The Hidden Gifts of the Introverted Child (13 page)

As with everything else, expressing love to your innie is a matter of balance—and no doubt trial and error. A parent who races up with a big bear hug may be experienced as too intense, and the child may retreat. Something more subtle and private, like taking his hand or smiling or even offering a surreptitious wink, can convey your warmth without overstimulating or embarrassing your child. Some innies like hugs only at certain times. Your child may want to be hugged when he’s tired. Or he may
absolutely not
want to be hugged when he’s tired. Some like to kiss or be kissed, and others may not. Some like sitting on your lap facing outward and some may prefer sitting so they can see your face. And of course these preferences change with the years. Pay attention to how your introverted child responds to physical affection. A family discussion about how people like to give and receive love teaches children that not everyone is the same. Parents often express love as it was expressed to them, or as they wish it had been. But expressing love that is nourishing and supportive to your child requires that you know how and what makes him feel loved.

Demonstrate to your child that you enjoy who she is and tell her that you love her. A child may feel loved by a parent when they share special times together, as when Mom or Dad reads her a story. Another child may feel special if the whole family takes part, perhaps each person taking a character and reading that same story as a play. Acknowledging your innie for a personal quality can be a powerful way of communicating love. As in: “I noticed how well you pick out birthday gifts, Samantha. You always know what someone
will like.” One child may be keen on a dinner out with just one parent. Another may want the entire family to go to the park. Often we make assumptions about what a child likes without actually asking. Or we bend to majority rule, and the quieter child isn’t heard.

Children also feel loved when their needs are met. One way for you to meet your innie’s needs is by creating a nourishing home turf. With innies, however, it rarely works to take a one-size-fits-all approach to home life. Remember the story of
Goldilocks and the Three Bears
? This classic tale captures the flavor of what it’s like to raise innies. It can be challenging to find the soft shirt that is “just right,” to determine how much recharging time is the right amount, or assess what is enough activity without too much stimulation.

Working
with
Innies’ Emotions

“
Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.” —Anonymous

One could argue that American culture values thinking over feeling. Peoples’ emotions are unpredictable and therefore often inconvenient. Many people wonder why we humans have feelings at all, thinking we might be better off if we were all like
Star Trek
’s Mr. Spock and relied solely on reason. But reason in isolation ignores what real relationships require. Without the input from feelings, thinking alone leads to relationship problems and poor decisions. This is why you can’t
think
your way out of ingrained habits like overeating, smoking, or being a workaholic. You need to understand your emotions and grapple with them before you can haul yourself out of your rut.

On a very basic level, feelings make us human. They also help us in three specific ways. First, emotions are electrical energy ebbing and flowing inside of our brain and body in response to our internal
and external worlds. The energy connects and integrates the five levels of the brain. It moves messages to coordinate the different systems throughout your body. Second, these emotional messages reveal practical, internal information about yourself and others. Knowing your own feelings enhances your ability to form and maintain relationships. Your feelings tell you what feels good and what feels bad. Third, your emotions serve as a compass for guiding the decisions you make. They tell you what feels
right
.

Emotions have important jobs to do. Sadness helps process loss and encourages others to comfort us. Fear tells us that we need to protect ourselves or that we need reassurance. Anger signals the need for boundaries. (For example: Molly says, “Rebecca took my Lego and won’t give it back. I don’t like it.” “Yeah, I bet that made you mad,” Molly’s mom replies. “Next time Rebecca starts to grab your toy you tell her, ‘No.’” Molly’s anger signals her to take care of herself and tell her friend no.) Guilt says we need to make reparations. Shame says we shouldn’t do something. Pain says we need to do something to take care of ourselves. Feelings show children how to earn the real rewards of life: establishing and maintaining healthy relationships, discovering personal meaning, and finding satisfaction. Feelings steer them in the right direction by informing them when an experience is painful, sad, enjoyable, satisfying, scary, or irritating. Emotions guide them toward what they need and away from what is harmful.

Unfortunately, many of us grew up in families that denied or talked us out of our feelings. We didn’t learn to manage our own feelings, let alone teach our children to do so. But you can learn a few ways to help your child manage his feelings. With introverted children, their dominant neurological pathway travels to the front of the brain, the site of complex emotional abilities. This gives them a natural ability to tap into their emotional IQ. Many other children will need to work harder to develop emotional awareness. Some children will never develop emotional intelligence.

Innies need parents and caregivers to notice and name their emotions. Otherwise they won’t know what they are feeling—and
therefore know how to use these emotions constructively. Feelings need to be named and validated. If you teach your innie to pay attention to what she is feeling, she learns to value and trust her emotional gifts. Without your help, an innie can lose touch with her own feelings or become overwhelmed by them. But you can help her acknowledge, feel, and use the signals from her emotional reserves.

Feelings as a Resource

Timmy reaches out to pet a dog he doesn’t know. It snaps at him. He feels afraid and pulls his hand away. He registers the experience: “That dog looked friendly, but he snapped at me. It scared me. Next time I want to pet a dog, I need to ask the owner before I stick out my hand.” He tucks this knowledge away—remember, innies in particular store negative experiences.

Feelings guide innies in their interactions with the outside world. For example, it’s through feelings that innies notice that they enjoy socializing, even though it takes energy. Amy reflects: “I had so much fun playing at Maddie’s. I hope we have another playdate soon.” Emotions highlight important relationships. Kesha thinks: “My birthday wasn’t as much fun without Grandpa. I’ll have Mom get him to come next time we have a party.”

