The Hidden Gifts of the Introverted Child (11 page)

“See my cast? Want to sign it?” Jonathan shows me his white plaster-covered arm with colorful ink names and doodles drawn on it. “Two more weeks and it will be sawed off. It’s kinda fun to see if I can do everything with my other hand.” I add my name to his cast. His mother says, “I can’t believe how well Jonathan is handling this broken arm. Last year when his brother broke his thumb, he got out the yard clippers and cut off his own cast—he didn’t want to miss basketball practice!”

We hear a lot about type A behavior and less about what researchers categorize as type B. Type As are dominant on the sympathetic nervous system—the flight-fright-fight part. Overusing their system is like driving your car hard and fast. If you gun your
engine and drive eighty miles an hour, smash on your brakes, and screech to a halt, in no time at all you will wear out your car. Extroverts may have trouble slowing down so as to balance and restore their systems. They may tend toward higher blood pressure and pulse rate. Since introverts are dominant on the braking side of the nervous system, they don’t burn out their bodies so quickly. They keep their car idling, starting and stopping slowly. This is one reason why introverts are often blessed with longevity.

New medical research shows that particular personality traits influence health choices. Such studies indicate that qualities like conscientiousness, dependability, persistence, flexibility, thinking before acting, truthfulness, and a lack of vanity create a healthier person. These traits encompass the ability to say no to oneself. Innies are more disciplined and manage illness better than extroverts because they will slow down, practice self-reliance, and limit themselves. They also avoid risky behavior, which is a leading cause of accidental injury and death in young people.

Congratulate your innie child on the healthy choices he makes that promote well-being. Many times introverted children will say they want to go to bed early. Encourage this—your child will know when he needs to recharge. Innie children will often eat healthier if they understand why their bodies need certain foods. As they may need to eat smaller portions more often to sustain their energy throughout the day, encourage flexibility in eating schedules.

11. Introverts Are Good Citizens

“Alicia is excited about driving, isn’t she?” I am asking my eight-year-old grandson, Christopher, about his sixteen-year-old sister. “Yep,” he says. “What do you think about becoming older and learning to drive?” I ask. “Well, that there are lots of rules, and so I think it’s pretty scary and dangerous,” he says. “I may be like Aunt Kristen [our youngest daughter] and not drive until I’m older.” “That might be a good idea,” I say, “or you may change your mind.” “I doubt it,” he says. Since Kristen is still a cautious driver, I wonder what Christopher will be like in the future. I have the reassuring feeling that he’ll grow up to respect rules and take things like driving seriously.

The (Neurological) Path Most Taken

As we found in
Chapter 2
, the brain develops connections through the use and reuse of pathways; over time, the well-worn path draws more of the neurological traffic. Watching highly stimulating (including violent) TV or movies or playing repetitious video games triggers the same dopamine routes over and over. These are on a fast track to quick-reward left-brain pathways. In his book
The New Brain
, leading brain researcher Richard Restak, M.D., expresses his concern about how the modern age is
rewiring
the brain. Everything has become so fast. Dr. Restak wonders whether people will be able to devote the time required to master a subject or a skill. He talks about the “ten-year rule,” noting that “it takes
at least
ten years of practice and giving attention to nuances to become an expert at anything.” Innie children have the advantages of curiosity and the ability to notice nuances, and they get “hap hits” from concentrating on deeper meanings for longer times. Without those “hap hits” they won’t learn to prize their brainpower. Even innies can become addicted to the dopamine neural pathways that give cocaine-like feel-good shots. We need to teach introverted children to appreciate their abilities and encourage their willingness to learn.

Our job as parents is to let our introverted children know that there are advantages to their temperament, despite the messages they may receive from the culture at large. You can do this by affirming your child’s strengths and by helping him or her to build on them rather than try to change them or to hide them.

Your introverted child will also likely grow up to be a valuable citizen. Despite the fact that the stereotypical criminal is described as a
“loner,” research shows that extroverts, who run on high-octane dopamine rewards, actually raise more of a ruckus in society. They seek thrills and excitement. Proportionately, they are arrested and divorced more often; they become workaholics, alcoholics, gambling addicts, and act out in various antisocial ways with greater frequency. The difference may come down to physiology as much as morals. All that stimulation and the energy drain of such dramatic actions is simply too much for most introverts to manage. So crime wouldn’t pay.

Apart from the energy question, however, introverts generally have strong internal values; they are often religious and are guided by their own interior compasses. They see the bigger human picture and want to do the right thing. They appreciate courtesy and like to be polite. They can say no to themselves. They think before acting and are aware of consequences. They can anticipate what could happen if they did something wrong. They think about what they say and value words, so they are often honest. They become solid citizens.

Acknowledge qualities that contribute to your innie’s mature choices. In his new book,
American Mania: When More Is Not Enough
, UCLA researcher Peter C. Whybrow claims that humans are becoming addicted to a reward-driven and demand-driven culture. He also states that combining dopamine-pathway dominance with a consuming society leads to a situation where people feel they need more, more, and more. The result is greed and anxiety. Innies, however, look for calm interludes and are able to consider the personal and community implications of their choices.

12. Introverts Are Good Friends

Ethan and Dylan, both innies, became friends in preschool. They loved to make up imaginary adventures, play computer games, and banded together as spies who sleuthed out bad guys. They once turned a fallen tree trunk into a pretend elephant that they would ride throughout India. In first grade Dylan moved away. The boys e-mailed and wrote letters to each other. They visited on weekends
and during the summer holidays. With the help of their families, they were able to maintain their friendship throughout their elementary school years.

