The Hidden Gifts of the Introverted Child (28 page)

Here are some suggestions to help them maximize their memory power.

• Link new material to something she already knows (learn fractions through cooking, money with allowances, etc.).

• Create acronyms, word associations, and silly sayings. It’s easier for innies to retrieve material when it’s in an associative form.

• Tie new information to visual mental pictures. For instance, if your child is learning about Abe Lincoln, show her illustrations of Lincoln in various situations.

• Review, review, and (oh, yes) review.

Studying

I am always shocked when kids say they aren’t smart because they need to study. This misperception is a reflection of our cultural assumptions about speed being better. Speed isn’t necessarily better. Learning to study is vital for all kids, and it’s crucial for innies, who need to learn in small steps that build from the simple to the complex.

Turn Up Your Encouraging Word

Keep an eye out for how your innie talks to herself, and model positive internal self-talk. Important for anyone’s self-esteem, this is vital for innies because their dominant pathway goes through the internal speech area of the brain. Here are steps you can teach your innie for switching negative self-talk to positive self-talk:

1. Notice what you’re thinking: “
I am so lame
.”

2. Attend to the feelings under the thought: “
I am disappointed and frustrated that I didn’t get a higher grade
.”

3. Turn up your encouraging word: “
It’s okay to be disappointed. I worked hard on the paper. Maybe I need to learn something to improve my grade. There will always be another paper to work on
.”

Some other encouraging words for a variety of situations:

“
It’s frustrating sometimes, but life isn’t always fair
.”

“
I don’t like this, but I can cope
.”

“
I’m doing the best I can
.”

“
All humans have crummy things happen to them
.”

“
I’m sad today. It will pass
.”

And my personal favorite: “
Humans are weird and so am I
.”

• Watch to see if your child is avoiding studying as a way of reducing overstimulation. Innies usually enjoy studying and do their homework without prompting. However, they may try to avoid entering into their deep concentration zone if they anticipate interruption because it can be painful to leave the interesting book or topic to return to the outside world. Also, they have very active minds, and learning something new can actually be too exciting. To avoid this discomfort—which they probably aren’t even aware of—they may avoid studying to keep their brain from going into overdrive. It helps if you explain this strange phenomenon to your innie and teach her how to keep overstimulation at bay. She can learn to say, “Okay, brain, hold the flood of thoughts.” This gives her a chance to step back.

Help Your Innie at Home

You can prime your introverted child’s learning power at home. Innies need lively conversations, artistic experiences, and an environment where questions are welcomed. They also need room to toy with ideas, dream, invent, and contemplate. Activities that correspond with their ideas and abilities will boost their “connecting dots” and stimulate their perceptions, ideas, and insights. You can equip your child with an understanding of how he learns best. Furthermore, encouragement from family members will build confidence and support his native tenacity.

Here are some ways to build your innie’s love of learning and brainpower every day:

• Read aloud to your children, no matter how old they are, and play audio books in the car. Create reading nooks. Take books along for waits at the dentist’s or doctor’s office. Have your emergent reader read anything to you—even labels and receipts.

•
When you’re reading aloud, stop a book near the end of the story and ask, “What is going to happen?” or “What do you want to happen?” This opens your child’s mind to different possibilities and alternatives.

• Make dinner-as-a-family a special time to talk about current events and discuss what each family member is doing at school or work.

• Play “What If?” Each person writes up a “What If” card, such as “What if I lived on the moon?” or “What if we had a pet elephant?” Choose one and muse over the possibilities.

• Leave notes, like lunch-box messages or scavenger-hunt notes, that lead to a small surprise and encourage your child to leave notes for you. Innies of all ages like finding and leaving notes.

• Suggest that you help her start by sitting with her or by breaking the work into manageable bits.

• Remind her that taking small steps beats trying to tackle too much at once.

• Highlight with different color markers and Post-its. Visual learners remember color better, so underlining any reading in color improves their retention and comprehension. Markers of any kind break the information into manageable segments.

• Innies are visual and/or auditory learners. Have her listen to tapes or watch videos about study topics. Let her listen to music if it helps her to relax and concentrate.

Testing

Innies need to feel well prepared and relaxed in order to do their best on a test. Outies may think its fun to feel juiced and jolted, and it may actually improve their performance. But adrenaline and dopamine reduce an innie’s ability to think and show what she knows, so it’s best to stave off the rush.

• Be sure she is rested and has had enough water and protein.

• Teach her to calm down, take breaks, and breathe deeply.

• Teach her to use her internal voice to be encouraging.

• Tell her to remind herself that she will remember what she has learned.

•
Have her scan the test, read directions carefully, and answer what she knows first. Once she finds the door into long-term memory, she will be okay.

Class Discussions

Innies tend to hang back during class discussions and may freeze when called on. The following tips will give your child enough confidence to raise her hand on her own.

• Have her break reading into sections and determine the main point in each section. This will help ready her to ask a question, make a comment, or answer a question.

• Have her prepare for class by selecting two main points, writing them down, and practicing saying them aloud.

• Have her come up with one question to ask about the material in class.

