The Hidden Gifts of the Introverted Child (27 page)

During these school years, there are more after-school activities available to your child, such as Scouts, school enrichment classes like extra science courses, 4-H, sports, arts and crafts—and you can encourage her to take advantage of them. Suggest she try one new thing each semester.

Remember that it’s important for your innie to know that you are in her corner. Also bear in mind that learning happens both in and out of school. The middle school years are especially difficult because, to some extent,
all
kids feel off-kilter during this period of adolescence. Keep reminding your child of her advantages and help her boost up her internal talk so she doesn’t fall into self-criticism. She is still coming into her own.

High School

Many innies tell me they hated high school. It’s loud, crowded, and bursting with group social pressure. Innies are often out of step because, at this stage, they are ready for a richer learning experience. The best tack is to find ways to fit in that suit an innie’s strengths.
Learning the intrinsic value of marching to one’s own drummer can make high school tolerable. Plus there’s always the knowledge that college will be better.

In high school, innies are probably working harder than ever to balance their private time with socializing time, which takes their energy. Encourage them to take some downtime, though it may not seem convenient (or cool). Sleep is key; sleep researchers have proven that teenage brains need more sleep to grow.

An innie teenager may be sensitive about being seen as a nerd or a geek. Suggest that your child take some classes that aren’t academic, like acting or photography, or get involved in extracurricular activities that will introduce him or her to a broader range of kids. Playing in the band, working on the school newspaper, or playing on sports teams may allow your innie to meet new kids, or to show himself in a new light to kids he already knows. Some innies like to debate, since it provides a structured way to discuss things they feel strongly about. Encourage volunteering outside of school to develop interests and a sense of responsibility. Or, if they’re keen on exploring a particular career, help innie teens find an unpaid internship where they may be able to help out while gaining a glimpse of the field.

Sometimes innies get bored in high school. They may want to study only subjects they like. See if you can find a way to link school material with your innie’s interests and experiences. Discuss these ideas with him, and see if he can reframe his experience at school. It’s an important talent in life to not only know what interests us but to also know how to make a subject compelling. All through life it’s necessary to engage in some things we don’t find too fascinating. If the topic at hand is a particular era in history, are there biographies available, family roots investigations to be undertaken, or museums about the period your teen could visit to bring the dry facts to life?

Two other factors can impede an innie’s performance in high school. One is the fear of standing out. Girls, especially, often undermine their own talents so as not to attract attention, or to avoid being teased for being smart. The second factor is rebellion. These reactions
grow out of low self-esteem and, at times, anger at a parent or other authority figure. Your innie may also be scared about growing up, and even sabotage his school performance.

Remember, innies feel best when they are prepared. Know that he needs to practice organizational and time-management skills. These skills will give your innie teen confidence in his ability to live independently. Remain an ally as he wrangles his way though high school, even though at times he may reject your presence and help. He may still need your assistance to manage his schedule, plan his classes, and strategize how to approach his schoolwork. Walk that fine line between helping him to problem solve while encouraging his sense of responsibility.

The Forest and the Trees

“
It is by logic that we prove, but by intuition that we discover.” —Henri Poincaré

As discussed in
Chapter 2
, the right and left hemispheres of the brain often operate independently of each other. The right brain perceives the forest; the left brain sees and assesses each individual tree. But the two must work together to unite such functions as thoughts and feelings, and unconscious and conscious processing. Children who are right-brained dominant are in the minority. Most elementary and secondary schools are designed for left-brained extroverts, as this is the majority of our population. Most teachers are also left-brained extroverts—until you reach the college level.

Leading brain researcher Daniel Siegel, M.D., says, “Someone has got to stand up for the right hemisphere! Remember, the right-hemisphere brain processes are important for self-regulation, a sense of self, and empathetic connections to others.” Like introverted children, right-brained children often have trouble in school. In fact, some brain
experts think attention deficit disorder (ADD) is not a disability but rather that it reflects right-side dominance. I think that it may be possible that attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) may be right-brained extroversion, and ADD may be right-brained introversion. In that sense, these conditions simply reflect different brain strengths rather than being actual disabilities.

Left-brain skills are used in learning the three Rs (reading, writing, and ’rithmetic) and the three Ls (linear thought, logic, and language). But this orientation has limitations, such as too great a focus on details, black-and-white thinking, resistance to new information, and not grasping the big picture. Right-brain abilities include recognizing patterns, noticing bodily and emotional sensations, comprehending the big picture, using and understanding symbolism, artistic creativity, and receptiveness to new information. However, the right hemisphere is limited in verbal language, has difficulty narrowing down, and is prone to becoming overwhelmed.

Knowing your child’s brain dominance helps to bolster his strengths and may explain certain limitations. Below are strategies for right-and left-brained children.

Right-Brained Children Learn Best When You:

• Use visuals, metaphors, and music.

• Create unstructured time for class work and activities.

• Assist with time management and conflict resolution.

• Provide room for spontaneous reactions and emerging information.

• Allow flexibility to pursue alternative assignments or take creative approaches.

• Value the student’s empathy and unique perspective.

• Connect material to other people and to the child’s own life and experience.

• Respond with encouragement and use criticism sparingly and carefully.

