The Hidden Gifts of the Introverted Child (32 page)

You can do more than simply alert your child to upcoming social situations. Better to actually give her a way to get a firm grip on the event in advance. Let’s say you’re coming up on a big family wedding. Tell your innie something about all the major players and your relationship to them. Show photographs, if you have any. “See this young girl here? That’s my cousin Anne, who’s the bride. She and I used to sneak downstairs and eat ice cream.” It’s helpful for innies to have a mental picture beforehand, and it’s even easier for them to ask questions about strangers once they have some tangible information about them. Innies will spend less energy and be less anxious if they are in-the-know about the cast of characters.

If the event involves other kids, a good way to help younger children break the ice is to bring some simple toys to hand out. A few Mexican jumping beans, stretchy lizards, or small gliders quickly get kids playing and ease awkward moments. A similar strategy for
informal situations is bringing what I call “honey toys” —those that attract others kids like bees to honey. Help your innie make friends more easily by having other children come to him. When I take my grandchildren to our community pool, I blow long-lasting bubbles out over the water. In no time at all, all the kids are having fun trying to shoot the glistening bubbles floating above them. I also have a plastic treasure box full of “jewels” for kids to dive for on the bottom of the pool. In one instance Christopher (then six), who doesn’t usually join in with new kids so readily, began playing almost immediately with a little girl who liked treasure, too. In no time, they had become pirates of the Caribbean, Jack Sparrow and his matey. They splashed and dove for hours.

Hindsight Is 20/20

Looking back on an event can be as productive as preplanning for it. Debrief a day or so after a significant social outing; talk with your child when she’s relaxed to help her sort out her feelings and thoughts about it. Without this opportunity, she may draw mistaken negative conclusions, won’t learn from her experiences, and might avoid social events in the future. An innie’s feedback system can turn into a
backlash
system when it joins forces with her internal judge. If the judge/critic mouths off too much, your child can become discouraged. This will inhibit her from enjoying her out-and-about experiences. During your daily chat with your innie, ask, “Now that you’ve had some time to think about it, how did the sleepover go?” “Well,” Abby said, “I think maybe I talked too much.” (This is a common concern for innies, when they finally talk.) “Really. Did your friends lose interest in what you said?” “No, I don’t think so, but I felt a little funny talking so much. I felt uncomfortable when they were all staring at me.” You can then correct her perception. “It seems to me that if the other girls were looking at you, they were showing interest in what you were saying.”

Icebreakers

Even for adults, one of the hardest aspects of socializing is starting a conversation. Teach your child about opening questions. These are easy-to-answer questions that convey the message “I’d like to know you better.” They tend to encourage more yes than no answers; “no” tends to close down a conversation. Playing close to the moment—asking about the situation you are in—is usually the best approach (as in, “Is the water warm enough?”). The next best is asking a child his opinion. (“Do you like the swings or the tire better?” “Why did you decide to take karate?” “What did the teacher say yesterday about that movie? I was absent.”) It’s also good to make a comment about something you have in common. (“Hey, I have that same
Star Wars
shirt. Where did you get yours?”)

Especially in situations where they feel scared, exposed, or nervous, innies tend to focus on the negative. It’s part of their auditory learning system, which signals them to tag and store negative experiences. Since they also have delayed emotional reactions, they may misread other kids’ responses in moments when they are nervous or overstimulated. You can help your child reevaluate the situation when he is calm, so he can have a more accurate picture of the actual response he received. I’ve done debriefings with innies that begin with “Everything went wrong,” and finish with something like, “I guess it wasn’t that bad, I did win first prize!” And this is no exaggeration.