Group Dynamics

When working in groups, innies often end up doing most of the work because they enjoy exploring subjects in depth and care about doing a good job. If the others aren’t hard workers, the innie gets the bulk of it. I have many innies who have learned to negotiate so that they prepare a certain amount of the project and an outie then presents it.

Minimize Homework Havoc

“
Home computers are being called upon to perform many new functions including the consumption of homework formerly eaten by the dog.” —Doug Larson

For homework to have value, your child has to be able to give it time and attention. Trying to cram a dozen math problems into the five minutes remaining before bedtime will only leave everybody
frustrated—and the work incomplete or badly done. Together with your child, figure out the best time to do homework. Help him to assess his energy level and know his peaks and valleys. What is his easiest or hardest subject? Which should he do first? How should he prioritize? Does he want to reward himself by having dessert after he finishes his work? Don’t overschedule your child so that homework ends up being rushed. Innies aren’t at their best when pressured; they’ll just get discouraged. Unless they are tired or struggling with the material, innies will usually readily do homework. Be flexible where possible and don’t make a fetish of homework; be sure your innie has play and creative time.

When it comes to homework, your innie may:

• Want you nearby.

• Need a snack and some time alone first.

• Do well with several breaks. Start by doing his math homework, then pick up his sister at her music lesson. Then do his science homework.…

• Be able to work in the car on the way back from school or after-school activities.

• Prefer working after dinner or after a bath.

• Need to strategize on finding quiet spots, especially if in after-school care.

Providing Homework Help

You can encourage your innie to break projects into small steps spaced out over several days. For example, on Monday, read requirements and get any necessary supplies. Tuesday, research topic. Wednesday, write down main ideas. Thursday, try a draft. Friday, go over it with a parent and revise. Finish over the weekend and turn in on Monday. Here are some other ways to give an innie homework help:

• Set up a quiet space protected from interruption. Make readily available supplies and nutritious snacks.

• Discourage perfectionism. Point out that everybody, including you, makes mistakes.

•
Remind your innie that he needs to sleep on what he’s learning. By studying tonight, he will know it better tomorrow.

• If he’s struggling, listen to his concerns and ask what he needs. Keep asking questions to help him clarify his thoughts and feelings. Don’t think you know more than he does; he’s the one in the classroom.

• Encourage him to use mental pictures to jog his memory.

• Help him find a personal connection with what he is learning. “This tells you about how cells work in the body. You are starting with this one type of cell. Is that right? Isn’t it amazing that all these tiny cells work together to make one organ, and then they make a whole person?”

• Ask process questions to help him think through problems, but don’t do his work for him. For example: “What do you think is the most important point? Why do you think your teacher wants you to know this? How do you think that happened?”

• Encourage helpful self-talk. “I can do this.” “It will get done step-by-step.” “I know more than I did yesterday.”

• Help him connect the homework to his own life. If he is learning about money, ask him: “How many Baby Ruth candy bars [or his favorite] would eight quarters buy?”

Innies and Giftedness

“
You know your child is gifted when they ask for a dictionary for their birthday.” —Judy Galbraith

There is an incredible irony about introverted children. Teachers who don’t understand their physiology may regard them as slow, dense, or not very smart—as we have seen. This can be a great loss to society. At least 70 percent of all gifted children are innies. When you understand their hardwiring, it’s easy to see why.

Many outies have a comprehensive and wide-ranging intelligence. But fields such as science, computers, medicine, engineering, architecture, psychology, and higher education are dominated by introverts, due to their unusual ability to deeply concentrate on complex information. As Albert Einstein said, “My greatest strength is my ability to think about a problem for a long time.”

One downside of innie giftedness is that such children can feel quite isolated, since it’s hard for them to find their emotional and intellectual peers (even in their own family). They can also lose motivation if their talents are overlooked. Without complex interests to feed their brain, gifted innies may not know about their own intellectual power. This is how smart kids become involved with drugs, to fight the isolation and lack of stimulation. So it’s vitally important to understand their talents, expose them to enriching experiences, and help them find other adults and kids to share their think tanks with.

Even when an innie’s gifts are recognized, there still may be pitfalls. I have worked with introverted children assigned to what are called GATE classes, a program designed for “gifted and talented” children in California, where many end up feeling
less
intelligent. This is because the program puts pressure on students to learn specific material quickly, to prepare them to perform well on standardized tests.

The bibliography at the end of the book recommends titles about gifted children. Take a look at some of them; you may be surprised to discover that gifted kids sound just like your innie. You’ll also find suggestions on how best to nurture his talents.

Surviving, Thriving, and Deriving a College Education

Many innies bloom in college. Start early to help your innie select a college and a major that is just right for him. Innies can also
begin early to save money for their education. Such a daunting transition can be overwhelming for an innie, so it’s best to help him consider all aspects of higher education in measured steps as he is growing up. Visit different college campuses on vacations and trips. I have taken my grandchildren to plays, planetariums, and lectures at our local universities. We explore the buildings, and I tell them stories about my college years. Ask friends and relatives to discuss their college experiences with your child. What did they like and what didn’t they like? Why did they choose their college?