• Recognize and acknowledge right-brain attributes like curiosity and creativity.

Left-Brained Children Learn Best When You:

• Create structure, clear expectations, and grading criteria.

• Use concrete cause-and-effect reasoning.

• Validate left-brain attributes, like being good with words and numbers.

• Provide opportunities for critical thinking and problem solving.

• Create opportunities for debates and oral reports.

• Expand students’ ability to be flexible and to reflect before making decisions.

• Teach the value of differences between others and the benefits of group decision making.

• Offer chances to use investigative skills to create independent work.

• Minimize acknowledgement of flaws in people, things, and ideas.

• Reward success; minimize emphasis on failure.

• Balance competition with cooperation.

Education is not a one-size-fits-all enterprise. We’re still learning about how different settings, teaching styles, and educational modalities work for different students. By understanding how innies experience school, you will be able to help your child get the most out of his education.

The Heart of the Matter

•
Innies usually attend schools designed for outies
.

•
Innies blossom when parents and teachers understand how they learn
.

•
Right-and left-brained innies have different learning strengths
.

CHAPTER 11
Support Your Introvert at School and on the Playing Field

Lend a Helping Hand with Teachers, Studying, Homework, Preparing for College, and the Sports Scene

“
A child is not a vase to be filled but a fire to be lit.” —Rabelais

Innies are born learners; that is what they’re hardwired for. They are quiet observers who enjoy working independently and are always reflecting. They need information that is stimulating to feed their brain pathways. If their parents and teachers understand the way they think, they will flourish in the classroom.

Unfortunately, because most traditional school environments aren’t designed for introverted children, innies must expend a lot of energy to function in them. Often they don’t get much encouragement, since
they may be unseen and misunderstood. It is incumbent on temperament-wise parents to ensure that their introverted children are taught in an appropriate, meaningful way. This will mean taking an active role in your child’s schooling—which has positive benefits for students and their families.

Don’t Let Teachers Be Strangers

You may want to talk to your child’s teacher (or teachers) about your child’s temperament and how he is “wired.” If his teacher understands about his temperament, she or he is more likely to accommodate your child’s learning style. Try to form an alliance with the teacher. Tell her about your child’s needs and behaviors at home if you think it will shed light on the school situation. Assure the teacher that your child likes to learn—but at his own pace. You can describe instances that demonstrate your child’s interest in the schoolwork, such as an animated conversation you and your child had on a given topic. The teacher may be surprised, and encouraged. If there are particular teaching methods your child finds difficult, such as quickly moving on to a new topic, ask about these. Sometimes understanding the reason behind what the teacher does will allow you to either prepare your child better or find ways to work around the problem. Ask the teacher what
you
can do to make school more productive for your child.

As you talk to the teacher, try to guess if she is an innie or an outie. This will enable you to talk to her in her own language and thus help you better convey your child’s needs. (See “Be ‘Bilingual’: How to Speak Both Innie and Outie” on
page 247
.) Does she have quiet energy, organize few group activities, expect children to have creative ideas, and keep a fairly structured classroom? She may be an innie. Does your child’s teacher have lots of energy, encourage lots of group activities, expect classroom discussion, and maintain a lively atmosphere with lots going on? He may be an outie.

Think about temperament when you talk to piano teachers, coaches, and other educators. For instance, sports coaches are often outies who think all children have the same level of energy and motivation as they do!

Tips for Talking with Teachers:

• Develop a relationship with the teachers, principal, and staff at your child’s school from the beginning.

• Help out in your child’s classroom or find other ways to support the school. This shows the teacher and your child that the school is important to you.

• Remember that teaching is an enormously difficult job. Avoid blaming or criticizing the teacher. Consider sending a thank-you note or e-mail—or just say thanks—every now and then.

• Plan what you want to say about your innie and introversion. For instance: “Pat really likes you and enjoys the class. She has an active mind, and the classroom can be overstimulating for her. She has a lot to say when she has time to develop her thoughts. I think you will be surprised with the results. What have you found is successful with a student like Pat?”

• Be open to the teacher’s view; you may not have the whole story.

Knowing that he has an ally at home who can advocate for him if necessary will help your innie deal with the ongoing challenges of school. It may be a matter of a teacher not understanding a student, as with Julianne, whose story begins the previous chapter. Or it may be that the student is always rushed and never given a chance to finish work. Or you may feel your child is being unfairly penalized for work habits that are related to temperament.

The point is that you can’t assume the teacher is necessarily going to figure out the best way to reach your child. An extroverted parent may fall more easily into the advocating role. An innie parent may choose to send her extroverted spouse or to strengthen her own extroverting muscles. When you understand what your child is
confronting at school, you can help him prepare and draw on the family brain trust to find creative solutions. Rather than feeling affronted by your suggestions, the teacher should thank you.

Innie-wise Study Secrets

Innies are wired to be good at studying, with their tenacity and ability to concentrate. Like all kids, however, they may need some help in creating good study habits. Study skills are greatly helped when the student appreciates his own learning style. Here are some study tips that build on innie strengths.

Memorizing

Innies primarily use their long-term associative memory. They remember better when they can link new learning to personal memory, and when they can engage their visual and auditory memory systems. They tend to be weaker in their short-term memory, which impacts word retrieval and math skills.