Beyond Repair (24 page)

Everything froze as Dr. Gillies looked at me. Chris’s fingers stopped moving against my hand, and I finally broke the silence. “What are your suspicions after seeing the ultrasound?”

She put down the papers and leaned forward. “That Mia has thyroid cancer.”

Chapter Twenty-Two

“I
HAVE THINGS TO DO
,” I said, looking out the window of Chris’s truck. “I have to call work and tell them I might need to take a leave of absence. I need to let my parents and Zoey know what’s going on. And I have to call Mia’s school and the insurance company …”

Mia sat in the backseat, and I looked over my shoulder at her. She was taking her sticker from the doctor off her shirt and carefully adjusting it so that it was straight when she stuck it back on. When she looked at me, she smiled, oblivious to what might be lurking inside of her. I managed a tight-lipped one in return and faced the front of the car before she could see that my eyes were tearing up.

Chris shot a worried glance in my direction. “You’ll get it done. And I’ll help you.”

He couldn’t really help with the phone calls, but I didn’t tell him that. The sadness in his face reminded me of the night he told me about the abortion and his brother. I rubbed his arm. “Thanks. I know this is hard for you, too.”

Chris turned his eyes on the road. “I’ll come this afternoon for the biopsy. If you want me to.”

There was no hesitation before I spoke. “Of course I do. I want you to come to whatever appointments you can, when you don’t have to work.” Squeezing his shoulder, I lowered my voice. “I need you.”

“I’m on my own timeline right now for work, so I’m with you.” He glanced quickly at me. “For everything.”

I managed to give him a weak smile and rubbed my eyes, taking a deep breath to control myself. Pierce started to push his way into my brain, but I wouldn’t allow myself to think about him. If the cancer was confirmed and his side of the family carried it, then I’d deal with it later. Mia was the only one who deserved my attention right now.

The neck biopsy was scheduled at University Hospital later in the afternoon, and we would find out the results tomorrow. If they came back positive, then we would meet with a team of doctors to work with Mia and discuss the next steps. Or maybe they’d come back as negative, and we could just go home.

Please be negative, please be negative, please be negative.

“I’m hungry. Can I have peanut butter and jelly when we get home?”

“Yes. We’re almost there, my girl.”

“Chris, are you going to eat lunch at our house?”

He looked in the rearview mirror. “I sure am. I’m going to be hanging out at your house a lot. Maybe we can play a game after lunch. Your mom has to make some phone calls.”

“I want to play Pretty, Pretty Princess.”

“Sounds like fun.”

I leaned over to him. “Just so you know … that’s a dress-up game where you wear jewelry.”

He smiled back, some of the sadness leaving his face as he pulled into the driveway. “The things I do for the girls I love.”

After I had let Mia out of the truck, I held her hand as we walked inside. Chris stopped at the kitchen. “I don’t want to brag, but I make the best peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. So I’ll handle lunch while you ladies go have a seat.”

I dropped my purse on the counter. “I don’t need one. I’m not hungry.”

“Yeah, you do.”

“No, I
don’t
.” I felt like I was arguing with Zoey.

Chris grabbed my hand that wasn’t holding Mia’s and leaned down, whispering in my ear. “All of this is a lot, and I know you haven’t eaten yet today. You need your energy for Mia.” He kissed my cheek and released me.

“Fine.” I sighed. My mind flashed to that happy morning when he’d made me eggs. Things had changed so much in just a few days. I tried to make a lame joke to lighten the mood. “Don’t add salt.”

“No salt. Got it.”

Sitting on the couch, I pulled Mia onto my lap. She leaned against me, and I hugged her tight. “I love you so much, sweetie.”

“I know. I love you, too.”

I kissed the top of her head. “I know.”

We sat for a few minutes until Chris walked into the room. He didn’t say anything, just gave me a half smile and left. I closed my eyes and sat with my little girl until I heard her stomach growling. She jumped at the noise and looked at me. We both laughed.

“Let’s see if Chris makes peanut butter and jelly better than I do.”

* * *

My knuckles turned white as I clutched my phone. The last thing I wanted to do was make this call. I didn’t want to talk about how Mia might have cancer or the horrible procedure she had to go through in a few hours.

