Beyond Repair (19 page)

“You can go home soon.”

“How long was I here for?”

“About twelve hours.”

And the party was on Friday. “So it’s Saturday?”

“Yes. We did not contact anyone as to where you were, seeing that you live alone and you had no emergency contacts listed in your work profile.”

Yeah. I didn’t. Jake had been my contact. I’d gone online at work and removed him the day after he ended things. Then I’d run into the bathroom before anyone could see me and bawled like a baby. Adding someone new had completely slipped my mind.

I usually talked to my parents on Sundays, so they had no reason to miss me. Several of my friends had found out what had happened with Jake but stopped calling after I told them that I wasn’t ready to talk about it yet and to spread the word. I had told Zoey the same thing.

So there was no one to wonder where I was last night and today.

“Brooke, I know that you are aware of … what happened. Pierce is … well, I can’t say anything to excuse what he did to you. But he has a problem, Brooke. He has a big drug problem. My wife and I, we’ve been trying to get him better. He didn’t want to go to rehab, so we did some private detoxing. He did well and I gave him the job to keep him busy. I thought that the worst was behind us, but I was wrong. I’m so sorry. But he’s never done this before, and I can assure you that he never will again. He’s going to rehab to get help. He has no choice in the matter.”

I didn’t give a shit what happened to him. “Good.”

He nodded. “Yes. We need to keep this private. The company has too much to lose if my family is displayed in such a negative image.”

I was quiet for a few minutes, processing what he said. “I’m guessing you need my help with that.”

“Well, yes. I do. You understand that—”

“I’m tired. Give me the condensed version.” Never in my life did I think I would talk to the president of the company that I worked for like that.

“I would like to offer you two million dollars to not press charges.”

No way did I hear that right. “Excuse me?”

“Two million dollars. We will release you from your contract; you will leave the area and not press charges. You will never speak of this to the media.”

“Shit.” I stared at Frank for a moment.

He stood to leave. “Cases such as this are usually settled out of court. Only a third of the ones that go to trial result in a conviction. And Pierce was not mentally stable at the time. Think about it, Brooke. Nothing good will come from you pressing charges. You will just drag the company and my family through the mud. And you will be the center of attention, all over the news. Is that what you want?”

No. I didn’t want anyone to know about this. I just wanted to forget everything, leave this place, and go home to my family. There was nothing but horrible memories and broken dreams here.

“I have the papers and a lawyer in my office. That money can be in your account today. Think about it.” He left the room, closing the door softly behind him.

The table next to the bed had a lamp, a box of tissues, and a small bottle of hand sanitizer.

I hadn’t taken a shower since yesterday morning. And someone had sex with me on an office floor. Germs were all over me. They were moving so fast, my hands were tingling.

I am so fucking dirty I am so fucking dirty I am so fucking dirty I am so fucking dirty.

My shaking hand reached for the bottle.

Frank’s office lawyer bunch of words sign my name not going in his car call a cab go home take a shower cry take another shower fall asleep call Mom and Dad tell them I’m moving home don’t say what happened just want to go home eat something throw up take another shower go to the store for boxes to move buy hand sanitizer oh my God so much better check my bank account there is two million dollars in there I don’t know what to think about that use hand sanitizer start packing use more hand sanitizer keep packing friends call I don’t want to talk to anyone use more hand sanitizer get in my car drive I’m home use more hand sanitizer don’t tell anyone what happened find a job don’t tell anyone use more hand sanitizer late period this can’t happen use more hand sanitizer take a pregnancy test one of those expensive early detection ones use more hand sanitizer pee on a stick wash hands use hand sanitizer wait two minutes …

Positive.

* * *

A week after the test, I sat on the table in the exam room, not making eye contact with the doctor who just took my medical history and gave me a physical exam. She looked up from her tablet. “We’re going to draw some blood, and we’ll have to do an ultrasound to confirm the dates. If you want, I can face the screen away so you don’t have to see anything.”

I nodded, wanting to be anywhere but in this room talking about getting an abortion.

