The Hidden Gifts of the Introverted Child (23 page)

• Encourage the child to explore her interests.

• Enjoy in-depth conversations.

• Allow sufficient time to make joint decisions.

“Hardy Perennial” Outie Grandparents

“
People would have more leisure time if it weren’t for all the leisure-time activities that use it up.” —Peg Bracken

Many outies love to shoot the breeze with anyone, even strangers. They are the hardy perennials of the social world. They find interacting with others effortless. However, since they rely so much on the outside world, they are more sensitive to perceived rejection. As grandparents, they may have trouble understanding that children have different temperaments, and thus may feel rejected by an innie.

June, a client of mine, had a new granddaughter, Karin. One day June said, “She doesn’t like me.” I asked her to tell me what happened to make her think this. She said, “Karin turned her head away and wouldn’t look at me.” To me, this suggested that Karin was in the stranger-anxiety phase of babyhood. “I can see why you thought that, but this is normal at eight months,” I told her. “Karin is just showing that she has made a healthy connection with her parents. She sees that your face looks different from theirs. It’s a good sign. Don’t take it personally. She’ll be past this stage soon.” Later, Karin showed signs of being somewhat introverted. Over time, June learned to calm her expectations and wait for Karin to come to her. She stopped regarding Karin’s hiding behind her parents as a reflection of her feelings toward her. As Karin got older, she learned to enjoy June’s enthusiasm and fun-loving personality.

Innies will certainly enjoy an outie’s ideas, activities, and zest. They’ll enjoy learning about their grandparents’ lives and going on
adventures with them—as long as it doesn’t get to be too much. Innie grandchildren can teach outies to slow down and notice things. Outies may think that everyone enjoy’s life in the same ways—or should. You can explain that your child is different, and that a slow walk around the lake and feeding the ducks would appeal to him most. If an outie grandparent wants to take her innie grandchild on a special outing, suggest something of interest to both of them, because many outie grandparents may pick something to do without first finding out if their grandchild is keen on it, too. One outie client I had took his innie grandchild whale watching without asking the parents if he got seasick. Let us just say that he won’t make that mistake again.

Strong Points of Outie Grandparents:

• Come up with lots of fun things to do

• Are friendly and enthusiastic

• Are spontaneous

• Can manage more grandchildren for a longer period

• Appreciate outie children’s spunk and energy

• Show warmth and love and give compliments

Constructing a Sturdy Span

“
I loved their home. Everything smelled older, worn but safe; the food aroma had baked itself into the furniture.” —Susan Strasberg

For numerous reasons, some grandparents are reluctant to create a relationship with their grandchildren. Perhaps they had intrusive in-laws when they were raising their children, and they don’t want to repeat what happened to them. They may be hesitant, shy, or anxious about the responsibility. Or they may think past conflicts are still at play, not know they are needed or important, or perhaps they are just insecure about today’s newfangled equipment. Even after four grandchildren, we still have trouble getting the fancy stroller upright and then collapsed again. Some grandparents may need to get the thumbs-up signal from the parents before pursuing a close relationship with a grandchild.

Forgive Your Parents

Sometimes it is the parents who stand in the way of a strong relationship between grandparent and grandchild. There are many reasons for this. It can be painful to realize that a parent may be better at
grandparenting
than he or she was at
parenting
. I have seen adults continue to hold grudges against their parents instead of realizing that their parents were flawed, grieving about what they have missed during childhood, and not accepting their parents for who they are today.

Unless your parents are extremely self-involved, mentally ill (and not being treated), alcoholic (and not in recovery), or traumatizing in any other way, try to forgive them for past misdeeds. Many of us have parents who were disappointing, stressed-out, overwhelmed, or less than enlightened about child rearing. Try to let go of old wounds and appreciate that they may have grown. Give your children that gift. They will remember the example you set now when
they
grow up and have children.

One situation I’ve observed is parents who are jealous of their children’s relationships with grandparents and other relatives. This is really tragic. It will eventually harm the parent’s own relationship with the child as that child grows up. I have had many clients tell me that their parents barred them from having relationships with their grandparents or other relatives, and they still resent it. It’s good practice to “share” your child when he is young because children are only borrowed; you will need to share him more and more anyway as he grows up. Grandparents and others provide children with other role models from which to learn. They give children the opportunity to love
more
, not
less
. Your children will thank you for it.

Since, even today, mothers are still usually the child’s gatekeeper, the father’s parents may not enjoy the easy access the mother’s parents do. If the father’s mother has trouble letting go of her son, it sometimes causes territorial problems, and their daughter-in-law doesn’t feel as generous with the children. Blended families only complicate these kinds of matters.

One of my clients, Keri, was very hurt when her introverted mom suddenly no longer wanted to babysit for her three children. I encouraged Keri to talk to her mom in a nondefensive way and ask why. Keri’s mom told her that she felt confident and safe with her two introverted granddaughters, but when her extroverted grandson, Jake, who is quite a handful for anyone, was there she felt scared and out of control. She was worried that she wouldn’t be able to handle him, and that Jake might get hurt. Keri’s hurt disappeared. Now they only leave all three kids when Keri’s dad can help out. They also began to arrange for each child to visit alone with Grandma more often. The bonds between Keri’s mom and her grandchildren grew stronger.

Here are a few ways to strengthen the bridge that spans the generations:

• Realize that the more loving relationships your child has, the better.

• Tell your parents that you appreciate their efforts to understand your children.

