The Hidden Gifts of the Introverted Child (35 page)

Helping Your Outie Handle Stress

• Let him talk about the conflict or issue.

• Know that he may see several conflicts or issues. He will sort out the most important ones as he talks.

• Be available to listen—he will want to discuss it right now.

• Don’t be surprised if his thoughts change as he talks. Don’t consider anything he says to be the final word on the subject.

• Give him space to move around. It helps him think.

Detecting People Patterns

It’s important to start teaching introverted children early that people come in different stripes and to help them learn to recognize some of those variations. Innies can learn to be detectives and use
their observational skills and their persistence to understand various patterns of human behavior. This will strengthen their social muscle. Help your innie think about what it’s like to be with a playmate. Is this child fun? Is she trustworthy? Can she share most of the time? Does she cooperate? Does she keep private information private? Does she make your child feel good about herself? After playing with her, does your child feel tired but happy or really, really drained?

Maintain an ongoing discussion about how children and adults behave. Often adults feel that they shouldn’t discuss how people act because it’s critical or gossipy. So they act as if everyone were the same or as if all behavior were acceptable. However, introverted children do pick up nuances in people’s social behavior. They need their reality validated in order to make sense of people. Listen, validate, and discuss what they notice from unspoken communications such as facial expressions, emotional vibes, and body language. It will enhance their ability to appraise people.

Reflect aloud about your friends’ and family members’ reactions: “Aunt Edna must be upset about something today. She is unusually snappy.” And then say how you respond: “I usually enjoy visiting her, but I didn’t think I should stay too long today.” Give your innie permission to discuss his experience: “Ashley is so lively, but it seems like it might be exhausting to talk with her. It seems hard for her to listen, she talks kind of loudly, and she interrupts every two minutes. Does it bother you?” Respect your child’s reaction if it’s different from yours. You don’t want to influence her opinions, but you do want to help her learn to notice what she likes and doesn’t like about how kids act.

It can also be helpful to let innies know how other kids are reacting to their temperamental style: “Since you didn’t answer right away, I don’t think Brad knew you were thinking about an answer to his question. How do you think you could let him know you are still with him?” Innies tend to dwell inside their own heads. Playing people-detective lifts them out of their minds and into a comfortable observation mode.

Bully Busting

“
He that respects himself is safe from others, he wears a coat of armor that none can pierce
.” —
Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Bullies are, without a doubt, the bane of the social world of childhood. Alas, they’re everywhere, and not always where you would expect. They may be the stereotypical big, mean kids with short tempers and quick fists, or they may be quiet loners. They can be fat or thin, female or male, smart or not-so-smart. Every one of us has been bullied at one time or another. In third grade, I was small for my age, and a girl named Audrey—note that I remember her name—used to rush up behind me, grab me around the waist, and lift me off the ground. In an attempt to humiliate me, she’d yell out to the kids on the playground, “Look how strong I am!” One time I kicked and screamed and flailed around until she put me down. She had expected me to be a pushover, but I resisted more than she had anticipated. That detracted from her show of strength. She never tried to make me into a human barbell again.

Your child needs to feel safe at home and at school and en route between the two. Introverted children can easily become targets for bullies, since they’re more likely to be on their own rather than in a group. In the past, we told children to ignore bullies or to just be nice to them. This is not a good way to handle bullies. It doesn’t work. Your introverted child will need help to be bully-wise. Don’t sit back—take action if your child is being bullied.

As a parent, you can do several things to help. First, be a good role model. Children who see violence and aggression at home can become a bully or the victim of one. Never verbally abuse or use sarcasm with your child. Second, explain to your child that she can’t solve bullying on her own—the number-one deterrent is adult authority. If your child feels threatened by a bully, tell her to ask for help from teachers, coaches, aides, or other parents. Third, step in and tell bullies to stop, if you see one in action.

Signs That Your Child Is Being Bullied

“
One of my problems is that I internalize everything. I can’t express anger. I grow a tumor instead
.” —
Woody Allen

Many kids don’t tell their parents that they are being bullied. They view it as embarrassing, even (and here’s that innie critic working overtime) shameful. And they often blame themselves: “I think I said something wrong, I’m not sure what, and then Jimmy and his pals bugged me and took my lunch money. I guess I’d better keep my mouth shut.” These are clues that your innie may be dealing with a bully:

• Being depressed or uncharacteristically irritable

• Having problems in school

• Missing belongings, or coming home with torn clothes

• Not eating lunch (lunch money may have been stolen)

• Having nightmares and wetting the bed

• Coming home with unexplained bruises

• Having frequent illnesses

One great concept is an antibullying program called the McGruff Safe Houses. Individuals and stores sign up and let kids stop in if they are bothered traveling to and from home. If there isn’t a program like this in your area, consider starting one at your school. Staff and teacher training are also important because many teachers don’t know the profile for bullying behavior. Schools need to send a message to students to show respect for everyone and support the children who are being bullied. Students need to be encouraged
to speak up for kids who are bullied. Ideally schools would establish clear behavioral expectations and consequences for bullying. Books on bully-busting are listed in the Selected Reading on
page 283
.

Bullies deplete self-esteem the way vampires suck blood. They feel better about themselves by making others feel bad about themselves. Their tactics are varied. They may hit, punch, kick, tease, push, pull, pester, brag, taunt, harass, play mind games, frighten, heckle, insult, annoy, gossip, hurt, threaten, torment, start insulting rumors, ridicule, trip, pinch, act violent, and/or intimidate. Bullies have short fuses. They interpret others’ behavior as hostile and personal when it isn’t.