Other Ways to Help

One of the most important things you can do to help foster your innie’s social skills is to demonstrate interest in other people. Be friendly with everyone you encounter, and don’t exclude outsiders.
Practice remembering your child’s friends’ names, and ask questions about them. Talk positively about your own friends. Give appropriate and authentic compliments. Model good social skills when your child’s friends visit. Encourage your innie to be a host. For example, you can come up with a few possible activities to do and prepare snacks together before the guest arrives. Discuss Plan B: What they can do if the guest doesn’t want to do the planned activities or boredom sets in. Following are other ways you can help your innie in the social arena.

Steer Him Away from Internalizing

Innies tend to internalize conflicts and to take things personally. On the one hand, this represents an advantage; innies tend not to blame others for their shortcomings and can thus use their experiences to grow and change. Also, this means that they know what they care about and what sparks their interest. However, living so much in their heads and having painful things happen to them may leave innies feeling like these unpleasant things only happen to them. (“I gave the answer and the teacher ignored me.” “I couldn’t think of anything to say.” “I wasn’t invited.”) Most innies I work with think they are the only kids having problems. This is an impression you can correct.

Talk with your child about what aspects of social life he can control and what he can’t. For one, he can’t control other people’s behavior. However, he can learn to identify some common social patterns and reactions. Help your innie turn down the volume on his internal critic so that he doesn’t blame himself for normal childhood social rejections. It’s vitally important to tell innies that they can make choices about their own behavior and choices about who to trust. They can learn what kind of friends they need and how to pick them. Assure your child that he is a good friend. Some kids will want other types of friends, but this is not your child’s fault. And those kids may come around, too.

What your child
can
choose is when and how much she wants to socialize. Innies don’t generally feel as much social pressure or the need to be included in everything that outies do. It’s more a matter
of managing their energy. Olivia invited her pal Ashley to her house on Saturday for a playdate, and that evening she had a piano recital. On Sunday, Sarah invited Olivia to her house for lunch and to go see the new
Star Wars
movie with their family. Olivia didn’t want to go, and her mom asked why. Olivia said that Sarah’s family was too big and when they went out she worried that she couldn’t leave if she got tired. Her mom helped her compromise; she would have lunch with them but skip the movie.

Shaking the Homebody Syndrome

“Come on, Ryan. Let’s go! Ryan …
Ryan
. Come ON!” Ryan’s mom was getting exasperated. “I don’t want to,” Ryan, eleven, said, looking at his mother as if he had lost his last friend. “I have one more coin book to check out.” Most innies are homebodies. Home is their refuge. It’s familiar. It stabilizes their energy so that they can delve deep into their interests. Surroundings affect innies a lot—their system doesn’t work as well in highly stimulating places. Since leaving home can feel like a wrenching shift, it helps to give innies a heads-up: “Ryan, in fifteen minutes we’ll be leaving.” From time to time when appropriate, let your innie stay home with a sitter or a relative, or alone, if he’s old enough.

Getting motivated to leave home is hard for introverts, and this greatly affects their social lives. Simply put, there are times when your innie will have to tear herself away from the house, despite herself. This can be a point of negotiation and compromise. “You stayed home this morning, so this afternoon I want you to go with me to Uncle John’s. I know you don’t want to, but I bet you’ll have fun with your cousin Libby.” Notice how the outing goes. Resist the temptation to say, “I told you so,” but you can reflect out loud after the event. “It’s hard to decide sometimes, isn’t it? You felt like staying home, but when you went you had fun.” The experience can help motivate your child next time she resists an outing.

As your child gets older, help her assess how much she has been out vs. how much she has been cocooning. Too many engagements
can lead to a social hangover. But if it’s been mostly home time, even an innie can accept the fact that it’s time to go out. Everyone gets stale after too much at-home time—though an innie might need to be reminded of this.

Teach Him How to Choose Friends

Innies can observe qualities they like and find pals that fit them. They may want a variety of friends. And, at various ages, they may change the style of friends they want. Give him your impressions of his friends, and ask for his. “I see you and Casey enjoy pretending together. She’s good at making up imaginary lands.” “Boy, you have good talks with Kevin about spaceships. He remembers a lot about what you tell him. Have you noticed that?” This type of discussion can help your child evaluate his friends and lays the groundwork for finding good fits in future relationships.