• If you do things differently from your parents, acknowledge that things have changed since they were parents and that you value their ability to learn new ways.

• Discuss the notion of temperament with them, specifically as it relates to your innie child. Let them know how much their affection and interest means to your innie. Encourage them to take the Temperament Quiz on
page 16
and share how they feel temperament has affected their own lives.

• Explain that innies react differently around people they don’t know or don’t often see, and in groups. You can discuss what your innie might need from them to feel comfortable.

• Encourage your child to send cards, e-mails, and artwork to his grandparents.

• Be sure to acknowledge gifts: “Andy loved the book you sent him.”

• Keep communication flowing.

Shake a Little, Grow a Lot

“
The key to change … is to let go of fear.” —Rosanne Cash

Miracle-Gro has a product called Shake ’n Feed Continuous Release Plant Food. The ad for it in
Southern Living
magazine reads, “Shake a Little, Grow a Lot.” It recommends shaking the nutrients onto plants and flowers, and voilà!, they’ll grow beautifully. This ad could apply to grandparents, too.

Sometimes you need to teach an old sage new tricks. If you have grandparents or other relatives who expect all children to be outgoing, thrive in groups, and generally behave like good little extroverts, explain that you reach an innie via the three Rs: release, read, and relate, as I explain below.

I recently worked with Ellen and Dan, the parents of an extremely bright, highly sensitive five-year-old innie named Zara. Dan’s parents expected all the grandchildren in the family to act more or less the same. They should be talkative, offer a kiss when greeted, enjoy noisy family gatherings, gobble up all the food on their plates, and jump for joy over gifts. But in actuality, at parties, Zara was overwhelmed by the noise, the kissing, and the pressure to be gregarious. When visiting her grandparents, she often succumbed to a meltdown. Dan’s parents criticized Dan and Ellen for what they called “babying” Zara.

Closing the Distance

These days most grandchildren—except for the lucky few—live far away from their grandparents. It takes effort, but you can keep the bond alive in spite of geographical distance. One of my friends has a teenaged granddaughter who lives in another city. They e-mail almost daily, and my friend helps this shy, introverted girl through the thorny social thickets. Most innies get a kick out of communicating with grandparents who live in another area. Here are some ways you as a parent can help long-distance family members stay involved:

• Try a “Circle Journey Kit.” A grandfather jots his thoughts in a journal or letter and sends it to his grandchild. The grandchild continues the chain journal or letter by adding her comments, questions, or answers. Then she shoots it back to her grandfather. It’s an interactive diary, a written conversation documenting their relationship over time.

• Give older relatives on fixed incomes a prepaid phone card.

• When relatives visit, cook or bake together. Write down the recipes and talk about or call the relatives when you make the dish again.

• Use snail mail. It still works, and everyone looks forward to getting mail.

• Send frequent e-mails, file the good ones to read again later, and take digital pictures and send them via e-mail.

Ellen and Dan talked with Dan’s parents and asked them to release their expectations. Could they expand their view and see that all children are not created from one seed? Like flowers, children come in assorted shapes and types. Could they let go of expectations for their innie grandchild, who can’t just change to become someone else? They described the scientific discoveries that explain why and how introverted children are hardwired. Once grandparents can see
each and every grandchild as a separate seedling, it will help everyone grow.

Dan and Ellen tried to help his parents learn to read Zara. Is she wearing a glazed look suggesting that she’s overstimulated? Is she getting cranky? Or withdrawing? Has her energy dropped? Have there been too many activities? Can they observe how she eases into new experiences and checks things out first? If they can begin to ask themselves these questions, they are learning to read her and are ready to relate.

Relating to their grandchildren means not merely talking but developing the ability to be flexible and adjust to children. If your grandchild is worn out, don’t add more stimulation (even if there is a special game you’ve been waiting to show her all day). Push your mute button (everyone has one). Be sure to give her breaks. Don’t expect to relate to innies in a group as well as you would privately. They will respond better if you subtly acknowledge them with a wave, a wink, or a nod. Later you can find a nook where the two of you can chat alone.

Standing Sentinel

“
The person who has had a bull by the tail once has learned 60 or 70 times as much as the person who hasn’t.” —Mark Twain

The number-one job of parenting is protecting our children. We need to be sentinels, ever alert for what could harm our kids. Some of us weren’t protected as children. Because we didn’t learn those skills, we may not be very good at guarding our own children. Or we may leap over to the opposite pole and overprotect them. Introverted children, in particular, need middle-of-the-road sentries: a mixture of encouragement and security.

Innies at Large Family Gatherings

Big family parties at holiday times or to celebrate special events can be stressful for everyone, but especially so for innie kids, who may wilt at all the stimulation and attention. Here are a few tips to help make things go more smoothly:

• Before the party, explain to key family members that your child is introverted and may seem unfriendly, but they should know it’s not personal—it’s physiological.

• Since his energy level directly affects his ability to deal with social events, make sure your innie is rested and has eaten before the gathering.

• As they get older, encourage innies to wave, nod, or smile as they are easing into the gathering—they can talk later.

• Innies may talk more around fewer people, so let them seek out smaller groups. They’re likely to be reserved in a crowd, even if they know everyone.

• Try to give your innie breathing space. Physical closeness can drain an innie’s energy.

• Warn family members not to expect kisses and hugs until your innie is ready.

• Don’t push innies to open gifts in front of the crowd. They may enjoy opening them with just a few people around.