Innies are loyal, caring, sensitive to others’ feelings, and good listeners, all of which make a good friend. They take time to forge connections, but once they do it’s for the long haul. They are not prone to the kind of conflicts or competitions that can mar childhood friendships. And because they’re
not
everybody’s friends, they are motivated to keep in touch once they find a special companion.

The Heart of the Matter

•
Introverted children are undervalued in our extroverted world
.

•
They need to be told about their hidden gifts
.

•
Extroverts need to appreciate and practice using their introverted side
.

PART II
Raising Introverted Children with Roots and Wings

“
It’s only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eyes.” —Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

CHAPTER 4
Building Emotional Resilience

Establishing Strong Bonds with Your Child Will Provide Him a Secure Foundation

“
With anything young and tender the most important part of the task is the beginning of it.” —Plato

Many parents find innies quite confounding. They may seem unpredictable (at least, until you understand their patterns). One mother expressed surprise after she and her daughter took a weeklong trip to a farm. “I thought she’d revel in the quiet, but she didn’t stop talking!” It’s not always easy to know what your innie child wants. We invited our introverted grandson to pick a theme park he’d like to visit for a weekend adventure. He left us speechless by saying, “I’d rather just stay overnight at your house.” A father told me, “We say that our daughter is ‘barn sour.’ She reminds us of a horse soured on sauntering down the trail, itching to turn around and trot back to the cozy barn.” Indeed, after a single outing or errand, perhaps only the first on your long to-do list, many innies are ready to switch gears and return home.

Some innies may not overtly express a lot of affection, and these children can be misunderstood. “My other children need me more than my son does,” one mother told me. But in fact, innies very much value and need one-on-one time with their parents. Another boy, whose parents thought he was perfectly happy and self-sufficient, confided to me, “I wish I had more time alone with my mom or dad.” I hear a lot of comments like that from the introverted children I meet. It’s easy to take their seeming independence at face value, especially when other children are clamoring for attention.

The innie temperament can certainly pose a challenge, particularly for extroverted parents. Perhaps you love parties, and your son hates them. You like to be out and about, and your daughter is a determined homebody. You are full of energy, and your child tires easily. But innie children can also be trying for
introverted
parents. Perhaps when you were young, you hated feeling overwhelmed by groups. Does seeing your child hang back in crowds make you uncomfortable and push your buttons? The truth is, every child has traits we like, along with some traits that spark concern or make us anxious, and, yes, qualities we just plain don’t like. After all, being the parent of any child requires us to stretch ourselves.

In this chapter, we explore the underlying emotional issues related to raising an introverted child. We discuss how to be attuned to your child’s needs, and how to provide a solid foundation. As with any child, the important thing is to work from a place of acceptance and to strive to understand how the world looks from her eyes. For it is through observing and listening that you’ll learn how to support your child and to create an environment in which she’ll thrive.

Creating a “Hardiness Zone”

In the gardening world, a Hardiness Zone is an area within a larger climate zone where conditions provide a good fit for the particular
plants that grow there. When your introverted child is in a growing environment that is well suited to him, he will flourish. Parenting becomes easier for you. Your child is happier. The important thing is to provide the four key elements that innies need in order to create their own Hardiness Zone—the interpersonal equivalent of sun, shade, soil, and moisture. First, you can ensure that you have a strong bond with your child. Second, you can teach him how to work with (rather than against) his own temperament. Third, you can establish a flexible relationship with your child that acknowledges his feelings and supports his brainpower so that he develops his full potential. The fourth element is providing a home “refueling” station where he can recharge.

In giving your innie these four ingredients, you are giving her a sturdy foundation, confidence in her abilities, and a degree of self-sufficiency. For an introvert, trying to be an extrovert uses up tons of fuel. It’s not long before she’s running on empty. You can reduce the resulting energy crash-and-dive and help her keep to a steady, comfortable course.

Establishing Deep Roots

“
To be rooted is perhaps the most important and least recognized need of the human soul.” —Simone Weil

Human beings are born with disorganized brains and helpless bodies. We begin to gain control over our bodies in the first year, but it is not until we are well into our third decade that our brains are fully developed. We humans manage to survive this less-than-auspicious beginning because nature has evolved so that infants instinctively seek bonds with their parents. This inborn drive compels the human baby to seek closeness and comfort from her immediate caretakers. Infants
need parents not only to give them food and protect them from saber-toothed tigers, but also to help integrate and organize their brains.

Children also build their view of themselves according to how their parents treat them. This is called
internalizing
. Children take in, or “incorporate,” the way they are treated. This, in turn, builds their sense of an
internal caretaker
. This is how the child keeps his sense of you, the parent, inside of him as a kind of emotional bulwark. As your child experiences a satisfying enough relationship with you and establishes his internal caretaker, he builds a sense of “weness” that is the foundation of his self-esteem. This interior base of acceptance and care allows innies to feel self-confident as they set out into a broader world that doesn’t necessarily understand them.

Your attachment with your innie is crucial because it affects how her brain develops. In psychology, there has been a great deal of research on “attachment theory.” The quality of the bond between parents and their young child has a strong correlation with her future emotional health. Secure bonds support brain complexity, strengthen emotional fortitude, build strong social skills, and enable a child to make use of her innate brainpower. They ensure a hardiness and resilience in the face of life’s adversity.

Stranger anxiety
and
separation anxiety
are two universal reactions that reflect how humans bond. Infants may show fear, wariness, clinginess, and tears around unfamiliar people. This is a healthy stage that indicates that the child is developing a good connection to his parents. Parents can help the little one by reassuring him, being friendly to appropriate strangers, and by realizing that this stage will pass. Introverted children may stay in this stage a bit longer, and parents may need to serve as bridges for their toddler or child and tell others that he will warm up as he gets to know them.