The Hidden Gifts of the Introverted Child (14 page)

• Try to see the situation from her point of view.

• Make a date to discuss the issue again.

• Apologize for hurt feelings and misunderstandings.

Sometimes your innie just won’t like a rule you make or a limit you set. Just let her vent.

Stop-Sign Emotions

Shame and guilt are emotions that come easily to innies. As I discussed in
Chapter 2
, their side of the nervous system houses these feelings. These are stop-sign emotions that serve to shut children down. Without them, they wouldn’t know right from wrong. When used sparingly, they help to socialize kids. Shame says, “Stop doing that.” Guilt says, “You did something wrong, and you need to make amends.”

Outies usually need more vigorous signs to stop their behavior. Innies only need a hint to inhibit them (unless they have been treated
too harshly or they have learned to ignore you). If not overused, shame and guilt lead to self-discovery and growth. However, harmful shame makes kids feel horrible about who they are. They feel humiliated and angry. Harmful guilt makes kids feel as though everything were their fault. Ideally, these stop signs serve as a moral reality check but not a constant source of anxiety and self-abasement.

Here’s how to distinguish between useful and detrimental inhibiting emotions:

Beneficial Shame

•
Dad won’t like me taking his camera without asking
.

•
I’m not happy with my performance; I can do better
.

•
Some things are right to do, and others are wrong
.

•
I want to help my family get along better
.

Harmful Shame

•
I am a rotten person
.

•
I can’t do anything right
.

•
I hate everyone
.

•
People are no good
.

•
I can’t do anything. I’m helpless and hopeless
.

Beneficial Guilt

•
I did something wrong; I need to apologize
.

•
I need to make it up to my friend
.

•
I feel bad about what I did
.

Harmful Guilt

•
It is my fault that Mom feels bad
.

•
I should never say anything that upsets my dad
.

•
Problems are usually my fault
.

Daniel Goleman, Ph.D., popularized and explained the concept of a sophisticated ability to know one’s own emotions and empathize
with others’ feelings. He integrated a wide variety of research on the topic, and in 1995 published his book entitled
Emotional Intelligence
, which provided a name for a kind of psychological intuition and perceptiveness readers could recognize. Innies are hardwired to have emotional intelligence. But they can’t develop it without help from their parents to name and validate their feelings and to remind them that they have delayed emotional reactions. When introverted children’s emotions are reflected back to them, they can use this natural resource to guide their decisions, maintain long-term relationships, enrich their daily experiences, notice what sparks their interest, and keep their motivation on track. Without their emotional signaling system, innies can be flooded by their feelings, become overwhelmed, and then shut down.

With the emotional foundation you provide and your continued attention to the world of emotion, you can help your child develop his natural ability to self-reflect, learn to handle his feelings, respond appropriately to stress, and harness his ample intellectual gifts.

The Heart of the Matter

•
Innies build their confidence from a deep bond with you
.

•
Emotions organize and integrate all areas of your innie’s brain
.

•
Encourage your innie to tune into her emotional compass
.

CHAPTER 5
The Care and Feeding of Innies

Predictable Routines Energize Innies So They Can Flourish

“
The environment is the extended body. It must be peaceful.” —Deepak Chopra

In the previous chapter, we talked about the big picture issues—parenting your introverted child in a way that enhances his confidence and self-esteem and helps you build a strong, lasting bond with him. In this chapter and the next, we’ll look at ways to meet the everyday challenges of life with an innie: setting up routines, keeping him fed, dealing with discipline, and the like. We’ll look at ways you can use your knowledge of your child’s temperament to guide you through the innumerable family decisions you confront day in, day out. For example, you’ll learn how to gauge your child’s energy status and slip in little breaks that allow him to regroup. It’s all part of the nitty-gritty of raising children today: negotiating the realm of new media; claiming private spaces; finding safe and wholesome ways to play.

Introvert-Friendly Routines

“
A garden dies quickly without a loving gardener to keep it alive.” —May Sarton

Home routines provide the frame for family life, and innies in particular thrive on routines. Knowing what’s coming reduces their energy consumption and, when necessary, eases them into extroverting. Creating regular morning, after-school, and evening schedules shape a predictable innie-friendly world where rules are known and surprises kept to a minimum. She knows: “I go to bed at eight on school nights and nine on the weekends.” Make a note of her liveliest time of day and her slowest. (Innies are often sluggish in the morning, and it can take a while for them to get going.) Notice what conditions seem to bring out the best in your child as well as the conditions that bring out the worst. You can organize her day around the need for structure, private time, and the inevitable dips and peaks in energy.

If your innie’s routine is disrupted, he may drag his heels, become disoriented, or pitch a fit. Make an effort to keep things consistent whenever you can, and, when there’s a change in routine, explain it clearly: “Kathleen is picking you up from school today. But you’ll still have your piano lesson, like you usually do on Tuesdays.” Alternatively, let your innie assume a role that helps maintain a sense of continuity: “Dad is going out of town on business in two days. How about you and I make a card to stick in his suitcase?” Incidentally, the preference for a calm environment and predictable schedule is unlikely to change as your innie gets older. It goes with the temperament!