This wasn’t something I couldn’t shut away like being raped and taking money, though. I had to face it with the people I loved, and together we could do everything in our power to help Mia. I hit Zoey’s name and waited as the phone rang.

“Hello?”

“Zoey.”

“What’s wrong?” Her voice raised, and I knew I had her full attention.

“I took Mia to the doctor yesterday. They were worried about the bites on her neck, so we went back this morning to have an ultrasound. They’re swollen lymph nodes.” My voice was quiet, and I used my hand sanitizer as I was talking to her.

“Okay? What does that mean? It’s bad?”

I twisted the bottle in my hand. “It might be cancer, Zoe. A rare throat cancer.”

“Oh,
God
. Mia. How is she? Does she understand?”

“She acting like her regular self, but she doesn’t really know what’s going on. She just knows she has to keep going back to the doctors. They’re going to do a biopsy of the lymph nodes this afternoon at the hospital.”

“I’ll get Kyle to cancel classes this afternoon, and I’ll come with you.”

“Thanks, Zoe, but you don’t need to have Kyle do that. I have Chris here. He came this morning with us, too.”

“I wish I could be there with you guys, but I’m glad you have Chris.” There was sadness in her voice. I knew most of it was for Mia, but part of it was realizing that she wasn’t the first person I went to anymore.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you yesterday. I figured I’d wait until after the ultrasound and not worry you for no reason.”

“Don’t be sorry. You’re supposed to go to Chris first now. That’s part of the love thing. And I’m so happy Mia has the two of you.”

“Thanks.” I paused, debating how much I should tell her when I wasn’t positive what was going to happen yet. “It’s hereditary. We might be carrying a gene. So if she has it, we’re all going to have to get tested at some point. Me, you, Mom, and Dad. If we’re carriers, then that means it came from our side. You guys can get part of your thyroid removed, which will prevent you and your kids from getting it.”

Zoey was silent for a minute, no doubt thinking of her kids. “We’ll deal with that later if we have to.” She paused. “What if it’s not on our side?”

I used the hand sanitizer again and said what we both knew. “Then it’s from Pierce’s side.”

“Shit.”

“Yeah. I can’t think of him right now. I need to focus on Mia.”

“Is there anything I can do?”

“No … just keep your fingers crossed that it’s nothing. I have to call Mom and Dad, and work, and the insurance company.”

“I can call Mom and Dad. I’ll tell them what you told me, and that you’ll call them tonight after the biopsy. But call me first.”

“Thanks, Zoey.”

“There will always be something a sister can do. Love you, Brooke.”

“Love you, too.”

I ended the call and went through the list. Insurance would cover everything after my deductible. No problems with taking leave from work. Mia’s school knew she would be out a couple of days for now.

There was nothing left to do but wait for our afternoon appointment.

I walked into the living room, pausing at the door when I saw Chris and Mia sitting on the floor with a game board between them. Mia had on a ring, plastic necklace, and a bracelet.

So did Chris, except he had clip-on earrings as well. I watched him take his turn.

“Hey, you got the crown,” she said, holding it up. “That means you win. I usually like to win, but today you can win.” She stood up and placed the crown on his head.

“Lucky me. Thanks, Mia,” Chris said.

I started laughing, and he made a face at me. Mia joined in but stopped after a few seconds. “Why are we laughing? Can we play again?”

“Sure,” I said, sitting down on the floor with them. Talking to Zoey and seeing Chris with Mia made me realize that I needed to enjoy this time with her. She was still herself and didn’t understand what was happening. We couldn’t do anything yet.

Since I was her mom, I decided what she needed. And she needed to be with people who loved her, to keep her happy for as long as possible before all of the tests, possible surgery, and chemo.

In the back of my mind, I was doing this for me, too. I needed happy memories. Not memories of me sitting like a zombie on the floor while Chris took care of her, like last night. I would only allow myself to break down after Mia was in bed. I wasn’t going to waste any of our time by being selfish and thinking only about how I felt.

Chris took his turn. “Great. I got the earrings again.”

* * *

Mia had five lymph nodes on her neck and needed a biopsy done on each one in two or three different areas. Since the biopsy consisted of draining the fluid from each lymph node, that was a lot of needle pricks for a kid. I’d asked them to give her a numbing anesthesia, even though it wasn’t standard for a neck biopsy. She didn’t feel anything, but she was not happy lying on the table and seeing the doctor come down so many times with the needle. I held her hand, and after seeing her reaction to the first injection, Chris began to distract her with questions about princesses.