“Do you want some counseling? I can give you some numbers. Your partner—”

“I don’t have a partner,” I jumped in. “This was just a … um, mistake.”

She nodded, putting more pamphlets in the white bag that was sitting next to her. My abortion party favors. “If it’s confirmed that you’re under nine weeks, then it will take two more visits to terminate the pregnancy. At your next visit, you will take a pill called mifepristone. It creates a blockage of the hormones needed …”

Her words blended. I knew this was a big deal, and I should be paying attention, but it all felt so
wrong.

“ … following visit you will be given misoprostol.”

“Yeah.” It wasn’t wrong. Who would want their rapist’s baby?

“ … Four to six hours after the last pill bleeding will occur, resulting in a miscarriage.”

“Uh-huh.” The baby would be born in June.

“ … Cramping similar to menstrual pain.”

“Sure.” I’d be twenty-five then.

“ … Prescription for pain relief.”

“Okay.” Why was I even thinking about this?

“So I’ll just do the ultrasound now to confirm the dates, and you can get your blood drawn at the lab before you leave.” She turned off the lights and started wheeling a TV with dials on it over to me. “Lay back and bend your knees.”

I couldn’t keep it. I’d see him whenever I looked at it. They had stipulated abortion in the contract. I should
not
be thinking about this.

She handed me what looked like a skinny vibrator attached to a wire. “I’m going to have you insert this into your vagina …”

Getting something else inserted into me because of Pierce.

“Move it to the right a little … there we go.”

My eyes burned as my nose start to close up. “Can you see it?”

“Yes.”

I squeezed my eyes shut, hoping it will cause the burning to stop.
Don’t ask questions. Don’t ask questions.
“Does it … does it look okay?”

“Everything looks normal for the stage you’re in.”

Normal baby.

“You are definitely under nine weeks, so we can move ahead with what we discussed earlier. On your way out, I’m going to have you stop by the lab for routine blood work, and you will need to make two appointments for next week, two days apart.” She wrote on a paper.

“I’d like to have an HIV test, too.”

“That can be done.”

“I actually need to be tested for everything. Like every STD.”

“I’ll do a complete workup. You can remove the wand now.”

“Can I see it first?”
What am I doing?

“Brooke? Are you sure about your decision?”

No.
“Yes.”

The doctor’s lips formed a thin line, but she rotated the screen toward me and pointed at a little blob. “Here.”

I stared at the screen.

“Ready?” Her finger hovered over one of the knobs.

No. I’ll never be ready.
I pulled the wand out. “Yeah.”

I watched the screen go black. “Actually, I wasn’t ready.”

“You weren’t?”

“No. Um, does that print pictures? I want one.”

“Brooke, I think you need to talk to a counselor. Do you understand what you came here for?”

“Yes. I just decided I wanted to keep my baby, that’s all.”

Chapter Eighteen

C
HRIS STARED AT ME AS
I finished talking about the abortion appointment, the look on his face breaking my heart. What kind of person was I, telling him about the doctor’s office? “I’m sorry. This is bringing up bad memories for you.”

He shook his head. “I’m not thinking about me right now. I’m thinking about you.”

Didn’t he understand? “I got paid. I got paid two million dollars to keep my mouth shut.”

He nodded. “You told me that.”

“Someone … paid me. I had sex and someone paid me. I mean, yeah, having sex wasn’t my decision but taking the money was. That doesn’t
bother
you?”

We hadn’t touched the entire time I spoke. Chris kept balling his hands into fists, closing his eyes every few minutes and shaking his head. But now he reached for me, taking both of my hands in his. “No.” His voice was cracking. “God, Brooke. No. Why would you think that would bother me?”

“Because I was a coward. I just took the money and ran away—”

“That’s what you think of yourself? Your boss’s son raped you, took you to his house, and then they had you sign a contract without giving you time to think or letting you talk to someone? Do you understand how fucked up that is? And you think you did something wrong?”

My vision blurred. I let go of his hands to wipe my face, but he beat me to it.

His thumb brushed under my eye. “You did nothing wrong.” He pulled me into him, and I felt the weight lift off me as I buried my face into his soft t-shirt. “Nothing wrong. Don’t think that about yourself.”