Discuss all changes and transitions in advance. If your child is going to sleep at someone else’s house, have her try out the sleeping bag beforehand. A younger innie can sleep at home in her travel crib before trying it out at a relative’s home. Often innies need to revise the image that they hold in their head before they can adapt to something new. “We are going to the park,” you say. Who could
complain about that? Well, be sure that your innie is picturing the same park you are, or else there could be a meltdown. As your child gets a bit older, you can broaden your repertoire and use other tools like the kitchen timer, calendars, and stickers to prepare her for upcoming events and changes. “The school fair is on Saturday. Let’s put a sticker on the calendar.” Letting her affix the sticker helps settle it in her mind and gives her a sense of being an active participant as opposed to feeling that events merely “happen” to her. I used to say to my daughters, “In one Flintstone” —meaning a half-hour episode—“it will be time to go.” We had agreed that one cartoon unit was fair warning.

Learning New Skills

Another kind of transition that shakes up routine is the learning of a new skill; a big accomplishment invariably brings about a big change. Innies need special attention to their pacing when they take a developmental leap. For instance, when a child is edging toward a major advance such as learning to walk, he may stop talking or his ability to talk may regress. His level of speech will return as soon as he becomes steady on his feet.

As children grow, they usually need to have a new skill under their belt before tackling another one. This is particularly true of introverts, because they integrate more complexity at one time and they are using more energy to do it. If your innie is concentrating on learning to read, he may not be able to learn to ride a two-wheeler at the same time. As soon as the new skill is automatic, he will be ready for another challenge. Assure your child that new skills improve with practice. And remember to anticipate that changes in routine, learning new skills, and facing unfamiliar events will require lots of energy. Help your innie be prepared and be sure her energy reserves have been refilled.

Help Create an Innie Haven

Here are a few ways to create some private time and space for your innie:

• Develop a coming home ritual: perhaps it will include picking up the mail, changing clothes, fixing a snack, or sitting and reflecting for ten minutes as a way of relaxing and breathing in home.

• Discuss your home with your child. What are his thoughts and feelings about it? Help him define for himself what makes an ideal sanctuary for him.

• Ask him what he likes or doesn’t like about his bedroom. How would he create his ideal bedroom?

• Make sure your child has a quiet place for homework. She may want to be near you if it’s quiet. Be sure she has an interruption-free zone.

• If he shares a bedroom, build a dividing wall (inexpensive lattice, or curtains sold to divide rooms, will do the trick) or create a private alcove. Negotiate private time for innies when they can be in their shared room alone for private time, and allow no interruptions. Make a sign for the door:
CHILLING—WILL EMERGE WHEN REALLY COOL.

• Be sure your introverted middle schooler or teen has privacy. Allow innies to shut their door. Require all family members to knock when a door is closed. I saw an innie teen in my practice who had her own room with a communal TV in it. Her three siblings were allowed to come in and watch TV whenever they wanted. She and I negotiated with her parents to allow her sibs only limited TV viewing when she was at her after-school job.

• Let your innie teen decorate his room according to his own taste. It’s a safe, easy, and painless way to give your innie autonomy. Many innies are highly visual and are soothed and regenerated by beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder, of course. One innie who wants to be an astronomer painted her room black and scattered glowing stars around the ceiling.

When faced with a significant new challenge, an innie will probably drag his feet. This is the introvert’s way of modulating the stimulation and regulating how much new information he has to
process. Don’t push. Give him the time he needs. Let him watch—innies learn by observing. Ask him what he notices that interests him, and present him with opportunities to take the next step. Let’s say children are going down a slide, something your child has never done. Ask him when he’s ready to join in. If he demurs, ask if he would like you to go down it with him first. The more your innie is allowed to ease into new situations and the more routes you provide for entrance, the more easily he will be able to adapt. Doing something with you first can be like a trial run.

Whenever possible, break the learning of new skills into bite-sized bits and take an easy pace. This uses less energy, allows for breaks, and enables your child to build confidence as she sees her progress. Also, innies perform better when they are less pressured. For example,
Morgan had to memorize the poem “The Midnight Ride of Paul Revere” to recite in front of her class. She practiced the poem in quarters while looking at a picture of trees. For two nights she rehearsed a quarter of the poem by saying it out loud for ten minutes right before bed. Every two days she added a new section, until two days before the performance, when she practiced the whole thing. (Remember, innies store what happens during the day into their long-term memory while sleeping at night. Looking at a picture helps them store information into their visual memory—which is easier to retrieve.)

Renewable Private Spaces

Innies are notoriously protective of their space. The introvert’s experience of space goes beyond the notion of having her own room or
a place to store her things. Rather, innies are highly sensitive about closeness and proximity. “Don’t touch my seat, and don’t look out my car window,” Terri, a little innie, said to her sister Maggie on a car trip. And what physical contact innies can tolerate alters with their moods. They can run up and hug you one day and pull away from physical touch another. One afternoon my innie granddaughter, Emily, wasn’t feeling well, and I sat next to her on the sofa. She started to slide my arm around her. Then she stopped herself and drew away. Later, when she became accustomed to me sitting near her, she leaned against me. Indeed, there are times when innies feel that even someone just looking at them is intruding on their space.

Predictably, home is profoundly important to introverted children. When her mother pulls into the driveway of their blue Cape Cod house, Emily throws up her arms and yells, “Home!” In that one enthusiastic utterance, she is expressing at once her joy at returning to her familiar retreat, her relief that a busy outing is over, and the proprietary sense that the house is
hers
.