Too many children today don’t learn to feel their feelings. Rather, they learn early on to shift away from uncomfortable feelings—to quickly change the mental channel, so to speak. They don’t learn to regulate their feelings. Regulating feelings means to keep them in a range that’s manageable. Without regulation, many young people either look for fake highs or fall into deep lows. Extroverts in particular can get habituated to highs. Some routes to fake highs include overeating, overdoing, taking drugs, running on adrenaline, engaging in risky behavior, feeling superior, and seeking approval. Introverts can get stuck in lows. Some examples of lows include being overly dependent, wallowing in guilt or shame, becoming depressed or apathetic, overeating, taking drugs, or feeling hopeless.

Signposts to Guide Innies Through their Emotional Terrain

As you know, innies have a rich interior life, but as parents it can be hard to read them. It will help to know that innies …

• May get overwhelmed by their internal thoughts and feelings, and become frozen or withdrawn. Encourage them to express their feelings, and make sure they don’t feel you’re judging them.

• May be sensitive to others’ feelings and have empathy (especially right-brained innies). Validate their warmth and talent.

• Take longer to
know
what they are feeling. Remind them that they will be clearer about what they feel later.

• Are drained by intense feelings, anger, and conflict. Help them understand that these can’t be avoided and that sometimes conflict is worth the energy.

• May feel overstimulated by the kind of excitement that extroverts seek out. Reassure them that they can enjoy excitement in small doses.

• May feel anxious about trying anything new and avoid the unknown. Help them learn to tolerate being uncomfortable. Remind them that feeling anxiety is a part of life. It will pass if they take a break, breathe, relax, and gently tell themselves to calm down and take it slow.

Being alive means that we will feel pain at times. Pain deepens our experience of life. Children need to learn to tolerate and process their feelings. You can help your child learn to self-soothe to ease painful feelings. Since emotions are energy, they naturally flow through us. If we notice their cues and feel them, they recede.

You can
externally
balance the ebbs and flows of your child’s emotions by calming her down when she is upset. And you can
encourage her when she is discouraged. This teaches her how to
internally
right herself when her own emotional balance is wavering. The ability to do so is a pivotal skill in the process of growing up.

Help Innies Express Their Feelings

One tool that can help your introverted child learn to express and value his feelings is called “reflective listening.” You can listen to him describe his feelings and, like a mirror, reflect back what he is expressing. Do this with both pleasant and unpleasant emotions. Acknowledging and restating his thoughts and emotions will help your child “see” what he is feeling. He can correct you if you didn’t quite get it or catch every nuance. The feelings take on a new clarity, and he can now learn to cope with them.

The process also builds trust between you and your child. Feeling understood is a very powerful experience, particularly for someone who may be focused on the internal. Innies are sensitive and perceptive about how you respond to what they say. As you become more comfortable with his feelings (and, as often happens when you express emotion, with your own feelings), you will see him open up. He will also, over time, have greater control over his feelings and his behavior.

Steps To Reflective Listening:

1. Be accepting and respectful: All feelings are okay.

“
I know you are so mad at your sister
.”

• Acknowledge limits on behavior.

“
But you can’t grab the truck out of her hands
.”

• Listen and pay close attention to what she is saying. Maintain good eye contact. Don’t interrupt.

“
I know she took your truck without asking
.”

2. Acknowledge her feelings without judgment by responding in neutral ways.

“
I see. And then what happened?
”

• Reflect what she is saying and feeling.

“
It sounds as if you feel like she doesn’t listen to you and that you are helpless to protect your toys from her
.”

• Name her feelings.

“
That sounds so frustrating. She didn’t even ask you if she could borrow it
.”

3. Acknowledge her needs and wishes. Problem-solve only after feelings have been acknowledged.

“
Do you want me to help you talk to Tiffany about taking your toys without asking?
”

Weathering Relationship Upsets

All relationships have ups and downs and disagreements that need repair. When you provide a model for repairing hurt or angry feelings, innies learn that relationships have bumps in them, and that it’s okay. “I’m sorry I was grumpy yesterday. I snapped at you, and the reason was my being frustrated that I’m late with my project at work. I’m sorry.” All children get angry with their parents, and all parents get angry with their children. It’s painful when your child says hurtful things to you, but it builds a stronger relationship when he feels safe enough to express those negative feelings. You don’t have to agree. Yet, if you listen and understand his viewpoint, he will learn that he can be truthful and assertive.

Innies may not notice that they are angry for a while. And they dread the energy outlay of fighting, so they tend to hold in angry feelings. They’re more likely to withdraw then to engage in arguments.

Innies need to practice dealing with conflict in a safe environment. Otherwise they can’t use their anger to protect them in the outside world. Listening to your child’s upsets and helping her to repair disagreements gives her important relational tools. Repairing doesn’t necessarily mean that she gets her way. It is acknowledging her view, apologizing if you did something hurtful, explaining a misunderstanding and/or deciding how to negotiate a limit. (“I know
you want to stay up as late as your cousin Liz. I’m afraid you need to hit the hay earlier than she does. Did you think because we had company tonight that you might be able to stay up later? I’m sorry about the confusion. What if we ask Liz to read you a story before you go to bed?”) Listening and negotiating misunderstandings shows your innie how to work through conflicts. It also encourages her to speak up in the world. And you are modeling how to apologize, a skill that is crucial in relationships.

If Your Innie Is Upset
DON’T:

• Try to reason with him.

• Contradict him.

• Defend yourself or others.

• Minimize or dismiss her concerns.

DO:

• Validate her concern.