind as she debated. I knew she remembered earlier in the year when she’d quickly moved away as a nurse was about to give her a flu shot, resulting in a scratch on her arm. And she still had to get the shot anyway. “Okay. I can sit still.”

“That’s my girl.” I kissed her forehead as the doctor walked into the room.

“Hello,” Dr. Gillies said, as she walked over to the sink in the corner and washed her hands. “And how are things with Mia?”

“She’s doing pretty well, but I think she has laryngitis.”

“We can look into that,” she said, shutting off the water. “Any other concerns?”

“She’s been mentioning a bubble in her throat, but then it goes away when she drinks.”

The doctor nodded, tossing the wet paper towel in the trash. She kept her face in a neutral expression that she had probably learned in med school.
“Let’s take a look at her, and then we’ll see about your concerns.” She smiled at Mia. “Can you climb on that table by yourself?”

Always eager to show her independence, Mia wasted no time getting on the table. I watched as the doctor went through the routine checkup—tapping her knees with a little hammer, looking in her eyes and throat, and feeling her neck.

“How long has she had these bumps?”

“The bug bites? A little over a week. Is that normal?”

“She mentioned a bubble in her throat?” Dr. Gillies kept pressing against Mia’s neck, holding up a light to see it better.

A rock sat in my stomach.
Oh my God, this is something bad.
I stared at Mia, sitting perfectly still for the doctor and smiling at me. “I’m doing good, right Mom?”

Her scratchy voice twisted a knife in my heart. Taking a deep breath, I forced a smile for her. “You’re doing great.” I turned to the doctor. “And yes, she mentioned it.”

She nodded, picking up an iPad. “They feel like swollen lymph nodes, which are normally nothing to worry about, but combined with her voice and the bubble she’s mentioning …” She looked up. “Mia’s medical history is incomplete.”

So many feelings were floating through me about my daughter. Panic. Worry. Dread. A slight hopefulness that maybe this was nothing. It was all inside of me, and I couldn’t add Pierce to this right now or I’d explode. I looked at the floor. “I know.”

“Is there anything you can add? Can you find out the other half of her history?”

The panicked loop of thoughts started.
He’s going to take Mia and he has so much money and power and he can get whatever he wants and I don’t want Mia near him and she is mine and he’s going to take her …

I looked up and Dr. Gillies blinked several times when we made eye contact. “You know what? We can just run some tests. Not everyone has a complete family history.”

A huge breath left my lungs. “Thank you. If I really need to get it, then I will. I just …” I couldn’t finish my sentence. With Mia in the room, I wasn’t about to tell the doctor the real reason why half her medical history was missing. It had never been an issue before. I grabbed my purse and hunted for my hand sanitizer.

“I don’t think we’ll need it. This is most likely nothing. I just want to cover our bases so we can be confident that Mia is a perfectly healthy girl.”

“What do you think it is?”

“Well, there are a few possibilities. I’d like to order an ultrasound on her neck and we’ll know more then …”

She went into a long explanation about how the ultrasound would answer more of our questions, said the names of scary diseases, and not to worry about anything yet.

Like I could
not
not worry.

Dr. Gillies asked us to wait while she scheduled an ultrasound appointment for Mia. After she had left the room, I used my hand sanitizer again.

Mia scowled at me from the table. “This is taking a really long time.”

“I know, sweetie. I’m sorry.”

“What’s an extra sound?”

“An ultrasound? That’s when the doctor puts a magic wand on a part of your body and they can see the inside of it.” I walked to the table and lifted her off, carrying her back to my chair and sitting down with her on my lap. I played with her hair. “When you were a little baby, the doctor put the magic wand on my stomach and I could see you.”

“What was I doing? Playing?”

“You waved to me.”

She tilted her head back and smiled up at me. “That’s silly.”

“Well, you’re a silly girl,” I said as I hugged her.
Please be okay.

Dr. Gillies walked back in. “I scheduled the ultrasound for nine o’clock tomorrow. We’ll follow up here at nine forty-five to discuss the results.”

I nodded, putting Mia back on the ground and standing up. “Okay, we’ll see you tomorrow then.”

“Don’t leave yet; Mia still needs her shots.”

I held my little girl’s hand as a nurse came in, watching the dread on her face as her arm was cleaned with alcohol, and her eyes watered as she was pricked by the needles. I couldn’t handle it. I couldn’t handle anything happening to my Mia.

Everything had to be okay
.

* * *

Following our new routine, Chris came over to our place after work. The second I opened the door, the smiled faded from his face. “What’s wrong?”

I shook my head, glancing at Mia sitting at the table with her cake. “I’ll tell you after she goes to bed.”

Concern etched his face but he nodded and pulled me in for a hug. He was trying to comfort me, but all I could think about was last night, when I had told him he made me feel safe.

I didn’t feel safe anymore. I was terrified for Mia’s health, for Pierce taking her away, and I just wanted to bury myself against Chris and cry.

But crying was useless, so I just allowed myself a moment to lean on someone. After a minute, I pulled away from him. “Mia doesn’t know anything is going on, so act normal.” I picked the bottle of hand sanitizer off the counter and looked up at him.

Chris’s eyes flicked from me to the bottle I was holding. He gave me a sad smile but turned to Mia. “You’re having cake already? Lucky.”

It was a good thing Chris was here. I was so nervous and distracted that I couldn’t focus on anything. He cooked for us on the grill, but I didn’t even notice what he had made. I spent the whole night watching Mia, silently willing for her to be fine. Chris played a few games with her while I just sat with her on my lap. While I was reading, she complained my voice was too quiet, so he took over.