There is scientific evidence today that some children are hardwired to be bullies. They have a high level of aggression and a low level of fear. If children with this particular wiring are treated harshly, they may become bullies. Contrary to popular opinion, bullies are not friendless—in fact, they are often popular leaders. Other kids find them exciting, fun, and full of great ideas. They usually hold power over groups, often the “cool” group, which increases their influence and makes them even harder to deal with. Nonetheless, there are strategies that your innie can use to avoid being victimized.

Bully-proof Your Innie

• Teach your child how to spot a bully. Telltale clues: Bullies try to intimidate by standing close, talk in a loud, in-your-face manner, tease, may be nice one day and mean the next.

• Explain that you understand that some kids are bullies, and that she doesn’t need to be friends with everyone.

• Explain that absolutely no bullying should be tolerated.
Always
tell an adult.

• Be sure your child has one or two friends—bullies sniff out loners.

• Explain to your child that bullies may feel jealous if you do well at something. Your success means that a bully feels like a loser.

• Teach your child how good friends behave and that bullies are looking to be top dog, not friends.

Innies On-Screen

Films can depict kids’ social struggles and successes in powerful, comprehensible ways. Watching movies that show children a bit older can give your innie a sneak preview into what’s around the corner socially. I recently watched the film
Stand By Me
, an authentic depiction of four preteen boys’ growing pains, with my eight-year-old grandson. The boys all have difficult family lives. The main character is Gordie, an innie, who is an intelligent, bookish observer. He offers good solutions and practical suggestions to the group. Gordie and Chris, an outie who is kind of tough but a good leader, take turns leading the group through an adventure, settling disputes, and keeping the group together despite dangerous situations and despicable bullies.

Another good film for older kids (it has some sad parts) is
My Dog Skip
. Willie Morris, a friendless innie with a dad who doesn’t understand him and a mom who does, gets a dog for his birthday. Skip the dog shows Willie how to make friends, even with some bullies. Another film,
My Girl
, is a touching story about a girl, Vada, and a boy, Thomas J., who are innie pals. Even without words they understand each other. Vada is an unusual girl who has had too many losses. She is open about her feelings, such as being in love with her writing teacher. She strives to work through her feelings in her own unique way. Once again, there are sad parts.
Digging to China
is a great film about an innie, Harriet, who is living a chaotic life with her alcoholic mother and teenage sister in a broken-down motel. Harriet is precocious and brimming with creativity but lacks playmates. She befriends a sweet, mentally retarded boy, Ricky, and the adults misconstrue their relationship.

Once you start looking, you will see that many central film characters are innies. As is the case with children’s literature, the narratives are usually written by introverted writers. Common innie challenges and resolutions may be depicted in films, so they can provide good role models for innies. Films also bring innies into the inner worlds of other children and adults. Those who are visual learners are particularly able to take in new ideas from movies.

It’s good to discuss films with your child, perhaps a few days later. This is especially true of films, like those above, that address painful topics like relationship problems, loss, differentness, and cruelty. My grandson has already had his share of teasing and bullying. We have had interesting chats about bullies, why some kids are leaders, how kids relate in groups, and what makes a good friend. After seeing
Stand By Me
he said, “They are friends because they stick up for each other. If they have a fight, they make up.”

• Teach your child to let the bully’s cruel words, looks, or gestures roll off her back and not undermine her self-esteem. Remind her that bullying behavior is immature, and suggest she picture bullies as big babies wearing diapers. Innies don’t have to have their feelings hurt. Tell her: Bullies want you to feel bad, so don’t give them the satisfaction. She can practice her internal voice: “You can’t hurt my feelings. I won’t feel little just so you can feel big.” Kids appear stronger when their internal voice is an ally.

• Tell your child to avoid groups of bullies.

• Teach her to walk to a police station, post office, library, or other place where there are safe adults if a bully is bothering her.

• Have your child take a karate or other type of self-defense class to gain the confidence they instill. Innies who stand tall, look self-assured, look aggressive kids in the eye, and walk with confidence are less of a target for bullies.

• Practice dealing with bullies at home with role playing. Teach your child to look a bully in the eye and say firmly, “Stop that!” or “Don’t do that. I’ll report you if you don’t leave me alone.” Tell her not to be afraid to yell. Remember, when in doubt, shout.

Electronic Bullying

Internet bullying is on the rise and afflicts a surprising number of kids, particularly teens. I worked with a young girl, Tiffany, a sixth grader at a private school, who was being bullied over the Internet. When she and her friend Nic had a fight, he vented his resentment toward Tiffany by creating a Web site about her, complete with pictures and rumors about her wild behavior, among other cruel statements. He sent e-mails about the Web site to everyone he knew at school. Tiffany felt ashamed, because she thought the fight with Nic was her fault. She finally told her mother when kids at school started avoiding her because they believed what the Web site said. Her mom talked to Nic’s parents, and they wouldn’t do anything about the Web site. Tiffany became so distraught that her mom brought her to see me.

Unfortunately, online harassment is becoming more common, but you can do something about it. Take it seriously and report it to your Internet service provider and to your local police; the police are being trained in how to respond to it.

• Tell your school principal if your child is being bullied. Many schools have instituted antibully programs.

• Tell your child that it’s good to bring bullying out into the open. It lessens a bully’s power.