He finally knew and still wanted me. The relief, combined with the comforting beat of Chris’s heart, was the most soothing thing in the world. I relaxed against him, knowing
finally
that he was mine.

Chris was silent, and I felt the need to say something. “I know this was really hard for you to hear.”

“I want to kill him.”

“I’m talking about me not going through with the abortion.”

“I think you’re amazing for keeping Mia.” His hand stroked my hair. “So amazing.”

“It wasn’t anything special I did. I just loved her and wanted her.”

“Maybe you don’t see it as doing something special, but I do.”

I didn’t answer. I knew he was thinking about his ex-girlfriend making a different decision than I had. “Chris? I’m sorry you didn’t have the chance to choose.”

“I’m sorry you didn’t have the chance to choose if you wanted to have sex with that shit.” He paused. “But I could never be sorry that you have Mia, and that’s …”

“Weird?” I finished for him. “I know. It’s crazy how much you can love someone who came out of such a horrible situation.” I swallowed. “Do you … um, do you see her differently now?”

“I see an awesome kid who’s bossy as hell when we’re playing pirates, who loves racing down slides, and playing ponies. A kid I love hanging out with. Same way as I saw her before you told me.”

I let out a sigh of relief. “I’m glad. Um, so the money—”

“It’s none of my business what you did with the money.”

“I want you to know everything. I felt dirty just thinking about it, so I just kept it in my bank account. When I left the doctor’s office after I decided to keep Mia, I invested it. I think of it as her money. I mean, it’s there in case we have an emergency and need it, but when she’s older, she can have it. I … I don’t want it.”

“That makes sense.” His hands moved down, rubbing my arms. “So Pierce is the guy who sets off the panic attacks?”

“Yeah. I worry that he’ll come and try to take Mia.”

“A guy who raped a woman wouldn’t be allowed to take the kid.”

“Yes, they would. They have rights as long as they’re found mentally stable. And I know he’s been through rehab and has so much money … and I never reported anything.”

“I’ll fucking kill him before he gets near either one of you.”

I didn’t answer. I could feel the heat radiating from him, and I didn’t think he was capable of sounding as angry as he did. On anyone else, it would have scared the hell out of me, but on Chris, it made me feel safe. I knew him; he would never use that anger against someone who didn’t deserve it. “I didn’t know you had this side to you.”

His arms tightened around me. “I never did. I’m not violent, but if someone fucks with the woman I’m in love with, I will be.”

My heart hammered at his words, and I wasn’t sure how to respond because I didn’t know if he even realized what he had said. But Chris let out a breath of air. “Fuck. That’s not how I wanted to tell you.”

“We can add it to the list of incidents we don’t speak of.”

His voice was hoarse. “Is that what you want to do?”

“No,” I whispered.

“Let me have a do-over.” He gripped my shoulders to sit me up fully, so I wasn’t leaning on him anymore. One hand laced through mine, and the other rested on the side of my face. His eyes focused on mine, intense and vulnerable. “Brooke, never in my life have I been as happy and alive as I feel when I’m with you. I love you. I love you so much.”

I should have come up with some nice crap to say back to him, but I was lost in the happiness spreading through me. I blurted out what I had been thinking ever since the last time we sat on this couch. “I am so in love with you.”

The biggest smile I’d ever seen filled Chris’s face and his lips were soft against mine, giving me the most tender, delicate kiss of my life. Everything was gentle lips and tantalizing strokes of his tongue against mine. We had never kissed like that before, as if we had all the time in the world.

Because now we did. We’d laid everything out on the table, and we each knew that the other was going nowhere.

We broke apart after a minute and I loved the way he was looking at me, as if I were the most special person in the world. There was nothing I wanted more than to pull him back toward me and pin my lips against his again, but I couldn’t do that and let ourselves get carried away without finishing our conversation.

“We have something else we need to talk about,” I said. “Just so you know, all of those STD tests were negative, and I had them redone a year later, just to be safe. I also take birth control pills, just in case anything was to happen again.”