Innies do best with an innie friend or two. A good friend for an innie is a child who has a similar pace and with whom she can have good conversations. When she gets older, an outie friend is great for drawing her out and encouraging her adventurous spirit. However, with an outie friend, an innie does need to watch her energy level and be ready to say that she wants to call it quits. Surrounding herself with too many outie friends is unlikely to satisfy an innie; their attention span is short, they may not enjoy lengthy conversations, and they tend to argue more.

Building Bridges

I was driving a friend’s eight-year-old son, Zane, home from school and needed to stop to drop off a gift at another friend’s house. I explained to Zane that we wouldn’t stop for long but would say hello for a few minutes. He said, “I’m not comfortable meeting new people. So I may not be very friendly.” I assured him that this was okay; I knew this about him already. He then surprised me by being quite gregarious with my friend, asking lots of questions about her dogs, and showing great interest in the things in her house.

I thought about this later and realized that Zane’s speaking up about his discomfort had the paradoxical effect of taking the pressure off—and thus relieving the discomfort. This provided Zane with the psychological space he needed to help him ease in. He presented his concern, and I accepted it. His statement to me served as a kind of bridge between his reluctance to meet someone and the actuality of the interaction.

Meeting strangers can be challenging for innies. Here are several ways that you can create a bridge:

• Hold your child (or hold his hand, or give him an affectionate nudge—depending on his age) and accept that he is anxious. Give him reassurance.

• Talk to strangers in a friendly way as you maintain contact with your child.

• Tell the person, “It takes Tim a while to warm up to anyone new.”

• Never push him to be friendly before he’s ready.

• Limit, if possible, the number of new people he meets at one time.

• Expose your child to the mail carrier, store clerks, neighbors, and acquaintances.

• Make meetings with new people brief, upbeat, and friendly.

• Don’t step in too soon or interrupt him. Balance speaking up for him and giving him the space to pipe up for himself. Give him an opening: “You like that TV show, too, don’t you?”

Appreciate Their Social Aptitude

Most innies are natural listeners. This is the number-one talent required for establishing friendships. This is also why innies often grow up to work in careers where strong relational skills are required. Let your innie know that she has good “earing.” Tell her that you like the way she listens to you. Acknowledge what she hears and remembers: “I see you remembered that Jack is allergic to strawberries.” Compliment her ability to tune in: “You’re a good
friend,” or “I could tell you had your ears turned up to high, you were listening so attentively. I like that about you.” Acknowledge her questions; innies are often very insightful.

Whether your innie is right-or left-brained will likely show up in conversations. A child who is more right-brained will notice feelings more and be sensitive to others’ feelings. “You know what happened to my friend Amber’s parakeet?” Carrie asks me. “He died from some germ he already had when they brought him home from the pet store. Amber thought maybe she did something wrong, but the pet store man said she didn’t. He gave her another one, but she misses Al—that’s what she called him. I told her I felt the same way when my hamster died.”

Right-brained innies may have a high emotional quotient, or “EQ.” They can imagine themselves in another child’s shoes. This is called having empathy. From that vantage point, standing in his friend’s sneakers, such an innie will be able to reflect back to the other child his feelings and thoughts. His friends will feel heard and accepted. Nothing is more powerful to friendship than knowing that someone understands your point of view.

If your innie isn’t such a good listener or doesn’t have as much empathy, she may be left-brained. She may like to discuss facts and such. You can help her learn to improve her emotional skills. Teach her how to reflect back, without merely parroting, to her friends what she is hearing. Teach her to listen for emotion and for the main point someone is making. You can indicate how to read people when you two are alone. “What do you think Ashley was feeling?” “She looked sad to me.” “Me, too. Why do you think she might have been sad?” “I think her dog was sick.”