I felt guilty as hell for being a scared mess, but I couldn’t help it. I was seriously going to break down.

After I put her to bed and saw Chris waiting for me at the bottom of the steps, my vision blurred. All I could feel were steel bands surrounding me, lifting me in the air. He muttered soothing words as he sat down, stroking my hair and rocking us back and forth. My body shook as I sobbed against him.

Not once did he tell me not to cry or ask what happened. He comforted me for God knows how long—rubbing my back, kissing the top of my head, and just letting me cry. When there were no tears left, I leaned against him, breathing heavily. He still didn’t question me.

I couldn’t bring myself to move away, so I spoke into his chest. “Mia went to the doctor today. They think the bumps on her neck may be swollen lymph nodes. Which may be cancer.”

His chest moved as he inhaled, and his arms tightened. “Fuck.”

“She’s going to have an ultrasound of her neck tomorrow, and then we’ll meet with the doctor again. They’ll know more after that.”

“Want me to come with you?”

I opened my mouth to tell him no, that we would be fine by ourselves, like always. But we weren’t by ourselves anymore; Chris was here. Both Mia and I were going to need another person who loved us tomorrow. I sat up so I wasn’t leaning against him anymore. “Yes. Please come.”

“Of course.” He pulled a tissue out of the box on my coffee table and rubbed my eyes in soft motions. “I’ll go anywhere you want me to and be with you as much as you need.”

“I need you here. I need you to stay with me tonight.” I knew it would be a night clouded with bad dreams and haunting thoughts and having Chris would ground me, keep me sane.

Without saying a word, he took my hand and stood up, leading me to my room. I changed into a pair of yoga pants and nodded at the bed. “Get on in, I’ll be right back. I have to check on Mia.”

My bare feet padded down the hall and I looked in at her. My beautiful girl, sleeping peacefully. “You’re perfect, Mia,” I whispered as I unnecessarily smoothed the blankets around her. “You’ll be fine. You have to be.” I kissed her forehead. “Nothing bad can happen to you. You deserve everything wonderful in the world, so nothing bad will happen.” I repeated this to myself as I blew her another kiss and went back to my room.

Nothing bad will happen, nothing bad will happen, nothing bad will happen.

I walked through the door, my eyes resting on Chris under the covers. After sliding under the blankets with him, I turned so we were facing each other.

No words were spoken because nothing could be said. We just held one another, him comforting me and me comforting him, because we were both scared for a little girl we loved.

* * *

“I don’t
want
to go back to the doctor.”

We were sitting at the kitchen table, Mia sulking over her bowl of cereal. Chris had gone back to his place to take a shower before she woke up, so it was just the two of us. “I’m sorry, sweetie. It’s not a choice. Can you please eat?”

“Am I going to get another shot?”

God, I hoped not. I hoped it was just the ultrasound and a false alarm speech from the doctor. “I don’t think so. They’re just going to look at your neck for now.”

Mia rubbed her arm, which was still sporting the colorful Band-Aids from her shots yesterday. The worry on her face broke my heart. Who knew what she was in for if this ultrasound revealed something we had to worry about? “Guess who’s going to come with us?”

“Who?”

“Chris.”

Mia smiled. “So I’ll have you and Chris? Two people?”

“That’s right.”

Still smiling, she started to eat her cereal. “Good girl,” I said, looking down at my own untouched bowl.

The knock on the door was a welcome distraction. I let Chris in and just started blabbing when he looked at me. “You don’t need to knock, you can just come in. I need to get you a key anyway and—”

“Shhh. You don’t need to talk just to break the silence. I know you have a lot on your mind.” He hugged me, and Mia jumped up from the table.

“Chris! Mom
and
you are coming to the doctor with me!”

“I know! I wanted to be with you and your mom today.” He looked at the clock. “Brooke? We need to go soon.”

I nodded. It was time to find out if my little girl was okay.

* * *

The ultrasound technician wore a face of stone throughout the process. Whenever I asked any questions, she politely told me that the doctor would discuss the results. Mia, Chris, and I now all sat in the exam room at the doctor’s office, waiting for her to come in and tell us the findings from the ultrasound.

This sucked. This sucked so much. Was this going to be the first of countless medical procedures, where I had to sit and wait and couldn’t do anything for my daughter? What was going to happen when things got painful for her?

Mia happily played with my phone, oblivious to my terror. Chris held one of my shaking hands in both of his, running his fingers along it and not saying anything. I jumped as the door opened, and Dr. Gillies walked in with a nurse carrying a box with some toys peeking out of the top.

She smiled at us, introduced herself to Chris, and said, “Nurse Alyson is going to stay in here and play with Mia for a bit. I’d like the two of you to come to my office and we’ll talk.”

Chris stood up and pulled my hand. “Come on, baby,” he muttered. “Let’s go find out what we need to do for Mia.”

Feeling like a robot, I stood up and followed them out of the exam room and into an office.

Dr. Gillies sat on one side of the desk while Chris and I sat on the other. He never let go of my hand, and now the grip was tighter.

The doctor pulled out some images printed on flimsy paper and started talking. “The ultrasound concluded that Mia does have several swollen lymph nodes.”

Those were bug bites.

“With the symptoms of the bubble and her hoarseness of her voice, we need to gather more information and a biopsy will have to be done. I’m going to give you a referral to University Hospital. There will be a team of specialists who can work with Mia if my suspicions are correct.”