“Mia, Sleeping Beauty has a blue dress, right?”

“Only sometimes. Most of the time it’s pink. Cinderella has blue. And Elsa. Everyone knows that.” Mia looked at him as if he was a total idiot.

“I thought Cinderella had purple?”

“That’s Rapunzel.”

They kept this up throughout the entire procedure.

Since we were in the hospital, the lab was going to run whatever tests they needed on the biopsy immediately. Chris, Mia, and I went to a small room with a couple of chairs to wait. I wasn’t sure how I felt about finding out so quickly. Part of me wanted to hang on to the hope that she’d be fine for another night. Another part of me knew that finding out right away was something to be grateful for.

The door opened, and the oncologist and a nurse walked in. Dr. Lynch nodded at us. “We’ll meet in my office to go over the biopsy results. Nurse Jaime will stay here with Mia. She has some toys they can play with.”

I didn’t want to put Mia down. I just wanted to hold her forever. These test results had the potential to put my little girl in a world of pain. I would give anything to freeze time and sit with Mia and Chris for just a few minutes longer.

But I couldn’t do that. So I hugged Mia and walked with Chris to Dr. Lynch’s office. Like yesterday, we sat on one side of the desk, and the doctor sat on the other. Chris grabbed my hand, and I clung to it as if it were my lifeline.

Dr. Lynch looked down at the tablet in front of him, and then up at us.

“The biopsy of the lymph nodes in Mia’s neck confirmed that she has medullary thyroid cancer.”

Chris’s grip tightened, but I just stared at the doctor as ice filled my stomach. I wanted to tell him no, but my brain was not making the connection to my mouth.

The doctor continued. “It’s in the very early stages. That’s good, really good.” He paused for a moment, letting everything sink in.

I had to do something to acknowledge what he had said so I nodded, even though I didn’t agree with him. This wasn’t supposed to happen to
my
daughter. We were always fine. I was not sitting in a doctor’s office at some fancy hospital, hearing that Mia had a death sentence. It was the shittiest nightmare ever, and when I woke up, I would hug Mia and then we’d bake cookies.

Yet, a small part of me knew it wasn’t a mistake. It made sense. The bug bites, the bubble in her throat, the hoarse voice. These little things that seemed like nothing were something big when put together. Something huge and very rare.

I was always happy that Mia had only inherited Pierce’s hair color. But maybe he had given her something else. And it was all my fucking fault. I noticed all of these little things, and I passed them off as something common. God, I was so stupid, and now poor Mia had
cancer
.

I felt the urge to use my hand sanitizer but wanted to keep Chris’s hand on mine more. Right now, he was the only thing keeping me from curling up in a ball on the floor and screaming.

After I had realized how sane Chris was keeping me, I thought I was going to barf all over the floor. Mia had cancer symptoms, and I’d been too busy drooling over the hot guy next door to realize it.

Maybe I didn’t deserve her. I was a horrible mother. Even now, I was so selfish that I couldn’t bring myself to let go of Chris’s hand. I didn’t deserve to be happy with him. The whole time I was focusing on building a relationship, I should have been focusing on my daughter.

Turning toward him, I saw that his eyes were closed and his head was down. He brought his other hand up and wiped under his eyes before turning toward me. His wet eyes pierced my soul. He hadn’t loved Mia for as long as I had, but he loved her just as much.

I tore my eyes away from his because looking at him at that moment showed me that he loved Mia like his own child. It was just adding a new layer of confusion to the guilt and terror. I felt guilty about spending the time to develop a relationship with Chris, but he being in our lives was such a
good
thing.

Pressure filled my head and my eyes stung, but I didn’t have time to cry now. I’d do that tonight. Right now, I had to figure out how we were going to kick cancer’s ass. “How do we get rid of it? Chemo? Radiation?”

“This type of cancer does not benefit from radiation, and I don’t think she’s going to need chemo.”

Relief that she wouldn’t have to go through the awful side effects soared through me, but worry immediately sunk in to chase it away. “Doesn’t everyone with cancer get chemo? Is it so bad it wouldn’t help?”